Between Him and Us

by Nicole Richard

  Breathe, baby. This is a lot to take in.

  If I know you, you’re shocked as hell, and I know this will never compare to the two of us raising a family together, but here’s your chance for a baby.

  A part of me—and a part of you.

  This might be selfish of me. Hell, you’re probably calling me every colorful name in the damn book, but if I know you, you’re wondering how and why. Why now, when I’m gone. I can’t give you a reasonable answer other than I wanted to give you the choice. If this is something you want, I wanted to be able to give it to you. I would have given you the world had it been in my power to do so.

  Please know this wasn’t an easy decision for me. I won’t be there to help you, and that thought alone kills me. We always had a hard time coming to a decision when it came to starting a family, but I always knew that eventually I would. So, at least I can keep that promise to myself.

  Take some time, Lilly, heck, take all the time you want, but whatever you do, please don’t rush into this. Whether you decide to go through with it or not, I want you to do what you feel is right for you instead of feeling obligated to do it. Let your heart decide.

  If you have questions or need someone to talk to, Helena Casales, Joe’s wife, is willing to help you in any way she can. Just call her if you need to (803) 415-5656.

  Please call Dr. Hardy, she knows all about my situation and is willing to help you as well.

  I love you. Always in love with you.

  Your Ty

  What did I just read?

  What the fuck did I just read?

  I clenched my teeth and pushed out deep breaths through my nose. Shock didn’t even touch the emotions that took over me.

  “Now! Of all the things you could have done for me. You decide—when you’re not here—that you want to give me baby?” My throat burned, and in a split second, my body incited a mountain of emotions: anger, joy, hurt, and love ran through me. It was so fast that I had no idea how to react reasonably.

  An all-consuming rage forced a scream from deep in my chest.

  “Fuck you, Tyler!” I stood, as if standing would help damper the anger. “And you thought I was selfish?” I spat toward the ceiling, questioning, praying that for once he would give me answer.

  Some kind of sign.

  Anything.

  My hands shook, my vision tunneled, and all I could think about was the pain his words induced. Never in my life had my entire being felt like it had been pummeled to the ground from mere words. The wracking sobs took over, and I swore to God that I was having an out of body experience.

  I ran to my bedroom and came to a skidding stop. The picture of the two of us on our wedding day came into view. With my heart hammering in my chest, I rushed over to Tyler’s side of the bed and punched his pillow.

  “Why, Tyler? Why . . . God, you drive me insane,” I screamed, choking out my words, and then held my breath. My lungs burned like a motherfucker as I struggled to breathe.

  I hated this life—hated living it without him.

  I grabbed his pillow and whacked it against the mattress.

  Repeatedly.

  Over and over, until my arms grew weak.

  I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, for leaving.

  For making me feel this way.

  For giving me some kind of twisted hope.

  “All those years when you could have had some kind of presence in our child’s life, but you weren’t ready,” I screamed out. My arms ached, and a sharp, slicing pain seared through my chest. “Now, you decide you were ready! When I would be all alone!”

  With all the force my body could muster, I threw his pillow across the room, knocking over our wedding picture. I fell to my knees with my face in my hands, asking myself what I was supposed to do. Why! Why now? Oh, god! I needed my sister—before I hurt someone, which would most likely end up being myself.

  My stomach twisted into a million tiny knots, summoning a sob to break through my chest. There was still a very real chance I could have the one thing from Tyler that I’d always wanted—a piece of the both of us—together.

  “Why would you do this to me?” I whispered through the ugly tears, the fight I had in me seconds ago, disappearing each time I exhaled.

  I still wasn’t sure if I should call Leeza, or just sit there and cry.

  “God, what am I supposed to do? How do I move on from this?” I begged for the answers I so desperately needed. I needed a minute to think this all through, even though I would need a million minutes to think this through.

  “You’re never coming back. Now what?”

  I had so many questions, and this was such a huge decision to make. Tyler was giving me a chance at the one thing I had always wanted. I could bring a child into this world and carry on his legacy or I could choose not to go through with it and my husband would forever rest in peace.

  Days passed where I barely made it out of bed or off the couch, and I refused to answer anyone’s calls, even Leeza’s. I loved my sister dearly, but I couldn’t handle her trying to find the silver lining in this situation.

  I spent hours torturing myself with sappy love movies or staring off at nothing, contemplating what life would be like if he had chosen a different career path. If he went to college or even went to pilot school. What our life would have been like if he was still alive.

  Besides, there wasn’t much else to do otherwise. No dirty dishes left in the sink to wash, no need to restock the fridge or the cabinets, and no laundry to wash. Why would there be when I’d been living in the same sweatpants and one of Tyler’s T-shirts for days.

  The television had been on for a while. I lay there watching the credits to the last movie that was playing come to an end before it cuts to a commercial for dog food, then one for an assisted living senior center. That was when I lost it.

  We were supposed to grow old together.

  What did he want me to do? I looked around the empty room, as if the answer were hidden in the paint or carpet fibers. Why couldn’t he have said this was something he needed me to do? For us. Why leave me with having to make such a huge decision all on my own? I pulled the blanket up and over my head, tucked my hands under the pillow, and cried.

  So sick of crying, I cried even more.

  My swollen eyes slowly made their way down to my flat belly, envisioning what it would look like swollen with his child. If I decided to go through with it, would I always look at our child and resent him or her? Would I look at that sweet baby and think he or she was a replacement, a consolation prize? There was no way in my current unstable state that I could carry a child.

  Maybe I wouldn’t ever be ready.

  That thought sent my whole world spinning. What would Tyler think of me if I didn’t go through with it? Would he hate me somehow for not carrying on his family name? Would he turn away and never visit my dreams again, too hurt that I wouldn’t do this in memory of him, of us?

  The black hole surrounding me only grew bigger and bigger with each new question, with each passing day. Soon I would be pushed over the edge, deeper into the depths without ever finding my way back.

  Then, somehow during the night, everything changed.

  I took heed to Leeza and her tough love when she came over last night to check in, desperately pleading with me to let her help. To let her get me some help. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t need to spill my problems to some shrink, only to have them to turn my words around and psychoanalyze me. I just needed time and another dose of long overdue whiskey.

  When I had lain in bed last night, I was Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson, widow to Tyler Gibson. When I woke this morning, I was still Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson, Tyler’s widow, but with an alternate outlook on my life.

  Grieving the death of my husband, I lost myself along the way. No, I hadn’t lost my way. I’d sat down on the damn path and refused to budge, allowing the rain and snow and burning sun to decimate what was left of my battered heart and soul. That inside turmoil was reflect
ing outward onto my appearance, and by just looking at me, anyone could tell I was a wreck.

  Yesterday, it hadn’t mattered. Why should it have? At the time, I wanted nothing more than to be left alone and wither away into a cloud of dust. Each day, another piece of my heart chipped away at the realization that Tyler was never coming back.

  Today, I eyed my split ends critically as I wandered to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge. As I peered at the condiments and questionable containers of to-go food, I decided I would take Leeza up on her offer. Today was the day for a change—at least the start of it.

  An hour later, I stood in the doorway of Vanity Salon, the salon Leeza owned.

  My eyes traced each one of the fancy turquoise-and-white letters etched into the glass. I took in a deep breath, closed my eyes for a split second, and pushed the door in.

  The entire salon was bathed in white-and-turquoise accents. Eye-catching pendant lights hung throughout, giving it a warm and inviting feel.

  “Hey, Lilly, how are you?” Tamra rounded the high-top reception desk and gave me a big hug. “It’s so good to see you.” It felt good to hear the welcome in her voice and not the normal sympathy I was used to receiving.

  “Better, but I’ll be good after I get rid of all this hair and put some life back into it.”

  She nodded knowingly and smiled.

  “Lilly!” Leeza called from across the room. “Get over here,” she hollered, her beaming smile blinding me.

  Taking this baby step as my first initiative to move forward was huge, and my sister knew just how much.

  “I’m so glad you decided to do this.” She pulled me in for a hug and whispered, “This is good. This’ll be good for you.” When she pulled back, I caught a glimpse of her sad smile, but she covered it quickly when she clasped her hands together and swayed a bit to the music playing in the background. “You ready?”

  “I am, and you sound way too happy about my letting you have at my hair.”

  “Sit,” she ordered, pointing to the salon chair and continuing to smile.

  “I’m not a dog you know.” I smiled back.

  “Didn’t say you were.” I did as she asked and watched as she bustled about, preparing her station for my transformation.

  Bringing a turquoise cape around my front, she snapped it in place behind my neck, and I remembered all those times growing up when she would practice her pampering on me. Since she and I were the only two girls in a family of five, I was always the lucky one who got poked and prodded with some styling tool or bathed in the new smelly product. Well, unless our brother Dane had lost some kind of wager against her. I can’t even begin to count the times he was forced into letting Leeza paint his fingernails and toenails.

  “All right, what am I allowed to do here?” She set her foot on the foot pedal, raising my chair higher.

  “Cut, color”—I shrugged—“surprise me.” I couldn’t believe I was giving her free reign over my transformation, but I really did trust her. “Just don’t use this as payback for that one time I stuck gum in your hair.”

  “I love you,” she said, beaming a megawatt smile, revenge an afterthought.

  Leeza kissed the top of my head and then combed her fingers through my dull and lifeless locks. Standing there in a trance, she visualized and plotted, mentally creating her finished product. “I’ll be right back.”

  I nodded and waited.

  “Hey, Lilly, can I get you anything to drink or read while you wait?” Tamra asked. “We have tea, water, or coffee.” She continued sweeping the station next to me. “A magazine to read?”

  “I’m good for now, but thank you.”

  “You bet. Let me know if you change your mind.” She smiled and finished sweeping, leaving me to stare at my reflection in front of me. I pictured who the woman in the mirror would look like once Leeza was done. If I had to admit, I was a little nervous. Make that a whole lot nervous. Even though I had the utmost trust in my sister and knew she would do an exceptional job, I was a little uncertain of whether this was a good place to start. What if the look she visualized didn’t match me? Or worse, I hated all of her hard work? That was about the same time she reappeared locked and loaded, ready to work.

  “Ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be.”

  Leeza paused, looking at me through the mirror. “I meant when you’re done. You ready to start fresh?”

  Was I? Could it be possible that the time had come to put one foot in front of the other? To give this a fair shot? I thought I was ready, but there was only one way to find out. I nodded and swallowed hard. “Ready.”

  “Sit back and relax.”

  I sat there, quiet with a death grip on my cell phone as she foiled and colored. What color? I had no idea, and I didn’t bother to ask. It was too late for that, anyway.

  “So . . . have you given it anymore thought?”

  “Not a whole lot.” I watched her closely as she added another foil to my head. “I’ve been trying to picture what life would be like if I did go through with it.” I stopped and took a silent breath. Tears were already threatening, and I didn’t want to cry anymore—well, not today at least. “I’ve always wanted this, Leez, but now that he’s not here . . . I’m not so sure anymore.”

  She nodded. “That’s totally understandable. And it isn’t a situation to take lightly.” Her eyes shifted off somewhere, but she softened her voice. “I’m sorry to say this, but I’m a little pissed at him for springing this on you the way he did. I know how much you wanted a family with Tyler . . . but how is it the same without him here to help you?”

  She had a damn good point.

  “I still don’t know the answer to that, but I think I owe it to myself to at least talk to the doctor. Get some answers, go from there. Don’t you think?” I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “At this point, that would be the best decision.” She stopped what she was doing, held on to the seat back, and looked at me through the mirror. “Just promise me that whatever you decide, you are deciding what is best for you.”

  “I will.” At the very least, I would try. This whole thing seemed impossible, though. Between the happiness over him giving me this and the guilt of possibly needing not to take the gift, I didn’t know what to do. Time. I needed time. So, I would take all I needed. There was no real rush. Not yet, at least.

  “Good. Now let me do my thing.” She smirked and slipped into her element as I turned my attention to my phone. After forty minutes or so, it was time for my favorite part—the shampooing. “All right, let’s go and wash this out.”

  One by one, she pulled the foils from my hair, letting the warm water caress my scalp. The tingles mixed with the clean and expensive smell of the shampoo was like heaven. Leeza never skimped on quality and always used the best products. I lay there, thoroughly enjoying the extra time she took massaging my scalp.

  “Um, Lilly . . .” Leeza giggled while massaging my head. “You’re moaning.”

  “Can’t help it.” I smiled wide. “You keep giving me scalp orgasms.” I clenched my teeth and curled my toes as ripples of euphoria passed through me. I opened my eyes just in time to see her throw her head back and have a good laugh at my expense.

  “Oh my goodness, that’s hilarious. I’m so going to steal that.” She snorted softly before mumbling, “Scalp orgasms.”

  It felt good to laugh, especially since it really had been too long.

  Back at my chair, I watched as she snipped and the chunks of hair fell to the floor.

  “So, what about you? Any new prospects?”

  It had been some time since I saw my sister out with a man.

  “Nope.”

  “And why not?” Leeza was gorgeous. She always had a man with his tongue hanging out, wagging his tail after her. But I had a strong hunch she was still hung up on her ex, regardless of how much she denied it.

  “I needed a break from all that drama. Plus, I have the salon to think about, which takes up the majority of my
time.” She put her entire focus on cutting my hair for a minute. Then she huffed, looking irritated. “I’m also stressed having to do the business part. I’m a creative person, Lilly, not a business one, that’s you.”

  “Makes sense I guess.”

  “Oh, by the way, Dane called.” I met her eyes in the mirror, wondering where she was going with this. I hadn’t talked to any of my brothers since the funeral.

  “Yeah? What’d he have to say?”

  She stopped cutting, and I was beginning to wonder if she would ever finish.

  “He called to see how you were doing, if I thought it would be okay if he stopped by for a visit.”

  “And what did you tell him?”

  “I wasn’t sure and that I would have to check with you first.” She sighed. “He’s our brother, Lilly—he’s just worried about you.”

  “I know. Maybe I’ll give him a call.”

  “That’s a good idea. He did say that if you need someone to take care of the truck—you know, change the oil and stuff—he’d be glad to help.”

  “Thanks. I may need to take him up on that.” It would be a shame to let Tyler’s truck go to shit.

  By the time she was done blow-drying and curling, I knew all my worrying had all been for nothing. My sister spun my chair to face me toward the mirror.

  “Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson, meet the improved and gorgeous, I might add, Lilly Crenshaw-Gibson.”

  My eyes went wide as I sat in awe of the beautiful work Leeza had done. Approximately six inches shorter, my hair sat right below my shoulders. Fiery and vibrant red highlights gave it the life it had been lacking. It was the complete opposite of the long and dull mousy brown it was a short while ago.

  “Thank you. I love it,” I complimented, sat up straight, and turned my head from side to side.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.” I gave her a reassuring smile. “I needed this, and I really do love it.”

  She passed me a handheld mirror, and spun me around once more to take a look at the back. I loved everything about it from the length to the color to the cut. It made me feel fresh and ready for a brand new start.