Between Him and Us

by Nicole Richard

  “Would that be such a bad thing?” I mumbled unintelligibly.

  “What was that?” She cocked her head to the side, pinning her hard eyes on me.

  “Nothing.”

  “Lilly . . .”

  “Dammit, Leeza, Ty’s dead!” My words came out harsher than I had intended, and my eyes narrowed in pain. The throbbing slowly traveled to the back of my head, but I continued, “It’s barely been a year and a half. What do you expect me to do? He’s fucking dead, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it.”

  I wiped the side of my mouth, pulled my aching body up from the floor, turned the faucet on, and hung my head over the bathroom sink. I wanted to continue to argue with her and tell her again that she had no idea what she was talking about, but this was Leeza. She may not have had firsthand experience with the pain this kind of loss brought, but she knew just how much it broke me.

  “It isn’t like I have a problem. I hardly ever touch that shit.” A lie. I craved the comfort the bottle brought, and I needed that amber-colored savior to numb me from the lonely nights.

  “I know you don’t. Not yet, at least. Keep running to that damn bottle, and you will.”

  I sighed heavily, quickly losing fight.

  “I’m in a house that Tyler never lived in. His presence is close to nothing, and I miss him,” I admitted. There was no reason for her to know he visited my dreams. I didn’t need my family worrying about me any more than they already did.

  I looked up at her, hoping she could see how much this was killing me. Slowly losing touch of Tyler broke off another piece of my already fragile heart.

  “Lilly . . .” She sighed.

  “Not today. Please?” I begged quietly.

  With my head still hanging over the sink, I silently pleaded with her to drop the Save Lilly Campaign.

  “Fine, but you do know I am not letting you continue on in a drunken haze. It isn’t healthy, Lils—”

  “Don’t call me that,” I snapped and clenched my teeth. It was hard enough hearing that nickname from RJ and Addie, but at the same time, it was strangely comforting. Like they owned the right to it because they were some of Ty’s best friends. I couldn’t stand to hear my sister use it.

  She flinched. “I’m sorry, it just slipped.”

  “It’s okay,” I whispered back. “I don’t think it’s fair to Tyler for me to just pick up and move on, live my life as if he never existed. It’s too soon.” She stepped into the bathroom and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I was thankful for her comfort.

  “I’ll let you have today.” She gently brushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. “I may even let you have tomorrow, but this tormenting yourself has to stop. It will stop. I’ll personally see to it.”

  “I know,” I choked out on a whisper. Deep down, I knew her words were true, but what kind of person would that make me if I just picked up and moved on with my life—without him.

  “Your mom and dad stopped by today. They asked how I was doing.” I sat on the cool grass and dusted the stray leaves from the granite slab. “They also brought me a box with some of your things. Your dad apologized for not getting it to me sooner and said that it was probably for the best that he waited as long as he did. Not gonna lie, I’m not sure how I feel about that.” I pulled a few blades of grass. “Your dad seems to be holding up okay, but it’s your mom who worries me.”

  I looked at the pale blue sky, wishing it were cloudy and dark instead of clear and sunny. Though, it didn’t matter much to me beyond being a pointless observation.

  “How is it up there? Are you okay?”

  From the side of my eye, an unfamiliar male figure came into view. He casually made his way across the cemetery, and as I watched him, an odd feeling settled over me, which I found uncomfortable. He looked normal enough—neatly dressed with a bouquet of flowers hanging loosely in his hand. Then he stopped at a grave and stared for a bit before moving to another. I shrugged it off and continued with my visit.

  “Your sister is getting married soon. I haven’t met the guy, but your dad says he’s nice.” I tucked my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them. “His name is Kyle. He’s actually from California, so it looks like they’re planning on making their life out west. But you might have already known some of this. She’s upset that you can’t be there.”

  I waited, hoping somehow he’d miraculously join in on the conversation.

  “I bet you’re wondering why I came back. Well, you can thank Leeza for that. She said I shouldn’t be on my own right now.” I wanted him to tell me I wasn’t alone.

  “Maybe I believe her. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I think I should at least try. What do you think?” A quiet sarcastic laugh escaped me, knowing damn well he wouldn’t answer. I tilted my head back to the sky again, this time taking in a long, deep breath before speaking.

  “I wish I had an idea of what to do. Without you, I feel completely lost. There were so many things we never got to do,” I spoke softly. “The trips we were going to take, the family we were going to start, or the real wedding we were going to have. So many things—”

  Movement stopped my words, and I cut my eyes to the left. It seemed as if the mysterious man was headed in my direction. My spine straightened while I kept him in my peripheral vision. When my internal voice warned me that he was getting uncomfortably close, I leaned toward Tyler’s headstone, pressed a kiss to my palm, and then gently skimmed my fingers across his name.

  “I love you. I’ll visit later.”

  I stood and turned toward my car, acting as casual as my nerves allowed. After a few steps, a tiny voice inside me said to look over my shoulder.

  I turned.

  Our eyes locked.

  And for a split second, it was as if my feet were pinned to the earth beneath me. An undeniable force ordered me to go back, to go talk to the man, who was exquisitely handsome in an unworldly kind of way. His full beard was well kempt and his lips were pulled up in a warm and genuine smile. What really had me feeling faint was the intensity of his rustic honey-colored eyes.

  They were the same color as Tyler’s eyes.

  My heart skipped a beat, but not in fear. No, this feeling was entirely new and alien and unwanted. I didn’t smile back, and I didn’t wait for him to get close enough to talk to me before I turned and continued to my car.

  In all these months, I had never reacted to anyone, let alone a man. My body tingled, awaking feelings inside me. Feelings I was not ready to acknowledge.

  The second I sat in my car, I locked the doors, pulled the glove box open, and pretended to look for something. All the while, I watched curiously from over the dash as the man made his way to a gravestone not too far from Tyler’s.

  Time ticked on, and my pulse returned to normal. I questioned why I had reacted the way I had as I turned back to the man. He stood there with his chin tucked to his chest, his lips moving, and I knew he was having a one-sided conversation of his own. Something about witnessing that gave me a sense of comfort.

  I didn’t know that man, but we shared a common thread, the pain of loss.

  Glancing over at Tyler’s grave one last time, I whispered, “I love you” before shifting the car into drive and taking off.

  “You can do this. It’s just a box.” I tried convincing myself. “Yeah, but the contents inside are probably going to break my heart all over again.” I set the box beside me on the couch.

  It took me two weeks to gather the courage and acknowledge that damn box. I knew the letter would be amongst the contents, and I was nowhere prepared to read Tyler’s final words.

  Not until tonight.

  I poured a heaping glass of white wine, set the bottle on the floor next to my feet, and contemplated how I should go about doing this. Would I shuffle through his belongings then decide how much I could handle. Or summon the strong woman I was and honor my husband’s memory the way he deserved.

  I downed the contents of my first glass, refille
d it, and reached for the box. As I peeled back the long strip of tape, my heart surged to the back of my throat, and I had to stop halfway.

  Why didn’t I call Leeza and ask her to be here with me?

  Doing this all on my own seemed like such a difficult task, something I wasn’t sure I could do, but knew I didn’t have much choice—I had to.

  After fighting with the crumpled up tape, I pulled it free and then tossed it to the floor.

  Baby steps.

  I poured another glass, clearly stalling, but there was no way I could rush this. Having the box unsealed was already a big step. Besides the letter, I had no idea what else I would find, and the fear of the unknown held a vise grip around my heart.

  I shifted in my seat to face the box, tucked my legs under me, and swirled my wine around. I inhaled and exhaled loudly a few times before pulling back the flaps. A crisp white envelope with my name on it was right there on the top. My hand shook as I removed the letter from the box, took in the neat lines of my name written by Tyler’s handwriting, and burst into tears. I smiled then frowned and wiped the blurring tears away, but they continued to fall effortlessly.

  How am I going to do this?

  “Couldn’t leave well enough alone could you? Had to go and make me cry like a damn baby?” I sassed and tried to laugh, but a half-hearted smile was the best I could do.

  I set the envelope to the side and rummaged through the rest of the contents. A short stack of letters was rubber banded together, and a genuine smile tugged at my lips. I couldn’t believe he kept these.

  Neither one of us was overly mushy or sentimental, except on rare occasions like when he was deployed. He told me that my letters were what got him through the long and rough patches, so I never missed a week. Seeing my handwriting and reading my words, gave him the willingness to believe that everything would somehow be all right.

  I set the stack down and reached into the box again. Random photos—a handful of him and me and a few of him with his fellow airmen. There were only a couple of guys I recognized. As I focused on Tyler, an odd image of the man from the cemetery with the warm smile and rustic, honey-colored eyes came to mind. I dropped the photo as if it had burned my fingers and goose bumps popped up over every inch of my skin.

  My body felt flush, and I fought against the reasons I was thinking about a complete stranger. Then I argued with myself that it was all due to the wine. There was no other logical explanation for why I was warm and tingly.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling guilty for no reason. It wasn’t as if I were involved with the man. Still, the way my body seemed to react simply at the thought of him was unexpected.

  Forcing through, I removed one of Tyler’s T-shirts, bringing it to my nose. The faint smell of him lingered, and my heart ached. Soon that smell would be nonexistent, just like his presence, and I hated that each day he was slipping further away.

  Sitting there with pieces of Tyler had quickly become too much. I poured myself another glass of wine, this time to the rim and didn’t stop to take a breath until I drank the glass dry. The warmth I experienced a minute ago raged through me, and this time, there was no doubt the wine was doing what I had set out for it to do.

  I set the glass on the floor by my feet, curled up with Ty’s T-shirt and the letter, closed my eyes, and held the shirt to my nose. I loved the smell of Ty, manly and musky with a hint of clean. I allowed myself a minute to just breathe him in before I pulled the lip of the envelope back and slowly pulled the pages out. The second I saw Ty’s handwriting, tears welled in my eyes again.

  Dear Lilly,

  This is actually the third “final” letter I’ve written to you. The first I wrote a week before boot camp ended. I knew at some point I would be deployed, and well, in this line of work, you never know what’ll happen. The second letter I wrote while we were kind of separated. You were in college and I was stationed in Guam. I hated not being with you, and I’m glad I got to rip up that letter when I got home because it was a bit too emotional, especially for me. Writing these letters is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. To leave you with my final words on paper and not have them come from my lips is worse than any training I’ve had to endure. But I’ve been able to bear it because I knew I would see you again. This letter . . . this letter doesn’t feel like the first two.

  I’m leaving for deployment tomorrow, and I’ve been having these unnerving feelings. It’s almost as if I know I won’t make it back.

  So, if you’re reading this, you know I didn’t make it home.

  That is the first thing I need to apologize for.

  The second thing I need to apologize for is that I made you wait so long to read this.

  I hope by now you’re doing okay, that you have grieved for me, and your heart is no longer heavy, especially since it’s been at least six months, maybe even longer since I’ve been gone. Yes, this is why I had my dad promise me he wouldn’t give you this box until he thought you were ready to handle what I had to say. I needed you to grieve, mourn my death, and curse my name for leaving you. Hopefully now, you’re ready to let go. So when you read these words, I hope you understand and find it in your heart to agree with me.

  I guess the best way to start this is by telling you that I love you.

  I’ll always love you. I know we’ve said it a million times, but those three words could never hold the weight of just how much. I’d do and give anything for you. You were always my sunshine. From the very first time I laid eyes on you, you not being my girl stopped being an option. I was determined, and if for some reason you turned me down, I would keep trying. Show up on your doorstep and become a permanent fixture. I told myself I would try until I turned blue in the face. I would turn shit upside down, and if I had to, I would have followed you to the ends of the earth until you finally agreed to be mine. Lucky for me, you had the hots for me, too.

  I laughed through the tears. We were both lucky we had the hots for each other. Back in high school, Tyler and RJ were two of the hottest guys on campus, true gentlemen with swagger and charm.

  You have always been so vibrant and full of life. A girl who didn’t take shit from anyone, not even me—most of the time. I will always love and respect that about you. Not too many girls could compete where you were concerned. Never needy or ragging on me, you went with the flow. A guy couldn’t ask for a better ride-or-die girl by his side.

  Through the years, you blossomed into this beautiful woman, and I couldn’t have been more proud to have called you mine.

  Then there was the fact that you supported and encouraged me to live out my dream. You stood by my side all these years, even in times when we had to be apart. These have been some of the best and scariest years of my life. Before you, I never wanted anything more than to be yours and to be a pilot in the US Air Force. To soar the skies, feel the rush, the speed. Mama always said I could never keep my feet on the ground, and she was right.

  If I were a bigger man, I would’ve let you live a life with someone who came home to you every night. Who was there to hold and kiss you, have conversations about everything and nothing at all, give you the family you so desperately wanted and deserved. I’m not a bigger man. I’m selfish, and I love you too much to have considered that. I’m not sure many women could have endured this life as you have.

  It’s why I can’t let you spend the rest of your life wishing I were still alive. Lilly, I need you to find someone to love and who loves you back. This is not easy to say, but you need to move on.

  “What!” I screeched and pressed the letter to my chest as my heart beat rapidly against the cage of my ribs. What the hell was he talking about? Was he out of his mind? Did he plan this with my mother?

  I buried my face in his T-shirt and cried. I didn’t want to move on. I wanted him and only him. We vowed, and that vow went far, far beyond this life. When my time came to leave this earth, I would scour the heavens for him. We will be reunited. Our souls were connected. There was nothing that
could sever the bond we shared.

  “No!” I barked and pulled the T-shirt from my face. “How could you ask that of me?” The tears came down harder as I clutched the letter in anger and kept reading.

  You ready to listen now?

  I know this is hard for you to read. Hell, if I’m being honest, I want to kick my own ass for suggesting it, but you have to. You cannot be alone for the rest of your life, thinking and dreaming about what could have been. You are young and beautiful. God, you are so beautiful. And you have so much to live for.

  “It’ll never happen, Ty. I could never move on. Exist? Yes. Go through the motions? Fine. But don’t ask that of me,” I mumbled through a fresh round of tears, completely aware of how crazy I must have looked talking to myself. I sniffled and hated that the tender skin under my eyes started to burn as I continued to read.

  I remember one of the last talks RJ and I had and his words I will never forget: It takes a special kind of woman to be a soldier’s wife.

  You are that woman, Lilly, and for that, I thank you.

  There was more to read, but I couldn’t bring myself to flip the page. Reading Tyler’s words had begun to weigh heavy on my heart. Not once had I ever doubted his love for me, but reading his words took me to a whole new dimension. I gently folded the letter and tucked it back into the envelope. Holding his words close to my heart, I closed my eyes, curled up on the couch, and prayed that I could somehow, someday, honor his request—for him.

  “Shit,” I cursed when the cold from the floor shot through my feet, and then I froze when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. “You look like absolute shit,” I grumbled to myself, and my face scrunched in disgust. My hair was a ratted mess, and my eyes were puffy and red. I looked like Rudolph on Christmas Eve with the tip of my nose shining bright. “You need to pull yourself together.”