Misjudged

by Sarah Elizabeth

  “I’m afraid that if you leave now, then … I’m scared you won’t let me in, and you’ll push me away.” I whisper as I slowly bring my hands up and around his neck. He takes a deep breath, while moving his hands onto my hips and squeezing me gently.

  “And I’m scared,” he says in a hoarse whisper, “I’m scared of what and how I’ll feel, if I let you in.”

  Dropping his hands from my waist, he steps away from me. I watch him rake his hands back through his hair, and then he lets out a deep breath. He turns so his back is to me, and I feel my stomach roll from that ever present knot that’s tightening.

  He’s going to leave. I know he is. He’s going to shut me out. I wait for him to say something. I want him to stay.

  “I’ll stay,” he nods his head once before turning back around. There’s uneasiness in his eyes as he makes his way back over to my bed. “But only until you fall asleep.”

  Once Brandon gets comfortable on my bed, I lay myself beside him and rest my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. There are no more words spoken, we just hold each other. I can feel and hear his heart thrashing in his chest and find myself to be drifting off to sleep almost instantly.

  10.

  Time.

  I find myself waking up with a wide smile spreading across my face. The very smile caused by the way Brandon held me in his arms as I drifted off to sleep. Without even opening my eyes, I know it’s morning from the sound of the birds singing outside of my window.

  He told me he was only going to stay until I fell asleep, but before I open my eyes, I’m secretly hoping that he changed his mind and that when I turn over, he’ll be lying next to me.

  He isn’t.

  Disappointment courses through my body when I see the empty space beside me. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up but at least he stayed, if only for a little while. Letting out a sigh, I glance over at my alarm clock. It’s almost six, and although my classes don’t start until ten today, I’m feeling too restless to stay in bed any longer.

  I feel around under my pillow for my cell phone, but find a piece of paper occupying its place instead.

  You snore.

  A grin immediately forms over my face and I chuckle at what he’s written. After everything he told me last night and how serious the conversation was, he still managed to mock me before he left. I’m glad. I’m hoping that talking to me about it and opening up has helped him in some way.

  I find my cell underneath my other pillow and check for any missed calls or messages, but there aren’t any. I want to message him, although I haven’t any real reason to, especially this early on a Monday morning. Dammit, I’m going to anyway.

  Thank you for telling me. I know it was hard for you. Alex X

  There. That wasn’t so hard.

  I hear something vibrating on my nightstand, and when I look over, I see a cell phone and a watch. He’s still here? Butterflies are soaring through my lower abdomen as I bolt myself upright. The shirt he was wearing last night is neatly folded on the chair by my desk. He stayed. My smile is beaming widely as I jump out of my bed.

  Checking my appearance in the mirror, I see someone with a look of contentment and wearing what is probably the cheesiest grin I’ve ever seen before, staring back at me. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I shrug into my short, black silk dressing robe and head into the living area.

  “You have some freaking explaining to do, Miss freaking gah!” Before I even have a chance to close my bedroom door, Alyssa is dragging me towards the kitchen by my right arm, with what appears to be with the utmost urgency.

  “Alyssa!” I gasp when she finally lets go of me. “I thought you were at over at Seth’s?” I rub my arm because that girl has some serious nails going on. I’m surprised she didn’t draw any blood because of the way she way gripping me so tightly.

  She leans herself against the refrigerator and glares at me, “He’s being a freakwit. Anyway that’s not why I dragged your ass in here!” She walks over to join me as I fire up the coffee machine.

  “So, what’s up?” I try to act as casually as I can, but he’s still here and I want to hug her or something. He stayed. Yes, I know, I already said that.

  “Don’t give me that!” She wiggles her index finger in front of my nose and narrows her eyes, although from the way they’re sparkling, I can tell she’s excited about something. “Would you care to explain why I was greeted by a half-naked man coming out of your room, when I got home just a few of minutes ago?”

  Turning away from her fixated gaze, I fill the machine with some water as I try to evade her questioning, although I know there’s no way of avoiding her latest interrogation for long, “Oh, that,” I mumble, while opening the door to the overhead cupboard. I try to reach for a couple of mugs and see from the corner of my eye that she’s shaking her head at me. “Brandon. He …”

  “Would love a coffee.” I hadn’t realized he was within earshot and the sound of his voice makes me jump and step back.

  Glancing to my right, I see him leaning against the doorway, with his arms crossed over his chest and his left foot crossed over his right. He’s still shirtless and aiming his smile and eyes firmly over on me. Wow. He is most definitely a morning person and I quickly avert my eyes, before he catches me staring, again.

  Alyssa’s regarding the two of us with suspicion, and I can tell that this particular conversation is far from over. “I want every single freaking detail later, do you hear me?” Her eyes are brightening even more as she attempts to whisper through her clenched teeth. Although, I’m sure it was loud enough for him to hear because he’s raising his eyebrows at the both of us now.

  She grins at Brandon while sauntering out of the room, turning back and throwing me a wink over her shoulder, as she allows her eyes to skim over his body for a few seconds really longer than necessary.

  I roll my eyes at her ogling before standing on my tiptoes to reach for a couple of mugs. Whoever made these cabinets sure should’ve thought to make them a little lower. Unless you’re around six feet tall, you don’t have a chance in hell to reach anything up there. As I stretch my arm so I can try to grasp a hold of them, I immediately pause when I feel him come up behind me. His bare chest brushes lightly against my back, and then his arms extend around my sides and in front of me, as he reaches up and grabs a couple of mugs down.

  He slowly places them down on the counter and my breath hitches when his arms stay around me, as he places his hands flat on the countertop. “Thank you, Alexis,” he says with a low voice into my ear, and I automatically close my eyes at the sensation of his breath breezing over me. It makes me wonder if he’d be like this every morning.

  With just enough space to turn around and face him, I furrow my eyebrows at him in confusion. He removes one of his hands from behind me and tucks a tendril of my hair behind my ear, before softly tracing his fingers down my neck. “Why are you thanking me?” My voice doesn’t sound right. It’s lower than normal, and my God, this guy really has an effect on me.

  He smiles warmly and closes his eyes for a brief moment. He steps closer and I feel the kitchen cabinet against my lower back, and his waist pressing ever so slightly against mine. Leaning forward, he moves both of his hands on to my waist and re-opens his eyes.

  “I haven’t slept that well since before …” His voice is quiet and he stops himself from saying anymore, although he doesn’t need to finish what he was about to say. I know what he meant.

  “You look refreshed, today,” I tell him as my eyes continue to examine his. “Maybe talking about it helped in some way.” He nods, while stroking his fingers tenderly along the small of my back. The rush of heat I’m experiencing in my lower body from his touch isn’t helping me concentrate on keeping myself steady on my feet.

  Hearing voices from the living area, he steps back slowly, and I swear I just saw a flash of disappointment enter his eyes. Damn, I wanted him to kiss me.

  I feel a lot happier this morning
than I have in days now that he’s opened up to me, and this morning, I’m thankful that he isn’t pushing me away. I sense we’re going to be getting closer from here on out. I like this feeling, a lot.

  He rakes his left hand through his hair again, while making his way out the room. I release a small breath and go about preparing our coffee before carrying them through to the main room. I hesitantly walk towards the couches when I see Brandon pacing the floor. Neil and Ryan are sitting there watching him, and don’t appear any happier than Brandon does at this present moment in time.

  “What’s going on?” I inquire, as I carefully place the mugs on the coffee table. Neil lets out a deep breath and looks down at an envelope that’s sitting on his lap. “Did you ...?”

  “We went to pick up some files for Brandon. There’s nothing in them that helps, though.” Ryan looks defeated as he throws himself against the back of the couch.

  Turning my gaze back to Brandon, I see he has now stopped pacing the floor, and instead, his hands are on his hips and his head’s tilted towards the ceiling. His tense shoulders and rigid stance suggest the jovial mood he was exhibiting back in the kitchen is long gone.

  “We weren’t expecting you to be over here so early,” Neil sits forward as he aims his question to Brandon. “What time did you get here?” I notice Brandon’s whole body still at Neil’s words.

  Ryan flickers his eyes over to me for a split second, and if the look on his face is anything to go by, he knows that Brandon didn’t actually leave last night.

  “Alyssa let me in,” Brandon tells Neil, and I feel my eyes go wide at what he just said. “Would you be able to stay in bed if you thought you might get the answers you’ve been waiting for, for so long?”

  Neil throws the envelope on the table and stands. “No, I probably wouldn’t have even left if I was in your position.” He walks over to Brandon and pats him on the back a couple of times before heading to his room.

  Thank goodness for Alyssa and Seth having another argument or we would’ve had to explain that he stayed with me. It’s not so much them knowing that I’m worried about; it’s not as though we were doing anything. I just don’t want them to think I didn’t listen to a word they said the other day, when they told me that it’s for best if I don’t get involved with him.

  “You came over without as much as a shirt?” Ryan’s voice sounds amused as he stands. “Just curious.” He winks and smirks at me, and from this, I think he’s actually coming around to the idea that Brandon and I might, in all actuality be good together, well one day, anyway.

  Waiting until after Ryan closes the bathroom door, I pick up Brandon’s coffee and take it over to him. “It’ll get cold,” I say, and watch as he turns to face me. His eyes have lost some of their sparkle, but it’s completely understandable as to why.

  He takes the mug from me and gives me a tight-lipped, “Thanks.” He sounds so low, so… dejected. “I better go and grab my shirt.” His shoulders are slouched as he walks slowly by me and back into my room.

  Following him, I see him sitting on the edge of my bed with his forearms resting on his knees and his head hanging low. My eyes land on his tattoos and it’s all beginning to make sense. Loyalty and faithful.

  “Can I ask you something?” I sit beside him, keeping my eyes on the black ink that’s embedded on his skin. He turns to face me. “Did you get those done after Holly died?” He doesn’t answer but just simply nods while letting out a deep sigh.

  “I got the faithful one just after she died, right before I got locked in a cell,” his voice is small. I watch as he lays himself back on my bed as he closes his eyes again before continuing. “I got the loyalty one on the same day I got let out. This is why—”

  “You feel guilty.” I lay myself beside him and grab his left hand, entwining our fingers. “This is why you don’t, I mean, why you won’t …” Why didn’t I see this before now?

  He opens his eyes and lifts his right hand over to my face, and tenderly strokes my left cheek. “I never thought I’d feel the same things again, Alexis. The night of the ball, I thought that… I actually felt like I was the same person I was before.” He turns onto his side and his voice sounds desperate, as though he needs to explain everything he’s thinking and feeling to me. “Wearing the mask, I didn’t feel the guilt. I didn’t feel that exact same guilt that keeps eating away inside of me, every time I think about touching you, every time I think about kissing you, every time I think about what it would be like to make love to you.”

  Wow. My heart is thrashing in my chest and all I want to do is pull him to me. Make love to me? “When you said you used me, that’s what you meant.” I turn my head and train my gaze on the ceiling above me. “You feel like you’re being unfaithful to her.”

  “I don’t want to forget her, Alexis. Why should I have the chance to be happy when she’s all alone and six feet underground?” He’s still on his side, and resting his head on his raised hand as he looks at me. “She didn’t deserve any of this … I feel like I’m betraying her for wanting so badly to start something with someone else. For … for wanting to start something with you, Alexis.”

  My stomach begins tying itself in knots again, knowing he wants the same thing as I do, but not being able to act on it because of his pain, and feelings of remorse. He’s still blaming himself for what happened. “Brandon, none of this was your fault. She knows it wasn’t you who did that to her. I know you didn’t do it.” I sit myself up and stare into his now glazed eyes.

  “Holly was the last person I … the last person I kissed before you. I wanted normalcy and you gave me that. Shit, Alexis, you stirred up all of these incredible feelings that I didn’t want, but at the same time, I wanted so bad … I despise the way I’ve handled this whole thing but I can’t …” He moves himself off of the bed and lingers by the edge, while his eyes remain fully focused on me.

  Keeping my eyes locked on his, I climb off my bed and stand in front of him. As he rests his hand softly on the nape of my neck, I whisper, “What? So you’re saying you didn’t kiss any of the women you were sleeping with?”

  “Not once. Not a single damn time. They were just sex, a distraction from everything. They didn’t mean a damn thing, none of them. Holly and I never slept together, so to me, sex is nothing, but kissing … kissing is everything.” This would explain why he freaked during the audition. “The reason why I reacted the way I did on the stage was because the mask wasn’t there to hide me from the reality. The guilt started to kick in and I got scared. That’s why I walked away.” He shrugs his shoulders and lets out a deep sigh.

  “But I don’t understand. Why did you even offer to help me? You saw the manuscript so you knew it was going to upset you.” Why would he put himself through something like this, if he knew it was going to make him suffer from the guilt right afterwards?

  His smile is small as he begins trailing his fingers over my neck and across my jaw. “You said you wanted to make your mom proud, and I could see how much you craved it.”

  He knew how he’d subsequently feel, but he still did it anyway. I’m the first person he’s kissed since his late girlfriend, and he’s finding it hard to move on. I actually think I’m starting to fall hard for this guy. Sitting myself back down on my bed, I place my head in my hands, take a couple of deep breaths and a moment to think.

  Does this mean he wants to try? Or did he mean he wants to but he can’t? I have too many thoughts whizzing around in my head to even try and figure this out.

  “I’m gonna go,” he says quietly as he grabs his shirt from the chair. “I just wanted to be honest.” Lifting my head, I watch as he pulls his shirt on and slowly walks past me to grab his cell phone and watch from the nightstand.

  “Don’t go, please?” I plead while standing back up and meeting him at the door. “Are you saying you want to be with me, or just that you want to, but you can’t?”

  He looks deep in thought over my question and stares directly into my eyes. “I need
some time, Alexis.” He shrugs his shoulder, and his expression is apologetic as he closes the door behind him.

  ***

  Ugh. I can’t concentrate on anything. He needs time? I think I dislike those words almost as much as I dislike the word ‘nice’.

  My classes went well today and the hype is beginning to build over the annual show. James was given a second chance to audition this afternoon, and although he’d asked the professor if I could partner with him, he said it wouldn’t be fair on either me, or the other students, which I can fully appreciate.

  Professor Hardy told us that he and the rest of the judging panel would be making their decision on which students they will want to call back this evening. The list will be posted first thing tomorrow morning, with the second auditions taking place on Wednesday.

  “Someone needs some ice cream,” Alyssa hands me a spoon as she comes to join me on the couch. “I’m guessing the face you’re wearing has something to do with Mr. Naked!”

  I swipe the spoon out of her hand and grab the overly large tub of ice cream from the coffee table. We ran out of the baked Alaska last weekend, so I guess the cookie dough will have to suffice.

  The guys are due home from band practice within the next hour, so Alyssa and I decided to make the most of girl time and catch up on what’s been going on in each other’s lives. We’ve spent the least amount of time together in the past week than we ever have before, and I think it’s about time we vent our thoughts and feelings with each other.

  We chat for a little while about how she and Seth have reached yet another crossroads in their relationship, and how she thinks it’s time they took another break. This would be their eighth now, if not their ninth.

  The topic of conversation then turns to me and Brandon. She lectures me again over the spiked drink, which I sit through without even trying to defend myself, and then I tell her about everything else that has happened, right up until this morning when he left.