Winter

by Michelle Love

  Peyton gives me a look that tells me to cut the bullshit. “Duh! The big date. I want details, Shell.”

  I sit down and open the Styrofoam lid and check out the food. Presentation is appalling, but the green and red bell peppers are yummy looking. I take a bite and grab a little cup of the salsa to add to it.

  “Not much to tell,” I finally say as Peyton stares at me. “I won’t be doing that again for a long time. If ever again.”

  “The guy an ass or what?” Peyton asks as she cuts up Pax’s pancakes and he runs his fingers in the syrup and licks them. “Really Pax? You couldn’t wait for Mommy to help you?”

  He shakes his little blonde head and smiles as he continues to lick his chubby, little fingers. “Mmmmm,” he moans.

  “The guy was nice. He’s great really. I’m not ready, that’s all,” I say and take another bite of my food.

  “Call him, Shell,” Peyton says then takes a bite of her eggs and makes a face then grabs three cups of salsa and some cheese and dumps them all over the omelet. She takes another bite and nods. “Not nearly as good as yours, but what can I do? You won’t come work for us, so I’m forced to eat crap.”

  “I’ve had worse. Thank you, by the way. And call who?” I ask as I get up and get a wet cloth to de-sticky young Pax.

  “Don’t act as if you have no idea who I’m talking about. You don’t fool me. So, if the date went bad, why not call Blake?”

  “Because I didn’t tell you this because it’s humiliating,” I sit back down and take Pax’s hand and try to clean it as he tugs it, trying to place it back in the syrup. “I texted him, telling him that I was sorry and he never responded. I messed up too bad this last time. He’s done with me.”

  “I can’t believe you kept that a secret, Shell. I could’ve asked Kip to make sure Blake got the message. There is a chance he didn’t get it, you know.” She takes another bite and makes a face. “Please come work for us or at least teach me to cook.”

  “I’ll teach you to cook,” I say and she frowns. “I know you’d rather pay me to do it, but you should learn anyway. Never know when you may need the skill of cooking to take care of your growing little family you know.”

  “Well, text him again. Just say you wanted to see if he was having a nice day or something like that. It doesn’t have to be any more than a friendly reminder you still walk this Earth.” Peyton got up to get another wet cloth to clean her son up with. “Remind me to never give this child anything with syrup ever again.”

  “Syrup!” Pax shouts and puts his hand back in the sticky liquid. “Yummy!”

  I laugh and say, “Another real treat is how he’s going to be bouncing off the walls once that sugar hits him. You will be leaving soon, won’t you?”

  “Not a chance. We plan to hang out with you the whole day. I have noticed your eyes are a little swollen. Is that because the movie you saw was a tear jerker?” she asks me with a knowing look.

  “Sure, that’s why,” I say. “It definitely isn’t because I cried all the way home and half the night. That would be pathetic and I’m anything but that. Right?”

  “You aren’t pathetic, Shelly. Stubborn, bull headed, but not pathetic. So why not give Blake a little shout out?” Peyton picks Pax up and surveys the syrupy damage. “I’m afraid I need to borrow your bathtub.”

  We make our way to clean the kid up and I say, “I can’t take the rejection again. It’s too much for me to handle. With all the emotional turmoil of last night, I don’t want another day of stomach pain and burning eyes. It’s best to leave it all alone. One day I’ll get over him.”

  “Bet you don’t. I thought the same thing about Kip. There I was pregnant and way too proud and stubborn to even let him know he was going to be a father. I thought I had it all handled. Did I cry most nights? Well, sure I did, but I wasn’t going to let him know I missed him and needed him.” Peyton strips the clothes off her wiggly kid.

  I turn on the water and pour some bubbles in it for him. I have some bubbles for when I babysit him on the rare occasions they need me to. Pax points and laughs at the bubble on the label that has a smile on its face.

  “Bubbles! Yea! I wuv bubbles!” Pax climbs into the bathtub on his own and starts blowing the bubbles off his little hand.

  The noise of the water has us shouting to be heard over it and the delighted screams Pax is making as he plays with the magnificent invention, the bubble.

  “So did you let the Brit kiss you?” she asks.

  I nod. “It was not good.”

  “Really? I thought he’d be a great kisser. He’s handsome and tall and well built. Are you sure it was him who was the bad kisser and not you?” She nudges my ribs with her elbow.

  “He’s probably a fine kisser. I have issues. Too many damn issues.”

  “Damn issues! Haha,” Pax squeals.

  Peyton raises her eyebrows. “Kip’s going to know that was you.”

  “Man! He’s going to read me the riot act. Dang issues, Paxxi. Say it. Dang issues.”

  Paxxie laughs and the little two-year-old smiles like he’s done something so great. “Damn issues, Aunt Chewi! Haha!”

  I shake my head. “Tell Kip I’m sorry.”

  Peyton laughs. “Don’t sweat it. Kip dropped the ‘F’ bomb as he was watching a Rugby game and Pax picked it up.”

  “Oh, that’s so much worse than what I said!” I laugh and Peyton sighs.

  “Where is your old man anyway?” I ask as they are nearly inseparable.

  “He and Bobby are at some new recording studio. They’re checking it out so they can make one at our place. So I was left on my own and came to find you to bug all day, so I won’t be bored and eat. This baby has me hungry all the time.”

  “Thanks for coming over. I do need some company. I’ve been needing someone to help me make a decision about an invitation I got in the mail last week.” I leave the bathroom and go get the letter.

  I hand it to her and let her read it. “It’s from your old foster parents. Have you seen them since that brief stay you had there?”

  I shake my head and she looks back at the paper. “I’m torn about going. On one hand I think it would be good therapy for me to revisit the place I lost so much of myself at. But then again I worry about breaking down as I walk back through the house that seemed so alien to me when I was three.”

  “That would be traumatic to the other children wouldn’t it?” she asked.

  “It would and I’m not sure I can contain the raw emotions I get when I even think about those feelings I had back then. I blocked it for so long, it’s something that’s still sore in me.”

  Peyton touches my shoulder and strokes my hair. “You should go. Face what you fear so you can see it’s just a thing. Things can’t kill you. They can hurt only as much as you allow them to.”

  “Maybe you’re right. Maybe it would be better for me to go. I’d like to thank the people who were so nice to me in that tough time.” I look at Pax and wonder how in the world things can get so bad people could bring themselves to give their precious little children away.

  Peyton gets a grin on her face. “I’ll talk to Kip. He can fly us to my parent’s house in Smithville. You can borrow my old Jeep that’s still there and drive down to the tiny town it’s in. It’ll be fun. We can make a whole weekend out of it. Give you time to go visit your grandparents and your mother if she’s still at their place.”

  “That’s a lot of visiting in the matter of a few days, don’t you think?” I ask as I’m not sure about going.

  “It’s better that way. Inundate yourself in the things that make you uncomfortable. Soon enough, you’ll find comfort wherever you are.”

  I hope she’s right!

  Blake

  Max and I arrive in grand style to the reunion at the little children’s home. His helicopter is gorgeous and the children run to see it as we land. Max has promised to give every kid who wants to, a ride in the chopper. The kids are already forming a line.

  Ma
x laughs as he turns it off and we get out. “You’ll have to wait just a little while. I have to say hello to the people who raised me first.”

  We make our way through the kids who all shout hellos as they welcome us. One little boy tugs at my pants leg. I look down to find a little dark haired boy who looks to be about three smiling up at me.

  He holds his arms out and I pick him up. “And who do we have here?” I ask him.

  “Toby,” he says. “Did you make my swing?”

  “I bought your swing. You must like it,” I say and touch the tip of his cute little nose.

  “I love it! Wanna push me on it?”

  “Max, I’ll catch up with you later. Seems little Toby here needs some help on a swing,” I call out to Max who’s riding a wave of kids to the house his foster parents live in.

  I came here the one time with Max to give the people who run this place the donation we made. But I didn’t get to interact with any of the children. I find it funny I don’t really know what things I should not ask.

  I give the little boy a push. “So how are you liking it here?”

  “Fine,” he says as he giggles. “I was scared at first, but now I’m fine.”

  “How old are you, buddy?”

  “Almost four. Thanks for pushing me, mister.”

  “My name’s Blake. You can call me that, Toby.”

  The little guy is so brave and I find myself thinking about the first day he got here. He said he was scared and my heart nearly broke apart with the thought.

  The smell of burgers cooking on an open pit waft past my nose and I remember that I haven’t eaten anything all day. “Wanna go get a burger with me, Toby?”

  “Sure,” he says and I stop the swing so he can get off.

  He takes my hand immediately and my heart skips a beat. Man, I’d take this kid home with me if I could. What a little dude!

  The man at the pit who’s handing out the burgers gives me a smile. “Hey there. You must be Blake. Thanks for helping us make all this happen for these kids, son.” He hands me a burger and I hand it to Toby.

  The kid takes a big bite and a little ketchup gets on his cheek. I grab a napkin and wipe it off. With a mouth full of food, he says, “Thanks, Blake.”

  “I’m Mr. Strickland, kind of like the principal at this place. I keep the peace. Well, I try to anyway.” The older man hands me another burger then points. “Over there you can find some chips and drinks. Have a good time.”

  The little kid and I stroll over the direction he sent us and grab the other things then find a seat at a big table full of children. They all smile at me as I take a seat next to my new best bud, Toby.

  A little girl with glasses and red curls looks timidly at me from across the table. “You are Mr. Chandler, right?”

  “I am. And your name is?”

  “Sally.”

  Toby takes a drink of his soda and tells her, “He’s my new best friend. I get to call him Blake.”

  Sally looks away and seems a little sad for some reason. “Hey, why don’t you all call me Blake? Mr. Chandler sounds like some old guy.”

  The little girl smiles and takes a bite of her hotdog. With just a little smile she melts my heart. I’m going to have it rough hanging around this place with so many adorable little kids.

  One of the older boys with short blonde hair asks. “So you gotta helicopter too like Max?”

  With a shake of my head, I say, “Nah. I’m kind of new to this having lots of money thing. I haven’t even bought me a giant house yet. I still live in the same one I grew up in.”

  The kid says, “Man, if I was rich I’d have me a hot wife and a huge mansion and a helicopter. Just like Max does.”

  “He does know how to live, doesn’t he?” I ask the kid.

  “Yes, he does.” The boy walks by as he leaves the table. He pats my back. “So you don’t have a chopper or the big house yet. How about the hot girlfriend?”

  Damn! How do I tell all these little adoring kids that I don’t even have that?

  Rachelle

  Wind whips through my hair as I drive Peyton’s Jeep with the top off. The weather is beautiful and I need the pleasant distraction from all the thoughts that are flying through my head.

  The turn to the children’s home I make and soon find the little road that I ran down as a little kid, trying to go find my mother. My chest is a little tight but not too bad.

  Max will surely be here and I can lean on him and Lexi if I have to. Kids are everywhere as I go around the corner and the circle of houses comes into my view.

  I was so young I don’t remember any of this. I park and put the keys in my pocket and look around for Max. The tall, handsome man should stick out like a sore thumb around here.

  The sound of chopper blades cutting into the sky make me look up and there’s Max, with a kid hanging out the side of the machine in the seat he invented. He lands and someone runs up and gets the kid out of all the harnesses that hold him into the seat.

  Little screams of laughter fill my ears as the chopper goes quiet. I turn to see what little kid is so happy and what is making them that way.

  My heart stops.

  Why is he here?

  Blake is turning in circles as a little boy flies through the air. The kid is smiling nearly as much as Blake is.

  I have to lean against the Jeep to steady myself as my knees have decided to give out. It’s been a little over a month since I’ve seen that handsome face. That hair that hangs to his broad shoulders.

  My hands clench into fists as I fantasize about the last time we were together. The way he touched me, the way he kissed me, the way he loved me.

  And all I did for him was to leave him.

  In an instant my body goes hot and my face has to be fifty shades of red as he looks up and his eyes meet mine. I can’t seem to look away. But he does, and he turns away too and walks away with the little kid in tow.

  I can’t go in there now. I can’t face all this and the fact Blake hates me now too. Then an arm falls over my shoulders and warm lips kiss my cheek. “Hey there, sweetie. I’m so glad you decided to come.”

  Max moves me along with him towards the place where so many people are hobnobbing with each other. That’s not my ideal place to be. Add a man who wants nothing to do with me in and it becomes a place of night mares.

  “Max, why’s Blake here?” I manage to get to come out of my mouth. “I had no idea he’d be here.”

  “He donated quite a large sum of money for the improvements. So of course they wanted him here for the celebration. Did he see you?” he asks as we walk up to some man and I’m handed a hot dog.

  “He did, then he walked away. I guess he hates me.” I take a bite of the hotdog and chew it mindlessly.

  A little girl touches my leg and I look down to find her red curls in cute dog ears. “Hey, lady.”

  “Yes, can I help you with something?” I ask.

  “Yes, can you reach me a Dr. Pepper? They’re in the very bottom of the ice chest and I can’t reach it.” She takes my hand and leads me to a table with several large ice chests on them.

  Max follows along. “After you do that I want to take you inside to meet the people who took care of you that few weeks when you were little, Shelly.”

  “Okay,” I stuff the rest of the hotdog in my mouth and reach into the freezing water and dig around until I find the drink the little girl wants. “Here you go. I’m sorry, what’s your name?”

  “I’m Sally. Thanks lady.” She takes the coke and pops it open.

  “You can call me, Rachelle,” I tell her and she smiles.

  “You’re really nice, Rachelle.”

  I give her a half smile because I know at least one man here who would disagree with her. I scan the area and find Blake pushing, the same little boy he had been spinning around, in a swing. I look away as Max takes my arm and leads me towards the house.

  Looking hard at everything, I say, “I remembered the road on the way in. The way th
e trees covered it. I remembered that, but I don’t recall any of this.”

  “They did a massive overhaul of the place thanks to me and Blake. I doubt any of the house is what you would remember. How are you doing so far?” He opens the door for me and I walk inside.

  “I’m okay. I’ll be fine. I hope so anyway,” I mutter as I walk inside and see an old couple sitting on the sofa.

  Max gives them a smile and says, “This is Rachelle.”

  The old woman smiles. “I remember her, Randy. Come sit and tell me how you’ve been. I’ve talked to your young man several times. What a blessing he has been to this place.”

  “He’s not my young man,” I say and look up to find Blake and the little boy coming into the house.

  “And why’s that, sweetie?” she asks me.

  He’s looking straight at me and I can’t take my eyes off him. “Yeah, why is that?” Blake asks me.

  Blake

  Sitting side by side in the swings, Rachelle and I sit in silence. “Why’d you follow me out of there if you don’t want to talk?” I ask her.

  Her small shoulders shrug. I can’t take the silence from her anymore. I get up and walk away. I want to look back so bad to see what she’s doing, but I won’t let myself.

  “Blake!” she shouts.

  I look back and she’s coming towards me. Tears spill over her pink cheeks and she breaks into a run and throws herself into my arms. Wrapping her arms around me, she buries her head in my chest.

  Her hair is soft and falling free to her small waist. I run my hand over it. “Shh, it’s okay, Rachelle. You don’t have to cry.”

  “I didn’t know you’d be here. I would’ve never come if I would’ve known.”

  Her words hit my heart like ice and I push her back, gently. “I’ll leave if it hurts you this much.”

  Watery eyes look up at me. “Please don’t.”

  “You are a very complex person, baby. I’d ask you what you want me to do, but I know even you don’t have a clue what you want.”

  “Do you hate me?” she asks with her dark brows furrowed.