Winter

by Michelle Love

  Wait! That’s what got me in trouble with her last time!

  Okay, I back up and place my hand lightly on her waist. She knows I’m here and I know she’s here. So she shouldn’t get upset if she has to get up to go to the bathroom.

  No punching or leaving should have to take place if I give her the space she needs. Little by little I will invade that large space she thinks she needs around her at most times. Little by little that fear of me leaving her will go away.

  I hope so anyway!

  Her tendency to push people away seems to be breaking down a little. She’s stayed close with Peyton and seems to tolerate Kip just fine. She talks to Max often, and that’s a start to opening up and letting people in. Now I just have to secure the most precious place in her for me to reside in.

  How hard could it be?

  Rachelle

  The room is pitch black and I’m afraid. The bed I lay in is not mine. Mine is soft and small with little blankets all over it. This one is larger than mine and the blanket is scratching my skin.

  Too many people I can hear breathing in the room. I sit up and look all around, finding bed after bed with other kids in them. They all sleep under the same type of gray scratchy blanket I do.

  A dim light I see from far away. I wonder if that’s where my mommy is. She came, and we sat in a room then she left me with a lady and now I don’t know where my mommy is.

  I get up and walk towards the light. Someone sits up in their bed and looks at me then yells, “Hey! Get back in that bed!”

  I turn and run as fast as my small feet will take me to get back into the hard and scratchy bed. I push my face into the pillow. ‘I cannot cry.’ I tell myself.

  My mommy will be back to get me. She must have had something so important to do and she left me here with some people to take care of me while she takes care of that.

  I just know she’ll be back soon. The only light that was shining is gone and I’m afraid of the dark. Didn’t she tell them that I’m afraid of the dark and that I need my Scooby Doo night light? The one Grandpa gave me. I need it. I need it right now.

  The scratchy blanket I pull over my head and try to close my eyes, but they won’t close. I need my mommy. I’ll just lie here under this blanket and wait until she comes to get me. It shouldn’t be much longer. I’ve been here too long already.

  Two times I’ve eaten breakfast here in this place full of kids. She’ll be back soon. I just know she will.

  Sitting up in the bed, I have to look around to see where I’m at. The bed’s not mine!

  I look over and see Blake sleeping next to me.

  Oh yeah! I told Blake I love him!

  Oh, God! Why did I do that?

  I don’t know what love is. Why would I tell him such a thing?

  Slipping silently out of the bed. I find my bathing suit and the cover up I had on and slip them on. My purse and car keys are on the dresser so I quietly take them and leave the room.

  I have to get the hell out of here!

  Blake

  Please let her be in the bathroom!

  I opened my eyes all set to see my sweet Rachelle, and all I found was an empty space. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom, but she’s not here. Going back to the bedroom I look on the dresser where I saw her purse last, and it’s gone.

  Shit!

  I pull my clothes back on as fast as I can and head out to get into my rental car and go to her apartment. She has to be there. Maybe she just didn’t want to wake me up but wanted to go home and get cleaned up.

  As I start my car. I decide to call her before I take off. The phone rings once then goes straight to voice mail. She’s forwarding my calls. That is not good.

  Putting her address into the cars GPS, I try hard not to drive like a crazy man. It’s hard to know exactly what I did wrong this time to send her running.

  Maybe the way I made love to her was to intense, too kinky. Maybe I fucked up and held her tight again after I fell asleep and that set her off. Maybe she just really doesn’t love me.

  She told me she wanted to only be friends with benefits. She drank some and maybe only wanted to have sex with me and told me what she had to, to make that happen.

  Could she really be that callous?

  I pull up to her apartment and her car isn’t here. Probably a good idea to knock anyway so I get out and go pound on the door. No one answers and then the neighbor walks out.

  He’s in shorts and a shirt with really messed up brown hair. “Dude, she came and left. You missed her.”

  “You sure? I mean I was with her last night and she couldn’t have left that long ago,” I say as I check the guy out. He must be the noisy gamer she talked about.

  “I’m sure,” he says as he shifts his massive weight from one foot to the other. “I heard her slam into her apartment about an hour ago. Then only like fifteen minutes later she took off. I peeked out the window and saw she had a suitcase with her.”

  “She’s left town,” I mumble then turn back. “Thanks, guy.”

  “Not a problem, dude.”

  My heart is melting inside me. The beats sound mushy and my head feels light and airy. She left. Why would she leave?

  Where would she go?

  Why should I care anymore?

  Rachelle

  The tall trees cover the gravel road I run down as I call out over and over again for my mommy. She must be lost and I need to find her before anything bad happens to her.

  “Mommy! Where are you, Mommy? I need you, please come out and see me!”

  The sound of footsteps running up behind me has me skidding to a stop and I turn to see the lady who has been taking care of me and all the other kids. She’s frowning at me. “Rachelle! Sweetheart, what are you doing?”

  She scoops me up in her arms and starts walking back to the place I ran from. I don’t want to go back. “I need to find my Mommy. She must be lost. She should be back by now. Please let me go find her, nice lady.”

  “Honey, she won’t be back for quite some time. A long time, in fact. You have a new home here with us, Shelly.” She pushes my hair back, and a boy comes running up to us.

  “Hey, good you found her. I was worried sick about her.” He runs his hand over my head and he smiles at me. “Don’t run off no more, Shelly. Promise me.”

  “Who are you?” I ask the boy.

  “My name’s Randy, and I’m your big brother from now on, Shelly. If you think you have to do something then let me know and I’ll help you. That’s what big brothers are for after all.”

  The nice lady puts me down and the nice boy named Randy takes my hand and takes me in the house and makes me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk. He sits down with me and we eat our sandwiches.

  “Where’s my Mommy, Randy?”

  He messes up my hair and smiles. “Don’t worry about her or where she is. The thing you need to think about is how great it is that you’re here with us and safe. Really safe. No one will hurt you or leave you while you’re here, Shelly.”

  “How do you know my Mommy used to hurt me?” I ask.

  “Cause that’s what has happened to all of us kids here in this place we call home now. Our parents hurt us and left us, but at least we have this place and each other.”

  “Thanks, Randy. I like you and you have pretty eyes.”

  “So do you squirt? I like you, too. You’re going to make a great little sister.”

  Something shakes me and I turn me head. “What? Who are you?” I ask in confusion.

  A short, dark haired man looks at me. “I’m the guy sitting next to you on the plane to Austin, Texas. You said hello to me before you fell asleep. Don’t you remember that?”

  “Oh, yeah,” I say as I shake my head.

  “I woke you up because you were jerking around and murmuring the word, mommy, a lot. You okay?” he asks with a look of concern on his face.

  Am I okay?

  “Not really. Thanks for waking me up though. Old memorie
s I try to keep away from keep popping up in my dreams. Don’t you just hate when that happens?”

  The expression on his face tells me he’s thinking I’m a little off. “You should probably try to deal with those memories rather than trying to keep them away. That’s very unhealthy. Have you seen someone about that?”

  My eyebrows shoot up and I just turn away from the man. I mean, what an asshole, asking such a question to a complete stranger. I guess no one taught him how to keep his opinions to himself.

  I look out the window, the sun is shining bright and I have a couple of weeks before school starts back up. I wonder if Blake will leave. I wonder if he’ll go back to Lubbock.

  I wonder if he hates me.

  Part 5 Hard Luck

  Blake

  Bright sunshine blinds me as I drive away from Rachelle’s little apartment. One glance into the rear view mirror and I look at her place, most likely for the last time ever. I’ve called her and called her, but she sends me straight to voicemail.

  My body burns as I remember how we had made love last night and into the early morning hours. I know she feels the same way I do. I just don’t know how she could leave me like this.

  I make my way back to my hotel. Kip and Peyton should be told she’s left. Maybe Peyton even knows why and where. With a tap on my cell I call Kip.

  After three rings, he answers. “Yeah mate, we’ll be down to breakfast shortly. Not exactly done with our alone time yet.”

  “I see,” I say. “I just wanted to let you know that Rachelle left and when I woke up I went to her apartment but it seems she grabbed a suitcase and left. At least that’s what her neighbor told me.”

  “That damn girl! Peyton, you have to have some words with that girl. She’s doing such crazy things!” Kip huffs and then sighs. “Poor, little thing.”

  “Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for last night and stuff. I’ll be heading back to Lubbock today. I just need to get my life going and it’s not going to include her anymore.”

  Peyton chimes in, “Let us know when you get back home safely, Blake. You’re still our friend no matter what happens with you and Rachelle.”

  “Thanks, you two. You really are wonderful people and it’s a pleasure to know you. I’ll call when I get home. Goodbye.” I end the call and feel like I’m dead inside.

  I wonder if this is what Rachelle feels like since her mother abandoned her all those years ago. I wonder if it ever goes away.

  Rachelle

  “Thanks for picking me up Grandpa,” I say as he drives me out to their home.

  “Not a problem, Shell. Always glad to have you back home. Los Angeles isn’t your home. This is.” He reaches over and pats the back of my hand and offers me a smile. “So, who’s the fella you’re running away from this time?”

  I jerk my head to look at him and my mouth falls open. “What makes you think there’s a man I’m running from?”

  “You and your mother both do the same thing. When you feel threatened with commitment you both run back home. She’s there now as a matter of fact.” He looks at me as he says the last words.

  I’m sure my face goes into the usual state of no emotion. She’s the last person I wanted to see. It’s pretty obvious what she did to me has me unable to form relationships and now I have to see her, to hang out with her.

  No!

  “Grandpa, I had no idea she was here. I’d rather not see her. I’d rather not deal with her. Is she drunk yet, today?”

  “She’s quit drinking. For now, at least,” he says with a shrug. “You never know how long that will last. I need to tell you something, Shell. It’s been a family secret for far too long. Your mom hasn’t always had it so easy. You see, your grandmother is not her real mother.”

  My jaw drops and I gasp. “What? What do you mean?”

  “When your mother was four, her mother, who was not my wife, was killed in a car accident. Your mother was with her and Tabitha survived. Somehow she always thought it was her fault as she was having a temper tantrum because she wanted to go play at the park, but her mother was too busy to stop that day.” He looks at me with sad eyes.

  “You two weren’t married?” I ask in complete confusion.

  He shakes his gray head and frowns. “I’ve always been married to the woman you know as your grandmother. I was contacted by the hospital about Tabitha being in the wreck, because I did sign her birth certificate, giving her my last name. I’d been to see her a handful of times, but I never did take care of her, or her mother, Coleen.”

  “Grandpa, no!” I say in disappointment. “You were a deadbeat dad?”

  “I was.” He nods. “Anyway, I had never told my wife about the little affair and who came from it. But I had no real choice after Coleen died. I told the woman you know as your grandmother about it and how I had a daughter who needed me. She was the saint she always is, and she accepted your mother like she was her own.”

  “Grandma never had any children then. Mom’s an only child, just like me.” I shift in my seat to look at my grandfather.

  “We had a baby when we first were married. A little girl. We named her Ashley, and she died in her crib one night when she was six months old. They called it Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Your grandmother was hurt beyond anything one can imagine. She got on birth control and stayed on it, vowing she’d never go through that kind of pain again. Five years later your mother came to live with us. We were strangers to her. She didn’t remember me at all. I hadn’t seen her since she was two-years-old.”

  “That’s so sad, Grandpa. I had no idea. Mom had a young life, much like mine then.” I look out the window to contemplate all he’s told me.

  I murmur, “She must’ve been so afraid. Poor little girl. She saw her mother die and thought it was her fault. No wonder she drinks, no wonder she’s done drugs, no wonder she feels she’s not worthy of anyone being in her life, including me.”

  “There’s more, Shell. I know who your father is. He’s not a good man, anymore, but he was once. When your mother was younger, and she hadn’t started collecting assholes, pardon my French, she was the high school sweetheart of a nice young man.”

  “My father! She always said she had no idea of who it might be! Does he live in Round Rock?” My heart is jumping up and down in my chest with excitement.

  I may get to meet my father!

  Grandpa makes my heart fall in an instant. “He’s not a good man anymore, Shell. He was once, but your mother messed with his mind and heart one too many times and it broke him. He does live in Round Rock and you’ve seen the man many times.”

  “I have?” I ask in amazement. “When, where?”

  “You know the man who looks like he’s about a hundred-years-old and lives under the bridge just off the interstate and the exit after ours?” he asks as he looks over at me.

  I nod because I do know the man he’s talking about and it makes my stomach lurch. “How could he ever have been a good man, Grandpa? For the love of all that’s holy. He always has pee stains on his filthy pants and looks like he’s never seen a bit of water or soap for that matter. He’s a beggar, a homeless bum.”

  “That man is Rodney Holmes, and until you were a year old, he was the starting quarterback for the high school football team. Your mother was a clarinet player in the marching band and they were a sweet young couple. Until your mom got pregnant that is.”

  “It all changed then. He didn’t want kids at that young age, did he? He dumped Mom, didn’t he?” I ask with a knowing look in my eyes.

  Of course he dumped her then.

  “He asked your mother to marry him. He begged her too as a matter of fact. Your mother ran away then. We had no idea where she went or who she was with. She stayed gone, and we only found her a year after we found you in that children’s home.” He looks out his side window as he takes the exit off the highway to his home.

  “Rodney came by often to see if we had heard anything. He swore he’d never bother her, he just wanted to
know if she was okay and if you had been born yet. Things we didn’t know. Things we wished we did know, desperately.” His eyes glisten with unshed tears at the memory.

  “So, Mom just left with me in her stomach? I just can’t imagine why she’d want to do such a thing all on her own.” My mind spins with all this new information.

  “I have no idea, Shell. Well, one day, Rodney came and saw us and told us she had called him from a private phone number. She told him he had a daughter, but she told him your name was Connie for some reason. He said he begged her to let him know where she was. He begged her to come back to him or at least to us. She refused, got angry and hung up on him.”

  My grandfather’s words ring in my hollow chest. It was me who became so angry to find Blake holding me tightly as we slept that one night. I was mad because he was showing me how he wanted to protect me. I’m a fool just like my mother.

  “So, my father is a homeless person who is crazy and my mother is also crazy and I’m not real far behind them.” I look out the window and watch the city turn into the countryside.

  In silence we ride to my grandparent’s home. He’s told me all I need to know. It’s really quite useless to try to live a normal life. My parents never could figure out how to. What makes me so special I can figure it out?

  Blake’s better off without my crazy ass.

  Blake

  Weary and beaten down, I walk into my little house in Lubbock. It’s late, and the house is pitch black. I turn on the living room light and see my gym stuff there. Though exhausted, I know I’ll not be able to sleep.

  I miss her so damn bad.

  I yank off my shirt and drop my jeans, stepping out of my shoes, I start my workout. Clad only in my tight, black boxer briefs, I pump some iron to rid my mind of her.

  After thirty minutes of intensely working out, a knock comes at my door. It’s two in the morning so I have to wonder who it could be. I look out the window as I turn on the porch light and see Josh, my next door neighbor.