All Our Happy Days Are Stupid

by Sheila Heti

  Like gifts to the storm

  Like gifts to the storm

  Da da da da da…

  (As the music gets more intense she hears voices from down below; she looks—it’s MR. ODDI and MS. ODDI standing in the street, arguing with each other. She cannot hear what they’re saying, though she strains to.)

  “A Million Votes for Jenny O” (cont’d)

  Today before the storm

  The angels made it known

  That her house was the capital

  That the sad, sad rain has been

  A million votes for Jenny O

  A million votes for Jenny O

  A million votes for Jenny O

  A million votes for Jenny O

  (At the end of the song, MS. ODDI runs off. MR. ODDI stands there alone, looking down at his hands, sadly. He turns to go back into the hotel, grasps the handle of the door, can’t bring himself to enter, and sits down crumpled on the stoop. A cloud slowly moves over the moon. JENNY sits back on the edge of the bed, then curls into it and under the covers and lies there, eyes open wide.)

  ACT II

  SCENE 1

  Cannes. MS. ODDI and MRS. SING sit in wrought-iron chairs at a small, cafe-style table. It’s the middle of the day. There may be greenery around. A little bill lies on the table, folded in two. Also, there are some items from MS. ODDI’s purse—lipstick, tissue paper, a crossword-puzzle magazine. They drink from two tall glasses of soda. MS. ODDI is cold throughout the whole conversation.

  MRS. SING: I know it’s something of an intrusion.

  MS. ODDI: Well the traffic must have been very bad. The traffic getting in here is very bad.

  MRS. SING: Yes, it was bad.

  MS. ODDI: And where did you park your rental?

  MRS. SING: By the hotel I am staying at.

  MS. ODDI: My hotel?

  MRS. SING: Yes.

  (MS. ODDI sips her drink. Nothing is said.)

  MS. ODDI: Have you been swimming yet?

  MRS. SING: No, I just arrived at eleven o’clock. Then it took me a few hours to find you.

  MS. ODDI: Do you think I have been suntanning?

  MRS. SING: No.

  MS. ODDI: I have been. With my friend!

  MRS. SING: A woman?

  MS. ODDI: A man. He put oil on my arms. See?

  (She holds out her arms. MRS. SING looks them over vaguely.)

  MRS. SING: Perhaps it’s been absorbed into the skin.

  (MS. ODDI pulls her arms back.)

  MS. ODDI: Yes, well, you would say that. (yawns) The afternoons are so hot.

  MRS. SING: (eagerly) You are greedy for more of the morning.

  MS. ODDI: No I am not!

  MRS. SING: I think I will go swimming this afternoon.

  MS. ODDI: The sea is very blue.

  MRS. SING: Have you been swimming?

  MS. ODDI: Yes, I went for a swim this morning.

  MRS. SING: If I go for a swim, where will you be this evening, when I return?

  MS. ODDI: I suppose I’ll be at the hotel, on the patio, reading my book.

  MRS. SING: Then I’ll go for a swim.

  MS. ODDI: You shouldn’t miss it while you’re here.

  MRS. SING: Yes…

  MS. ODDI: And how long will you be here for?

  MRS. SING: I don’t know…

  MS. ODDI: Have they found Daniel?

  MRS. SING: No.

  MS. ODDI: So perhaps you’ll go back when they find him?

  MRS. SING: Perhaps. I haven’t thought it through. I didn’t even bring a bikini.

  MS. ODDI: You can buy so many on the boardwalk.

  MRS. SING: Well then, that’s what I’ll do.

  MS. ODDI: You’ll buy yourself a bikini and take a swim. What’ll you do about dinner?

  MRS. SING: Perhaps you’d like to have dinner together?

  MS. ODDI: No, thank you.

  MRS. SING: You have plans?

  MS. ODDI: Yes, I have plans! I have a friend. I have plans with him. He intends to take me to a lobster restaurant for dinner. (annoyed) Oh, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.

  MRS. SING: (pleasantly, eagerly) Perhaps you are becoming my friend.

  (A WAITER comes out. MS. ODDI holds up the check.)

  MS. ODDI: You charged us for an extra soda.

  WAITER: Let’s see.

  (He looks at it. MS. ODDI watches him.)

  WAITER: I don’t know that this is an extra soda.

  MS. ODDI: What do you mean? Clearly it’s an extra soda. We only had one soda each.

  WAITER: Well then, why does it say soda three times?

  MS. ODDI: That’s the mistake!

  WAITER: (talking slowly) I don’t normally make mistakes.

  MRS. SING: That’s why we call them mistakes! Look at our table. How many glasses do you see?

  MS. ODDI: There’s only two glasses. You’re lying if you say there’s a third.

  WAITER: Well, I’ll just take this back and fix it.

  (He leaves.)

  MS. ODDI: What a moron.

  (She begins packing up her purse with the articles lying on the table.)

  MRS. SING: Where are you going now?

  MS. ODDI: I’m in a hurry.

  MRS. SING: You’re not going back to the hotel then, are you?

  MS. ODDI: No, I’m seeing a two-thirty matinee. I have been seeing lots of movies. Movies every day!

  MRS. SING: Don’t you think it’s bad to lose yourself in fantasy?

  MS. ODDI: Never!

  MRS. SING: Well, do what you like.

  MS. ODDI: I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t worry about me. I can take care of myself well enough.

  MRS. SING: Would you like my company?

  MS. ODDI: No. Besides. I thought you needed a bikini.

  MRS. SING: I do.

  MS. ODDI: Then get your bikini!

  (The WAITER returns with the bill. MS. ODDI looks at it.)

  MS. ODDI: (short) Thank you.

  WAITER: I took off the extra soda. It was my mistake.

  MS. ODDI: I see that.

  MRS. SING: Aren’t you going to apologize to her now?

  WAITER: I’m sorry.

  MS. ODDI: It’s not a problem.

  MRS. SING: It was just a little headache.

  (The WAITER picks up their glasses.)

  MRS. SING: I’m not finished!

  (He puts it down, goes.)

  MRS. SING: (to MS. ODDI) They’re so irresponsible. Show me one good waiter.

  MS. ODDI: I haven’t the time.

  (She gets up to rush off.)

  MRS. SING: Ms. Oddi!

  MS. ODDI: Yes?

  MRS. SING: I just wanted to tell you that you’re looking very glamorous.

  MS. ODDI: (uncertain) Well, thank you.

  MRS. SING: It has done you good; the sea air, the escape.

  MS. ODDI: I don’t know what it’s done me. Good-bye.

  (She exits. MRS. SING stays at the table. The WAITER returns.)

  MRS. SING: I am sorry for my friend’s behavior.

  WAITER: People come to this town for two nights, they think they own it. I’m used to it. It’s the nature of a sea town. We’re just ghosts to the people who come and stay in our hotels for two or three days. They don’t believe this is home for anybody. Well, I make my memories here, too!

  MRS. SING: We all make our memories here. We all make our memories wherever we go! I should report you to your manager.

  (The WAITER walks off. MRS. SING looks around, begins to cry. She slaps the table, then takes out dark sunglasses from her purse and puts them on. She arranges her hair, licks her lips.)

  MRS. SING: (controlling tears) What you need is a bikini… a bikini!

  SCENE 2

  MS. ODDI’s hotel room. MRS. SING knocks on the door, letting herself in. MS. ODDI is on her bed, doing her crossword puzzles. Through this whole conversation MS. ODDI keeps her head down, focused on her magazine, filling in the crossword puzzle. She says her lines dutifully. MRS
. SING is eager, hanging about, nervous.

  MRS. SING: Oh, Ms. Oddi, I’m terribly sorry. May I let myself in?

  MS. ODDI: (not looking up) Fine.

  MRS. SING: I hope you don’t mind me bothering you. Have you eaten already?

  MS. ODDI: (still not looking up) I was going to eat at eight. I’ve always liked eating late, but with Jenny, I never had the opportunity!

  MRS. SING: Well, eight is very late. I’ve never understood how people can eat so late. The stomach just gets hungry around six.

  MS. ODDI: Did you take a swim?

  MRS. SING: I took a swim, yes, thank you.

  MS. ODDI: What color is it?

  MRS. SING: What color is what? Oh! It’s green. I prefer red as a color, but they didn’t have a red bikini I particularly liked. I went to a few shops but at a certain point I said, Joy, just pick one. You’re not going to be in a fashion show!

  (Pause.)

  MS. ODDI: I told you I am not interested in your friendship.

  MRS. SING: If you could only see! If you would only give it a chance!

  MS. ODDI: There’s a very good reason I left Paris and my family behind. And it was not to start the same life all over again.

  MRS. SING: What are you going to get in this new life?

  MS. ODDI: I’m going to get everything I deserve.

  MRS. SING: (darkly) Including a male friend?

  MS. ODDI: (looking up) My new friend is the least of my concerns.

  MRS. SING: You have a taste for new men?

  MS. ODDI: (looking back at her crossword) Not at all.

  (There is a knocking at the door.)

  MS. ODDI: Come in.

  (THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT enters, wearing only his paws and feet.)

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Did I come at a bad time?

  MS. ODDI: No.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Would you like to take a swim?

  MS. ODDI: I would love one.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Let’s go.

  MS. ODDI: Just let me fill in this word.

  (THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT looks at MRS. SING.)

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Do you misbehave?

  MRS. SING: (indignant) Never!

  (He looks away.)

  MS. ODDI: Ready.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Come along then.

  (She hops off the bed. They leave, closing the door behind them. MRS. SING flops herself down on the bed and begins to cry. She sits up.)

  MRS. SING: Don’t cry, you fool. You are free. You are free!

  (She picks up the telephone, dials.)

  MRS. SING: Mrs. Lau? It is Mrs. Sing. Do you know where I am now? In Cannes!

  SCENE 3

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT and MS. ODDI sit on reclining patio chairs, after their swim, in towels. Perhaps MS. ODDI is without a top on.

  MS. ODDI: When my number comes up, I’m not going to miss it stuck with my family who doesn’t appreciate me for anything. I gave my daughter a lot: discipline, self-respect, a sense of correctness.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Would you like a cigarette?

  MS. ODDI: Yes. I haven’t smoked since I was nineteen.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: I’m sure you were very attractive when you were nineteen.

  MS. ODDI: I whored myself around.

  (She takes a cigarette from him. He lights it.)

  MS. ODDI: Jenny is different. She is very prudish, very polite. Of course, she’s barely thirteen. She has life in her, but… who knows?

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: It is so tedious to have a family.

  (MRS. SING enters.)

  MRS. SING: I thought I would find you here.

  MS. ODDI: Have you eaten your dinner, Mrs. Sing?

  MRS. SING: I ate my dinner, then I lay down.

  MS. ODDI: Offer her a cigarette.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Would you like a cigarette?

  MRS. SING: If I may.

  (He hands her one. She puts it in her mouth. He goes to light it. She turns her face away.)

  MRS. SING: No.

  (She goes on “smoking” it.)

  MRS. SING: I love the nightlife.

  MS. ODDI: Mrs. Sing has come all the way from Cedervale. She is desperate to be my friend, and this is why you have been seeing her so often.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Why does she like you so much?

  MS. ODDI: Because I am a woman.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Why do you like her so much?

  MRS. SING: Please don’t ask me any questions.

  MS. ODDI: She has it in her mind that we could be friends. That we would tell each other everything; that we have so much in common.

  MRS. SING: I’m not ashamed of it.

  MS. ODDI: I have listened to this all day long. I listened to it while I was in Paris, too!

  (THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT leans over and starts squeezing MS. ODDI’s breasts. She lets him, but doesn’t respond.)

  MS. ODDI: Back in Paris, I had so much on my mind. It’s incredible what happens to you when travelling. And then all of a sudden you stop, and you don’t know where you are. It’s terrifying to the death!

  MRS. SING: You are absolutely right.

  MS. ODDI: (to THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT) Come. If you are so eager we should go inside.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: There is nobody here.

  MS. ODDI: My back aches.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: We’ll go into the water.

  MS. ODDI: We were just in the water! If I go in again I’ll cramp up! Come along, we’ll go back to my room. Or to your apartment. It’s not so far.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: (upset) It is not so far but it is full of people.

  MS. ODDI: Then up to my room.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: (grumbling) It is always full of miserable, freeloading people.

  (They go.)

  SCENE 4

  At a distance, JOHNNY ROCKETS performs a free concert on the boardwalk. He is played by DAN—but a minor costume change makes it clear it’s an alternate version of DAN, DAN at the height of a real or imagined, feared or fantasized about, fame. He sings.

  “Johnny Rockets’ Song”

  It’s gonna take an airplane

  To get me off the ground

  I don’t blame anyone who isn’t sticking around

  Cause when you stick around

  When you stick around

  People like to put things in the ground

  Now in my evil-empire eye

  I’m going to be a star in the night sky above

  So you think this is love

  Yes I guess so, at least something to make it from

  Dressed like a dream dreamt by Lola magazine

  Baby you were born to be seen

  And watch just the stars

  Now step inside the widow-maker

  Listen to your heart

  Always the play never the thing

  (MRS. SING and MS. ODDI appear on the beach. They are taking a long walk. They talk over the music, which is quieter now. They don’t yet notice JOHNNY ROCKETS or the concert.)

  MS. ODDI: Nobody has ever let me do what I wanted to. I always did what everyone else wanted me to do.

  MRS. SING: That is a very stupid thing to say.

  MS. ODDI: Nevertheless, it is true.

  MRS. SING: Well, then you are on the verge of being mentally ill.

  MS. ODDI: Still, when I think of myself at any age, I always think: what a precious thing you were. There was some way in which I was always trying to shield myself from every danger.

  MRS. SING: Yes, you have already mentioned that!

  (MS. ODDI sees JOHNNY ROCKETS.)

  MS. ODDI: Oh no, it’s Johnny Rockets.

  MRS. SING: Who?

  MS. ODDI: Jenny has his poster on her wall! Look how smooth he is. Knows just when to turn and everything.

  MRS. SING: You shouldn’t be so impressed. He’s only a teenager. It comes naturally.

  (She points to a HOBBLED MAN, who is also wa
lking down the boardwalk. He carries a cage with a parakeet in it, maybe.)

  MRS. SING: It takes more guts to be that man than your little Johnny Rockets.

  (JOHNNY ROCKETS begins signing autographs.)

  MS. ODDI: Come, let’s go over.

  (She pulls MRS. SING by the hand toward JOHNNY ROCKETS and his crowd of adoring fans.)

  MS. ODDI: Johnny Rockets! Johnny Rockets!

  (Eventually JOHNNY ROCKETS looks over.)

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: Yes, mama?

  MS. ODDI: (calling) How do you do it?

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: Just like this, old lady!

  (He does a turn and swivels and flashes her a teen-idol grin. A roar of swoons goes up from the crowd.)

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: You like that, old lady?

  MS. ODDI: (giddy) We’re big fans!

  (JOHNNY ROCKETS pushes out of the crowd and comes toward MS. ODDI and MRS. SING.)

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: What are you two mamas doing on a day like today all alone on the boardwalk? Where are your husbands?

  MRS. SING: (priggish) They’re in Paris.

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: You girls thought you’d take a joyride out to the sea? Take in a bit of sun, a bit of sand, some muscle on the beach? Hey, I could show you girls a real good time. You’d never have to tell your husbands about it. Come on, you’re not too old for it, are you? You still get down, don’t you?

  MS. ODDI: (coyly) We were just taking a pleasant walk.

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: Don’t play that game, mama.

  MS. ODDI: We were just talking a pleasant walk on such a nice day. Isn’t it a nice day?

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: Hell, every day’s a nice day. Except for that man there! Probably every day’s real shitty for that man there. Ain’t that right, buddy?

  THE HOBBLED MAN: What is?

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: You got a good life or a shitty life?

  MRS. SING: (pulling MS. ODDI) Come on, let’s go.

  MS. ODDI: (resisting) No, I’m curious.

  MRS. SING: This will not be pleasant. We should not watch this interaction. It’s sure to end in tears.

  (MRS. SING pulls MS. ODDI off. JOHNNY ROCKETS pays attention to THE HOBBLED MAN.)

  THE HOBBLED MAN: What can you do? I had some good years. That’s all you can really ask for—two or three good years. Two or three good years is enough for a lifetime of happy memories! I’m not looking for adventures now. It’s not so bad. When I was younger, I would do little dances when I was happy, like this—

  (THE HOBBLED MAN does a little dance.)