REMEMBRANCE

by Nicole Maddison

“What could you or anybody else possibly know of what I must be feeling?” Anger welled in her tiny frame. “Do you think I do not know what people are saying? Have you any idea what it is like to live your life with your name tarnished just for wanting to be with the person that you love? Can you even imagine how it feels to have all your dreams taken from you by one simple mistake? Do you not think that I live in shame to walk past the very people that used to honour me with their presence, knowing that they will see only the whore to the Heir of Nedgely? I am aware that my children will never be accepted and will forever be shunned by society because they are the bastards of the great Lord and will never bear the Bradley name. Still, my love for Tom is so strong that I would rather be his mistress than suffer not having his love again!” She wiped the tear that ran down the pale surface of her skin. “No, Mr Grainger, you do not know how I feel!”

  He stood in silence at the young woman’s torment; he had been quite mistaken about her. She had quite openly admitted to him that she was involved with Mr Bradley. He wondered if she had spoken it out of great pain and never meant to utter it at all, or she did not care who knew of their attachment. He felt sorry for her; it pained him to see this beautiful woman suffer so. Still, if her and Mr Bradley’s love was as passionate as it seemed, why would he go ahead with the marriage to Miss Cartland?

  “Please forgive me, Mr Grainger, for I do not mean to offend you, especially after you have shown such kindness towards me.”

  “No Miss Austin, it is I that should beg forgiveness, for I had no comprehension of the extent of your feelings for Mr Bradley.”

  She said sadly, “We do not choose our own paths, for sometimes they are forced on us. Mr Bradley and I would have been married if it was not for Miss Cartland.” She moved towards the door. “I am sorry to have taken up so much of your time with my childish outburst, but I am adamant which path I shall endeavour to take.”

  He moved quickly to her side and, placing a hand upon her arm, he said kindly, “I do know how you feel, for I have had all my own hopes crushed with this union.”

  “Miss Cartland?” she whispered, bewildered.

  He nodded slowly, “Miss Cartland and I have been friends for many years, just as you and Mr Bradley have been. It was my understanding that she and I would eventually marry, that was until he parents persuaded her that my wealth and position would not raise them high enough within society.”

  “I see,” she said quietly.

  “You must not blame her for the constitutions of her parents; she likes this union no better than Mr Bradley.”

  “Are you saying she was forced into this arrangement as well?”

  “She has not always been so bad, I can assure you, for I know her well. Once, she was happy and as carefree as they come, but it all changed when her parents put their social ambitions before her happiness. My hearts aches for her, Miss Austin. I have never seen her so unhappy.”

  “I am so sorry.”

  “There is nothing for you to feel sorry about. I asked about Mr Lewis earlier and that I am sorry for; but, you see, my friend is used to having his own way and it has been brought to my attention that he is paying court to yourself and Miss Cartland.”

  Something in his words struck a chord in her mind, Mr Lewis and Miss Cartland, what was it that they had in common?

  “So, you see, I do understand, Miss Austin, and if there is anything that I may be able to do to ease this burden that you carry please do not hesitate to ask me.”

  She knew that she would cry, but a short laugh left her parted lips as she responded to his last remark, “Unless you are able to engage Miss Cartland’s affections for yourself, unfortunately there is nothing that you may do for me.”

  She patted his arm kindly, “Now, if you will excuse me, Mr Grainger?” She curtsied and left the room.

  * * * * *

  Thomas had been battling with his conscience for the past two days; he had purposely stayed away from Maria in order to think straight, for, as always, when he was with her, their passion would override his capability of thought. His mother’s words had been beating at him constantly. He knew that she was right, Maria and the Austin name would be ruined by his conduct, and there was an issue of how much longer they would be able to keep their affair quiet. Already, he had seen the way the servants within both households whispered. It would only be a matter of time before the gossip reached the ear of Sir John.

  His mother was correct, Sir John would not stand for it; he would terminate their involvement immediately, whether they wanted it or not. Maria would probably be sent away and he would be stuck here in a loveless marriage, dying just a little bit more one day at a time.

  He stood up and started to pace; he had to make a decision and, once decided, he had to stick to it. He raked his fingers through his hair with frustration.

  After several hours of thinking through possible alternatives, he decided that he would take his leave of Nedgely for a few days. Dudley had just purchased a new townhouse in London and it would prove to be the ideal opportunity for him to go and view the property and at the same time run his thoughts by his dearest friend. If anyone could give him the solid, impartial advice that he now so desperately needed it would be him. With that decided, he rang for his valley and instructed him to start packing. He would leave first thing tomorrow morning, but tonight he would be with M.

  * * * * *

  “I do not believe what I am hearing!” Sir John’s voice bellowed at his niece. “Am I correct in thinking that you have refused Mr Grainger?” Her head was hung low, for she knew he disapproved of her behaviour. “What are you thinking, Maria? Have you lost your mind? Have you any idea what you have done?” He was so very cross he made her cringe with his anger. “I approved of the match and gave Mr Grainger leave to approach you. How could you be so foolish?”

  “I am sorry, Uncle, but I cannot marry him.”

  “Why? Give me one good reason why the marriage should not go ahead?”

  “I…”

  “Well?”

  “Please forgive me, Uncle,” she was near to tears, “I would never make him happy or him me.”

  “What has happiness got to do with it? All you had to do was marry him!”

  “But Uncle, you are asking me to engage into a loveless marriage, which is something I could never consent to.”

  “I wasn’t asking you to fall in love with him; I was asking you to secure your future name,” he informed her coldly.

  “But I so very much wanted to marry for love,” she said quietly.

  “Damn you child, have you not learnt anything? Do you think Thomas Bradley said that when he entangled himself with Miss Cartland?”

  “Do not bring Tom into this!” she threw the words out.

  He looked at her in disbelief that she had dared raise her voice to him.

  “Do not take that tone with me, young lady! I should never have let you and Thomas run wild all those years—I knew no good would come of it. I took you in after your poor mother’s death, promising that I would raise you correctly and this is how you repay me?”

  She so very much wanted to tell him what she thought of him at that moment in time. She hated him!

  “Have you no heart, Uncle? Have you ever been touched by the sweetness that love can offer? How can you can stand there and decide my life for me, force me into a marriage that I do not wish? Have I no say in the path that I choose? I cannot believe that you would be so heartless to just let the last breath of life seep from my beaten body and watch me die like a bird in captivity!”

  Sir John stood dumbfounded by her words; it touched a wound deeper than she ever knew. Yes, he had loved. He had loved just as she does now. It was a love that could never be, for the lady that his affections were placed on was forced into marriage with another—just as he was trying to do to the sweet girl that stood before him. Deep down, he knew that he could not wish that life on his brother’s daughter. She was his closest relative and he loved her for all
her wild ways, as if she were his own child.

  “Pray forgive me, Uncle, for not turning out to be just another piece of marriage material that you can sell off to the highest bidder.” With that, she swept from the room. The anger and frustration that no one would ever listen to her—for she was just a mere woman—brought hot tears to her eyes.

  There was only one lonely candle that burned on the dresser; she sat upon the low window seat that edged the large bay window, with her knees pulled up close to her chest, as tears marked her face. One curtain had been left slightly drawn back, so that she could look out at the stars that sprinkled the evening sky and the darkness devouring the distant landscape.

  Searing pain spread through her body at the realisation that she was going to be alone in the path that she had chosen, and right now, even that looked to be an unhappy one. If she were honest, she would have to admit that it would be impossible to bear the thought of Tom married to another and having to share his affections in the bedchamber. She buried her head in the fabric of her nightdress. She could not imagine that future for herself, for she would die from jealousy knowing that when he was not with her, he would be with his wife.

  She was so lost in her own sorrow that she did not hear the small key turn in the door. The hand that touched her shoulder was cold from the evening air. Her sad face rose slowly to look into the deep blue eyes of the man she so desperately loved.

  He was a tormented man who knelt before her and rested his head on her lap. “Please forgive me, M.” she heard his cry and felt the softness of his hair as her fingers soothed him.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The bed was empty and cold as she rolled over to stretch her aching limbs. Tom had left at first light and she would spend the best part of the week without him.

  “Do you want a bath, Miss?” Bella asked as she entered the room.

  “Thank you, Bella. That would be lovely.”

  “Shall we be expecting Mr Bradley again tonight, Miss?” she enquired. “He is becoming a regular visitor. Most of the servants want to go and work for him; they have made a fine penny from his visits these past few months. A very generous man, that Mr Bradley.”

  Maria smiled at her kindness, but it did nothing to ease the ache of her heart.

  “Unfortunately, Mr Bradley has had to go away on business and will not be paying me anymore visits for a while,” she replied sadly.

  Bella watched her mistress with sadness, for she knew what the Lord of Nedgely meant to her.

  “He will be back before you know it Miss, and the boys in the stable yard will have their pockets full again,” she laughed.

  She decided that she needed a ride. It would help lift this melancholy mood of hers. So, after bathing, she dressed accordingly. As she took to the stairs, she was deep in thought and was thus oblivious to the circular distorted mass that covered the entire staircase. She passed through it and, for a split second, it felt as if the air was sucked from her body. Her hand automatically came up to her chest as she gasped the oxygen back into her lungs. She turned back from where she had just come, noting that everything looked the same. She frowned in confusion. Shrugging her weary shoulders, she continued on her path towards the entrance.

  “Maria?” a familiar voice called out.

  She stopped dead in her tracks and snapped her head in its direction.

  “Richard?”

  She was frozen to the spot as she looked upon her ex boyfriend standing in the great hall with her grandmother.

  Bertie noticed her shock and came towards her to ease her tension. She spoke softly, “Maria, my dear, there you are! Are you feeling better?”

  “Err…”

  “I was just telling Richard here that you were unwell; he has called several times to see you.”

  Richard stood only a few feet away. He was taken aback at how well she looked—she didn’t look as if she had been unwell at all. There was certain radiance about her that he had never noticed before. Her beauty was only enhanced by the curly golden hair falling in an unruly way about her face. He admired her figure clad in skin-tight jeans and the clinging crop-top that enhanced her every curve. How had he been so blind?

  “Maria,” he repeated, as he closed the space between them. “It is so good to see you again.”

  She moved backwards as he advanced, and noticing her hesitation, he halted.

  “Well I think I shall go and look for Margaret to see if she can rustle up some tea for us,” Bertie said.

  “Gran, please don’t go,” she almost begged.

  Bertie looked at her granddaughter regretfully. “I’m sure that you and Richard have a lot to talk about; I shall be back shortly.”

  Maria was left alone for the first time in ten months with the very person she vowed she would never see again. And here he stood, looking far too handsome, with his short dark hair, large doe-like brown eyes and the crisp white shirt; its top buttons undone, exposing the small scattering of hairs that covered his broad chest. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

  “M,” his voice sounded sickly.

  “Don’t call me M,” she snapped as she tossed the curls from her face.

  “Maria then,” he corrected himself, noticing the defiance in her posture that made her even sexier than she already was.

  Maria felt nervous; she no more wanted to be in his presence than she desired that of Mr Lewis. Oh my god! What the hell is going on? Why was she back?

  Richard had noticed the change in her and asked quietly, “Are you alright Maria?”

  “I’m fine,” she snapped again.

  He moved to take another step towards her, only to see her retreat again.

  “How did you find me?”

  He looked solemnly at her. “I went to see Jen; she said that you had gone away for a while.”

  “So she told you where I was?” she asked.

  She could see his mind working overtime as he tried to find an excuse.

  “Don’t worry; your friend was loyal to you to the end.”

  Good old Jen—at least that was one person she could rely on, having shared a flat together for a number of years. She was probably the only one out of the group of people they hung out with that had taken a dislike to Richard, but at the time Maria had been blinded by his good looks and perfectly fit body. She cringed even now when she remembered some of the things Jen had told her about him. Silly, silly girl, she had been for not believing her. Jen had been the one she had confided in prior to going up to Scotland on her so-called fool’s errand. She had also been the one to try to talk her out of it at the time, but alas, Maria was not to be stopped. Still, it worked out for the best in the end, or she would never have found out about Richard’s affair.

  “I did a little digging around in your background before I eventually found out where you might have gone. This was just a lucky guess,” he informed her, as he waved his hand, as if pointing to the house.

  “So, now you know all about me,” she said sarcastically.

  “A little. I know that you’re an only child. I also found out that you spent most of your childhood in this very house until you moved away with your mother,” and he added casually. “Oh, and I also found out that you spent a great number of your teenage years in and out of doctors’ clinics.”

  “What?” she flung at him. “How dare you go rummaging through my past!”

  “It’s ok, M, I understand. Did you have a problem with drugs?”

  “How dare you!” she shot at him. “There was no problem with drugs, and even if I had one, I would never consider talking to you about it.”

  “I see. Denial is quite common in such circumstances,” he carried on.

  “I didn’t have a drug problem!” she shouted at him.

  He moved towards her once again.

  “Why did you not tell me that you had a rich grandmother? Look at this house! It’s amazing; must be worth a few bob. I suppose, you’re the only living relative?” he smirked, “Oh yes, I forgo
t; you were an only child.”

  So, now he had all but told her the real reason for coming here. He had found out that she was going to be a very wealthy woman when her gran died. How utterly predictable of him!

  She brought her eyes level with his face, “Why are you here Richard?”

  “I needed to see you,” he said honestly.

  “And why would that be?” she asked sarcastically.

  “I missed you.”

  She laughed out of pure hysteria.

  “You missed me. Well there’s a turn up for the books—Richard Matthews missed me!”

  He looked at the woman before him, wondering what could have happened to the quiet Maria that he knew.

  “Well, Richard, here I am! Now you’ve seen me and you can leave,” she told him angrily.

  “I need to talk to you, M.”

  “I’ve told you not to call me M!” she shouted. “We have nothing to talk about.”

  “I needed to explain. I know you must want an explanation.”

  She turned her back, for she couldn’t bear to even look at him, “The time for explanations has long since passed.”

  She felt him move a little closer and now she could almost feel his breath in her hair. As the memories started flooding back, she closed her eyes against her angry tears, determined that she would not cry. He had no right to go snooping through her past! Still, it wasn’t the fact that he had that had her feeling this way, she was more angry with her mum for insisting that she visit those damn doctors.

  “M… Please. I want you to come home with me.”

  “WHAT?” She inhaled sharply as she spun round to stare at him.

  “I want you to come home with me. I made a terrible mistake—I know that now. I want us to start afresh,” his voice was low and husky.

  She stared in complete disbelief, “You have got to be kidding me! How dare you come here after all that has happened? Are you even aware of all the hurt you caused me without a second thought? And you have the audacity to come here and say that you want to start afresh!” Her green eyes flashed daggers.

  He moved even closer, placing his hands upon her upper arms, “M, please, I love you. You know that we are good together.”