Winter

by Michelle Love

  “I’m sure it’s been hard to remember for you. When did you start to miss her?” I ask and listen intently.

  A long pause she makes. Her voice goes so soft I can almost not hear her. “The moment I saw her head hanging. The moment the four-year-old I was realized my mother was gone. That’s when I started missing her and I still do to this very day. It took a part of my soul. The part that loves, trusts, and believes this is a real life.”

  “But this is a real life, Mom,” I whisper.

  “You sure, Shelly?” she asks then I hear her take another three gulps of whatever she’s drinking. “I’m not so sure.”

  The idea I have so many crazy genes running through me makes me afraid, but I swallow hard and say, “I am sure, Mom. This is real life.”

  “Hmm, I wonder all the damn time,” she murmurs. “It’s kinda like my life stopped then, when I lost her. Is that what happened to you when I left you?”

  My heart stops. I never thought I’d get to talk to her about how I felt about that time in my life. “Yeah. Momma, what happened?”

  “Drugs, alcohol, and the fact you reminded me of your father and my mother.” Another long drag she makes. “You have to know you were conceived with love. Your father and I loved the fucking hell out of each other. If it wasn’t so hard to love, I would’ve stayed with that man forever. We could’ve been a family, us three. That’s what he wanted, and I did too at that time.”

  “You said he fooled you, Momma. You said he poked holes in his condom.” My words come so soft I pray she hears them.

  “Truth!” she says with a loud voice. “Truth time, right? Okay, here it is! You were a planned baby! I wanted you, your daddy wanted you! He didn’t fool me, I fooled him. Or so it seemed at that time. When I found out I had a baby in me, well, I freaked.”

  “I get it. I do,” I say. “It’s like you knew you couldn’t do right by the baby, right?”

  “Right!” she says with an excited voice. “I knew you’d end up with your daddy’s brains. He was so fucking smart and so damn handsome. God, we loved each other, and I had to mess us all up.”

  “You know, Mom, there are people who you can talk to that can help you. What you went through, losing your mother and in the way you did is traumatic. It messes with your mind and we need help to get past it and make our lives better,” I tell her and myself at the same time.

  I’ve been talking to the friend of Peyton’s some. The truth is I haven’t been really letting her in. It’s what I do with everyone, I let them in just enough, but not all the way.

  It’s time I follow my own advice and do some real talking with the person who can help me the most. My mother is crying on the other end of the line and I feel terrible for her and wish I was there to hold her and tell her it’s all going to be okay.

  “You know, Shelly, even if I do get someone to help me, I think it’s just too late. The fact I have to see what I did to your father, alone, is enough to make the guilt flow through me like a raging river.” She goes silent for a little while.

  Finally, I ask, “Mom, you still there?”

  “I am,” she answers. “I wish it was so simple. I wish everything was simple. It seems it’s been so long that things have been so messed up in my head that it can’t be fixed. I can’t be fixed. Anyway, sorry I took up so much of your time and it’s late. I suppose you have that school thing in the morning and here I am just going on and on.”

  “Mom, I’m really happy you called, and that we talked about this stuff. Thank you so much for this. You can’t imagine how bad I needed to hear all this.” I pause to wipe a tear off my cheek. “Maybe I could get Rodney some help too. Where are his parents?”

  “They died in a house fire along with his younger brother. It was your father who accidentally started the fire. He was drunk and as he left the house late at night while everyone else was sleeping he knocked a candle over. He knew he did it and in his drunken state he didn’t think about what would happen if he left it burning on the carpeted floor,” she says then sighs deeply. “Another bunch of people’s lives affected by my choices and screw ups. He and I had talked on the phone. I was pregnant with you and had run. It was the first time we’d talked since I’d left.”

  “It still wasn’t your fault that happened. It was his and his alone,” I tell her.

  “It was mine. He told me nice things, and I told him mean things. I didn’t have to be like that,” she says. “I accept the responsibility of the things I’ve done. I carry the burden which is mine to bear.”

  “You carry way too much burden, Mom,” I say and find more tears trailing down my cheeks. “Let some of it go. Give some of it away.”

  “Easier said than done, sweetheart,” she says. “The burdens have been with me longer than any person has. They are my company when I’m alone. They are my family, so to speak. And they are always with me. The alcohol and drugs take them away for short periods of time, but they never leave for good. I sober up and they become stronger than they were before. Seems they taunt me at times.”

  “Mom, the degree of how unhealthy this is, is not measurable. You need to get help and I intend to see that you do. That we both do and I intend on seeing what can be done about getting Rodney into a facility and out from under that damn bridge. Mark my words, within one year the three of us will be on the road to getting some kind of help out of this madness we’ve been put in.”

  I grab a tissue, blow my nose, then get up and go towards the bathroom to wash my face and get rid of this defeatist attitude I’ve had since I was three. My mother laughs.

  “Okay, dear. We’ll see. I’ve kept you long enough. Good night.”

  “Good night, Mom. I love you.”

  She’s silent for a second as she’s never told me those words and the only time I’ve told them to her I was throwing them at her in anger. “I love you too, Shelly. Bye.”

  Blake

  Sun shines through the windshield as I drive to Houston to do a little mind mingling with Max about what it is I should do with my money. I have Josh as my right-hand man now and he’s already hard at work, figuring out how to handle the neighborhood renovation plan.

  Now that I have some idea about what I can do to make things better for some people and keep some of my money going to things like that instead of the horrible taxes, I can concentrate on investments. I have to make money from my money so I can keep having money after all.

  My cell dings and I look over at it, but don’t pick it up. I’ll check it the next time I stop. And since I see a little store right here. I’ll stop.

  Damn my curiosity!

  I pull up to the gas pump. I may as well get some gas while I’m here. My body seems to be tingling for some odd reason as I pick up the phone.

  There it is. A message from her. After a mere three weeks she’s finally contacting me. I almost don’t want to read it.

  I tap her name and the message springs onto the screen. ‘I’M SORRY.’

  She’s sorry. Hmm. So, what does that mean?

  I have no idea of what to send back. No idea what I want to say or how I even feel about this. She is sorry. Well, so am I.

  I pull away without getting any gas. My mind has gone numb. There’s not a doubt in my mind that she is sorry, but that’s not enough.

  Is she done running from the things that are good for her?

  Is she through with the nonsense that one day she might lose me so it’s better not to have me at all?

  Is she no longer a tiny bit insane?

  These are the kinds of things I need to hear from her. Sorry is a start, but only one little part of what I need to hear from her.

  I could pick up the phone and take her back right this second and in less than a week we will be at this same exact place again. She has to be without me for a while. She has to feel the need and want I know she has in her for me.

  To pick that phone up and call her is all I want to do right now. My hands are fidgeting all over the steering wheel and my eye
s keep being drawn to the phone that lies on the passenger seat of my truck.

  With a quick movement, I grab the phone and toss it in the back seat so I can’t see it. I can’t get to it if it rings or dings with another message from her.

  If it’s the right thing to do, why does it hurt so damn bad?

  Part 7 Born Lucky

  Rachelle

  Click clack, click clack! That’s all I can hear as I walk down the sidewalk away from the movie theater. We watched a sappy love story and I want to choke somebody!

  It’s been a month since I’ve seen Blake. I sent him one text message telling him I was sorry, and he didn’t even send anything back. Not even a get fucked or a fuck you or anything!

  A new guy came to work at the restaurant I’m interning in and he’s from London. He has this great accent, and he’s tall with dark hair he keeps cut really short. His eyes are blue, not a speck of brown in them. Plain old blue eyes and a plain old face with not much emotion on it.

  Except when he looks at me. Shaun has been hounding me to go out with him since he walked through those kitchen doors three weeks ago. I haven’t been up for dating since my heart belongs to Blake, but my mind is refusing to allow anything to happen on that front.

  Now Blake has turned a cold shoulder to me and Shaun has been heating up every chance he gets. I finally agreed to go to dinner and a movie with him. He took me to eat Chinese then we went to see the love story and now he’s walking me back to my car.

  I refused to let him pick me up, still keeping people at a distance. He was understanding about that though. Something Blake never really could understand.

  No pressure is what this guy keeps telling me. But the way his hand just grabbed mine and judging by how much closer he moved towards me that’s about to change.

  The keys from my purse I grab and press the button to unlock my car. His hand leaves mine and I make a sigh of relief. But he just moved it to lay his arm around my shoulders and now my chest is getting all tight and I itch for some damn reason.

  “Let’s don’t wrap this up yet,” Shawn says. “How about a drink at that bar we passed back there? Just one, no pressure.”

  “I really shouldn’t have a drink then drive home, that’s irresponsible,” I say and keep going towards my car.

  He’s bigger than I am and easily stops my progression. His hand touches my chin and I look up at him as he says, “Shelly, one drink isn’t going to affect you that much. I have seen you put away three glasses of wine after work then drive home.”

  “Well, those were really bad days, and I was trying to forget about some things. It was a bad idea to do. I really just want to go home and pull my clothes off and climb into my bed,” I say and by the way his eyes light up I realize what I said and wish I could gobble those words back up.

  With a grin he says, “Even better. I’m in!”

  I laugh and pull away from him. “Poor choice of words, Shaun, that’s all that was. I meant alone, I’ll be getting into bed. Thanks for the dinner and the movie. I had a nice time.”

  My hand touches my car door and I’m nearly home free. Then his body touches mine and he clears his throat. He takes my shoulders and turns me back to face him.

  His eyes are soft and I know he’s about to kiss me. “I had a very nice time, Shelly. Tell me we can do this again soon.”

  “We’ll see,” I say and try to end this night without a kiss. “No pressure, right?”

  “A little pressure,” he says and touches his lips to mine, gently.

  Shaun’s lips are full and soft and most women would probably love the way they feel. I am not one of them. Maybe because they aren’t Blake’s. I pull back and swallow hard.

  “Thanks again, good night, Shaun.” I turn away to open my car door.

  He spins me back around and kisses me hard. His tongue pushes into my mouth and he tastes like popcorn and coke, it’s awful. I allow him to kiss me for a little bit to see if I really do hate it as much as I think I do.

  With a swirl of his thick tongue he proves he is not the guy for me. I pull back. “Okay, then. Good night, Shaun. Lovely evening, bye!”

  “Really?” he asks as I get into the driver’s seat. “Nothing? You felt nothing at all, Shelly?”

  “Sorry, I did warn you that I’m not really up to dating right now.” I strap on my seatbelt. “Let’s try not to make things weird at work, okay?”

  “You won’t be going out with me anymore, will you?” He leans on my door and looks inside as I toss my cell phone on the passenger seat. The screen lights up and Blake’s precious face fills the screen.

  He’s my screen-saver. And, yes, I know that’s sad of me!

  “So that’s him, huh?” Shaun asks as he points at my phone.

  “Who, that guy?” I ask. “He’s just a random hot guy I used as a screen-saver, nothing more than that.”

  “You sure? Because you kiss like a woman who felt she was doing something wrong. Perhaps you felt as if you were cheating on him. What’s his name, Shelly?” His hand trails over the top of my thigh and he looks at me, intent on finding out who the man on my phone is.

  “He’s someone I hurt, and he wants nothing more to do with me. So his name is unimportant. See you tomorrow, Shaun.” I move his hand and press my palm to his shoulder, making him get out of the way so I can close my door and leave.

  As I pull out of the parking lot tears sting my eyes and I want to slap myself. Thinking I could go on a date with so much of myself still tied up in Blake and how I feel for him was a mistake.

  I wonder how long it will take me to forget about him and get on with my life?

  Blake

  I wonder how long it will take me to forget about her and go on with my life?

  Like a fool, I stare at the words on my cell phone, ‘I’M SORRY’ until I can’t focus anymore. It’s been a month since she left me. Her scent still lingers on the pillow she slept on.

  Okay, I know I’m weird and gross for not washing it yet!

  I have to get out of this house today and do something positive with myself. The last few days have been hard for some reason. I look at the last thing Rachelle sent to me nearly every damn day. The last few days, I’ve taken it out and looked at it many times.

  The urge to text back is taking me over. Max and Kip have given me the advice of staying strong and not contacting her. They said she should take some time.

  Only thing is, Kip told me she was going to go on a date with a British guy she works with and that’s eating me up inside. What if she likes him? What if that ends any chance we have to get back together and get married and have kids and a dog?

  We’d name the dog, Rufus, and he’d go with us everywhere.

  I’ve been living way too much in fantasy land here lately.

  There are two more days until the reunion at Max’s foster parents’ home. I used some of my money to make a donation and the children’s home used it to make upgrades on all the houses and added in playground equipment.

  The house parents are throwing a reunion party for all the past people who spent time with them. Rachelle has most likely been sent an invitation, but I doubt she’d go.

  That would be a normal thing to do and she’s not into doing normal things!

  Her old foster parents might ask her how she’s been doing, and she’d find that invasive at the very least. No, Rachelle is a closed book. She’d never go to a reunion like that. Not in a million years.

  My cell phone rings and I nearly throw it as I was looking at it so hard. It’s Max so I answer it, a little sad it’s not her. “Hey, Max.”

  “Hey, Blake. What are you up to?”

  Should I tell him the truth? Nah, that’s just too pathetic.

  “Just thinking about what I can do with this beautiful day. You?” I ask, opting for a more normal thing to say I’m doing.

  “I’m thinking about taking a cruise in my chopper and wanted to know if you wanted me to pick you up and bring you back here to Houston. Lexi
took the kids and went to visit her parents for the week. I would’ve went too, but we have that reunion in just a few days and you and I have to make an appearance at that since we donated the money to make all the improvements.”

  “That sounds cool! I’ve been wanting to take a ride in that beast. Any chance you’ll ever teach me how to fly, Max?”

  “I taught Kip, I can teach you too, if you want.”

  “Cool! I’ll be ready. There’s an empty lot that’s been all cleared out to make a playground for the neighborhood. I bought it, so it’s safe for you to land there. See you soon then.”

  “Okay, see you soon, Blake.”

  I end the call and suddenly feel a lot better about life in general. Placing the phone in my back pocket, I make a promise to myself not to look at that damn text Rachelle left me for the remainder of this week, at least.

  I have to put that chick behind me once and for all!

  Rachelle

  A loud knock wakes me up. The sun is streaming in my bedroom window. A quick glance at my phone tells me it’s ten in the morning. I wonder who’s here.

  Pulling a robe on, I make my way to the door just as the person on the other side knocks again. “Shelly!” Peyton’s voice calls out.

  I open the door and find Peyton and Pax standing at the door with a bag full of something. “Morning.”

  Peyton comes in as I stand back and Pax grabs my leg and hugs it. “Hewo, Aunt Chewi.”

  Pax’s little Elmer Fud speech impediment is too cute. I pick him up and hug him tight. “Hello to you too, Mr. Paxie Poo!” I leave a kiss on his chubby cheek and he giggles.

  Peyton is unloading the bag of breakfast on my little table. “I picked up omelets for us and pancakes for my big boy.”

  “How sweet,” I say as I take Pax and place him in a chair at the table and grab us some orange juices out of the fridge. “What’s the occasion?”