Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book

by Jackie Martling

  After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they’re doing, they bury her.

  After another week, they’re so ashamed of what they’re doing, they dig her up again.

  What’s the significance of that little red dot in

  the middle of an Indian woman’s forehead?

  It means “coffee’s ready.”

  Morell walks into a doctor’s office and sticks out his nine-inch tongue.

  The nurse goes, “Ahh …”

  Two worms live together on a golf course.

  The first worm says, “What kind of day is it?”

  The other worm says, “You know, I don’t know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out.”

  The first worm says, “That’s a good idea. Why don’t you do that.”

  So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.

  The first one says, “Jeez, I gotta whiz.”

  Her friend says, “Hey, it’s real early. There’s nobody else here on the course. Do it right here. Nobody’ll know.”

  The first lady says, “You think so? Right here?”

  Her friend says, “Yeah.”

  She pulls down her skivvies, lifts up her little golf dress, she squats, and she’s just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He’s dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He comes up to the first worm, and he’s soaking wet.

  The first worm looks at him and says, “Oh, it’s raining, eh?”

  The second worm says, “Not only is it raining, it’s raining so hard the birds are building their nests upside-down.”

  Lydia is black and blue, and she stands before the judge crying.

  She says, “Your Honor, he gets up every morning and starts knocking me around the bedroom. He hits me on the head with his fist, and sometimes whacks me with his belt. If I don’t fix his meals just right, he hits me with a pot or pan. If I dare to say anything back to him, he throws a beer bottle at me. You’ve got to put him in jail, or he’s gonna kill me.”

  The judge turns to her boyfriend and says, “Well, what have you got to say for yourself?”

  Lydia’s boyfriend says, “You can’t believe a word she says, your Honor. She’s obviously punch drunk.”

  Lewis wants to join the Big Dick club.

  He goes down to the local chapter and says to the receptionist, “I want to join.”

  She says, “How long is it?”

  He says, “Eighteen inches.”

  She goes into such a hysterical laughing fit that he turns around and runs out, totally embarrassed. On his way, he passes a guy sweeping.

  Lewis says, “I can’t believe I told the receptionist I’ve got eighteen inches and she laughed in my face.”

  The sweeper says, “Listen, pal, there’s a lot of competition here. See that lump in my sock? I’m only the janitor.”

  What’s the difference between driving in the fog

  and eating pussy?

  When you’re driving in the fog, you can’t see the

  asshole in front of you.

  Heidi stumbles into a bar.

  She says, “Beertender, give me a dribble martoonie, and put a pickle in it.”

  He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

  She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martoonie, and put a pickle in it.”

  He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

  She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martoonie, and you better put two pickles in it, becau … because I’ve got heartburn.”

  The bartender says, “Look, lady … it’s not beertender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martoonie, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got heartburn, you’ve got your left tit in the ashtray.”

  Why don’t Italians have zits?

  They slide off.

  Did you hear about the Polish girl who burnt her

  twat on the Fourth of July?

  She lit the fuse to her tampon.

  What do you get when you cross a hooker with a piranha?

  Your last blow job.

  Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had

  a black baby?

  They named him “Sum Ting Wong.”

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  If you didn’t, why don’t you go get

  yourself a glass belly button? Then,

  when your head was this far up

  your ass, you could look out and see what the rest of us are doing.

  Strangers

  in My Mouth

  Vasillas goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair, the barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Vasillas gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

  As Vasillas hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, “Listen, it’s … it’s none of my business, but why … why would you take a piss in the corner of your own barber shop?”

  The barber says, “Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?”

  The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, comes back with Vasillas’ change, and Vasillas is standing there taking a shit on the floor.

  The barber says, “What are you doing?”

  Vasillas says, “Well, fuck, I’m leaving now.”

  Why do nipples have all those little

  bumps around them?

  It’s braille for “lick here.”

  An old guy goes to the doctor.

  The doctor examines him and says, “You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

  He says, “Thank God I haven’t got cancer.”

  Bales starts working in a lumber camp.

  The boss says, “We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.”

  Bales says, “Why not Thursday?”

  The boss says, “Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel.”

  Forman walks into a bar with a huge bruise on his forehead.

  The bartender says, “What the hell happened to you?”

  He says, “I was in the backyard fucking my wife doggie style when she ran under the house.”

  How about the Polish girl who had all of her teeth pulled, so she’d have more gum to chew?

  Gail goes to the doctor with her knees all cut up.

  The doctor says, “What happened to your knees?”

  She says, “It’s from making love doggie style.”

  He says, “Don’t you know any other position besides doggie style?”

  She says, “Yeah, but my doggie don’t.”

  A little old lady walks into a luncheonette, sits down, and says, “I’d like a hamburger.”

  The big, fat, disgusting guy behind the counter yells, “Bur-ger.”

  The cook, who’s bigger and fatter and even more disgusting, yells back, “One bur-ger.”

  He grabs a big hunk of chopped meat, puts it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm to flatten it, and throws it on the grill.

  She looks at the guy behind the counter and says, “I think that’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

  He says, “Yeah, lady? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.”

  Guys, you know you’ve been married too long

  when the only reason you go down on it is because

  it doesn’t talk back.

  When is it okay to spit in an Italian girl’s face?

  When her mustache is on fire.

  Why don’t women have any brains?

  Because they don’t have a dick to carry them around in.

  Cooper walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I’ve got a constant erection. At first it wa
s fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing.”

  While the doctor’s examining him, a bug jumps off his dick and his boner goes right down.

  Cooper says, “Gee, Doc, that’s great. How much do I owe you?”

  The doctor says, “Help me find that bug and you don’t owe me anything.”

  A couples in the living room

  He says, “You’re dry tonight.”

  She says, “You’re licking the rug.”

  Two ladies are in the veterinarian’s waiting room.

  The first one says to the second one, “What are you doing here?”

  She says, “My kitty keeps going into the living room and scratching up the furniture, so I’m having her declawed. What about you?”

  The second one says, “Oh, it’s my puppy. Every time I bend over, he humps me in my ass.”

  The first one says, “Oh, so you’re having him neutered?”

  The second one says, “No, I’m having him declawed, too.”

  Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?

  A guy who finishes first and third in

  a masturbation contest.

  A slug is sexually assaulted by two turtles, and the slug’s on the witness stand.

  The judge says, “All right, which one of them went first?”

  The slug says, “I don’t know, your Honor. Everything happened so fast.”

  The Cantors are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, Mrs. Cantor gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

  She says, “Look, it’s shivering. It must be cold. What should I do?”

  He says, “Put it between your legs.”

  She says, “What about the smell?”

  He says, “Hold its nose.”

  Grillo goes to visit his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and he eats them all.

  As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”

  She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ’em.”

  Did you hear about the blind skunk?

  He fucked a piece of shit.

  DePace buys a country house down South, and the day he’s moving in, there’s a knock on the door.

  He answers, and a guy at the door says, “Hi, neighbor. Why don’t you come on over Saturday night? Lots of eatin’ an’ drinkin’ an’ fightin’ an’ fuckin’.”

  DePace says, “Sounds good. What should I wear?”

  The other guy says, “It don’t much matter. It’s just gonna be me and you.”

  Norris goes to pick up his blind date at her house, and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He’s a good sport, so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie’s over, he picks her up again and puts her back in the car.

  She says, “Do you have any rope in the car?”

  He says, “Rope? Why, yeah, I got some rope.”

  She says, “Do you know that big old oak with the real low limb down in the dark corner of the park?”

  Norris says, “Yeah.”

  She says, “Why don’t you take us there?”

  When they get there, she has Norris get out the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb. And then, they proceed to have the wildest sex that Norris has ever had. When they’re done, Norris drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the living room couch.

  As he’s leaving, her father grabs him by the arm and says, “Here, son,” and goes to hand Norris five hundred dollars.

  Norris says, “I can’t take that, sir.”

  Her father says, “Please, son, take the money.”

  Norris says, “I can’t, sir. You see … I … I had sex with your daughter.”

  Her father says, “Of course you did. But at least you didn’t leave her hanging from that fucking tree.”

  Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

  Because if they dragged them by the feet, their twats

  would’ve filled up with mud.

  Corson walks into a bar, sits down next to Trueson, and bets Trueson that he can bite his eye. Trueson takes the bet, Corson takes out his glass eye, and he bites it.

  Then he bets Trueson he can bite his other eye. Trueson takes the bet, because he knows Corson isn’t blind. Then Corson takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

  A big, fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.

  The bartender says, “Hey, where’d you get the pig?”

  She says, “It’s not a pig, it’s a duck.”

  He says, “I was talking to the duck.”

  What would you call an Amish guy

  with his hand in a horse’s ass?

  A mechanic.

  Paterson walks up to a woman wearing a full-length fur.

  He says, “Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?”

  She says, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?”

  What would you call a female turtle?

  A clitortoise.

  Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?

  Barbie and Ken needed a maid.

  Why did God put a woman’s two

  holes so close together?

  In case you miss.

  Quinn is in a huge barroom brawl, and his jaw gets smashed up real bad. They wire it shut, so for a couple of weeks he’ll have to be fed through his ass.

  After a few days, he goes in to see his doctor, and the doctor says, “How are you feeling, Mr. Quinn?”

  Quinn is bobbing up and down, bending at the knees, and he says, “Oh, I feel pretty good, Doc. Can’t complain. You know me, I don’t complain. Nope. No complaints.”

  The doctor says, “Well, is there a lot of pain where your jaw’s wired shut?”

  Quinn, still bobbing up and down, says, “No. No pain. Nope. I hardly even notice it. Hardly even notice it.”

  The doctor says, “Well, is it a big inconvenience being fed through your butt?”

  Quinn, still bobbing up and down, says, “No. No, not at all. No inconvenience at all.”

  The doctor says, “Mr. Quinn, why are you bobbing up and down like that?”

  He says, “I’m chewin’ gum.”

  How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

  Kick his sister in the chin.

  Stern goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog.

  A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out from under her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

  Stern says, “What the hell was that all about?”

  She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”

  He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

  How can you tell one end of a worm from the other?

  Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

  I hope you enjoyed this section.

  If you didn’t, why don’t you go stick

  your brain up an ant’s ass and listen

  to it roll around like a BB in a boxcar.

  Lipstick

  on My

  Dipstick

  Hoffmann is buying a used motorcycle from his cousin.

  He says, “My God, it’s so shiny, it’s like new. What’s your secret?”

  His cousin says, “Well, any time it’s about to rain, I coat the chrome with a little Vaseline so it won’t tarnish. In fact, I won’t be needing this any more, here, take my tube.”

  Hoffmann goes to pick up his girlfriend on the motorcycle. They’re going to her parents’ house for dinner and he’s going to meet them for the very first time.

  On the way she says to him, “Listen, I have to tell you something. My family’s a little strange. You can’t talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes.
”

  He thinks, “All right.”

  When they go into her parents’ house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven’t done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. During dessert, Hoffmann is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend and pops! her right there on the dining room table.

  Nobody says nothing.

  He’s still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, what the hell. He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He’s just about done with her when he looks out the window and sees it’s starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

  Her father jumps up and says, “All right, all right, I’ll do the fucking dishes.”

  Goodstein goes on a date, and puts in his finger.

  She says, “Put in another finger.”

  He says, “What do you wanna do? Whistle?”

  A kid says, “Pop, what’s a vagina look like?”

  His father says, “Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a rose, with pink, velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume.”

  The kid says, “What about after sex?”

  His father says, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

  Why don’t they put Al Sharpton on a stamp?

  Nobody would know which side to spit on.

  What would you call it when an Italian has

  one arm shorter than the other?

  A speech impediment.

  How do you know if you’ve got a great sperm count?

  She has to chew before she swallows.

  Dan Quayle calls home from the Reserves.

  He says, “Pop, yesterday they took us skydiving.”

  His father says, “What happened?”