What Doesn't Destroy Us

by M. N. Forgy

  “Bobby, take care of him.” She winks at him as she leaves the room. Maybe she does want him. He jumps out of his chair and runs after her. Pussy.

  I better go check on Dani, see how she is coping with all this shit.

  I look up and down the hall before entering the room. Dani is sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the stained floor, deep in thought. She's still wearing that black shirt that brought me to my fucking knees; God give me strength.

  “Got the bullet out. I’m going to live.” I say, trying to break the silence. I rub the blood off on my shirt and toss the bullet at her. It falls right in front of her, catching her attention.

  “This was in your arm?“ she asks, shocked as she picks it up off the floor. I nod at her question. “That’s fucking cool!” She eyes the bullet and then my arm.

  “You doing alright?” I ask, concerned. There have been hang-arounds and Ol' Ladies around the club for years who have seen less shit than Dani has in her short week with us.

  “Club life, baby. Right?” She quotes me, reminding me of the time we were on the beach. Her smart-ass mouth makes me want to spank her. She turns me on in the way she defies me. No other girl has ever had the balls to get remotely fresh with me. The pain barking from my arm snaps me from the image of me spanking Dani’s ass; seems the numbing shit is wearing off quickly. I need those pills and some Jack.

  “I gotta do a run tomorrow, someone else will be here to watch over you.” I lean against the door, trying to read her body language.

  “Oh goody, another babysitter,” she says coldly, sarcasm in her voice.

  “It’s not like that, you should know as well as anyone. It’s so you don’t get hurt.”

  “Hmm, really?” She bites the corner of her bottom lip and looks down at her hands.

  “Are you going to hurt me, Shadow?” She fiddles with her fingers, before looking up through those long, black lashes. Her emerald eyes pierce my fucked-up soul, as she looks at me. We aren’t talking about her physical safety anymore, that's apparent. She is talking about this magnetic force that keeps pulling us together, even when we try our hardest to defy it. Her and I together will never happen like she wants it to. If not because of who I am, because club life won't allow it. There is no white picket fence in our future, and her dad would kill me before I could prove that to her, anyway.

  It doesn’t stop me from wanting her, though. I can't tell her that I won't hurt her. Truth is, I don’t know that she won't hurt me, as pussy sounding as that is. Every time I'm around her, I can feel more of my wall of distrust crumble. It scares the shit out of me that I can let her in where nobody has been before. If she sees the beast I am, will she take flight? It’s what any normal person would do. But watching Dani in the last twenty-four hours, I'm starting to wonder just how normal she is.

  I break eye contact, ignoring her question.

  “Night, Dani.” I lock her door and go to a different room for the night; these pills are calling my name and I have a long ride tomorrow.

  The sun is screaming through the small, bare window. It takes me a second to realize I’m at the Club again. Shadow's manly scent lingers on the bed sheets; I roll over and inhale the pillow as hard and long as I can. On the ride back from the safe house last night I had become angry. I didn’t even know I was in danger from Shadow's mother, and then on top of that, I was still coming to terms with the fact that I don’t even know the woman I call a mother. I’m tired of not knowing anything; of everyone keeping secrets from me. I was less than thankful to Shadow when he came in before bed. I even threw him an off-the-wall question, which he ignored. He didn’t need to answer, we both know that us coming out on the other end of this whole is unlikely. Even so, after seeing the look of pure fear on his face when we were being shot at, I refuse to believe that he would intentionally hurt me.

  I lie in bed thinking about everything that has happened between Shadow and me. I’m so confused on what I want from him. Trying to stay away from him, like I swear I'm going to do, is breaking my heart as much as I know being with him will. When we're apart, all I can think about is how in sync our bodies are together, how he makes me feel, how attracted I am to him. He has to feel something, too, because he keeps coming back to me.

  I roll over and see my pink suitcase by the door. Shadow must have brought it in here while I was asleep. I look down at my position on the bed and see that I’m half naked and the sheet is tangled at my feet. I’m sure the pervert got an eyeful before he left. I get up and unzip the case, grabbing some distressed jeans and a green tank top. I sniff for cleanliness; they don’t smell dirty. I head to the shower.

  Everything is wet and warm when I climb into the stall. Shadow must have showered while I was asleep. Man, I must have been out of it. I wash my hair with his shampoo; the smell of him so strong I close my eyes and take it in. I imagine my fingers in his hair instead of mine, loving the way his hair curls and grooves around my fingers, it's so silky. My own long, curly wet locks are not doing the trick for me; they're not Shadow's black messy hair. I call defeat and shut the shower off. I grab the damp towel off the rack and start drying myself. My body tingles at the thought; everywhere the towel touches it has touched Shadow just moments before.

  I spot the counter and see toothpaste spit all over the sink, men are so gross. Seriously, he couldn’t wash the spit down? His red toothbrush is sitting right next to the sink. I grab it. I rub my finger across the grooves of the wet bristles, smelling of mint. My lips turn into an upward smirk as an outlandish thought forms. I squirt toothpaste onto his brush and start brushing my teeth with it, feeling naughty at the thought of secretly using someone else’s toothbrush; his toothbrush. I rinse the spit out of the sink, and put my clothes on. I finger brush my long dark hair, letting it fall at the peaks of my round breasts. I put my shoes on, put my phone in my pocket, and head out of the room.

  Walking down the hall, I can hear Bobby’s voice becoming clearer and louder as I get closer.

  “All I’m saying is you’re not yourself, when we get back you’re getting laid.” I walk around the corner and see Babs behind the bar and Bobby, Locks, and Shadow sitting in front of it, eating breakfast.

  “Hey there, babe, you hungry?” Babs spots me from around the corner. She has her red hair all poofed out in curls like in the 80’s. She's wearing a leopard print shirt that is really tight around her bust and tucked into a pair of black jeans that come halfway up her stomach. She wears it well, with her bright red hair and pale skin.

  My eyes lock with Shadow's intense, blue eyes and my body instantly becomes alive. My skin pricks with goose bumps as I feel him ogle me. He has on some clean blue jeans and a white t-shirt under his cut. His hair is all tousled on top, screaming for my fingers to tug on it. He is so rugged looking; he makes my mind scream.

  An old man with slicked-back, peppered hair and matching beard and mustache comes walking through the clubhouse door. His beard starts all the way up his cheeks and hangs well below his chin. I haven't seen him before. He stops and looks at Bobby, eyeing him with disdain.

  “Your eggs are the best. Locks is a lucky man to have you cook for him,” Bobby charms Babs.

  The old man that walked in starts to grumble as he makes his way to the kitchen.

  “What was that?” Bobby yells at the old man. The man stops and turns his head.

  “I said, fuckin' fruit cake!” the man bellows at him before he enters the kitchen.

  “Don’t man, you're gonna get your fuckin' arm broke again and we have a run to make. I’ll be damned if I have to make the run with that bastard.” Shadow eyes Bobby.

  Bobby drops his fork on his plate, making a loud clatter. “No. No.” Bobby says, shaking his head. “He didn’t break my arm, Shadow, he sprained it; there is a difference. And I told you, I had a sore throat for like a week before that happened. I clearly was not in my prime!” I can’t help the giggle that escapes my mouth at the thought of Bobby getting his ass handed to him by an old guy
.

  “You wanna go again? I’ll break that fucking arm this time, pretty boy,” the old man yells as he slams through the double doors of the kitchen.

  Bobby shakes his head and keeps eating his eggs, not even looking at the old man who is fast approaching him.

  “You couldn’t take it, old man.”

  The old man is behind Bobby now. He grabs his arm and twists it behind his back in a flash. For an old bird he sure is quick and strong. Bobby falls to the floor, knocking his stool over in the process. I look at Shadow, who is shaking his head and finishing up his eggs. I look at Babs and she's just rolling her eyes. I guess this is normal?

  “Say uncle or I’ll break it!” the old man gruffs under his mustache.

  “Break it off!” Bobby screams at him.

  Bull walks through the doors of the club with mail in his hands. He peeks up at the commotion only to roll his eyes, too. “Hawk, you break his arm you're taking his place on the run today.” He steps over Bobby’s body which is lying on the floor after the old man, Hawk, had let go.

  “You spoil these city boys. Back in the day we rode with a broken arm if that’s what we had coming to us.” Hawk points at Bobby on the floor, “damn fruit cake.”

  Bobby jumps up and starts swatting the dust off his pants. “Mean ol’ bastard. He clearly came up behind me taking me by surprise. You saw that right, Dani!” Bobby asks me. I just smile, not sure what to say. “If I hit the ol’ fucker I would kill him.” Bobby eyes everyone.

  “Well shit, boys, we better get,” Locks says as he kisses Babs on the cheek. “We should be back tomorrow night sometime, babe.”

  “How are you feeling today?” I ask Shadow, worried about his arm. He looks up from his plate after shoveling in the last bite of scrambled eggs.

  “Better, it will be fine. You sleep okay?” Shadow asks, his eyes staring intently into mine.

  “Let’s ride, Boys.” Locks exclaims as he busts out of the kitchen, placing dark sunglasses on his face.

  All the boys walk out of the club leaving their plates for Babs to clean up. Shadow turns and winks at me as he goes out the door making my face split with a smile out of this world and my cheeks turn as red as fire. I’m tired of fighting the feelings I have for him. If it wasn’t for my mother and dad, I would throw him down on the club floor and have my way with him. My heart and head are so muddled, I don't know which one to follow.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket and find the number he texted me with yesterday, wanting something to say to him before he leaves.

  “I used your toothbrush. – D”

  As soon as I hit send I slap myself in the forehead, baffled that that was the best I could come up with. I was hoping he would hear his phone go off before climbing onto his bike. I sit staring at the phone, waiting. I’m not sure what I expect him to say, I just want him to say something after the question I tossed at him last night, I don’t want to scare him away before I even have a chance to have him.

  “I don’t mind. – S”

  My heart instantly does a back-flip. My cheeks feel like they are going to split at the goofy grin I have on my face. He didn’t tell me he loved me; he didn’t tell me he wasn’t going to hurt me; but his simple text justifies that he thinks of me as more. I bet he doesn't let Candy use his toothbrush.

  “I know that smile; that’s love. Your man miss you back in New York, Babe?” I hadn't noticed Babs sitting on the other side of the counter, I was so intent at staring at my phone. How long had she been sitting there? She slides a plate of eggs over at me, and lights a cigarette.

  “Uh no, no, man. Just messing around on the net,” I lie. Shadow is the reason behind my giddy state, but nobody can know that.

  She throws her pack of cigarettes on the counter, and shakes her head.

  “I don’t much care for the internet, not my thing. I just have my cell phone to call Locks on, that’s about as high tech as I get.” She seems to really love Locks. I imagine you would have to really love someone that is in a club though.

  “Why do they call him Locks? Is he good at picking locks?” I ask, picking at my food.

  She laughs and takes a big drag off her cigarette. “Nah, that was a good one though. Fuckers call him Locks because of his long blond hair. You know, Goldilocks.” I spew O.J. all over the counter, imagining Locks as Goldilocks is not something that would normally come to mind.

  “They call me Babs because they say I talk a lot; assholes. Trust me, it’s not a name I would pick. I was thinking more of Red, 'cause of my red hair and I love the color. But you don’t get to pick your name around here,” she says, picking her bright red fingernails. They are so long I bet she could mess someone up if they crossed her.

  “Does everybody have a nickname?” I ask, trying to gain my composure from the O.J. I spewed everywhere.

  “Mostly. Some prospects don’t, but they will in time. Only person that doesn’t is Bobby, and that’s because 'Overgrown Child' is too long to put on his cut. I’m sure you will get one, you stay around here long enough.” She pauses, staring at me intently.

  “Are, ah, are you staying?” she asks hesitantly. I sit there thinking about her question, I'm not trying to be rude, but I honestly don’t know how to answer. Truth is, I don’t want to go back to New York, to the life I lived sitting in a house, studying and watching TV, because my mother thought if I was given the chance I would stray off the right path. Sadly, she is right. After seeing how the other half of me lives, it seems mundane to go back to New York. I want the Motorcycle Club world, at least what I have seen of it. Living on the edge is way more appealing to me than anything my mother could ever offer. Maybe that’s why I didn’t feel like I fit in, in New York. My blood knew I was born with more tenacity than what I was giving myself credit for, and to finally be around what I was bred to do seems fitting rather than immoral. I hadn't even been shocked last night when Bull said they were going to kill the fuckers who had shot at us.

  “Well, I know we all would love it if you stayed. I’m sure we could get you a little apartment or something; get you all set up. You think on that, doll.” She grabs my plate of half-eaten eggs and strides into the kitchen, leaving me with thoughts of actually having a life here in L.A. and getting away from my mother. Maybe I can start my life over doing what I really want to do and not worry about what my mother would do to disown me.

  I look around the club, noticing only a couple of guys are left. Prospects from what their cuts say. Where are all the Ol’ Ladys? Every time I'm here all I see is Babs.

  Babs walks out of the kitchen holding a cup and eyeing me as I look around the club. “You looking for someone?” she asks over the rim.

  “I just noticed I never see any Ol’ Ladies here but you. Are all the guys single, or something?” I ask, seeing how most of these guys are brutes, that wouldn’t be an unfair assumption.

  “Nah,” Babs says chewing on ice. “There are a couple Ol’ Ladies, but they’re not allowed here unless a family gathering is going on. Club Law.” She raises her eyebrows as she says club law.

  “I’m here because Bull favors me. I clean up all the shit around here and do what needs to be done. Could have one of the skanks do it, but they don’t do it near as well,” she says, putting glasses under the bar.

  “Oh,” is all I can muster.

  “and… I can make sure Locks keeps his dick in his pants,” she says slamming the cabinet door, “Win, win for everyone.” She walks back in the kitchen, leaving me a little shocked. Locks cheated? Why would she stay with him? Do all the guys cheat behind their Ol’ Ladies backs? The more I hear about being an Ol’ Lady, the more I don’t want it.

  I need to go check on my mother and make up a lie about leaving the safe house. Last night I could tell my dad did not want my mother to know about the drive-by, and neither did I. She would just make everyone’s life hell, and she would be on top of me more than ever.

  I knock on the door of the room my mother is staying in; I can hear her g
rumbling as she stomps over to the door.

  “What!” she snaps, as she flings the door open. She looks like shit and that is putting it nicely.

  “What are you doing here?” she asks, shocked to see me.

  “There was a huge leak at the safe house; flooded the whole damn place,” I lie. It was the only thing I could think up. I stare down at my feet avoiding eye contact, my mother has always caught me when I've lied before, but I’m hoping her hangover wins over her asking me questions.

  “So we‘re staying here?” She unsteadily walks back to her bed and climbs under the blankets.

  “Yeah, for now, anyway.”

  “Good, I want to be here.” My eyebrows shoot to my hairline in surprise. Why in the hell would she want to be here instead of the safe house? One thing is for sure; my mother is high maintenance and the club is anything but fancy and classy. That may be why I love it, I am pleased by simple rather than extravagant, but my mother is a different story. And after the phone call last night and my mother’s random behavior, I can't help but wonder what she’s up to. I’m going to be beyond pissed if she’s trying to patch things up with Stevin behind my back, especially after he tried to kill her... or so she says, anyway. Before I can ask she is falling back asleep.

  Walking back to my room I see Candy coming down the hall to one of the guest bathrooms. She has on a white dress that is way too tight and very short, and her nipples are poking through the top. She is clearly not wearing a bra. I try to get over to my side of the hall as far as I can, if herpes can jump, they'll be throwing themselves off of her.

  “Well, well, look what the dog dragged in,” she spits at me as she walks by. Her neck nearly snaps as she watches me. If I stop to argue with her, I will drop her ass to the ground. I can't stand her, and after learning who her mother is, I want to beat her ass that much more.

  -------------------------------------

  My days are passing slowly and boredom is knocking loudly while Shadow is gone. I spent a lot of the first day talking to Babs. I can see why they call her that. She talks about everything from her dog to her arthritis, but she is, at least, someone to talk to. And Candy doesn't even look my way when I am around Babs; in fact, she avoids us like the plague. Babs gives Candy the most malicious glares when she walks by. There is definitely some tension between the two. I can't help but wonder if Candy slept with Locks.