Burnt (Blood and Fire Book 1)
Page 34
like when they were adults.
He watched her hunt. Beauty and grace suffused everything she did in the woods. Even her kills were elegant. Anything she set her sights on inevitably fell. She was relentless and skilled, the best hunter of their generation. Maybe of the tribe. And she didn’t shy away from cleaning the kills, the way some of the other girls did. She dove into it with the same enthusiasm she did everything.
And he watched her and Sojun. So many times, they snuck back up to the hill after the village was asleep, more times than he could count. It didn’t matter to them, that sex was supposed to wait until they were adults. Or maybe it did. Maybe it made it more exciting. He couldn’t tell and they never said.
Sometimes they fought. That surprised him. They argued in public, of course, but this was different. These were real arguments. The kind that loosed Amorette’s temper and often resulted in a flurry of fists pounded against Jun’s chest. More often than not, they were about him. Over and over, she asked those same questions:
“Do you love me best? Would you choose me?”
When he answered at all, Jun always assured her that he would. That he did. But as the visions grew closer to the night of the soldiers, Kaie couldn’t help but notice that Sojun answered less often. Sometimes his friend would stop the questioning by pulling her in for a kiss that started up another painful scene. Other times his friend would just walk away, leaving Amorette sputtering and fuming.
It was, none of it, how he imagined. She wasn’t perfect. But she was so terribly real. Living and breathing in his visions, more vital than anyone he knew before or would again. It hurt, watching her. Hurt more than any physical pain he experienced. And he drank it all in like a man dying of thirst. Because he deserved it.
Thirty-Three
At some point Kaie started washing and dressing himself. A short time after that Peren took him to the stables again. He didn’t know how many days he missed but none of the men commented on his absence. Stephen put him in charge of the feed again. He thought the stable master shot him a few sideways glances, maybe smiled at him a little more. But it was probably his imagination.
When lunch came, so did she. They sat together on the bales. When the day was over she was waiting for him. She wrapped his hand in both of hers and led him back to her home. He ate when she gave him food. The tangerine was gone and the rest was tasteless, but it didn’t matter. When he was done he laid down under the blanket. He didn’t fall asleep until she was next to him again.
Kaie wasn’t sure how many nights he was there when the nightmares started. He woke in a cold sweat, feeling Amorette’s blood spilling through his fingers. He stared up at the ceiling, gasping and waiting for the tightness in his chest to fade. Peren’s fingers entwined with his. He held her hand tight, worried he might hurt her but unable to loosen his grip. Eventually he fell asleep again. If he dreamed more, he didn’t remember it.
Vaughan came to see them some mornings after that. He brought vegetables and clothes. He and Peren spoke in hushed tones but he didn’t think they were trying to keep him from hearing. It didn’t matter if they were. Kaie wasn’t listening. He knew there were things he was supposed to worry about. But they didn’t matter.
The nightmares came every night, as if now that he let them in, they wouldn’t go away. Some nights it was just Amorette’s blood. Some nights it was the burning log. Once it was the weight of Amorette’s corpse.
That morning was one where Vaughan came to see them. He stayed for longer than usual. He even tried speaking to Kaie. Kaie knew that’s what he was doing, but he didn’t hear any of the words. It should bother him, but it didn’t. Finally, the boy gave up. His head dropped and his shoulders hunched. Then he stood and walked away.
After Vaughan left, Peren sat down beside him. She didn’t put food in his hands. She didn’t wrap the blanket around him. He didn’t know what she wanted him to do. He waited but all she did was sit. And then she cried.
The sound of her soft sobs sent a shiver through him. For a second Kaie was back in that moment. The one where he swung and a man died. With effort, he fought his way free. He knew what came next, knew he couldn’t handle reliving it. Not now. He didn’t want to think but he needed to. It was so much easier, just falling back into another vision. But Peren was crying and he needed to know why.
“Are you hurt?”
His voice was jagged and hoarse. Startled by the sound, Kaie realized it was days, maybe more, since he used it last. Peren gasped then fell into a fit of coughing. Not knowing what to do, Kaie waited it out, watching her face closely for any sign that she was in danger of choking.
She got her coughing under control quickly. The tears didn’t go away but they mingled with a strange, strangled laugh. She caught one of his hands up in hers and pressed it against her cheek. “You’re here!”
He glanced around the room, confused. “Yes…was I somewhere else?”
Peren nodded. “For a while.”
Kaie shook his head. He didn’t understand. But that wasn’t important. “You’re crying. He hurt you. Are you ok?”
“He…” Her eyes widened. “You mean when I was attacked. Yes, I’m ok. I was just sad. And a little scared.”
He frowned. “Because of me. Because of how I’ve been?”
She nodded and released his hand. Peren’s head dropped for a moment, her hair closing around her face. Kaie felt more awkward than she was. He remembered his time with her but it was foggy. Like a dream. And now he didn’t know what to do to make her stop crying.
“Hey.” He gathered her up into his arms. She was so tiny. Half his size. He remembered her holding him but couldn’t figure out how she possibly managed it. “It’s ok. Peren, I’m ok.”
She slid into his lap, folding her legs up and pressing the side of her face against his chest. It was his turn to stroke her head as she sorted out if she was laughing or crying. The end result seemed to be some sort of odd hiccup that shook her entire frame for several minutes. “You were so lost,” she whispered. “I didn’t know how to find you.”
Kaie pulled in a slow breath. The first weeks, when Amorette wouldn’t speak a word… Even if he didn’t love her, it would hurt. Being so alone. And he did it to Peren. How many nights? How long did he put her through that? He rested his head against the top of hers. “I’m sorry. Gods, I’m so sorry. Please, don’t cry.”
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sucked her nose, snot making a strange honking sound. Slowly, she slid away and put herself back in order. He watched, oddly fascinated. Her tears stopped. A pressure in his chest eased. She wiped her eyes one more time and flipped her hair back out of her face. He took that as the cue she was better.
“How long since…?”
“Three weeks.” It felt like longer. It felt like forever. “Are you really ok?”
Kaie thought about it. Thought about reaching into the fire and swinging the log. The crack as it connected. The way the man slumped down. The way Amorette cackled. The way her blood felt as it trickled through his fingers. “No.”
She laughed again. It didn’t sound happy. “No. You’re not. You wanted to go back out into the storm and I stopped you.”
His brows knit. “You knew?”
“Yes.” She stared up at him, and Kaie saw the tears still waiting there. He cringed. So much damage. All because of him. “I’m not letting you give up. Do you hate me?”
He shook his head. “Not you.” Kaie wondered if he was going to be hearing that question for the rest of his life. He looked down at his hands, a little surprised to find them clean of any blood. They should be stained. “What did I miss?”
“A lot of snow. Earlier, a few of the kids are fighting with balls of it. I watched them while Vaughan talked to you. It seemed like fun.”
In spite of everything caught up in his head, Kaie discovered he was smiling. Imagining her out there throwing snow balls at little children was funny. Her choosing that to share out of everything else that must be g
oing on was funnier. “You should play.”
She was up in an instant, managing not to hit him a single time. She tugged her shirt, straightening out some wrinkles, and then held out her hand. “You’re coming with me.”
Kaie hunched his shoulders up nearly to his ears, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m ok.”
She rolled her eyes, a smile dancing on her lips. “You told me that already. Come on. Throw handfuls of snow at small children with me.”
He snickered, couldn’t help it. “Go,” he urged. “Have fun. I’ll be here.”
She shook her head and grabbed one of his hands, tugging until he unfolded it and stood up. “You’ll be out there. I’m not going without you.”
She dragged him forward. Kaie shuffled behind, all those weeks of practice making it more habit than a decision to cooperate. He didn’t want to go outside, to play in the snow. Just thinking about it filled him with dread. But he owed her. Three weeks. He couldn’t say no. Not if it would make her happy.
It was worse. As bad as he expected it to be, the reality was worse. All that snow. Pristine white drifts. In the corner of his eye, he saw dark red spreading across it. But when he turned to look it was still just white.
Kaie sucked in one sharp breath. Two. His body tensed, ready to run back inside. He stumbled. Where was Peren? Wasn’t she just holding his hand? He was going to fall in the snow. He was going