by Jean Carroll
Just then Blackie came in the kitchen door and slammed it hard behind him. Jill looked at Keary with raised eyebrows and he frowned.
“We’re all back in the TV room, honey,” Jill called out. No answer. They could hear him rooting in the fridge, moving bottles around almost hard enough to break.
“Isn’t there any fucking goddamn food in here?” Blackie yelled.
“Uh, oh, that doesn’t sound good,” Sean said.
“There should be some cold chicken.” Jill yelled.
“Cookies. I want some damn cookies.” Blackie yelled again. More banging in the fridge. Something got thrown into the sink and broke.
“Bollocks!”
Jill went to get up but Keary stopped her.
“I want you to stay away from him.”
“What do you mean? He wouldn’t hurt me! What’s wrong with you?” Jill said.
“Jill, you’re pregnant and he sounds like he’s been drinking and in a mean mood. I don’t know what he’d do.”
“Where the fuck are the goddamn fecking cookies?” More glass breaking.
“Sean, would you go see if he’s been drinking and what’s going on?” Keary asked.
“Oh, just grand,” Sean said, sighed and got up. He walked out to the kitchen and Blackie was standing there, beer in hand, staring into the refrigerator. Sean came up beside him and put an arm on his shoulder.
“Hey, buddy, what’s up?” Blackie just stared into the open fridge.
“Blackie?” Sean said.
“Huh?” Blackie looked at him and Sean instantly knew what was going on.
“How’s Meg?”
“She’s fucked up. She wouldn’t let me stay with her,” Blackie said staring back into the fridge.
“How long ago did you leave her?” Sean asked. He noticed Blackie’s knuckles were cut up, like he’d been in a fight.
“I don’t know, maybe ten o’clock. I don’t remember. Hey, where are the cookies in this house?”
“I don’t know but they sure aren’t kept in the fridge,” Sean said. “Hey, when you find your cookies bring them back to the TV room; we’re watching a movie.”
“Okay,” Blackie said and started going through the cupboards, throwing things on the floor when they got in his way. Sean went back to the TV room.
“What’s he doing now?” Keary asked.
“He’s still hunting for the cookies,” Sean said.
“Why didn’t you help him find the damn cookies so he doesn’t tear the whole kitchen apart?” Keary said, throwing his hands in the air.
“You go help him find them. I’m staying in here where it’s relatively safe,” Sean said, matter of factly.
“Is he drunk?” Keary asked.
“Nope.”
“Then what?”Keary exclaimed.
“He’s high,” Sean said, “very high.”
“What do you mean; I thought you said he wasn’t drinking?”
“Keary, drugs.”
Jill sucked her breath in, “Oh, no.”
“What’s he like when he’s high?” Keary asked.
“Unpredictable,” Sean said. “He’s very upset about Meg.”
“What do you think he took?” Keary asked.
“I’m not sure. Some kind of downer, maybe Vike and mixed with alcohol most likely.”
“Vike. What’s that?” Jill said alarmed.
“Vicodin or something like it. Jill, he’s been in rehab before; so I thought you knew all of this,” Sean said.
“I guess I did. I guess I put it out of my mind. It’s too hard to think about. Isn’t that a pain killer?”
“It is, yes and you know he abused them along with alcohol and coke.” Sean replied.
“I don’t want him bringing drugs into this house. I mean we’re going to have children here soon. God, what a mess!” More slamming came from the kitchen.
“Shit!”
“Where did he get it that fast? Do you think he keeps it in his apartment?” Keary asked.
“Well, he left Meg around ten o’clock so he’s been somewhere for over three hours,” Sean said.
“I mean it Jill, stay away from him, please!” Keary said, tight-lipped.
“Okay,” Jill said quietly.
“You, too,” Sean said to Katie.
“I usually do.”
Sean looked at her funny and said, Why, are you afraid of him?”
“No, I wouldn’t say that. I mean he’s nice and I like him a lot. He’s sweet with Meg. It’s just something like untamed, like there’s this kinetic energy under the surface that could explode any minute. That night at the club; when he went after that guy that was bothering Meg. That scared me, big time.”
“I hate that everyone thinks he’s such a bad person,” Jill said tearfully.
“Nobody thinks that he’s a bad person, Jill, uh ...” Just then Blackie walked into the TV room with a bag of chocolate chip cookies and a beer.
“Hey, hey, hey, I found the cookies,” he said in a perfect imitation of Fat Albert. He sat down between Sean and Keary, putting his beer on the coffee table and digging into the cookies. He wolfed down about six cookies and then took a long pull on the beer.
“These are awesome cookies.” Blackie said.
“They go good with beer?” Keary asked.
“They go best with beer,” he said and glanced at Keary. Keary was startled to see that his pupils were so dilated, his eyes looked black.
“How’s Meg?” Jill asked.
“How’s Meg? That’s a good question,” he said and stopped, a cookie halfway to his mouth and stared at the TV, as if he was in a trance. Sean touched his arm and repeated the question.
“How’s Meg, Blackie?”
“Meg? She’s probably all cozy in bed by herself. She’s probably got her shot and is sound asleep,” he said sarcastically.
“Did you guys have a fight?” Keary asked him.
“Noooo, I wasn’t going to fight with her. She made me leave. She said I needed sleep. I don’t want to sleep,” he yelled and slammed the bottle down and beer went everywhere. “She wouldn’t let me stay. I needed to stay with her; I needed to watch over her tonight. What if she woke up and she was sad. I could have been there. No, she made me leave; she said I needed to rest. I need to do something; but it’s not rest. I don’t know what to do. I just needed to be there tonight, but what could I do. I’m fucking useless.”
“Blackie, you’re not useless; you can do plenty for her. She needs you very much. She was probably worried that you were so tired.” Jill said but he was staring at the TV again.
“Where’d you go after you left Meg?” Keary asked.
“I stopped at a bar and had a beer,” Blackie said eating more cookies and washing them down with beer.
“Is that all you had was a beer?” Keary demanded. Jill made a face at him.
“No, that’s not all. I scored some shit, too. Is there anything else you’d like to know and
don’t go calling Wahlman either. I won’t use after this. I just needed to get through tonight and tomorrow. So leave me the fuck alone.”
“What the hell were you thinking?”
“That’s just it. I don’t want to think or feel. Right now I have achieved a perfect state of numb and that’s how I plan to stay until Meg is better.”
“You can’t help Meg if you’re high.”
“I can’t help her if I’m an emotional wreck so just stop, please stop!”
Jill jumped up and went over and squeezed in between Sean and Blackie.
“Jill!” Keary yelped.
“Shut up. I know what I’m doing.” She put her arm around Blackie and stroked the back of his head.
“It’s okay honey. We understand. We’ll help you get through this,” she crooned soothingly.
“Watch this, she’s going to put him to sleep,” Sean whispered to Katie.
“What!”
“Shhh–just watch.”
Jill rubbed Blackie’s back and shoulders, ta
lking to him in Gaelic with a low voice until he relaxed and leaned back against the sofa. Finally, he let his head drop over onto her shoulder. She continued talking to him and hugged him to her, still lightly rubbing his face. He closed his eyes and started breathing slower.
“Ohmigod, she just hypnotized him,” Katie said. Everyone stared at her and then looked at Blackie.
“She’s right. I’ve seen Mom do that to him a thousand times and never thought about it,” Sean said. “He was always hyper as a kid and Mom did that to calm him down and get him to sleep.”
“I never thought about it either. I’ve seen Jill do it the last few years that he’s been here with us and it never dawned on me,” Keary said.
Jill motioned for him to help her. She moved away from Blackie and let him lay down on the sofa, putting a pillow under his head. Keary put his feet up and covered him up with an afghan.
“Will he stay asleep?” Katie whispered.
“Most likely,” Jill said. “I know he’s exhausted. We need to get some sleep too.”
“Yeah, with that crap in his system, he’ll be out for days,” Keary said, disgustedly. “I suppose we’ll go get Meg in the morning.”
“I don’t know, he might surprise you,” Sean said. Everyone said goodnight and they went to bed.
THIRTY-THREE
The next morning everyone had gathered in the kitchen to eat breakfast and discuss the day. It was around six-thirty, a second pot of coffee brewing, when Blackie padded down the hall. Everyone looked up in surprise and said good morning.
Blackie sort of grunted and said, “Coffee” like he was saying “help.” He poured a cup and sat down at the table with the others.
“I didn’t expect to see you this morning,” Keary said.
“Why not?” Blackie asked gruffly, sipping his coffee.
“I thought with the drugs, you’d be out for awhile,” Keary said.
“You thought wrong, Keary, it doesn’t work like that,” Blackie said with an edge to his voice. “Anyway, I have to pick Meg up today.”
“Are you still high; your eyes are still dilated?” Keary said. “You’re not going to drive like that.”
“Keary, stop,” Jill said giving him a look.
“Yes, I’m still high and I can drive just fine. I don’t have any drugs on me, so I won’t get picked up.” Blackie said sarcastically.
“Yes, but you’re going to have Meg in the car with you.”
“So you don’t care if I kill myself, you’re just worried about Meg.”
“Both of you stop it!” Jill yelled.
“You know better than that, Blackie, for chrissake. I’m worried about both of you. How about if we take the SUV and then you can sit in the back and take care of Meg.” Keary suggested.
Blackie thought a minute and then said, “Okay, I have to go get cleaned up. I’ll be back when I’m ready.”
“Don’t you want something to eat?” Jill asked.
“No, I’ll eat later,” Blackie said and left for the barn.
“Jill and I will go with him to get Meg. What are you and Katie doing today?” Keary asked Sean.
“I have horses to get ready and loaded for the track. So I’m busy all day. I don’t know what Katie had in mind,” Sean said.
“I was going to work on wedding stuff, but I’d like to go with you guys to get Meg. Do you think Blackie will mind?” Katie said.
“No, I don’t think he’ll mind,” Jill told her.
“Okay, well let’s get moving because he’ll be back up here in about twenty minutes and will want to leave.” Keary said. “If we’re not ready he’ll take the Porsche. I’m surprised he agreed to let us take him.”
“Me, too,” Jill said.
* * *
In twenty minutes everyone had piled into the SUV and were outside the barn waiting for Blackie. In five more minutes, he walked out wearing a black suit that was beautifully tailored to fit him of soft, silky material. The shirt was white and opened at the neck. He had on black leather boots and dark sunglasses. Keary whistled when he came out of the barn and walked toward the car.
“Wow, look at Mr. GQ. One thing I have to say for him, he cleans up grand.”
“He has great taste in clothes. That suit looks like it cost a fortune,” Katie said.
“It probably did.” Jill said.
Blackie opened the door and got in next to Keary and said, “Let’s go.” They drove for about ten minutes, when Blackie said, “Oh, shit!”
“What’s wrong?” Keary asked.
“I forgot my checkbook. Can we stop at the bank? It’s at the next intersection.”
“Sure, but do you need money?”
“I’m not sure. I didn’t get an insurance card from Meg. I signed her in and they asked who was responsible and I said I was.”
“Okay,” Keary said and pulled into the bank. Blackie got out and walked in.
“I’m not being disloyal to Sean or anything but I’ve never seen a man as good looking as Blackie. He’s very striking. He doesn’t seem arrogant though,” Katie said.
“No, he isn’t. He doesn’t think he’s anyone special,” Jill said.
“I think Sean is good looking and really hot, but Blackie’s like perfect.”
Just then he came out of the bank and walked toward the car. Behind him, the women who worked there came out and were watching him walk to the car. Keary and Jill started laughing.
“See, he has no idea those women are looking.”
Blackie got in the car and Keary said, “Why don’t you wave to your admirers?”
“What?” Blackie said and Keary nodded to the women, Blackie glanced at them and back at Keary.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Never mind,” Keary said starting the car. “How much money did you get?”
“Uh ... five thousand.” Blackie said.
“Five thousand!” Why so much?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know what shit costs. I know what a good horse costs, what entry fee’s cost, vet fees, but nothing practical. I’m fucking useless!”
“Honey, stop saying that,” Jill said.
“What’s a dead baby cost? What’s it cost to have your woman’s insides scraped out?” he said and his voice cracked. He just looked out the window. Keary reached over and squeezed his hand. Blackie looked at him and turned back to the window, his jaw muscles working.
“What the hell would I do without you guys?” Blackie said. “You’re always there for me. I’m never there for you.” he said sighing.
“Of course you are, honey,” Jill said
“No, I’m not. Maybe someday I will be.”
“Don’t worry about it; we know if we need you, you’ll be there. We just haven’t needed any help lately,” Keary told him.
“Thanks, Keary,” Blackie said. “I just hope I can take care of Meg.”
“You can do this, honey,” Jill said. “We’ll try and stay out of it and leave you two alone. Meg will tell you what she needs and you’ll be there for her. You two are going to be fine.”
“I hope so,” he said.
“Not to change the subject, but what’s this about Ken wanting you to go into politics?” Keary asked.
“For chrissake, isn’t that ridiculous? Have you ever heard of a more fucking stupid idea?” Blackie said and laughed.
“Why? I think it’s a great idea,” Keary said smiling at him.
“Are you out of your mind? Me! In politics; come on, Keary.”
“No, he’s right. You’d be great. You know how adamant you are about things when you know it’s the right thing to do. Ireland certainly could use some fresh ideas.” Jill said.
“I think you’d be awesome,” Katie said. Blackie turned and stared at her for a moment.
“Where did you come up with that opinion?” he asked her. The intensity of his gaze made her stomach clench but she stammered a reply anyway.
“I was there when those guys were talking about the ch
ild care issue. I mean you were right about how stupid that is and you argued your point perfectly. You have a lot of intensity and charisma which I think would be good in public office.”
Blackie stared at her for another minute and she felt like squirming in her seat.
“Charisma? That is funny,” he said smiling.
“But she’s right, Blackie. I’ve never won an argument with you. I think you have a lot of integrity that couldn’t be corrupted like most of those jerks in Dublin,” Keary said.
“Oh, right, look how I let myself be corrupted when I was racing,” Blackie said.
“That was different. You’re older and you’re going to be settling down with Meg. What are they going to corrupt you with? Women? That’s highly unlikely? Money wouldn’t do it, you’re already wealthy. Drugs and alcohol, maybe, but you’re getting that under control, I hope. It’s just not the same situation. You never cheated on a race, don’t forget.”
“Well, it’s just so far out of my train of thinking. I’m trying to work on getting the dressage thing going. I don’t know. I’ll give it some thought,” Blackie said.
* * *
Meg had finished breakfast and was watching TV, waiting for Blackie to come and take her home.
In a few minutes, he walked into her room. Her heart did a flip-flop like it always did when she saw him. She could never quite believe what a fairy tale she was living; that he was hers and he loved her.
He went to her and folded her in his arms.
Now she instantly felt safe and at home. She hugged him back and turning her face up, got the kiss she wanted.
“Hi, sweetheart, how are you doing?”
“I’m wonderful now that you’re here. I really missed you last night. I couldn’t wait until you got here,” she told him, her eyes filling with tears.
He knelt down next to her, saying, “Shh, honey, it’s okay. I’m here now. I missed you too last night. I had a bad night. Why didn’t you let me stay?”
“Blackie, I was in terrible pain last night. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d get upset. I could hardly lie still until the nurse gave me a shot and then I was out like a light.” Now his eyes filled with tears.
“God, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were hurting that much. I can’t stand it when you’re hurt.”