Will to Love

by Miranda P. Charles

  "I wanted to talk to her about reviewing my business and writing an article for Lifestyle By Design."

  "Oh, okay. Good luck with that."

  "Thanks, and thanks again for inviting me. Rick, I'll see you for tennis in a few days."

  "Yep, see you then, Will."

  They both watched Will walk out of the marquee. They saw him look at something that made him stop for a second and shook his head slightly, before he continued walking.

  They looked to where Will was looking and saw Clarise and Victor giving each other a big hug.

  Megan looked at Rick. "Interesting. Very interesting," she said. Rick gave her a what-do-you-mean look.

  ~~

  Will got into his car and let out a long sigh. He was still reeling from the strong attraction he felt for Clarise.

  "Don't forget you're just looking for playmates, Will, not a girlfriend. She is one of your close friend's sister-in-law," he chided himself loudly, his voice filling the car. "And besides, she's already taken," he said in a sour tone, surprised at the jealousy that coursed through his body.

  He frowned, not pleased with himself for what he was feeling.

  CHAPTER THREE

  "I really don't know how to untangle myself quickly from the situation I created. Besides, I might not see him again anyway." Clarise had recounted the whole Will Story to her best-friend Faye, telling her about their dance, the electricity between them and Victor playing the possessive boyfriend in front of Will.

  "What so hard about it? You could just say you and Victor have decided it wasn't working out so you've both agreed to break up and remain just friends. Then you're free to go out with him."

  "If he even thinks of asking me out after seeing that I'm not available. Besides, it could just be my imagination that he was interested, you know."

  "Well, if you're really interested in him you should do something about it and not just wait around. Honestly, Clarise, get out of your fear of rejection issues already! It's bad enough that you keep your head buried in your writing and your work most of the time. You have to take big steps for what you really want instead of just wishing for it to happen. I don't know how you can be so straight and upfront when it comes to work but a coward when it comes to men".

  Clarise groaned frustratedly, knowing her best friend was right.

  The two friends couldn't be any more different. Faye Summers is an extroverted, pretty, social butterfly with a sharp mind and an even sharper tongue. Because of her gregarious, tell-it-like-it-is personality, she had intimidated plenty of men who were interested in her but this did not trouble Faye. She went for whom she wanted. Steve, her boyfriend of almost one year, would not consider himself shy by usual standards but he was tongue-tied and bumbling when he first met Faye at a club. After one week of meeting him and when it looked like he didn't have the nerve to ask her out, Faye waited outside his office one afternoon with a single red gerbera. When Steve walked out of the building, she had boldly approached him, handed him the flower with a sweet smile on her face and asked if he would like to have dinner with her.

  Clarise couldn't have done what Faye had done with Steve. Not only did she prefer reading, writing and spending time alone much more than socialising, she was also a scaredy-cat when it came to matters of the heart. She just couldn't bring herself to flirt openly or show her interest in a man until she was convinced he was indeed interested in her and that he was not someone just after a one-night-stand.

  "Clarise, are you there? I said if you're interested in him, you should do something about it."

  "Well, if he gives me a little sign, perhaps."

  "A little sign? From what you've told me, what happened at the party was already a sign!" Faye said with obvious frustration.

  She continued emphatically, "Honestly, Clarise, you are much too serious. Lighten up already! Just go out and date him without any expectation towards anything serious. Just get to know him without thinking he might hurt you. It's really time you stop seeing that idiot Nick in every guy you meet."

  Clarise knew that Faye was right. Nick had been her first love. She was twenty-two and he was twenty-eight. She fell fast and hard for him and she thought he did, too. He worked in the same building she did back then although for a different company.

  It was pouring rain the day they met and she didn't have an umbrella. She had decided to brave the rain and get soaked just as long as she could go home when a blond-haired guy she had seen in the building before offered to share his umbrella with her. She thought he was attractive and very sweet and she accepted. They laughed when a wind gust almost tore the umbrella from Nick's hold. She grasped the handle with both hands to help him hold it in place and one of his arms went around her shoulders so they could huddle together under the not-big-enough-for-two umbrella.

  A week after that rainy day, Nick had been insistent in taking their relationship further. She already fell for him then and also wanted what he wanted. So they made love and it was her first time. They saw each other almost everyday after that and she thought she couldn't be any happier. One night while they were in the throes of passion, Nick said the three little words she longed to hear. She was over the moon.

  About six weeks later, while walking arm-in-arm in the mall, he stopped outside a jewellery store, right in front of the diamond rings display. He'd ask her if she had a choice, which ring she would prefer. She was so surprised, but she kept her cool and answered him with a flippant "I'll let my man surprise me". She almost couldn't contain her excitement. She was so sure Nick planned to propose to her. Why else would he ask her what ring she would prefer? And they were definitely engagement rings! They haven't been together for very long but it felt right to her.

  A week after asking her which diamond ring she would prefer, Nick went on a work-related trip to Perth for four days. When he came back, without any warning whatsoever, he announced that he was getting married. Oh no, not to her, but to the girl he had supposedly broken up with before she met him. She didn't know they still worked together and she went with him to Perth for work. While there, they reconciled and got engaged. Clarise was totally dumbfounded and devastated. She cried and cried for weeks.

  Her first experience of being in love was painful, and for the last seven years, she had been looking at each possible relationship, and each guy she dated, through those pain-caused-by-Nick-coloured glasses. And for her part, she judged herself as gullible, naive, of giving all of herself too soon and decided then she wouldn't be that kind of girl again.

  She dragged her mind back to the present. "I'm certainly not expecting him to be serious with me straight away. That would be an insane expectation. But I'm looking for someone who would be interested in a relationship. What if he isn't looking for something serious?"

  "There's that word again! You should have 'Serious' as your middle name. What's wrong with just having fun while you date? You know fun, right. F-U-N? Just relax and get to know each other first, for fuck's sake. And I mean that literally. For. Fuck's. Sake."

  "Faye!" Clarise had to laugh at her friend's descriptive language.

  "You know what I mean, Clarise. You haven't had bedroom action in years. Years! And doing it solo doesn't count. It's seriously time to loosen up, my dear".

  "You're right, Faye. When you say it like that, it makes a lot of sense. What took you so long saying it?" she added teasingly, hoping to lighten up her dear friend's mood towards her.

  "Phew! I'm glad you're not mad at me." Faye continued with a serious voice, "I do know how sensitive this issue is for you but I'm done allowing you to wallow in it. You've been wallowing now for far too long."

  "Thank you," Clarise said sincerely. She took a deep breath, a clear intention forming all of a sudden. "Well, my dear, I think you're right. So with you as my witness, I promise that I'm going to try real hard to lighten up and have some fun with the next guy I choose to date."

  "And the next guy you choose to date will be..."

  "Will, I gu
ess. If he'll go out with me."

  "Good! And if you like what you see, do get to know him well, really well, for fuck's sake, okay?" Faye giggled. In all honesty, Faye didn't really think Clarise would do that. She was much too serious and conservative.

  Clarise giggled with her and an unbidden image of Will, way too hot and handsome as he held her on the dance floor, flashed in her mind. She blushed, grateful that her friend couldn't see.

  They said their goodbyes and hang up the phone.

  As Clarise mulled her conversation with Faye, her mind drifted back to the event two months ago that made her determined to change her attitude towards taking risks and being intimate with the men she dated.

  ~~

  Two months ago, Clarise poured herself some iced tea from the fridge when she heard Daniel come into the kitchen. She jumped as he snaked his arm around her waist but she willed herself to relax as he merely held her close, burying his face in her hair. She tipped the glass to her lips to hide the disquiet she felt. She allowed the drink to linger a bit in her mouth before she swallowed, aware of the coolness of the liquid as it slid down her throat, and aware too of the heat of Daniel's chest against her back. She turned sideways, intending to go back to the lounge room but Daniel shifted her so she faced him, trapped within his arms. With quick movements, he took the glass from her hand and placed it on the kitchen bench top behind her as he pinned her against it with his strong body. Her heart thundered fast in her chest, nervous about what he had in mind.

  Daniel captured her mouth and she was surprised at the gentleness of his kiss. She expected something more insistent, something more demanding. After a short moment, as Daniel continued his wooing, soft kiss, she started to kiss him back. Daniel felt her response and deepened the kiss just a touch, gently prying her lips open with his tongue and exploring her mouth tenderly, slowly. She hesitated, then loosely put her arms around his shoulders.

  Just kisses, she reassured herself.

  She allowed herself to relax and settle further into his embrace when Daniel's kiss suddenly turned into something more assertive, more probing, more seeking as his hands began to explore her back heatedly. She tried to swallow her trepidation as his mouth left hers to trail kisses down her neck. Then with a groan, as if no longer able to contain himself, he pulled her closer to him so she could feel his erection.

  She froze and placed her hands on his chest, pushing against him gently but firmly. "Daniel," she whispered warily.

  "Clarise, please. Please," he breathed against her neck imploringly. He was begging her to give in to him as he continued to kiss her neck, her face, her mouth.

  "Daniel, not yet." She felt her face flush with embarrassment and contrition as the words tumbled out of her mouth.

  "Please, Clarise. You know we've waited long enough," Daniel mumbled against her throat, his hand finding its way under her blouse and up the side of her breast.

  She gave Daniel another push, much more forceful this time. "I'm...I'm not ready yet."

  "Fuck!" Daniel said angrily as he broke away from her.

  "Clarise, it's been eleven weeks since we started seeing each other! That's two and a half months! Two and a half months of wining and dining you, giving you flowers, taking you out on dates, meeting your parents and many more little actions that I had hoped would show you I care for you. You're twenty-nine years old, I'm thirty. So what's the problem? What are you waiting for?" he shouted at her, anger and frustration etched in his face.

  She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again and just looked at her clasped hands. She'd already told him many times before that she wasn't ready. Oh, she could understand where he was coming from, could understand his frustration. He had really been a wonderful, attentive boyfriend in the last two and a half months. But what could she do? She was simply not ready. She didn't know what else to say.

  "Clarise, if we care about each other...if you really care for me, you'll let me touch you and make love to you. I just don't understand why you won't let me!"

  "Well, if you really care for me, you'll wait until I'm ready," she retorted, angry now, too, that Daniel was pushing her into a decision she wasn't ready for.

  "When will you be ready, Clarise? How much longer should I wait?"

  She didn't answer. She couldn't because she didn't really have one. So she just shrugged and stared at her hands.

  "What else can I do to help you be ready? What else can I do to make you trust me?" Daniel asked pleadingly.

  She continued to stare at her hands and gave him another shrug.

  Daniel let out a big, ragged sigh. Quietly but with a hard edge in his tone that made her look up, he said, "It's obvious something is not working between us. I can't seem to get through to you and you can't seem to trust me for whatever reason." He sighed again, defeated. "I don't want this anymore, Clarise. It's too hard. I think it's best that we don't see each other anymore." And with that, he turned around, gathered his jacket and car key, and left her apartment.

  She didn't try to wipe away the tears that flowed freely down her cheeks. She stood there for long moments, looking out the kitchen window unseeingly, until she felt somewhat numb. Numb apart from a little stirring in the depths of her gut that seemed to tell her her tears were not quite due to a broken heart. She cared about Daniel but, once again, she didn't give herself - and the guy - the chance to let that develop into something deeper, something more meaningful, something trusting. It was at that time that she admitted it to herself. She knew it was a broken trust from seven years ago that had been colouring her every relationship since then.

  ~~

  "Well, you really weren't in love with him, were you?" Faye asked.

  Clarise told her the news the day after the break-up and Faye came to her place straight away.

  They sat cross-legged on each end of Clarise's bulky, three-seater couch, facing each other and eating chocolate fudge ice cream.

  "I don't know. Well, in truth, no, it wasn't love. I did care about him! If he gave me more time though, it could have turned to love and I would have been ready."

  Faye's beautiful face registered annoyance at her best friend. "Again?", she said in exasperation. "Clarise, you know I love you but even I would lose all patience with having to hear this same story again! If you were in his shoes, can you really blame him for losing patience when you wouldn't open up your heart and your legs for him after all the perseverance and care he's shown for you?" Faye crudely asked, trying not to be too harsh with her tone but not quite succeeding.

  Clarise's eyes widened at Faye's choice of words. But she was used to Faye telling it as it is and that was one of the things she loved about her. The two of them have been best friends since their university days and they knew each other's secrets. Even though Faye didn't look like the supportive, consoling best friend at that moment, Clarise understood it was Faye's way of making her see reality and that her friend had her best interest at heart. But she remained quiet in response to Faye's question and continued to eat her ice cream.

  Relenting, Faye said in a concerned, insistent tone, "You know this is not the first time, Clarise. If you're honest with yourself, you know that the real reason for this is you're afraid to trust, so you're afraid to love. You're too afraid of getting hurt again. You have to take some risks if you want to find love. Sure, you might get hurt again but I'm also sure not all guys are like Nick."

  There it was. Somehow, Faye had verbalised what Clarise had known to be the big roadblock to her having a real, trusting, physical relationship again with a man.

  And with sudden, blinding, clarity, she knew what she wanted. It would be hard to get over her fears, yes, but she would try. She was sick of feeling lonely. And as a woman she had needs. She wanted to open her heart again to a man, and yes, her legs too. And it may not be in that order.

  ~~

  Clarise brought herself back to the present, feeling an inexplicable transformation within her that she couldn't quite put a fing
er on.

  ~~

  Clarise and Victor were sitting at their favourite table at the cafe they frequent for lunch. For the last fifteen minutes, Victor had been regaling Clarise with the wonderful Sunday he and Evan spent together.

  "It was really heavenly," he said for about the fifth time. "So, darling, enough about me and my new man. What about you and me and what your family thinks about us?"

  Clarise grinned then put on a fake concerned look, "Well, Victor, I've been meaning to talk to you about us. I really don't know how to say this but...I think we should just remain friends," she said gravely.

  "Oh, my heart," Victor clutched his chest, feigning pain, "it's broken. You just broke it!" He pretended to slump. Clarise laughed at his antics.

  "Does this have something to do with that super handsome devil named William Matthews?" he asked wickedly.

  "Maybe." Clarise looked down on her lunch, a little smile playing on her face.