Incarcerated: Letters From Inmate 92510

by Inger Iversen

  Katie kept her eyes on Logan; his gaze was so intense, she couldn’t look away. He pulled her body closer and the gentle sway of their hips calmed her nerves. Removing her arms, Katie wrapped them around Logan’s waist. He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers.

  Releasing a sigh, she leaned in and joined their lips in a sweet yet stomach trembling kiss. Logan’s lips tasted of mint and beer, such an odd yet seductive taste that she softly sucked his bottom lip between hers. Slowly exploring Logan’s mouth, the music suddenly stopped and quiet chatter disappeared, leaving Logan and Katie alone on the dance floor. She could hear nothing but the beating of her heart and the rush of blood in her head.

  Logan moved his lips away from hers and placed a kiss on her cheek. Opening her eyes, she listened as the noise from the club gradually seeped back in. Being with him was always so intense and at times it scared the hell out of Katie. He pulled from her emotions that she’d never felt before and he encouraged her to explore a part of herself she never knew existed.

  He leaned away a bit. “What were you worried about?” he asked in a gentle tone.

  Katie shook her head. She wasn’t worried about anything anymore. She couldn’t be. He kept her head filled with fog and he kept her close to him as he moved with the music. She bit her lip. They were already swollen from his kiss and she could still taste his mint on them. “Nothing, it was silly,” she admitted, and glanced around to see that others had followed their lead to the dance floor. Now they were cuddled up and swaying to the melodic tones and the singer’s voice.

  Logan leaned down and kissed Katie softly on her lips. He lingered for a bit, and then pulled away. “I like these lyrics,” he said as the song wound down and came to a natural end. Katie and Logan stopped dancing and clapped.

  “When she said, ‘change can be amazing’ I thought of us.” She used to hate change, but since meeting Logan a lot of things had changed. Some for the better, and some . . . well, not so much. Luckily, there was time to work on that, and she believed that they could do it together.

  Logan took her hand and guided her through the crowd and back to the table. He took a sip of his beer. “Yeah, that’s a good lyric. I think we’ve figured that one out, yeah?” He smirked. “I was thinking about the one where she says, ‘Say it, you should say it. If you want it, ask for it and I’ll give in.’”

  He looked back up at the stage and Katie followed his gaze. A new song with new lyrics had started. This one was a bit more on the hip-hop side with hints of electronica. “What do you think she’s wanting him to ask her?” Logan finished off his beer.

  Katie took a sip of her tea in thought. She wasn’t sure what the woman wanted. She replayed the lyrics over in her head only to receive no clue. “I don’t know. Maybe she’s looking for honesty, or an answer to a question?” She shrugged. “What do you think?”

  He ran his hand through his hair and leaned back. “Maybe she wants more than he’s willing to give. I don’t know.”

  She narrowed her eyes in confusion. “What are you saying, Logan?” Katie reached out and took his hand in hers. He flipped it over kissed her palm.

  “Nothing, but I think that—” He thought on his words for a moment. “I think that this is probably the best relationship I’ve ever been in.” He bent forward and kissed Katie again. When Logan moved away, she fought to catch her breath, and placed her fingers over her lips.

  The rest of their date night went on, and Katie couldn’t wait to get Logan home. He’d made her dinner earlier, taken her for ice cream, and finally to the live show. She could admit that in her lifetime, this date so far was her best one ever.

  When the date was over and Logan and Katie left the bar, he took her hand and headed toward the exit. She clung to him like a warm glove, and she couldn’t wait to show him just how happy she was to be with him.

  Katie patted Logan’s right pocket. “I’m gonna drive, okay?” She held her hands out for the keys, and Logan handed them to her.

  “I’m not drunk. Being as big as I am, I can handle a few more beers than a man of average weight. However, I’m also not stupid. After six beers, I’m not chancing a DUI charge.”

  Katie nodded in agreement. At the car, she hit the FOB just as her name was called behind her. She glanced around, looking for the person. She squinted to see that it was Shea and her boyfriend, but before she could respond, Logan grabbed the keys from her hand.

  His body stiffened and his eyes darkened. “Get in the car, Katie.” The characteristically soft tone he’d used with her was gone; his eyes were narrowed and his hand gripped her arm, seemingly ready to pull her out of danger, yet there was no danger, just her friends from her old job.

  “What?” She looked up to Logan, noticing that harsh lines spread across his face. She reached for his face and placed what she thought was a soothing hand on his cheek. “What’s wrong?”

  Logan motioned over her shoulder, and Katie followed his eyes over to the group of people who now seemed too nervous to make their approach. She could see the look in their eyes, and she was sure she had the same damned confused look in hers. “Do you know those people?” he asked, but Katie didn’t like how he spat the word, “those people.”

  She glanced back over, realizing for the first time that not only was it all men, except Shea, but they were all black as well. Katie moved back from Logan, who suddenly seemed too close, too overbearing.

  She couldn’t have hid the anger in her voice if she tried. Shit, she wasn’t even going to try. “That’s Shea, and I used to work with her before she got married to Joe’s brother.” Katie guessed that Shea and her friends had taken Logan’s sudden change in attitude as a warning. They waved and walked back in the direction they’d come from.

  Logan tracked their every movement, until they were in their cars and driving off. He turned back to her, and Katie was shocked to see that he looked angry with her . . . or maybe it was the situation.

  “What the hell was that, Logan?” He reached for her, but Katie pulled away. There was no way he was going to touch her after that. They’d been doing so well tonight. “Are you going to act like that every time a black person approaches us?”

  “It has nothing to do with color!” he shouted.

  She marveled at how unapologetic Logan seemed, as if it were normal to tense up around other races and then lie about it . . . because he was sure as shit lying. She knew that it was a work in progress, but she couldn’t let this go. It had to be addressed, so Logan understood it was unacceptable. She felt like a damned fool being with him sometimes. She was black for goodness sake. Though it seemed his main problem were black males, Katie still felt like a fool for being with someone who had issues with people of her own race.

  His features hardened and he crossed his arms over his chest. “It wasn’t just that they were black,” Logan confessed.

  Katie wasn’t sure. What the hell was it then, and why did he ask if she knew them? Of course she knew them, Shea had called her damn name. Clue number one!

  Logan started to speak again, but she held up her hand to stop him. “It shouldn’t have mattered at all that they were black. What the hell, Logan?” She was astounded at his comment, but she shouldn’t have been. She knew he had his issues when they first met, but it was another thing to see it up close and personal. It was embarrassing, and most of all it was hurtful.

  Katie moved around Logan and got inside the car. She wasn’t going to have this conversation out in the open for any stranger to see. Actually, she didn’t want to have this conversation at all.

  As Logan slid in the car, Katie glanced over at him; he kept his head turned slightly away from her. How could a man be so perfect for her, yet so different in every other way? Why was it race? It could have been anything else, but Katie couldn’t change the color of her skin or of those around her, and even if she could, she wouldn’t. She would let Logan go for good before she ever let him make her feel like the kids did back when she was growing up. Logan had
told her it wouldn’t be easy, but he hadn’t told her that it would cut her to her very core.

  When Logan told Katie that changing his attitude wouldn’t happen over-night, he was serious. He’d spent weeks in the hospital, then hiding from all groups of black and Mexican kids whose main goal was to kick his ass on a daily basis. Logan thought of it like this: If for a straight year a dog bit you on a daily basis, over time you’d be wary around dogs. Logan didn’t explain it to Katie that way. He wasn’t stupid enough to compare black kids to dogs, but it was the best he could come up with at the moment.

  Still, when they arrived at home, Katie went straight to the bathroom and readied herself for bed. Logan sat on the couch, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, but when she did, she walked into the bedroom, ignoring him completely. Logan played with the idea of sleeping on the couch in order to avoid the shit storm sure to come, but Logan couldn’t let Katie go to sleep angry.

  Kicking off his shoes, Logan pulled off his shirt and left them in the living room as he headed into the bedroom. How did he explain that even as a grown ass man he worried about black strangers in large groups? He had to be aware of his surroundings at all times, and not doing that had gotten his ass kicked plenty of years ago . . . not to mention just a few months ago in jail. He entered the room to find that Katie hadn’t gone to bed, but was in fact on her laptop, browsing. Logan pulled the lounge chair up to where she was and sat down.

  Katie shut the laptop, turned to him, and offered an unconvincing smile. “I think you should know that how you acted tonight really hurt me.” Tears threatened to fall from her brown eyes and Logan felt the knife slide into his heart. She was beautiful, so soft and sweet, yet here he was tearing her down piece by piece. He kept his eyes on hers as she spoke. “It worries me. I’m the same color as those men.” She held up her hand and flipped it over. Logan longed to kiss every inch of her brown skin. “What do you see when you see me?”

  Logan gazed at her deeply. “I see the woman I love, Katie.”

  “And when you look at a man of another race, what do you see then?” Her voice was gentle and clear, but Logan her the tremble beneath. She wanted honesty, but she was afraid of the answer she’d get and she was right to be.

  “I see a person that can cause me a lot of trouble,” he answered honestly. Her eyes closed, and the tears that brimmed the edge of her eyes fell. Logan reached for her hand, but Katie quickly pulled away. “No, don’t do that,” he demanded. His chest ached when she refused his touch and he just couldn’t handle it.

  Katie opened her eyes and Logan was greeted with a flash of anger. “When my dad called you a felon and a convict, you asked him for a chance. You asked my dad not to see you for what you used to be, but for who you were working toward being: a good, law abiding man.” She wiped her tears away. “Now, you refuse to do the same. If you stay in the past, you’re a fucking hypocrite.”

  Logan leaned back in his seat. “You want me to change overnight, Katie, and I’m telling you right now that it’s not going to happen. You want me to forget years of abuse in a matter of days.” He was getting angry. What the hell did she want from him, a miracle? He wasn’t above saying how he was acting was wrong in some ways, but he was trying and that’s all he could do. “You have to work with me here. I’m not like you. I can’t just look the other way and pretend that my past never happened.” He reached for her again, and she hesitantly let him take her hand, but Logan was happy with that. He pulled her in his lap and kissed her on the cheek.

  Katie settled in his lap. “I know you’re trying, but I wish you could feel the way I do when you act like that. I mean, it hurts, and I feel like you’ll someday start looking at me like that. Like I’m not good enough or the color of my skin will cost you your friendship with Trent, and I know how you feel about him.”

  Logan did have that fear. Trent had told Logan that his relationship with Katie was destined to fail, and he promised to have a home for him when it happened, but what if it didn’t? That was Logan’s goal, to make it last, and although he was failing, he still had hope.

  “You worry too much,” he said, knowing she had good reason to. “I’ll never leave you for Trent, I don’t swing that way.” He nudged her with his chin. Katie smiled, but Logan knew it was forced. Her eyes still glistened with tears and he wasn’t sure how to make it better. He only knew he loved her and in his mind that should’ve been enough. “Katie, I will do my very best to never make you feel that way again. I promise.” She nodded, but Logan wanted to see her eyes. He lifted her away and turned her face toward his. “I love you, and even though it’s hard I’ll make it happen. You will never feel that way again. It’s hard, not impossible. Baby, I can’t lose you.”

  She smiled and kissed his cheek. “I trust you,” she said with conviction. “We’ll make this work.”

  He kissed her again and pulled her onto the lounge. Logan pulled the afghan over himself and Katie. He wanted her in his arms forever and he’d do whatever it took to keep her there.

  Logan felt like an ass. Actually, he was an ass. He’d snooped through Katie’s belongings when she was sleeping in order to find two phone numbers, but worse, he’d gone behind her back and contacted her father. They planned to meet at a place called Mel’s Bistro, and convincing Katie that he should go alone had taken what seemed like an eternity, but she’d finally forgiven him for snooping and thrown in the towel. Now, Logan sat in the bistro waiting for Jan-Erik to arrive. Logan had arrived over an hour early and ordered a large cheeseburger, which reminded him he needed to hit the gym soon.

  Jan-Erik entered the bistro and greeted a few of the servers before stopping at the table where Logan sat. He removed his coat and placed it on the back of his seat. “Logan,” he greeted.

  “Jan-Erik.”

  “Call me Erik, most people do,” he stated as he unbuttoned his suit jacket and sat down. Erik placed his hands on the table and leaned forward, his eyes narrowing as he spoke. “Are you here to ask me what I think you’re going to ask me?” Logan sure as hell was. He figured in order to show Katie’s father how much he loved her, if he was going to ask Katie to marry him, he’d at least talk to him first. She was about to turn twenty-six and he found the act of asking her father’s blessings archaic and ridiculous. Still, he was here looking like a damned fool in front of her father.

  Logan nodded. “Yes, sir, I am.”

  “How do you plan to do this?” Erik sat back. “You can’t even provide for her.”

  “Katie provides for herself . . . she doesn’t need me to, but I’ll try.” Logan understood that Katie was Erik’s only daughter, and any man worth his salt would want the best for her. Logan wasn’t naïve. He knew that Katie had money, probably more than he’d ever make, but he had plans and the funds to make it happen.

  “And you think you’ll ride the cash cow?” Erik countered.

  Logan scratched his head. “I get it. No man is good enough for your baby girl, and especially not a piece of shit ex-con.” Logan understood that was what the problem was, and if Katie were his daughter he’d be scared shitless, too. “You want me to walk away?” He wouldn’t, but he needed to know where Erik stood.

  Erik laughed. “And have my baby crying in my arms?” Erik sobered at his words. “Hell no. I want her happy, but you have to comprehend where I’m coming from. I deal with people like you every day in Capshaw.”

  That incensed Logan. He’d tried his whole life to go unnoticed and to do right, but one bad choice would have everyone he ever met thinking the worst of him, scared of him, or unwilling to hire him. “Have you checked my record? In prison I was the model inmate. I did my time, and now I want a life outside of that hell.” The waitress came up and placed water in front of Erik. Katie told Logan this was her father’s favorite place to eat. After the cheeseburger Logan ate, it was now his favorite spot as well.

  “You think it’s that easy?” Erik took a gulp of his drink. “I should just take your word about my only child’
s safety and heart? What’s the rush, Logan? Why do you want to marry her so fast?” Erik eyed him.

  “I want her as my wife now, not later. I want to be the shoulder she cries on, the man who she comes to for advice, the man whose last name she signs as her own. I love her, and I want her as my wife now,” Logan answered honestly. There were a million more reasons, but he didn’t have time to sit here and explain love to another grown ass man. “I understand your worries, and I’ll tell you this . . .” Logan leaned forward. “When the time comes, I’ll be as big of a dick to the man who wants to date my daughter as you were to me. You think you are an asshole? You have nothing on me, sir. I’ll break the little bastard’s neck before I let him hurt her.”

  Erik raised a brow, and Logan meant every damn word of it. He wanted kids someday. That was why he’d worked so hard after he left school. He wasn’t sure, but Erik still seemed unmoved. Logan leaned back and blew out a frustrated breath. Erik wanted honesty, and he’d given it to him . . . there was nothing left to give.

  Erik looked just as tired as Logan felt. “When I met her mother she was ten. She was heartbroken about her parents’ divorce, and she needed a father in her life. I was that man, and I still am.”

  “I’m not trying to take that from you. I don’t want to be her father. I want to be her husband and the father of her child. Erik, I’m not letting her go. I got the shit kicked out of me, I think I lost a longtime friend, and I have to live with the fact that she could most probably do ten times better than me. Still, I’m not giving up. I love her and I’ll marry her with or without your permission, but I know what it means to her to have you in her life and more than just phone calls.