Margins and Murmurations

by Otter Lieffe

  The grey-haired woman looked like she wanted to say something. It's coming, I know it is—

  “—We'll need to discuss it, of course,” she began, emotion catching in her throat. “But maybe, if you'd like to, you could come with us back to the City?”

  There was a murmur of agreement around the group.

  “We could help you find your dear Tom again.”

  “Thank you,” said Gus, his eyes watering on cue. “That would be so wonderful.”

  * * *

  Breathless, Danny arrived home. Ash and Pinar sat on his bed with expressions of total boredom on their faces.

  “Sorry it took me so long. I had a client who just took ages,” he said, unlacing his sneakers. “I think he really believes I’m his boyfriend or something…Anyway, look!” He pointed at his bag with his chin. “I brought Nutrition Snacks! I'll just shower, and then we can leave if you like?”

  “Sounds good, Danny,” Pinar yawned and stretched. “Thanks again for letting us stay.”

  “Any time. It's always nice to have guests.”

  Danny went into the bathroom, stripped and climbed into the shower. In truth, he knew they weren't just any guests. He had learned about A and P and the Femme Riots as a kid—They were heroines to him and he had recognised them immediately although no-one had heard word from them since the Purges. Danny was even a bit star-struck, but he kept his mouth shut.

  I don't want to embarrass them, but I can't wait to tell Kit that they slept in my bed—She's going to be so jealous!

  * * *

  After Gus had told his story and the shoal had tidied up their camp in the forest, they met briefly to discuss their new travelling companion. The decision was unanimous and took only a few minutes. Olly came over to deliver the good news.

  “It's decided—you can come with us, Gus!”

  Gus smiled his warmest smile and even managed to squeeze out another tear of joy.

  Chapter fifty-seven

  Kit opened her eyes slowly. The afternoon light flickering through the curtains was soft and warm. Nathalie's long arms were still wrapped around her. For the first time in a very long time, she had opened herself up, really relaxed in front of another person and she felt safer than she could ever remember.

  She rolled over to kiss her lover. Nathalie was awake and had a peculiar look in her eyes. Something strangely like boredom.

  “What a wonderful sleep,” Kit smiled and stretched.

  “Yeah you seemed to enjoy it.”

  “You didn't sleep?”

  “I didn't sleep.”

  “Everything okay?

  “Everything's perfect.”

  “So kiss me.”

  They kissed and lay for a while, Kit running her fingers over Nathalie's pale skin. The warm afternoon had made them both sweat at the points where they touched.

  Like we're melting into each other, thought Kit.

  It’s a bit disgusting, thought Nathalie.

  Nathalie still had a distant look in her eyes and through the fog of sleepiness and love, Kit began to sense that something wasn't right. Their connection, their chemistry had gone cold. She shivered.

  “Nathalie, sweetie, are you sure you're okay?” Kit said, stroking her curly hair gently. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, you were perfect. Aren't you always perfect?”

  “Erm…I don't really know wh—”

  “Perfect Kit, with her perfect body.”

  “I'm not—” Kit felt nauseous and confused. Where's all this coming from? “What happened?”

  “Nothing happened, that's the problem. Where were the slaps and the scratches and the bites? I still have bruises from the park and now all I get is soft kisses on my belly.” She spat the words out like they disgusted her.

  “But I thought you lik—”

  “Of course I like it. But I don't want to like it. I want you to hurt me.”

  “Sorry, I really don—”

  “Hit me.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Hit me. Slap me. Tell me what a fucking bitch I am. Right now. You owe me, Kit. You got what you wanted, now I should get what I want. After everything I’ve done for you.”

  Nathalie stood up. She looked angrier than Kit had ever seen her. She was dressed in seconds and opened the door.

  “Fuck you then, Kit. Fuck you.”

  She slammed the door on the way out as hard as she could.

  * * *

  Ash, Pinar, and Danny were ready to leave for the park and Danny was filling a water bottle from the kitchen tap.

  “Do you ladies need to use the bathroom before we leave?” he asked. “It's a long walk.”

  Pinar shook her head and Ash declared simply: “I don't pee.”

  Danny gave her a quizzical look.

  “I'm a trans woman dear,” she explained. “I went decades without having public bathroom access. The women's was rarely an option. The men's? God, no. For a while it was even illegal in some places for me to pee in public spaces at all. So I don't pee. Or at least not often.”

  “But where does it all…?” Danny began. “Actually, sorry, ignore me. Let's go?”

  Ash smiled. “Let's.”

  They left the apartment building discreetly and taking a small road out of the centre, they began the journey to Dignity Park.

  Pinar suggested taking the tunnels, but Danny barely used them and wasn't good at navigating in the dark. Secretly, Ash was relieved.

  I'd rather face State troopers in the street then be back down in that dark, concrete hell. Besides, I look masculine enough in my jeans and in this summer heat, Pinar's dark skin can almost pass for a tan. And Danny's protected…My God, how did we ever get to the point where we have to think about these things?

  For Danny, who only ever cycled around town, it was a long walk. He could dance for five hours straight, but walking took different muscles and he just wasn't used to it. With that and the heat, his back was soon wet with sweat.

  “Pff, I can barely keep up with you two!” he half-joked, breathlessly. “You're making me feel old.”

  “Well, back home we live a ways from each other so we've gotten used to walking long distances,” said Pinar, looking at Ash who seemed quiet but much happier to be under the sky and moving again.

  “Ah, I assumed you lived together. Aren't you, I mean, aren't you a couple?”

  “You're not the first to make that mistake.”

  “Sorry…”

  “No need to be, I take it as a compliment.” Pinar smiled. “We're probably closer than most couples anyhow.” She caught Ash's eye and she smiled back. “And you, Danny, anyone special in your life?”

  “Who has time? My work keeps me super busy and after all that…erm…meaningless sex or whatever—I have no energy to meet anyone. Also, honestly, there's really just not many of us…vergents…left here.” He whispered the word unconsciously although there was absolutely no one in the street. “Well, most of my clients probably are, but it's kind of an open secret.”

  They paused for a moment in the cool shade of an old lime tree to pass round some stale water from a bottle. Although it was late afternoon, the air was still hot and Danny gulped the water down.

  “I used to turn tricks from time to time back in the day,” Pinar said as she took the bottle from Danny and put it back in her pack.

  They started walking again and, intrigued, Danny waited for her to continue.

  I should probably be surprised to hear someone twice my age telling me she used to 'turn tricks' but these days basically everyone I know is a sex worker. I guess I've kind of come to expect it.

  “It was useful for a while,” Pinar continued finally. “At some point it got too much. Mostly the clients were just too much—and I needed to get out after a few years. Economically, things were already difficult back then so I didn't have too many options.” She paused. “In the end it became difficult.”

  �
��I get that,” Danny said, “It definitely can be.”

  “But somehow I miss it from time to time as well. I had some good fun.”

  Ash listened intently while Pinar talked. They rarely spoke about those days in the City from before they had met. Pinar had left sex work in a pretty bad way and when they met a few years afterwards, she still refused to talk about that time, or why she had left the industry. Ash was surprised to hear that she might miss it.

  I guess there are some things sex workers can only share with other sex workers. Even after all these years, I still have so much to learn about her.

  * * *

  The air was warm and G dozed against a tree as the others busied themselves in the camp.

  “Gus, are you feeling any better?” asked the grey haired woman.

  After water and rest, he was actually feeling much better, but he didn't particularly feel like talking.

  “A little…” he said, weakly. “Thank you for asking.”

  “My name's Sue by the way, I didn't get chance to introduce myself before.”

  “Nice to meet you, Sue.”

  “Likewise.” She smiled and looked like she was going to bend over and give him cheek kisses as the norm always was after exchanging names, but she thought better of it and sat a few metres from him instead.

  “Sorry,” he said, looking down at his filthy clothes. “I kind of stink.”

  “No problem,” she replied kindly. “Would you like to me to take your shirt down to the creek and rinse it for you?”

  “That would be wonderful, Sue. Thank you!”

  He stripped out of his disgusting trousers. He noticed that even after weeks in prison, his military trained body still looked great—if anything he thought he looked even better having lost a few pounds. He took off his shirt as seductively as he could and handed it to the old woman and he saw her eyes light up.

  My abs have always been impressive. I can't blame her for taking a little look.

  She smiled politely and left to clean Gus' shit-stained prison clothes in the creek.

  One day, he thought to himself leaning back against the tree, one day and I already have these idiots washing my clothes and eating out of my hand.

  * * *

  A patrol passed by. At least a hundred uniformed men moved northwards on the other side of the street. Although the troopers were heading in the other direction to them, Ash and Pinar tensed as they continued walking. The troopers were armed to the teeth and Ash didn't want to think about where they were headed, which prison riot they had been ordered to suppress.

  Pinar and Danny were chatting and signing very visibly about something inane.

  All our disguises, Ash thought to herself. If the troopers only knew who we really are, we'd be heading to a State lock up by now or facing a firing squad.

  Ash tried to join in the fake conversation but as usual, the masculine pronouns were clumsy and inauthentic in her hands. She gave up and focused on walking instead. After five minutes the troopers were gone, and they fell back into their usual rhythm—Pinar and Danny chatting like they'd known each other for years and Ash listening in, soothed by their voices.

  * * *

  Sue returned an hour later and brought Gus' clothes back to him. They were clean, dry and warm. She must have hung them out in the sun for a while.

  As he put the shirt back on and she watched him expectantly, Gus managed to fake a smile for her.

  Well, he thought to himself, the smell of dried shit and prison has been replaced by the stink of stagnant river water which isn't a whole lot better. Good try anyway, Sue.

  “Thank you,” he said. Sue smiled.

  Gus joined the shoal, who were sitting in a circle as they often did, and helped himself to a bottle of well-water. He drank nearly a third of the bottle in one go.

  It tastes like dirt. They must have carried these bottles from one of the resistance wells.

  It was, what, two or three weeks ago that I was ordering the destruction of those very same wells? And punishing the grunts for their failure.

  Today as he drank thirstily from the well water carried many miles by his new travel companions, Gus found himself strangely grateful for that failure.

  * * *

  Still walking, Ash, Pinar, and their new friend had left the city centre and were passing through abandoned suburban neighbourhoods.

  Once in a while they passed signs of destruction—smashed windows, burned cars—and Ash noticed that it looked a lot like the post-apocalyptic movies she used to make fun of. But mostly the neighbourhood was clean and calm as if everyone had just gone on holiday for a while and any day now would be back to mow their lawns and walk their dogs. Ash knew that the truth was much more sinister than that.

  These people are never coming home. We divergents ran this city, we were its greatest attraction. And this is what we left behind.

  Pinar and Danny were still chatting about sex work as they walked through the surreal landscape.

  “And how is it for you?” she asked him. “If you don't mind talking about work on your evening off, of course.”

  Danny smiled. “Honestly, it's nice to talk about it. I rarely get the chance. These days, I'm either working, in which case—obviously—I pretend I'm having the time of my life, or I'm in meetings representing the collective. Either way there's never time to talk about how it really is. Or whether I like it or not.”

  “And do you? Like it, I mean?”

  “I'm not sure. It really depends. It's work, you know?” Danny had a distant look. “Obviously I get protection from having clients so high up—which is more important than ever these days. I probably wouldn't even be here without that.” He took a Nutrition bar out of his backpack, took a bite and passed it on. “It also means that most of them are privileged sleazeballs, to be honest. And the constant lying is exhausting as I'm sure you remember—”

  “Vividly.”

  “Yeah,” Danny walked on thoughtfully for a moment. “I'm the king of compartmentalising my life, but I also hate that sometimes. I mostly hate my clients too. The worst are the ones who try to 'save' me from myself. Or from my job.”

  “In what way?”

  “I don't know, it's stupid. It's like they find my job so demeaning and dirty that they need to save me from it, but you know, they're also employing me—They are my job so it makes no sense at all.” He paused and fiddled with his fingers for a moment. “Sometimes the money just isn't enough to listen to all that bullshit.”

  “Totally.”

  “It's messed up. But not all the time. From time to time there's something like affection. Some of them are sweet to me.”

  “All work is complicated,” said Pinar.

  “Exactly. I love to dance though so all in all I'm doing okay.”

  “Good to hear it.”

  Danny held up the empty water bottle.

  “Hey, we're all out of water. And we still have a way to go. If you like, we can stop off at one of the feminist squats in the neighbourhood. My friend told me about one that shouldn't be too far out of our way.”

  “Cool, let's do it,” agreed Pinar. “I definitely wouldn't mind a short rest.”

  * * *

  They arrived five minutes later at the squat. Danny had the address written down but it was very easy to spot—It was the only building in the block that wasn't covered in anti-State graffiti. The door was grand and oversized—it was probably a Post Office or something back in the day.

  “This must be the place,” said Ash. “If they really wanted to keep it a secret though, they should probably put up a few tags.”

  Danny knocked on the door. They heard someone arrive on the other side who whispered the first half of the pass-phrase and Danny completed it. The door opened and revealed a white woman dressed all in black standing just in the shadows.

  “Hi, my name's Danny. I work with M, erm. Maria, I think her name is, at the State bar in town? She told m
e about this place. Could we come in for a drink? We've been walking a long way.”

  The woman at the door looked straight past Danny as if he wasn't there.

  “You can come in,” she said to Pinar. “But this is a women's-only space. You boys will have to wait outside.”

  “Boys?” said Pinar, her temper rising. She gestured towards Ash. “Can't you see my friend is a woman? What's wrong with you?”

  Ash for her part, was surprisingly calm. She held Pinar's hand and said “It's okay, hon. It's fine.”

  “It's not fine!” shouted Danny. “This is A, Ash, from the frikking Femme Riots. If she isn't enough of a woman for your space, who the hell is?”

  The squatter had nothing to say and retreated back into the building, closing the massive door and locking it loudly.

  “What the hell?” Danny clenched his fists in frustration and looked like he might start punching the wall in front of him. He turned to Ash. “I’m so sorry about that. I mean, I don't mind waiting outside, but you, Ash? I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that would happen.”

  “It's fine,” repeated Ash with a tone of defeat. “Let's just go.”

  “Nothing about this is fine,” said Danny. “Uff. We have another hour or so to walk. Will you be okay?”

  “Let’s go.” Ash started walking.

  Pinar was too angry to speak. But this wasn't the first time she and Ash had been torn apart by their bodies and she knew, as well as she knew anything in life, that it wouldn't be the last.

  An hour later, the City seemed to stop suddenly at the horizon, dropping off into nothingness. Ash stared at the effect in confusion for a moment.

  “The sea!” said Pinar. “We're here.”

  Chapter fifty-eight

  Gus was strong enough to walk again, so the shoal broke camp and headed out in the direction of the City. He mumbled and swore to himself as he trailed along behind the others, tripping over branches and rocks.