Close to Her Heart

by C. J. Carmichael

  Next she added her travel toiletry bag. For sleeping she packed the humungous T-shirt she’d bought at the Copper Mountain Rodeo last fall—never guessing at the time that within the year she’d fill every inch of the voluminous garment.

  Done.

  She closed the suitcase and set it next to the book bag crammed with her reading material for the holidays. A motley collection of professional journals and beach reads, with a few literary classics thrown in for good measure. She’d always meant to read Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner. Maybe this year she’d actually do it.

  Tenderly, she ministered to her plants, hoping Mr. Boswell wouldn’t overwater them when he came in to check on them next week.

  Finally, it was time to sleep. Eliot had warned them he wanted to make an early start the next day. Dani crawled under the covers, taking her phone with her. She stared at the notifications, wishing one would pop up from Adrian.

  Of course, she could be the one to reach out. Give him a call or send him a message. But what if he gave her the cold shoulder? Worse, mentioned something about his lawyer again.

  No. She’d be smarter to wait. Let him make the next move.

  She was setting her alarm for the next morning when a text message popped on the screen.

  “All packed?”

  She felt a leveling of emotions when she saw it was only Eliot. “You bet.”

  “See you at eight. We’ll stop for coffee and muffins on the road.”

  Dani smiled. Despite her worries about the future, even despite missing Adrian, she was looking forward to this trip.

  *

  “God, Miriam. We’re just going to the beach. How can you possibly need this much stuff?” Despite the complaint, Eliot tossed both of her vintage-inspired, Kate Spade suitcases into the back of his SUV, along with Dani’s utilitarian black bag and his own leather duffel.

  “Careful! You’re worse than the airline baggage handlers.” Miriam used a tissue to wipe a smudge from the side of one of the cases.

  Dani had to admit the luggage set—which she’d watched Miriam order on-line—was a thing of beauty. The bags were white with brown leather detailing and bright yellow handles. No less a thing of beauty was Miriam herself, in a black and white striped mini-dress that fit her petite figure like a second skin. Her dark hair was pulled back with a gold hair clip and her Tom Ford sunglasses made her look like a movie star.

  Next to her friend, Dani felt like a cow. “I’ll sit in the back.”

  “You’ll have more room in the front,” Eliot said. He also looked fashionable, yet masculine, in a pair of plaid shorts, light green golf shirt and dock shoes. His six-foot-two inch body, tanned and muscular, didn’t hurt.

  “I’ll be fine,” Dani insisted, climbing up to the seat and trying to make herself comfortable without flopping around like a seal.

  As promised, Eliot stopped at a coffee shop before they left the city where they picked up breakfast and coffees to go. Back in the SUV, Dani tried not to complain about her decaf latte. But it was difficult when she could smell the real stuff. She leaned forward and inhaled deeply.

  “I miss drinking real coffee more than I miss wine.”

  “Bet you reverse that statement around five this afternoon,” Eliot challenged.

  Dani groaned. Happy hour on the beach was definitely not going to be the same this year.

  “I don’t know where you get your willpower,” Miriam said. “And is it really necessary? Surely a few cups of coffee or glasses of wine won’t hurt the baby. As long as you don’t go crazy.”

  “Actually studies have shown that even a small amount of caffeine carries the risk of fetal growth restriction.”

  “You sound like such a professor sometimes, Dani.”

  “How odd,” Eliot said drily, his gaze in the rear-view mirror meeting Dani’s.

  “Smaller babies,” Dani amended, translating the lingo for Miriam.

  “Isn’t that be a good thing? I mean, you’ve got to deliver this thing, right?” She looked over her shoulder at Dani, pushing her sunglasses higher on the bridge of her nose at the same time. “Won’t it come out easier if it’s smaller?”

  Dani tried not to resent the way she referred to the baby as ‘it’. “Yes. But in general smaller babies are less healthy babies and carry greater risk of miscarriage or being stillborn.” Without conscious intent, Dani’s hands had gone protectively to her belly. Her secret fear nibbled at her consciousness, so much so that she almost said something. And I don’t want to add to my baby’s risk factors when already there’s a chance something will be wrong—

  But Miriam was talking again, and the moment was lost.

  “Seeing everything you’ve been through has convinced me that I never want to have kids,” Miriam said.

  “What if your Green Card husband wants a family?” Eliot teased.

  “Hmm. Well, maybe. But he’d have to be really sweet to me.”

  This comment, a reminder that Dani was in this pregnancy alone, without a partner to be sweet to her, also stung, though Dani knew Miriam hadn’t meant it to. She sighed, then settled back into her seat and took a sip of the insipid decaffeinated latte. For the next while she let her thoughts drift as Miriam engaged Eliot in a conversation that was difficult for her to hear, and therefore impossible for her to contribute to.

  She felt her spirits begin to lift as they left the city behind and vistas of the Pacific peeked out from beyond the highways, offices and condo complexes of Seattle. Having grown up in land-locked Montana, the ocean still seemed exotic to Dani. No matter how long she lived here, she suspected she would always feel this way.

  The vast and powerful Pacific Ocean nurtured creatures so different from the deer, elk, cattle, horses, dogs and cats she’d been surrounded by all her life. Last summer she and Eliot had seen dolphins and humpback whales when they were out on the kayak. Sea lions were a common sight and otters often came right up on the dock when they were in a playful mood.

  When the tide was out they dug clams and picked oysters right on the beach. Other times Dani would pick out interesting seashells and sand dollars for the glass jar collections in the cottage. Patrolling the air were pelicans, cormorants and albatrosses, as well as the great blue heron and, of course, the bald eagle.

  All of this seaside magic came back to her as the miles flew by.

  They stopped in Belfair for groceries, then pushed through to the seaside cottage which Eliot’s grandparents had purchased over sixty years ago. The two-story, timber-frame home was rarely used since his mother’s death, especially as family members had moved to follow careers and opportunities in other parts of the country. But a property management firm kept the place well-maintained and clean and when Eliot unlocked the front door, they were greeted with the fresh scent of lavender wafting from a generous bouquet on the kitchen island.

  The walls and vaulted ceiling were finished in larch and the floors were smooth slate in the entry way and though to the kitchen. Dani dropped the two grocery bags she’d been carrying to the island, then rushed off to the bathroom while Miriam supervised Eliot putting away the stores.

  When Dani returned to the kitchen five minutes later she felt much more comfortable. “Sorry I ran off like that. My bladder’s gone from vente-sized, to grande, to small in the past eight months.”

  “Why didn’t you say so in Belfair? We could have stopped at a place with restrooms.” Eliot was crouched in front of the wine fridge, unpacking the bottles Miriam had added to their grocery cart. She’d selected some expensive vintages, but had said nothing when it came time to pay the tab, letting Dani be the one to cover the bill over Eliot’s protests.

  Dani didn’t know if Miriam truly was more annoying these days, or if Dani’s pregnancy was making her less tolerant. In any case, it would be a long two weeks if things kept on this way. She handed over a bag of tinned goods. “Put these away would you? As I recall they go in the corner pantry.”

  Miriam said nothing, just took the
bag and dutifully did as requested, while Dani stocked the fridge with their vegetables, cheese and meat. Once all the food was taken care of, Eliot carried their suitcases to the bedrooms. Dani was pleased to be given the same corner-room she’d occupied last year. It was smaller than Miriam’s but the attached bathroom had an old-fashioned, claw-footed tub that molded perfectly to her back. She was looking forward to a long soak tonight.

  “What do you want to do first?” Eliot asked them, standing in the hall outside his room. He always left his parents’ master room vacant, taking instead the room he’d used as a boy. “Unpack? Go for a walk on the beach?”

  “How about we sit on the deck and open a bottle of that nice bubbly?” Miriam suggested. “Toast the first day of our holiday.”

  She was looking at Eliot as she said this, and not for the first time, Dani felt like the third wheel. Again her annoyance flared, but was it fair? It wasn’t Miriam’s fault that Dani couldn’t drink. Maybe what she was really resenting, wasn’t the things Miriam was saying—because it was totally in character for her to suggest opening a bottle of champagne like this—but the fact that Miriam looked so damn pretty and adorable while she felt like a big, fat loser.

  “You two go ahead. I’m actually wiped. I think I need a nap.”

  Eliot had looked disposed to veto Miriam’s suggestion until Dani mentioned needing a nap. “Sure, Dani. Whatever you like. If you feel like a walk when you wake up, let me know.”

  “Have a good rest,” Miriam added, already on her way down the stairs. “You look like you need it.”

  An urge to take a couple of books and hurl them down the stairs suddenly swept over Dani. But just as quickly the anger left her. She was tired. She hadn’t been making it up as some sort of excuse to get out of drinking wine with her friends.

  Sighing, she slipped into her corner bedroom.

  The iron bed stand was painted white, except for the corner brass bedposts. A beautiful sea-blue quilt was spread over the queen-sized mattress, and a sprig of lavender had been placed on the folded-over edge of the white cotton sheet beneath.

  Dani picked up the lavender and inhaled deeply. Such a lovely scent. Her mother had grown lavender in her herb garden behind the house at the Circle C. Dani remembered how the bees had loved it, buzzing drunkenly over the deep purple flowers on the hot summer days of early July.

  After washing up, Dani changed into her sleeping T-shirt, then opened all three of the windows in her room. Soon a salty sea breeze was freshening the air, and she pulled back the covers to the bed looking more forward to her nap than she’d expected.

  Her eyes were just closing when she heard the three-note tone from her phone signaling a message from Adrian.

  Suddenly alert, she pulled her phone from her purse so she could read the message.

  “We just got back to Seattle. Any chance I can see you tonight?”

  *

  Dani awoke to the sounds of seagulls and crashing waves. And voices, disjointed bits of conversation.

  She rolled over, brushed the hair out of her eyes and listened.

  “—not the same—”

  A female voice. Probably Miriam.

  “I’m just saying,” the same voice continued.

  A deeper rumble followed, Dani assumed it was Eliot. But this time she couldn’t make out any of the words.

  She eased her way out of the lavender-scented sheets, then pulled off her T-shirt. God, her stomach was huge. She smoothed her hands over it, imagining the baby inside. “You okay in there?”

  Dani had been tested enough in her life to know that her IQ fell in the top one percent of the population. She suspected Adrian’s was at least that high. With those kind of genes, her baby had to be smart, right? Even if she wasn’t as smart as her parents, that would be fine. As long as she could live a normal life.

  Eliot had left her suitcase on a bench so Dani didn’t even need to bend over far to open it. Quickly, she unpacked her meagre clothing into an empty bureau drawer and hung her dresses in the closet. One of them, a pretty white cotton eyelet shift, she decided to slip on now, along with a pair of flip flops.

  She brushed her hair, put on a hat, then went to join her friends on the back deck, stopping first to get a bottle of iced tea from the fridge.

  The first thing she saw was Miriam on a lounge chair, wearing a cinnamon-red bikini. Eliot, in swimming trunks, was relaxing in the chair next to her. The bottle of bubbly was empty and they were both drinking from clear plastic water glasses that Dani doubted contained water.

  “Here you are!”

  Unless he was pretending, Eliot looked happy to see her. Miriam, less so. She gave Dani’s outfit a derisive once-over. “You should have let me take you shopping for some beach clothes last week when I offered.”

  “I can’t get motivated to buy clothes I’m only going to wear another month. I have enough to get by.” She smoothed her hands over the shift. “This is comfortable and cool.”

  “Perfect for the cottage,” Eliot declared. He set down his glass and eased up from the cushioned lounge chair. “Ready for that walk?”

  Dani nodded. She could sip her drink at the same time. Right now she needed to get her circulatory system in gear. She glanced at Miriam to see if she would join them, but the other woman was already absorbed in the fashion magazine that had been face-down beside her on the chair just half a minute earlier.

  A series of wooden stairs led down about fifteen feet to the beach. The cottage had been built on the point of a bay, where at least five hundred yards separated them from the next property owners. She and Eliot automatically fell into step beside one another.

  “How was the bubbly?”

  He shrugged. “I only drank two glasses of the stuff to prevent Miriam from downing the entire bottle herself. I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately. Does she seem—edgy to you?”

  Edgy was the perfect word to describe the change in Miriam. “I feel like she’s mad at me for getting pregnant. For changing the dynamic of our group.”

  Eliot gave her a long, unreadable look. “Maybe that’s it.”

  The humidity of the sea air had brought out the curl in his hair. The effect was quite charming, giving him a slightly roguish appearance that wasn’t hurt at all by his broad muscular shoulders, well developed pecs, and ridged ab muscles. Had he been this well-toned last year, too?

  She kind of thought he had. Yet somehow, last year, his build hadn’t really registered with her.

  But she had to stop thinking of Eliot this way. He’d no doubt laugh at her right now if he could read her mind.

  She took a sip of her iced tea, then looked out at the ocean view again. “I can’t believe your brothers don’t visit more often. This is so beautiful.”

  “They have busy lives. Demanding careers. And the cottage isn’t exactly easy to get to.”

  “What are they like? Are the three of you quite similar?”

  “Hard for me to say. You’ll meet them one day. Then you can decide for yourself.”

  “You think I will? Meet them?” She remembered one of them coming to town shortly after she’d met Eliot. As far as she could recall he hadn’t had another family visit since then. They never even got together for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

  “Yes. At least I hope so.” Eliot looked like he wanted to say something else, but then her phone gave out a familiar three-note chime.

  She couldn’t resist pulling the phone from her pocket to check the message. Before going to sleep she’d sent Adrian a reply saying she was at Eliot’s cottage on Hood Canal and couldn’t see him for a while.

  He’d responded: “For how long?”

  Dani tucked the phone away.

  “Adrian?” Eliot guessed.

  She hesitated, then nodded. “After four weeks of silence, he suddenly wants to see me.”

  “The guy has seriously bad timing.”

  “Yeah.” She tried to smile.

  “You want to go back?”

  �
��No. God, no,” she answered quickly and she could tell Eliot was relieved. The problem was, however, part of her did want to pack her bag and hurry back to see Adrian.

  How pathetic was that?

  *

  After their walk, Dani took a book to one of the comfy chairs at the front porch and settled in for a couple hours of reading. Eliot had offered to cook dinner that evening and was prepping food in the kitchen. Despite his assurances that he didn’t need any help, Miriam was in there with him.

  Probably working on her second bottle of wine.

  Dani wrinkled her nose at herself, for having such an uncharitable thought. So what if Miriam was kicking up her heels a little. This was a holiday after all, and last year Dani hadn’t been shy about drinking her own share of alcohol, as well. In fact, she remembered one afternoon when they’d gone through three pitchers of sangria with little problem.

  When she finished Chapter Six, Dani decided she’d had enough of the story for now and set the book aside. Fatalistically she pulled out her phone and re-read the stream of text messages she and Adrian had exchanged in the past two hours.

  “Back in two weeks,” she’d said, in response to his question.

  “Call me as soon as you’re back.”

  “I will. Everything OK?”

  “Fine. Just need to talk. You OK?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Take care. See you in 2 wks.”

  She kept trying to read in more than was really there. Like, had he changed his mind about her and the baby? It had to be a good sign that he’d asked how she was doing. However, he hadn’t done so until she’d asked about him. So.

  Dani longed to ask Miriam her opinion. A few months ago she would have. But their friendship had changed and Dani no longer trusted her the way she once had. Which left Eliot, but she didn’t need to ask to know what he would say.

  He’d tell her Adrian was a jerk and she was better off without him.

  Easy advice to give if you were a guy.

  *

  They ate dinner on the back deck. Grilled salmon and veggies with pesto linguine. Another bottle of wine was opened by Miriam, while Dani stuck to her unsweetened iced teas.