Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book

by Jackie Martling

  He says, “Man, it was great. Gook broad. What a body. I fucked her, fucked her in the ass, came on her tits …”

  The other guy says, “Why didn’t you get a blow job?”

  He says, “I couldn’t find her head.”

  The teacher says to the Polish high school girl, “What’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

  She says, “W.”

  Weir stops at a motel and there’s a sign over the toilet that says, “Don’t put anything but paper in this bowl.”

  So he shits on the floor.

  Mrs. Stuart goes to a brand new gynecologist.

  As he’s examining her, he says, “Mrs. Stuart, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen.”

  When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself, so she takes a big mirror down off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs, and looks down. Just then, her husband walks in early from work.

  He says, “What the hell are you doing?”

  She says, “Umm … I’m just exercising.”

  He says, “Well, be careful not to fall in the hole.”

  Did you hear about the Polish guy who bought

  a toilet brush?

  Two weeks later, he went back to paper.

  McKenna is sitting at the bar jerking his meat.

  The bartender says, “Look, Mac, you’ve got to get out of here.”

  McKenna says, “Are you kiddin’? I can’t leave. I can’t walk. I’m so drunk, I don’t even know who I’m fuckin’.”

  Why did God give Italians arms?

  So their fingers wouldn’t smell like their armpits.

  What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?

  “Nice tits.”

  Favale goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, please help me. My wife and I can never come at the same time.”

  The doctor says, “It’s easy. Put a gun loaded with blanks under your bed. The next time you’re about to come, shoot the gun. She’ll flood.”

  The next day Favale walks into the doctor’s office looking really ragged.

  The doctor says, “Well, did you try it?”

  Favale says, “Yep.”

  The doctor says, “What happened?”

  Favale says, “She bit off my cock, pissed in my face, and hasn’t spoken to me since.”

  How is a Mexican like a cue ball?

  The harder you hit ’em, the more English they pick up.

  Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.

  Lenny says, “I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, ‘Tickle your ass with a feather?’ And when she of course turns around and asks what I said, I say, ‘Particularly nice weather.’ If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all follows naturally. Try it.”

  The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second.

  Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, “Stick my finger in your ass?”

  She turns and says, “What?”

  He says, “Look at the fucking rain.”

  What’s the difference between Jesus

  and a picture of Jesus?

  It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

  What’s the difference between a straight

  guy and a gay guy?

  When something goes up a straight guy’s ass,

  there’s usually a fingernail on it.

  The Mother Superior is out bicycling with a dozen nuns and the nuns are giggling, and chuckling, and carrying on.

  The Mother Superior says, “Calm down now, girls, or I’m going to have to put the seats back on those bikes.”

  Wolanin gets on a bus in San Francisco and suddenly realizes the entire bus is loaded with homos.

  He says to the driver, “Hey! I want to get off!”

  The driver says, “Don’t worry.”

  Where would you find a turtle with no legs?

  Right where you left him.

  Halvangis comes home from work to find his wife in the kitchen on all fours, wearing nothing but her bathrobe, scrubbing the kitchen floor. He comes up behind her, lifts up her robe, fucks her fast and hard doggie-style, and then smacks her in the head.

  She says, “I let you do something so nice like that … what’d you hit me for?”

  He says, “For not looking to see who it was.”

  What’s the difference between being a dentist

  and being a gynecologist?

  The teeth.

  Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

  The first one says, “I had a patient this morning with a cut like a dill pickle.”

  The second one says, “That big or that green?”

  The first one says, “That sour.”

  A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

  The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn’t hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

  The drunk says, “Forget it, buddy, there’s no paper in this one, either.”

  What’s the difference between shooting arrows

  at lovers and Kathy Lee Gifford?

  Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  If you didn’t, why don’t you go rent

  yourself out as a laxative … you’re

  irritating the shit out of me.

  Hoof

  Hearted?

  Ice Melted.

  Berman works a new job on Thursday and Friday.

  On Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”

  He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”

  The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, “He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.”

  So the next day the boss calls Berman into his office, and says, “You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”

  Berman says, “No, I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she’s all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I’m fucking her.”

  The boss says, “You fuck your sister?”

  Berman says, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”

  How about the two maggots who were making love in dead Ernest?

  A winded young lass named Voghill,

  Sat down to rest on a molehill …

  The resident mole,

  Stuck his nose in her hole.

  Miss Voghill’s okay, but the mole’s ill.

  Quasimodo is in the kitchen when his mother walks in carrying a wok.

  He grunts, “Oh, good. I love Chinese food.”

  His mother says, “What are you talking about, Chinese food? I’m gonna use this thing to iron your shirts.”

  How can you tell the Irish guy in

  the hospital ward?

  He’s the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.

  Van der Leun goes on a date with an Oriental girl and gets real drunk.

  He mumbles, “You know why I asked you out on a date? Because I wanted to find out, once and for all, if it really goes from side to side instead of up and down.”

  She says, “Whatsa difference? Whataya, play the harmonica or something?”

  Why do they put shit on the altar at Italian weddings?

  To keep the flies off the bride.

  What did Davy Crockett say at the Alamo?

  “Where the fuck did all these landscapers come from?”

  Did you hear about the new morning-aft
er pill for men?

  It changes their blood type.

  Broder has tried to get his wife to blow him his entire married life, but she’s never given in. He’s tried again and again, but she’s always said no. He’s begged, and pleaded, but she’s always insisted that she’d rather die a horrible, twisted death than ever do it.

  One night, the argument gets very heated, and after hours of screaming, yelling, crying, ranting and raving, she finally gives in and agrees that he deserves a little variety. She takes his peter in her hand, and then slowly starts to put it in her mouth. Just as she gets her lips over the head, the phone rings, and Broder answers it.

  He says, “Hello? Yeah, she’s home.”

  He looks down at her and says, “It’s for you, cocksucker.”

  A guy goes into a dentist’s office, sits down in the chair, and takes out his dick.

  The dentist says, “What are you doing? I’m a dentist.”

  The guy says, “There’s a tooth in there.”

  Professor Kelly goes to bed with his wife. He’s not that tired, so he decides to stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. Every once in a while, he reaches over and tickles her pussy.

  After a few minutes, she says, “Kelly, will you stop that? Will you stop reaching over and teasing me like that?”

  He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

  How can you tell when the Orientals have moved into your

  neighborhood?

  The Mexicans get car insurance.

  Nancy goes to the gynecologist.

  She says, “Doctor, I’m freaking out. My pee is coming out in four streams.”

  He examines her and starts to giggle.

  She says, “It’s not funny. My pee is coming out in four streams.”

  He says, “It won’t anymore. I took the trouser button out of there.”

  Did you hear about the skinny guy who went to Alaska?

  He came home a husky fucker.

  How is climbing a mountain like getting a blow job from

  Whoopie Goldberg?

  Don’t ever look down.

  A couple gets married. Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs … and he starts to cry.

  She says, “What’s the matter?”

  He says, “Forty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me.”

  When do you know you’re really ugly?

  Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

  Leeds is drinking all afternoon and suddenly pukes all over his shirt.

  He slobbers, “My wife is gonna kill me.”

  The bartender says, “Put a twenty-dollar bill in your top pocket and tell your wife that a drunk threw up on you and then gave you the twenty bucks to get it cleaned.”

  He agrees it’s a great idea. When he gets home, he walks in, tells her the story, and hands her the money.

  She says, “But there’s forty dollars here.”

  He says, “Yeah, he shit in my pants, too.”

  Why don’t Jewish girls swallow?

  They want to be the spitting images of their mothers.

  A priest is teaching a nun how to swim.

  She says, “Father, will I really sink if you take your finger out?”

  It’s Ratcliffe’s first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house, and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch. He turns around, and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk, and hops in the car.

  They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Sack, the driver, can’t stand it, and says, “Ratcliffe, I don’t mean to pry, but my curiosity is killing me. Why did you kiss her down there?”

  Ratcliffe says, “Man, you should smell her breath in the morning.”

  When I die, I want to go like my grandfather. Peacefully, in his sleep.

  Not screaming, like his passengers.

  Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?

  Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

  Shapiro meets a girl on the street.

  He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in the alleyway and get it on, I’ve got fifteen bucks.”

  She says, “Fifteen bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you look cat it.”

  He says, “All right.”

  They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets out his lighter.

  He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic hair … it’s so curly, and thick … it’s beautiful.”

  She says, “Thank you.”

  He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”

  She says, “Go ahead.”

  He says, “Can you pee through all that hair?”

  She says, “Of course.”

  He says, “Well, you’d better start. You’re on fire.”

  Two Polish guys go hunting. They take two guns and three dogs.

  A half hour later they come back … for more dogs.

  What’s the difference between menstrual fluid and sand?

  You can’t gargle with sand.

  Why do Jews buy generic rubbers?

  They’re cheap fuckers.

  Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

  She’s a woman.

  A college kid says to his friend, “I fucked my roommate in the ass last night.”

  His friend says, “No shit?”

  He says, “A little.”

  How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?

  She can suck a dick and chew tobacco

  at the same time, and know what to spit

  and what to swallow.

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  If you didn’t, remind me to call your

  parents if I ever need the blueprints

  to build myself an asshole.

  Use Your

  Finger!

  It’s very early one morning, and two bums are walking along in a park.

  The first bum says, “Man, I gotta take a dump.”

  The other bum says, “Well, do it right here. There’s nobody around, it’s early.”

  The first bum says, “You think so? Right here?”

  The other bum says, “Yeah.”

  So he figures he will, because it helps the joke. He pulls down his pants and squats down.

  All of a sudden, he hears, “Clop clop clop … clop clop clop.”

  He listens again, and he hears, “Clop clop clop … clop clop clop.”

  He says, “Hey, man, you hear that?”

  The other bum says, “Hear what?”

  He says, “Listen.”

  “Clop clop clop … clop clop clop.”

  The second bum says, “Man, how long’s it been since you ate?”

  The first bum says, “About three weeks.”

  The second bum says, “That’s your asshole nibbling on the grass.”

  Why did God make gold chains?

  To remind the Italians where to stop shaving.

  Thomas goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws a monkey a peanut, the monkey picks it up, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.

  Thomas goes, “Yuk!”

  He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks it up, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.

  Thomas goes, “Yuk!”

  He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, “Man, that is one very stupid monkey.”

  The zookeeper says, “No, that’s a very smart monkey. Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn’t pass the pit. So now he measures everything first.”

  A black guy is standing in front of a brand-new Cadillac w
hen a salesman walks up and says, “Thinking about buying a Cadillac?”

  The black guy says, “No, I am buying a Cadillac. I’m thinkin’ about pussy.”

  Why do Italian organ grinders always have a

  monkey with them?

  Somebody has to do the bookkeeping.

  Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband, “I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumsized and uncircumsized, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the perfect penis.”

  Bandlow says, “I bet that one was mine.”

  She says, “Sorry, honey, it wasn’t.”

  He says, “You know, it’s weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies … shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented … and on the top of the tree was the perfect pussy.”

  She says, “I suppose the one on the top was mine?”

  He says, “Nope. Yours was holding up the tree.”

  Chester walks into Marshall Dillon’s office with a huge boner.

  The Marshall says, “For Christ’s sakes, Chester, go out in the barn and stick that thing in a shovelful of horseshit.”

  Chester walks into the barn with this huge hard-on, and Miss Kitty is lying in the hay playing with herself. She takes one look at Chester, spreads her legs, and says, “Put it in there, Chester.”

  He says, “The whole shovelful?”

  Mr. and Mrs. Nearier come before the judge for their divorce hearing.

  The judge says, “What are the grounds?”

  Mrs. Nearier says, “Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing the National Anthem while he pissed all over me.”

  The judge says, “My God, that’s horrible.”

  She says, “Yeah. He knows how much I hate that fucking song.”

  Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she’s doing, she kills herself.