Here and Now

by T. Renee Fike

  Evan and I take turns sitting and talking to him for the night, then head home and come back in the morning, like usual.

  Saturday, a brisk winter day, but it’s sunny and I’m hopeful today. Today is hopefully the day my brother wakes up.

  Evan picks me up and we head back to the hospital. This has become a routine, head up to the sixth floor and head inside. For about two hours I talk to him, holding his hand, crying, laughing, joking, and telling him stories from our lives, hoping he wakes up.

  “I’m going to run and grab some coffee, do you want anything?” Evan asks.

  “Sure,” I say, knowing I’m going to need something in my stomach. “I’ll take a coffee.”

  “Okay, I’ll be back,” he says before disappearing out the door.

  Ten minutes later mom walks in to check his vitals. She barely gets a word out when I scream, looking down, Owen’s squeezing my hand.

  “He’s moving,” I shout, causing my mom to look. She rushes to the bedside and starts talking to Owen, telling him to not panic as he opens his eyes, looking scared and panicked.

  “I’m going to remove the tube, but you need to stay calm,” she says to him.

  I watch as my mom removes the tube from his mouth, and I grab him some ice chips and water.

  “What happened?” he asks, though it sounds like a whisper.

  “You were in a car accident sweetie,” Mom says to him, looking beyond happy that he’s awake.

  “You scared the crap out of me,” I say from the other side of his bed.

  “Can you give us a few minutes?” Mom asks, looking directly at me.

  “Okay,” I say hesitantly, not sure why she’s kicking me out.

  I walk out, closing the door, stopping Evan as he approaches. I fill him in that he’s awake but that mom’s talking to him and asked me to wait outside.

  I hear a few screams from Owen and I can only imagine what’s happening. I want to rush inside, but Evan grabs my arm.

  “Your mom probably told him about his paralysis,” he says, reminding me that Owen may never walk again. Crap. I didn’t even think of that.

  “Oh God, I forgot,” I say, feeling like the worst sister ever.

  “Its fine, but we need to let him know that we are here to help him no matter what,” Evan says.

  “I can do that,” I state, knowing I have to be strong for him because this is going to be a huge adjustment for him to have to accept.

  We head back inside, knowing this could turn ugly really quick. Mom has tears streaming down her face, which she quickly tries to wipe away. Owen has tears as well and my heart breaks just looking at him, knowing how hard this is going to be for him.

  “Hey man,” Evan says excitedly, walking over to the bed, “It’s so good to see you awake,” he says with the biggest smile ever.

  “It’s good to see you too,” Owen says, sounding anything but happy about it.

  I walk over and stand next to Evan, wanting Owen to know I’m here too, “I’ve missed you so much,” I state.

  “Hey Bay,” he says, “You guys don’t have to act so nervous, mom filled me in, there’s a good chance I’m going to be paralyzed from the waist down,” he says surprising me.

  “Just the waist down?” I ask eagerly.

  “Yeah,” he says as he moves his fingers.

  “Sweetie, he moved his fingers against your hand, remember?” Mom says, reminding me.

  “That’s great news,” I say as I lean down and hug Owen, happy to know that it’s not from the neck down.

  “It’s not great, but it could be worse I guess,” Owen says, still sounding displeased.

  “No man, that’s great news,” Evan says, clasping Owen on the shoulder. “I’m happy you’re awake, it’s great to be able to see you and talk to you.”

  “Yeah, no more scares like that,” I snap.

  “Sounds good to me,” he says as he tries to move. Evan jumps right in and helps Owen get situated to where he’s sitting up as mom adjusts the bed for him.

  “Can I talk to Evan for a moment alone?” Owen asks out of nowhere.

  “Sure,” Mom says, dismissing herself and me at the same time.

  I follow her out, not saying a word. I’m not sure how I should feel that my brother asked me to leave the room so he could talk to Evan alone.

  I can’t wait to talk to him one on one myself too. God, I’ve missed him and he’s awake, talk about a great day. As I wait outside his room, I send a text to Dani and Lily letting them both know that he’s awake and that I will keep them posted.

  With this happening, I’m not sure I’m going to rush back to school tomorrow, he’s going to need my help and I need to make sure I’m here to give it to him.

  “You can come back in,” Evan says politely as he holds the door open for me. “I’m going to give you guys some time alone.”

  “Oh, okay, thanks,” I say before rushing back in.

  I rush to his side, pulling up a chair, and grabbing his hand, excited that he’s awake. “I’m so happy you’re awake, you had me so scared.”

  “Bay listen,” he says all serious, “I need you to continue life as you have, you can’t stop living because I’m here.”

  “Huh?” I ask confused, “I’m going to be here to help you.”

  “No,” he says shaking his head, “No you aren’t. You are going to go back to school, and when you come home for break then you can help, but other than that, you aren’t coming home every weekend like you’ve been.”

  “You’re my brother, my best friend, of course I’d be here to help you,” I say truthfully.

  “I’m here Bay, but this is now all up to me and me alone,” he says, being harsh.

  “But I can help you,” I argue.

  “No, mom’s going to get me someone to help me, I am going to walk again, but I can’t have you breathing down my neck,” he says rudely.

  I’m taken back, I don’t even know what to say, my brother, my best friend is snapping at me and not wanting me to help him, why?

  “You would do the same thing for me,” I argue.

  “I’d respect your wishes,” he says with a straight face.

  “So you want me to what?” I snap, getting mad.

  “Go back to school and live your life,” he says bluntly.

  “How could you even ask me that? I’m going to be here for you, I want to help you,” I say, feeling my eyes swell up with tears.

  “Sit,” he says, still holding my hand. I do as I’m told. “Bay, I love you, you are an important part of my life, you’re my little sister, but I need you to focus on you, while I focus on me. I need you to kick ass at school while I do what I need to here. Mom’s going to do whatever is necessary to help me get back on my feet, which I’m going to do,” he says sternly, “but I can’t be worried about you. I can’t be here struggling to get better while you waste your life just trying to help me. You need to keep following your dreams too,” he says softly, making a valid point, but not what I want to hear.

  Tears start rolling down my cheeks, “I want to help you get better,” I inform him.

  “I’ll still talk to you like I’ve always done, but you need to go back to school,” he says, looking directly at me, “I promise I’ll keep you posted.”

  “I know, but it’s not the same,” I whine.

  “Baylee, there’s no room for debate here, you are going to go back to school with Evan while I do what I need to do here,” he says in a more forceful tone.

  “Fine,” I say, giving in to my brother’s wishes. “I expect calls, daily and I will be coming home to check on you, no arguments,” I demand, fighting to have some say in this. I worry, he’s my brother.

  “Okay,” he says as he sighs.

  Evan comes back in with mom a little while later. She checks Owen’s machines before talking to him or any of us.

  “They’re running a few more tests on you, so we should know more soon,” she says, acting like the doctor she is.

  “Whe
n can I go home?” Owen asks.

  “I’ll know more as soon as we get your results, if everything goes well, then hopefully by the end of the week,” she informs him.

  “I have to stay here all week?” he practically yells.

  “Dude, you’ve been in a coma for over a month, another week won’t matter,” Evan says, trying to calm him down, “You’ve got time and you need to take things slow.”

  I watch as my brother takes a deep breath and relaxes, “I just want out of here,” he says.

  “Honey, I understand, but you have to let us do our jobs. As soon as you can leave, I’ll take you home,” Mom says from his bedside. “I’ll have things arranged this week so that when you do come home, it’s an easy transition. That takes times too,” she says sympathetically.

  “I get it, just want out of here as soon as possible,” he says again.

  “And you will as soon as you get the clearance,” she says softly.

  “Do you want us to stay until you get the clearance to go home? We can keep you company,” I say, feeling hopeful.

  “No,” he all but shouts. “I want you to go back to school.”

  All I can do is shake my head; I don’t understand why he is so against us staying for a few more days or even part of the week.

  “Sweetie, can you go get me a coffee?” Mom asks me.

  “Yeah,” I say as I stand up and walk toward the door. I don’t bother to say anything else to Owen; he’s starting to piss me off.

  I barely make it down the hall when Evan says my name. “Don’t take it personal, he’s just having a hard time,” he says, now walking with me to the elevator.

  “I just want to help,” I say, feeling helpless.

  “But you can’t and Bay, he doesn’t want you to, because if he doesn’t ever walk again, he doesn’t want you to feel like you failed him.”

  “I would never feel that way,” I defend, as I push the button on the elevator.

  He looks directly at me, “You would. You would feel like there was something you missed, something else you should have done, and then you would wonder if you pushed him too hard or did you not push him hard enough. He doesn’t want you to feel that way or have any guilt when this has nothing to do with you,” he says just as the elevator opens up.

  “But I wouldn’t, I would do what he told me to do,” I say as I step onto the elevator.

  “We both know you would blame yourself, he knows it too, which is why he doesn’t want you to be there when he goes through it.”

  “But I’m going to come home and visit.”

  “Me too, but it’s different, you won’t necessarily see the struggles he’s going to go through. Bay, he is about to go through the hardest thing he will probably ever have to go through in his life and that’s only if the doctors tell him there’s a chance he may walk, they could very well tell him that’s not an option.”

  “I didn’t think of that,” I say, feeling horrible. What if he can’t fight to try and walk again, what if he is confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life?”

  “You can’t think like that,” Evan says as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side, “You have to think positive for him. He needs all the optimism and support that we can give him.”

  “Is that what he wanted to talk to you about?” I ask, feeling Evan stiffen a little.

  “Yeah, somewhat; he thinks it would be a good idea for us both to go back to school, he doesn’t want me to help him with his recovery either. He wants to do this on his own and we have to let him.”

  “What else did he ask you then?” I ask, wanting to know.

  “Just to make sure when I go back to school that you are in the car for the ride back,” he says with a cheeky smile.

  “I wish there was something more I could do,” I say as we step out of the elevator.

  “Me too Bay, me too. For now, we need to support his wishes and make sure he knows we are there for him, no matter what,” he says as we walk towards the cafeteria.

  We grab some coffees and head back up to Owen’s room.

  Walking into the room, there are two doctors along with mom talking to one another. I look at Owen, he has a smile on his face, so I can only imagine what good news they’ve told him.

  “I get to leave on Wednesday,” he says eagerly.

  “That’s only if your next results come out the same way,” Mom interjects.

  “That’s great news,” I say, excitedly as I rush towards his side. “I’m so happy for you,” I say as I squeeze his hand.

  “We will see how it goes. You guys have about a half hour left and then you need to go, visitation will be over,” Mom informs us.

  We stay and talk for the next half hour before saying goodnight to Owen. Evan drives me home because mom still has a few hours left on her shift.

  Sunday comes and is spent the same way, majority of the day with Owen until he kicks us out so we can head back to school. Evan and I had agreed to pack before we went to the hospital that way we could stay for as long as possible, then head straight back to school. Dad was at the hospital most of the day with us, talking and planning with Owen.

  It’s great to see him so determined, I hope like hell everything works out and that Owen is able to get back to life as it has always been for him. I’ll love him and be there for him regardless, but I want him to be able to have everything that he’s always wanted and dreamed of before.

  Around five Evan and I head back to school. The drive back is kind of quiet, each of us in our own little worlds, I guess. The only thing we really discuss is Spring break in a few weeks and driving back together because it would be dumb not to carpool.

  Other than that it’s quiet and boring. A few hours later he drops me off, I say goodbye and head inside.

  Dani is there waiting for me to fill her in on Owen, and her going on and on how surprised she is that I came back to school. I had to fill her in on that part of it too.

  An hour later, Lily comes down and I have to explain the entire situation again to her, Dani laughs a few times, saying she feels like its Deja vu, but it kind of is, I feel like I’m just repeating myself.

  “How was Evan on the ride back?” Lily asks curiously.

  “He was fine,” I say, truthfully. How was he supposed to be?

  “So, nothing weird happened?” she asks with a look.

  “No, why?” I ask, feeling completely lost.

  “I talked to him a little before I came here and he seemed off, so I wanted to see if something happened,” she says.

  “Nothing happened; he was quiet on the ride back. Honestly, I’m not too sure what’s going through his mind. Maybe just ask him,” I state.

  “He seemed different, hmm…I wonder what that could be,” she says, acting like it’s a huge deal.

  “Why didn’t you ask him?” Dani asks.

  “I did,” she says, looking directly at Dani, “He said nothing was wrong. I know him though, something is definitely wrong.”

  “He’s probably thinking about Owen and wishing he could do something to help. I know I’ve been thinking the same thing. It sucks,” I say, truthfully. I’m sure Evan does feel a certain way; I know I do, but we have to follow Owen’s rules even if they stink.

  “Maybe, who knows,” Lily says with a shrug.

  For the next week and a half, life at school has been back to normal. Owen is at home and slowly recovering. When we talk on the phone, he gives me a brief update and then we talk about any and everything, not about his recovery.

  Evan and I plan to leave on Friday to go home, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m ready to get home for a week and hang out with my brother, helping him with whatever he may need.

  By the time Friday comes, I’m packed and ready, so as soon as Evan says let’s go, I’m ready to hit the road. I’ve already said goodbye to Dani and Lily is driving herself because, well, I don’t know why, but I didn’t bother to ask. I told her I was riding with Evan and she didn’t say
anything about tagging along, so I’m not worrying about her.

  Around four, I get a text from Evan asking if I’m ready, I respond yes, and before long he pulls into the parking lot. I’m waiting in the lobby beyond ready to go home. I walk out the door, bag in hand, heading straight for his car.

  As I’m getting closer, I see Lily out of the corner of my eye; she’s at his driver side door, talking, and saying who knows what. I don’t bother to ask, I open his passenger side door, tossing my bag in the back, before sliding into the passenger side seat.

  Evan looks my way, before turning back and responding to whatever it was that Lily asked. They talk for another minute or so before he turns my way, “You ready to go?” he asks.

  “Sure am,” is all I say.

  He backs out of the parking lot and heads towards home.

  “Have you talked to Owen?” he asks, making conversation.

  “Yeah, why?” I ask.

  “He’s not talking much about his therapy,” he says, looking worried. “He gives me a brief update and then talks about anything other than what’s going on with him.”

  “He’s the same way with me. I figure he doesn’t want to discuss it further, so for now, I’ve decided to let it go. I’ll be able to see how he’s doing once we get home,” I state.

  “True, can you keep me updated?” he asks, looking concerned.

  “Sure, you can come in and see him when we get to the house if you want to.”

  “No, I’ll let you guys have your time today and I’ll stop over tomorrow,” he says, glancing at me.

  “I’m sure he’d love to see you, why don’t you come in and at least say hello?”

  “I could do that,” he says quietly.

  “Is something wrong?” I ask, knowing Evan seems off.

  “No,” he says, sounding completely unbelievable.

  “Evan, what’s going on?” I ask, wanting the truth.

  “I’m sorry,” he says in a whisper.

  “For what?” I ask, having no clue what he’s talking about.

  “About Owen. If we wouldn’t have gone out, he wouldn’t be in the situation he’s in now,” he says, feeling bad.