Winter

by Michelle Love

  I open the door and he smiles at me. “I noticed the light on and wondered if someone broke in here to use your equipment, but it’s just you. When did you get in?”

  “About half an hour ago. I’d ask you to come in, but I’m a bit of a grump right now. No one should be subjected to me in this lousy-ass mood.”

  He gives me a nod. “Okay, I just wanted to be a good neighbor and make sure no one was breaking in.” He reaches for something at the edge of the door frame and pulls out a baseball bat.

  “You came packing, huh?” I ask with a chuckle.

  He turns away and looks over his shoulder at me. “Well, I had to bring something to hit the bad guys with, if there were any. Have a good night, Blake. You should come and eat breakfast with us in the morning. I don’t like you being alone when you feel so bad.”

  “I’ll think about it. Thanks for the invite. What time will it be served so I can let you know ahead of time if I’m coming or not?”

  He stops and turns around. “Tell you what, Blake, we can whip up some eggs and bacon just about any time you want to get up. How’s that? See you when you get ready tomorrow, buddy. Get some sleep, you look dog tired.”

  He walks away and I say, “Thanks, you guy, for always watching out for me.”

  I lock up the door and walk to my old bedroom. The posters on the walls are from my high school years. Hot chicks in them all.

  I think it’s time to get rid of the past. I think it’s time to move onto other things. With a rip, I take the first one down and crumple it up. Then the others follow as I take my boyhood bedroom down to the bare walls and make a vow to myself to get this place fixed up so I can sell it and move on with my life.

  Rachelle

  I’ve borrowed Grandpa’s old pickup truck and decided to go visit Max. My presence in my grandparent’s home set my mother off, and she started drinking heavily again.

  It’s best to let her have the help of her parents. She needs them a lot more than I ever realized. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about any of the things Grandpa told me.

  One of the reasons is I didn’t know how she would handle all that truth out there. She’s only ever told me lies about it all, so it may be she doesn’t even remember the truth anymore. I saw no use in starting what might have been a huge argument between her and her father.

  Curiosity has me cruising by the overpass my father lives under. I bought some food for breakfast for him. A few pigs in a blanket, a couple of sausage biscuits and a large bottle of orange juice, and apple juice, and a few bottles of water.

  Okay, it is literally a grocery bag full of things. I have an illness apparently to help people. It’s a gift and an affliction.

  I slow to a stop. It’s pretty early I would assume for a bum to be awake. But I see eyes peeking out from behind the berm at the very top of the steep incline.

  Opening my door, I get out and hold the bag up. He sits up and motions for me to come up to him. Which is most likely the most dangerous thing I could ever do, but the man is my father and I think God will watch over me to do this thing I feel I must do.

  “Hi,” I say with a quivering voice. I didn’t realize how scared I was until I opened my mouth.

  Reaching back into the truck I grab a blanket I brought from my bedroom at my grandparents and a coat I took from the coat closet. It’s one Grandpa has had many years, and he has plenty more. I’ll let him know I took it later on.

  He’d have stopped me from coming here if I had told him before-hand. He made it clear the man is nuts and not to be trusted. For reasons I couldn’t get out of him, he thinks my father is dangerous.

  With the large bag of food in one hand and the blanket and coat in the other, I walk up the steep incline to where the man who is my father waits. I can smell the urine from here and I have to fight down a gag reflex.

  His eyes are a light gray and his skin is filthy. My heart stops beating as I really look at the man we all called the Round Rock, Looney. I swallow hard to get the knot out of my throat.

  Holding out the things to him, I say, “Hello, Rodney. I brought you some food for your breakfast this morning. I thought you might like an extra blanket and a coat. There’s a cold front coming in later this evening and I didn’t know if you had anything to keep you warm or not. I opted to bring them anyway, just in case. A person can never have too many blankets or coats, I think.”

  He stares at me and the way his eyes dart quickly back and forth makes my insides tighten as if I’m getting ready to be punched in the stomach or something.

  With a deep and gravelly voice, he says, “You know my name.” He looks past me at the old truck.

  I suddenly realize that my grandfather had the truck a few years before I was even born. Rodney must recognize it. For some reason that fills me with fear.

  “My grandfather told it to me. Anyway, I just wanted to give you these things. Bye now,” I turn to leave as fear is coursing through my veins.

  “How is she?” he asks. I freeze in my tracks. “Your mother. How is she?”

  I turn slowly back and see he’s come out and is standing only steps from me. “She’s okay. Not great, not stable, but she’s alive, and that’s something, don’t you think?”

  “She used to drive that truck you’re driving. You look like her and a little like my mother.” Tears glisten in his grey eyes. “I never meant for things to happen like they did. I always wanted her and you. I hope one day you can forgive me.”

  He’s a filthy mess of a human being and I know he must be riddled with lice and God knows what else but I have to do it. “Can I hug you?”

  He holds his arms out and I come to him and wrap my arms around him as he does me. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be stronger.” His words come out soft.

  “It’s okay. I forgive you. I can help you if you want. I can get a place for you to live. I know people who can help me do that for you,” I say and feel my body shaking with some kind of crazy emotion I’ve never felt before.

  “No. Thanks though.” He lets me go and I step back. It’s crazy how his stench no longer makes me want to gag. It just smells like him and that’s okay for some damn reason.

  “But, this is no way to live,” I say as I gesture to the underpass.

  “It’s all I’ve known since that day. Don’t worry about me. If you want to help anyone, help her. She needs it more than I do. She always has.” He turns back and goes to sit down way at the top.

  “She has a place to stay inside out of the weather. She has a mother and a father to take care of her when she lets them,” I tell him. “Tell me why you would do this to yourself over a woman like her.”

  “She wasn’t always this way. Once she was sweet and full of love. Somehow, getting pregnant with you changed her.” His eyes narrow a bit as he looks at me. “I hated you for a long time.”

  The fear creeps back in as his eyes go icy and his body tenses as if he might be getting ready to spring at me. “I understand. I’m sorry. I’ll let you get back to your life here. Goodbye.”

  I turn and walk away. He shouts out, “Thanks, kid.”

  I wave without looking back. Into the truck I go and pull away from the side of the road. Something hits the back window and shatters against the thick glass. Orange is sprayed everywhere. I look in the rear view mirror to see my father standing in the middle of the road.

  He’s flipping me off with both hands. Yelling incoherently curse words and screaming my mother’s name.

  My body aches with the knowledge that she did that to him. I feel bad for them both, but mostly I feel bad for me. They are my gene-pool, those are the closest people to me in this entire world and I’m lonelier than I think I’ve ever been.

  Max

  Orange fills the sky as the sun sets behind her. Head hung low and shoulders drooping, Rachelle walks away from an old, blue, Ford truck. Zane pushes through my legs as he sees her.

  He turns back to look at me. “What’s a matter wif Chellie, Daddy?�
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  “She’s sad. Go give her a hug. That should brighten her up some, Zane.”

  He takes off running towards her and she lifts her head to look at him as he shouts, “Chellie! Chellie! You’re here!”

  She smiles and I can see it’s despite herself. She opens her arms up and he flies into them. He kisses her cheek, and she runs her hand over his little head. “Hey, cutie. Miss me?” she asks him.

  “I did,” he says then he leans down and sniffs her shoulder. “Chellie, you stink.”

  She laughs a light laugh that’s full of sadness. “I know I do. I met someone earlier and even though he smelled awful, I gave him a hug.”

  “You should not have done that, Chellie.” Zane leans way back from her and wiggles for her to put him down. She does, and he says, “Why you want to hug a stinky person?”

  I wrap my arm around her sagging shoulders and lead her into our home. “Maybe she felt like the person needed it, or perhaps she’s the one who needed it.” I kiss the side of her head and take her down the long entry hall. Zane takes her hand as he looks up at her with concern in his eyes.

  “I had a dream and I remember what your name used to be, Max,” she tells me. “You were Randy once. You were my older brother, and you were really nice to me. I ran to find my mother, and you helped me. You made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk and you made me feel a lot better in that awful time.”

  “Hilda makes the best. I’m going to get her to make us a couple of them and then you and I can have a talk about why your sweet, little face has so much sorrow running over it.” I pull her along with me to say hello to Lexi and the other kids.

  Lexi’s eyes light up as we go into the playroom where she’s watching the other two children. They quickly dim as she sees the state Rachelle is in. She gets up and come to us.

  She pulls Rachelle into her arms and Rachelle bursts into tears. I nod at Lexi and she takes her from the room. Zane looks up at me as they leave.

  “Daddy, what’s made her so sad?” He loops his little hand into mine.

  “I don’t know yet. But she had a hard life just like Daddy did when he was a kid. But Mommy and Daddy are going to try to help her.” I tussle his blonde locks. “She’ll be okay, buddy. Don’t you worry.”

  “Okay, Daddy. I’ll try not to.” He goes to play with Zoey as she runs her Barbie Jeep all over the floor.

  I watch my three children play on the floor of the large room and wonder how some parents can do things to their children like abandon them. A day without seeing my kids’ faces is a day I’ve lost forever.

  Blake

  Pumping iron for the third time today, I jump as my cell phone rings. I drop the weight and answer the call. “Hey, Max. How’s it going, buddy?”

  “Good. I just wanted to let you know that Rachelle is here with us. She told us how she took off from you and I just wanted you to know she’s safe,” he says.

  “I guess I’m glad to hear that,” I say. “Did she mention why the hell she did that to me. Not that it matters one bit, but I’d like to know.”

  “Mostly because she’s a mess right now. See, she and I have similar issues. While Lexi has helped me immensely, I still have to fight the urge to push her away at times. Our kids help me to stabilize those fleeting emotions, but I do fight them from time to time.”

  “Well, I can’t live like that. I can’t live the way life would be with her. I love her. I mean, I loved her. I’m sure one day I won’t anymore, anyway,” I say and pick up a little weight and curl it up to my chin a few times.

  “She found out who her father is,” Max says and my heart stops.

  “She said her mother didn’t know who it was.”

  “She lied to her, like she did about so many things. Rachelle’s grandfather let her in on a lot of family secrets. Turns out Rachelle’s father was once a good kid. A high school football player and he and her mother were a couple for several years. They got pregnant in their senior year and her mother ran away,” Max says.

  I put the weight down and ask, “Did she talk to him?”

  “She did,” he says, “He went a bit mad it seems and lives under a bridge or something in her hometown of Round Rock. She went to see him and it seems things were awkward and really odd, but I would assume the man is completely mentally unstable as he lives under a bridge for the love of God.”

  “Why would she go to see him?” I ask in disbelief. “That was dangerous. The girl isn’t sensible. She could’ve been hurt or worse.” I slam my fist on the bar and the set of dishes I’ve been packing to give to the charity store shake and make a jingling sound as they bounce against one another.

  She’s so small and fragile and she went to see a crazy man. What’s wrong with her?

  “She could have,” he says. “Lexi and I both talked to her about never doing that again. At least not all alone. She said he threw a glass bottle of orange juice she gave him at the back window of her grandfather’s old truck. He was shouting obscenities as she drove away and screaming her mother’s name. But the first part of their meeting was okay, she said.”

  “Good, God! That woman is nuts.”

  “That’s exactly what she’s afraid of, Blake. She’s afraid she’s crazy, just like her parents. She isn’t of course, but she fears she has no chance of living a normal life. A life you are entitled to, according to her.” He makes a long pause then he says, “She talks about you a lot. She’s very much in love with you.”

  I sigh. “You aren’t helping me, Max.”

  “Sorry. Guess I thought you might still care for her. I suppose she did burn her bridge with you, just as she was afraid she did. I understand. I really do. Most people wouldn’t want to deal with the things that come along with loving a person with abandonment issues.” He clears his throat. “The pulling with one hand and pushing with the other. I get it, it’s enough to make a man crazy.”

  “It is! It really is!” I start to pace for some damn reason. “I mean I have no idea of what to expect. One minute it’s ‘I love you, Blake,’ the next I’m looking around for where the little lunatic has run off too. It’s just too much, Max. I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I’ll go crazy myself.”

  “I get it, Blake. You don’t have to explain things to me. The things Lexi and I put each other through were awful. I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Stay where you are, stay away from the girl, she’s bad news wrapped in a pretty package.” He draws in a deep breath. “Leave her to her own kind. People with these issues tend to come together. Let someone just like her deal with her lunacy.”

  His words sting and make me feel selfish. “I’m glad you understand. Let me know if she needs anything. I mean anything. I do care for her. Fuck! I love her. Anyway, let me know if she needs anything at all, Max.”

  “I will. Talk to you later, bye.” He ends the call and I gulp down the beer I had.

  I wonder if she could ever trust me. I wonder if she knows I’d stand by her no matter what. I wonder if she’ll ever give me the chance to prove that to her.

  The last box of my parents’ things I carry out to my truck and get in to haul them all to the charity store. Now that I have all of their things out, it’s time to start the remodel. I want this little house to look great with all the newest bells and whistles before I find a nice family who really needs it to give it to.

  Rachelle

  I’ve been with Max and Lexi for three days now and they’ve said some really powerful things to me. The way I’ve lived my life doesn’t have to be the way I continue to live it.

  Being alone has always been more comfortable to me than being with someone. Now I see why. I learned how to self sooth, and not in a good way.

  When people wanted to be in my life or help me, I pushed them away. I always thought that I could do it all on my own. I had managed to survive my mother and then I lived after she left me with a group of strangers.

  I always looked at myself as a tough, little chick who could handle anything that w
as thrown at her. And I could do it completely on my own.

  Kip and Peyton have begged me to come and be their personal chef and I refuse to do it. Merely on the principal of them paying me more than I am worth.

  Max and Lexi have made me realize it’s not me who decides what I’m worth. It’s the people who care for me that do that. If Kip and Peyton feel I’m worth all they want to give me in order for me to work for them then I should take it, if it’s something I want to do.

  I really want my own restaurant. And I really want to make enough money to get that. I also really want Blake in my life. But I messed that up and I have to accept that.

  Burning bridges seems to be a thing people with my issues do. I should really learn to stop doing that, but I don’t know if it’s even possible. Seems neither one of my parents learned how, so what are my chances?

  A knock comes to my bedroom door and a little boy’s voice calls out, “Chellie, wanna pway wif me?”

  I hop off the bed and go open the door to find little Zane with a tiny fistful of wildflowers. He holds them up and I pick him up in my arms and take them.

  “How sweet, Zane. Of course I’d love to play with you. What are we going to play?” I carry him down the stairs and find his sister waiting for us with a net in her hand.

  “We’re gonna catch some fireflies and put ‘em in a jar. Wanna help?” Zoey asks.

  “I sure do,” I say as I get to the bottom step and put Zane down. One grabs one hand and one takes the other and they lead me out into the darkening night to catch some fireflies.

  Lexi and Max are sitting on the patio as Zakk plays in the sandbox near them. After I run around with the twins, grabbing up the little bugs, we place them in the jar and go sit down with their parents.

  Max gets up and takes me by the hand and pulls me inside with him.