All Our Happy Days Are Stupid

by Sheila Heti

  THE HOBBLED MAN: But I never wanted anyone to see it. I was embarrassed about it. I never saw anyone else do these dances, so I was very ashamed! I hid myself. When people called me, I wouldn’t go out in case I might forget myself and make a little dance of happiness. I didn’t want anyone to laugh. Well, my friends started to notice that I would not go out when they called. They thought: He only ever invites us over when he feels like it. He never comes when we call him. It was true. I stayed at home, danced when I was happy, and never had anyone to be ashamed in front of. Soon all my friends drifted away. Then, over ten years, this hump developed. Can I say it is a bad life, as you put it? Well, no. I feed my animals with regularity, which I can’t say I’d be able to do if I didn’t have this isolation. Without this loneliness, I sure wouldn’t have time for my animals. And it’s something to have animals—real pets. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a real pet?

  (During this speech, JOHNNY ROCKETS’s demeanor has changed. He has become sad, humbled, uncool, brooding, lost his swagger. Some girls run up to him.)

  JOHNNY ROCKETS: Stop!

  (JOHNNY ROCKETS puts his hand out to stop them. He is mobbed.)

  SCENE 5

  MRS. SING, MS. ODDI, and THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT at breakfast. THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT and MS. ODDI wear terry-cloth robes, while MRS. SING is more properly dressed. It’s a continental breakfast. MS. ODDI is in a good mood; MRS. SING is not.

  MRS. SING: I didn’t sleep a wink last night.

  MS. ODDI: (with a faint smile) Perhaps you were enjoying yourself at last, Mrs. Sing.

  MRS. SING: I am not an idiot and I know when I’m being made fun of.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Your friend didn’t sleep a wink last night either. I was poking her all night.

  MRS. SING: (grumpy) She is not my friend.

  MS. ODDI: (cheery) Oh, Mrs. Sing. Don’t say that. Of course you’re my friend! Look at us here at breakfast.

  MRS. SING: You told me I was not allowed to sit with you.

  MS. ODDI: But here you are!

  MRS. SING: That’s right. I sat down anyway. There was no other table at which I could have felt more comfortable. But you put a little pot of jam on my seat while I was gone to get more coffee!

  MS. ODDI: Don’t be mad.

  MRS. SING: If I’m mad I have a right to be! You have not treated me at all well since I arrived, not at all like a guest!

  MS. ODDI: You’re not a guest, you’re an intruder! Where do you get off following me, simply because our children go to school together? You knew very well when I left Paris that I intended to be alone!

  MRS. SING: I could tell you were in an irresponsible frame of mind.

  MS. ODDI: That’s a lie.

  MRS. SING: If it’s a lie it’s a lie!

  MS. ODDI: What a ludicrous thing to say. (not mimicking, but explaining rather hysterically) If it’s a lie it’s a lie and that was my point: it’s a lie!

  MRS. SING: If it’s a lie, well, then, it’s a lie!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: You two are going in circles. Just going in circles.

  (MS. ODDI stands up in a huff.)

  MS. ODDI: (sputtering) I’m going back to my room. I did not leave Paris to carry on a routine!

  (She exits.)

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: You are a terrible friend.

  MRS. SING: It would look very different if she would pay some attention to me.

  (MS. ODDI returns.)

  MS. ODDI: There is so little one can do in life without someone looking over your shoulder, a person from the past! If there’s anything to be learned from life, it’s that a person looking over your shoulder all the time makes a woman too emotional! Too emotional! How are we supposed to not be emotional when someone’s always waiting to see how we’ll react! (to THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT) You’re different of course, slightly, but if I knew you better, you’d be the same.

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Moi?

  MRS. SING: You’re not a failure.

  MS. ODDI: I’m not talking about failure!

  (MS. ODDI begins to cry.)

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Women always cry for themselves. You can be sure of one thing: when a woman is crying—it is for herself!

  MS. ODDI: A man takes your body once and he thinks he owns you!

  MRS. SING: That is right, Ms. Oddi, so you might as well go right back to your husband—to the man who in fact owns you. There’s never an escape into other men.

  MS. ODDI: (red eyes) Is that all you have to say?

  MRS. SING: No… I would like to know if you would like to go swimming with me this afternoon.

  MS. ODDI: This afternoon I shall be practicing my flute.

  MRS. SING: And this evening?

  MS. ODDI: This evening I will also practice my flute! Now I know that I did a true injustice to myself when I gave up the flute. That is where my talent lies, that is where my true worth always did lie, but I was too caught up in the world to know it!

  MRS. SING: No one’s true worth lies in a flute.

  MS. ODDI: (bitter, like a snake) What do you know about the flute?

  MRS. SING: Oh, please have tea with me, Ms. Oddi… there is so much we have to say to each other!

  MS. ODDI: I will not! I cannot respond to every person in the world! People ask too much. It is impossible to find one’s way in life when there’s someone at every corner trying to manipulate your heart. How can I move forward in life if I am being tugged this way and that by everyone I meet? At a certain point a person must say Stop! No! I will live my life from now on. I will think my thoughts. I will dream my dreams. (hysterical) Why should I feel guilty about it? I have spent my entire life feeling what everyone else feels! And do you know what makes a woman lose her youth? Sympathy! Too much sympathy! Certainly there are feelings everywhere; must we respond to each one of them?

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: See how she talks? She goes on and on, like a little toy.

  (Delighted by her presumption, he starts to fondle her.)

  MRS. SING: And yet Ms. Oddi—your sympathy would make me feel so much better.

  MS. ODDI: My first boyfriend—oh, he smoked a very big pipe—he always said: Men make the world, and women decorate it. Well, it turns out he was right! That is all I have done—decorated! Decorated my family with my presence…

  (She begins to cry again.)

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: (slaps her) Stop that.

  (She stops crying.)

  MRS. SING: Well, Ms. Oddi. There is certainly no other woman like you in the world!

  MS. ODDI: Yes, I have often been told.

  (MRS. SING starts to cry.)

  MS. ODDI: (scornful) Now what are you crying for?

  MRS. SING: (crying) But what about love, Ms. Oddi? The heart is our only guide. If you turn off your heart, you will be absolutely spinning in circles!

  MS. ODDI: You are wrong, Mrs. Sing. It is the heart which makes us spin in circles! The heart!

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT: Come along—no more talking. You give me a headache with all your little words!

  (He drags MS. ODDI off by the arm.)

  MRS. SING: (calling) What about the ocean?

  MS. ODDI: (calling back) What do you take me for? A submarine? I don’t want the ocean. I am an airplane, Mrs. Sing! (finger pointed at the sky, arm raised) I spend my time in the air!

  SCENE 6

  MRS. SING wanders into the hotel lobby, where there is a small store. She lifts a bikini off a hanger and holds it in front of her body, turning this way and that in front of the mirror. She feels tremendously lonely. DAN is nearby, singing “Submarines Don’t Mind.”

  “Submarines Don’t Mind”

  Submarines don’t mind

  Spending their time in the ocean

  Spending their time in the ocean

  (repeat and repeat…)

  (As she moves back and forth in front of the mirror, she begins to feel even worse. She puts the bikini back on the hanger, then goes to the hotel phone, begins d
ialing, then puts down the phone slowly. She looks around the lobby, then hurries into an elevator, having made up her mind.)

  SCENE 7

  Hallway of the hotel in Cannes. MRS. SING, dressed to travel and carrying a suitcase, is heading down the hall. The music from the previous scene continues. MS. ODDI, a little drunk, in a beautiful gown, steps out into the hall and hurries after MRS SING.

  MS. ODDI: Oh! Where are you going?

  MRS. SING: (escaping) Good-bye, Ms. Oddi.

  MS. ODDI: Good-bye? (clearly drunk) What do you mean, good-bye?

  MRS. SING: I am returning to Paris.

  MS. ODDI: But… we’re only just becoming friends! Don’t you want to stay and be my friend?

  MRS. SING: Oh, Ms. Oddi. I am such a fool. You don’t want to be my friend.

  MS. ODDI: But Mrs. Sing—where did you get that idea? You are so sensitive! You know I was just pretending! (flamboyantly, drunk) I was just joking around…

  MRS. SING: No, I’m not like you, Ms. Oddi. I have to go home now.

  MS. ODDI: Not like me? But what am I like?

  (MRS. SING begins to head off.)

  MS. ODDI: Well I—(haughty, defensive, suddenly sober) All I wanted is a better life!

  (MRS. SING pauses, turns.)

  MRS. SING: There is no better life, Ms. Oddi. There is no better life.

  (MRS. SING leaves.)

  SCENE 8

  THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT sits in the hotel bar while DAN sings “An Actor’s Revenge.” THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT drinks. His costume is half-off, as though he’s tired of pretending. MS. ODDI enters and begins to drink at the other end of the bar. Seeing THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT, she moves over to him. He takes a look at her, then turns purposefully away. Another woman comes in, and he is happy to see her and drinks with her. There are no words in this scene, just DAN singing.

  “An Actor’s Revenge”

  An actor will seek revenge

  I don’t know why and I don’t know when

  There’ll be talk, there’ll be action

  Demanding satisfaction

  Girls, oh you hate to play a girl

  An actor will seek revenge

  He came on too strong

  He was weird, he was wrong

  A bloodless commandant throwing everybody out

  The kids twist and shout

  Until the world fucking wrecks it

  A boulevardier might say

  Tomorrow’s another day

  All right, yes, but it’s also just another mess

  Crime and punishment, no that’s not what I meant

  An actor will seek revenge

  I don’t know why and I don’t know when

  There’ll be talk, there’ll be action

  Demanding satisfaction

  Girls, oh you hate to be a girl

  An actor will seek revenge

  Upon the one who vetted those ridiculous lines

  Saying what we really need now is an emotional history

  Of the Lower East Side

  Cause it was wild, it was wild,

  Oh no, here we go again

  SCENE 9

  MS. ODDI sits on the bed of her hotel room. She picks up her flute—wants to play it—puts it to her lips—tries a bit—but is horrible. She stops and puts it down, lost. She sits there for a bit, not knowing what to do. She picks up the phone, pushes one number, listens.

  MS. ODDI: Room 313.

  (There is a knock on her door. She opens it. The HOTELIER stands there before her.)

  MS. ODDI: How does one get to Jamaica from Cannes?

  HOTELIER: A bus comes every half hour for the airport. (points to the ceiling) Then you’re in the sky.

  SCENE 10

  A bus that says AIRPORT across the front carries along MS. ODDI and THE HANDSOME MAN. They are not sitting together. The music continues.

  SCENE 11

  In front of the Paris hotel. MR. SING stands at its entrance. MRS. SING comes up the walk with her suitcase.

  MRS. SING: I’m sorry.

  MR. SING: You have shamed me and you have shamed your son, and you have shamed yourself!

  MRS. SING: Did they find him?

  MR. SING: No.

  (They look at each other. MRS. SING wants to go into the hotel—tries to push past her husband—but he won’t let her through.)

  MRS. SING: Please let me in. I am very tired.

  MR. SING: You cannot go inside!

  MRS. SING: Why not?

  MR. SING: Because I have told them not to let you in here! How am I to consider you a wife? No, you go and find the hotel that accepts such wives. This hotel would never!

  (MRS. SING tries to touch him; he pushes her away.)

  MR. SING: I was going to give you a good shake! I can give it to you anyways!

  (He gives her a rough shake.)

  MR. SING: (while shaking her, frustrated) This is the least of my concerns, shaking you!

  (MRS. SING notices something in the distance.)

  MRS. SING: I think it’s Daniel!

  MR. SING: Where? Daniel!

  (They watch as two CONSTABLES come in, holding DANIEL between them. DANIEL is handcuffed. They uncuff him, shove him.)

  MRS. SING: Daniel!

  CONSTABLE 1: Tell your parents where you’ve been.

  DANIEL: No.

  MR. SING: Tell us, Daniel!

  DANIEL: No.

  CONSTABLE 2: We found him in the gutter!

  MRS. SING: (aghast) The gutter!

  DANIEL: In fact, I was standing on a corner.

  MR. SING: Don’t talk back!

  CONSTABLE 2: Going to disrespect your mother, eh?

  (CONSTABLE 2 slugs him.)

  MR. SING: We have been sick! Where did you go!

  CONSTABLE 2: Are you going to tell your father where you were?

  DANIEL: No.

  (CONSTABLE 2 punches him in the stomach.)

  MRS. SING: Who were you were with!

  CONSTABLE 2: Are you going to tell them who you were with, you little maggot?

  (CONSTABLE 2 shoves him to the ground and stands over him, then kicks him.)

  CONSTABLE 2: You shit.

  MRS. SING: Where were you!

  (CONSTABLE 2 kicks him again.)

  CONSTABLE 2: The shit.

  MR. SING: He ran away.

  CONSTABLE 1: He’s yours again. Should we leave him?

  MR. SING: Yes, do.

  (CONSTABLE 1 kicks DANIEL in the side. CONSTABLE 2 turns and spits on him. They exit. MR. SING grabs MRS. SING’s arm and they go into the hotel. DANIEL lies there. He picks a cigarette from inside his jacket and lights it, then smokes it.)

  DANIEL: I went to a whorehouse… I walked along the Seine. Of course they didn’t let me sleep with any of the ladies. I had no money. Still, I thought, there’s a lot I can do without any money. I know my worth. I’m handsome. Stranger things have happened than a thirteen-year-old boy getting by on his own. This is what life is all about, I thought—survival, what they mean by survival. I could have gone on forever, could have lived like that forever. Everything I needed… I found it. It was perfect. You don’t truly feel alive until you’re a grown-up, until you really have to survive. Until you’re a grown-up, you have no idea what life is. But man, I know it now. You can’t rest for a second. You can’t let yourself go for a moment. Like a soldier—like a wild animal. Everything matters. You slip up, you’re dead. Step off the wrong curb, you’re dead. Being a grown-up is great. Tense, like a fighter. None of this fooling around. All of it matters. Everything you do is important; it’s life or death. None of this bullshit playing around, kid stuff. Pure adrenalin, being a grown-up. You look the wrong way, you die. No one’s going to tell you which way to look. It’s up to you. All in your hands. Yeah, they’ve got it, grown-ups, the secret of life. They’re holding it all in their hands. And it’s great, the world. I love it. It’s great.

  (DANIEL begins to sing this song, or maybe DAN does, or both, or one then the other. It is c
lear now, once and for all, that DANIEL and DAN are the same person.)

  “Daniel’s Song”

  I thought I was on the inside

  But now I know it’s all a secret

  The three of us together forever in debt

  I sat down and took a number

  At the table where death resides

  Borrowed an ascot to cover my eyes

  From the fame that awaited

  Now these beautiful days just seem dated…

  (The guitar strumming continues over the next scene.)

  SCENE 12

  JENNY and DANIEL sit on the steps of the hotel. It is early evening. JENNY’s bags are beside her. PLURABELLE, in rattier clothes, moves past them, sweeping. DANIEL tries to be attentive. He has a more grown-up air. JENNY seems young by comparison. There’s something stunted about her now, stupid, hysterical, trying to cover up everything inside.

  JENNY: We’re going home soon.

  DANIEL: Good. Good for you.

  JENNY: We couldn’t find her but my dad said she’d come back. I thought we were going to stay in Paris until we found her but my dad said we should just go home and that she’d know to find us there.

  DANIEL: Why not?

  JENNY: It makes sense. She knows that’s our home much better than she knows that this is our home. This is not our home, this is just the hotel we were staying in.

  DANIEL: Sure, it was a vacation.

  JENNY: Yes, just where we were staying on our vacation. It’s not our home like back home is, where our school is. This is not our home the way that that is our home.

  DANIEL: (tired of this) Yes Jenny, I understand. Your home is in Cedervale, not here in Paris.

  JENNY: Right, and same with my mother.

  DANIEL: And same with your father.

  JENNY: That’s all I was saying. Whatever. I don’t care. It’s not like I care.

  (She takes out a balloon and tries to blow it up. Laughs nervously. It won’t inflate.)

  JENNY: Oh shit. Oh shit. It’s not working.

  DANIEL: Here, let me.

  JENNY: No, no. No, no.

  (She begins blowing it up again, unsuccessful as before.)

  JENNY: I have to do it myself. (continues blowing it) I can do it.