Say It Again

by S. Moose

  “Grace it’s not even noon yet.”

  “So?” She shrugs and gets up to get me a drink.

  “I had an interesting talk with Jacob a few minutes ago.” Aiden sits up and takes off his sunglasses.

  “He was here?”

  “Na, he has some meeting in Buffalo. He texted me though. Good luck with the whole friends thing,” Aiden laughs and sits up to look at me. “You and Jacob won’t last as friends.”

  “Yes, we will,” I argue. “We’re going to build our relationship as friends and then take it from there. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I know what I saw when we were all hanging out, sweet cheeks. You want him and he wants you. Stop denying the man and give in.” I roll my eyes and Aiden comes a little closer. “Listen, he’s been into you since that night. He wanted to call you so many times, but that bitch Brenda turned his world upside down. He’s a great dad to Carter. Honestly, I envy the guy. If that were me, I’d freak the hell out and probably leave town, too. Jacob’s a good guy.”

  “I know he is. I’m not doubting that.”

  “Then don’t string him along. He’s my best friend. I’m not saying you are. I’m just saying he’s a good guy and he’s changed a lot.”

  “You’re a good friend to him, Aiden. I’ll tell you now that I’m not playing games with him. I just need time to process everything.”

  “I get it. Just wanted to have a heart to heart with you,” he smiles and pats my knee.

  I head upstairs to change into my bikini and join Grace and Aiden by the pool. The three of us talk about random crap and it’s nice to lay out in the sun and relax.

  SEEING CAMERON TALKING with Brad is fucking with my head. She’s mine and I need to make sure everyone knows that. I want her to understand. I want her forgiveness, and I want her to know that she’s given me a gift no one else will ever give me. That night, when I was inside her, being with her was deeper than anything I’d imagined. It was more. She is more.

  Sitting on my bed, thinking about love and how special love is, makes me think about Aiden and his love for Clarissa. To love someone as much as they loved each other is intense and overpowering. It’s the kind of love people look for their whole lives. This kind of love has the power to destroy you when it’s gone and has the power to make you stronger. The complete feeling of love from what I saw in Aiden is something I’ve wanted and didn’t realize it until Cameron came back. Even with her death, Aiden’s holding on to their love.

  When Clarissa died, I saw the pain Aiden went through. I saw the life leave his eyes and his willingness to live went away. At that moment, I knew I couldn’t fall in love. Love was something I couldn’t handle. How could I handle that kind of love? How could I give someone my heart and take another’s heart? What if I died? What if she died? There were too many unanswered questions and what if’s floating through my head. I didn’t want to be hurt or hurt someone. It took Aiden three years to move on. Every year, on the anniversary of Clarissa’s death, Aiden leaves town for a week and goes to Italy. Her last wish was to have her ashes brought to Sicily so she can be buried with her parents. When Aiden took Clarissa’s ashes back to Italy it killed him because she wouldn’t be near him, but he understood and he did what she wanted. Three days before she passed away, Aiden proposed and they were immediately married. He spent every second with her until she took her last breath and his heart with her.

  Now, after almost twelve years since her death, he’s giving himself a chance to love again. And I’m giving myself a chance to fall in love and give myself to Cameron.

  My phone rings and I pick it up to see it’s a text message from her.

  Cameron: What time should I be ready on Saturday?

  Me: We should leave by nine am. My parents are making breakfast. They usually do whenever Carter has a game.

  Cameron: Is anyone else coming?

  Me: Everyone usually comes.

  Cameron: Gotcha. So after the game it’ll be the three of us?

  I fucking hope so.

  Me: Yeah, if that’s still okay.

  Cameron: It is. I have something for us to do after the game. It’s a surprise though.

  She’s got a surprise . . . for us? Fuck me. This girl is special. She’s so fucking special and I need to make sure she knows that.

  Cameron: Be sure to wash his jersey after the game.

  Me: You got me wondering what’s going on.

  Cameron: Trust me. It’ll be fun.

  Me: I trust you.

  She doesn’t respond back so I put down my phone and head downstairs to make sure all of Carter’s things are ready for his day with Brenda’s parents. The doorbell rings and when I answer it I’m surprised to see Aiden over so late.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Just need to chill for a minute,” he mutters and comes inside. He sits on the couch with a blank expression and I wonder what’s going on. “I had a patient die tonight. She was only ten years old. Her whole life was ahead of her. I thought I was doing the right thing. I fucking thought I gave her more time.”

  “It’s not your fault, Aiden.”

  “You didn’t see the look in her parents’ eyes. You didn’t see the way her mom crumbled. Working in the cancer unit fucking sucks. I see her in every one of my patients.” The last part comes off as a whisper and I know who he’s talking about. “When I lose a patient it feels like I’m losing her. It’s fucked up, huh?”

  I shake my head. “No, man. I get why you work in the cancer unit, but you can’t save the world. The only thing you can do is help your patients and comfort them and their families.”

  “I see her you know. Even after all this time.” Aiden rubs his face with his hands and lets out a jagged breath. “I miss her.”

  “You can crash here tonight. Still have off tomorrow?” Aiden nods and looks down into his hands. He wears his wedding ring, but on his thumb instead of his ring finger. “I know I’m not the best with advice. What you’re doing and what you’ve accomplished is something to be proud of. Clarissa’s always with you. You can’t let each death get to you like this.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m serious though. Clarissa would be proud of you. You’ve followed the dreams the both of you had. I’m proud of you, man. Really proud.”

  “Thanks. Sometimes I forget her. Sometimes I forget the way she smiled and the way she felt in my arms. I found my soulmate when I was ten years old and I lost her eight years later. Why the fuck is life cruel and unfair?”

  “That’s the million dollar question. I think when the bad shit happens it’s supposed to make us stronger.”

  “October I’m heading back to Italy,” he mutters. “Do you think I should stop doing that?”

  “No.”

  “Thanks again. I needed to hear that.”

  “Okay enough of this,” I laugh and slap his shoulder. “Help me move some things around and I’ll treat you to beers.”

  “You know the way to my heart, Shea.”

  “Always, baby,” I joke and we spend the next few hours reorganizing Carter’s playroom and the living room.

  The next morning I meet my dad for coffee at a nearby shop. We take our coffees to a table and I listen to my dad talk about the travels him and Mom have been taking.

  “What’s wrong, Jacob?”

  The question throws me off guard. “Nothing. I’m good.”

  “Something’s preoccupying your mind. I know you, son, and I know that something’s wrong.”

  I sigh and drink more of my coffee before telling him about what’s going on with Cameron. He listens and I know he’s coming up with some magical advice to give me.

  “Give her time, son.”

  My head bends backwards and I’m laughing with his advice. That’s what I’m always hearing.

  “Love works in funny ways, Jacob. If it’s meant to be, love will find a way. Since she came back then that’s something for you to admire about her. Don’t rush it. Women ar
e funny things. They think they know what they want, but they truly don’t, until something happens. Give it time. You’ll see.”

  “Thanks, Dad. I’m trying.”

  IT’S LATE WHEN I find myself with a bowl of berries and whipped cream, watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU. I hear the garage door open and wait for Grace to come inside. I can’t wait to hear about her date.

  “This is why I’m fucking single,” Grace groans and plops down next to me.

  “That bad huh?”

  Since her breakup with Jeff, she’s been on a dating binge and every date has turned out to be something she doesn’t want. Grace took a walk on the wild side a few months ago and now she’s only on one dating site instead of the others like Tinder or Plenty of Fish. With eHarmony she has a better chance of finding someone who wants the same thing as she does—love and a future. I’m not saying those other guys on the dating sites didn’t want more, but most of them wanted to hookup or be a friend with benefits.

  “Oh look! A fucking dick pic. Wonderful.”

  “Are you still saving those pictures?” I blanch and look over on her phone. “Ugh, you are. And why are you doing this?”

  “To use as payback.”

  “Wait.” I laugh and can’t imagine the answer she’s about to give me. “How do you know which dick belongs to whom?”

  “Oh I know.” She smiles and turns to face me. “I know by the curvature.”

  “That makes no sense!”

  “Well to me it does.” She sticks her tongue out at me and turns to face the TV. “I just want to find someone who’ll love me. Do you know that Jeff and that whore are still together? They’re still fucking together and I’m over here going on dates trying to find someone.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t be looking. Give yourself time to be alone.”

  “Yeah, I know. The thing is I don’t do alone very well. Being alone, I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right. I was with Jeff for so long. He was all I knew. And now, I’m supposed to learn how to live without him?”

  “Exactly.”

  Grace leans her head on my shoulder and lets out a sigh. “It’s not fair,” she mutters.

  “What’s not fair?”

  “That Jeff gets to be happy and has someone while I’m dating these guys and feeling nothing.”

  “You’re trying too hard. You want to get back at Jeff, but I think what you need to do is focus on yourself and make yourself better. You can’t love anyone until you love yourself. You focused so hard on what Jeff wanted that you forgot what you deserve. You loved Jeff so much and cared about him to the point that you forgot yourself. Don’t get lost again because coming out of that hole isn’t easy, especially the second time around.” I pause and look at Grace. I know I’m throwing a lot at her. “You kept looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”

  “I know,” she whispers and wipes her tears. “I worked so hard to keep Jeff happy. He was my first love. My first everything. We taught each other how to kiss, how to make love and how to love. He was my world and I couldn’t see tomorrow without him. Do you know how badly it hurt when I walked in on him and Cassie having sex? It broke me. Broke me, Cameron,” she cries and lies down on my lap. “Part of me still loves him. We were together for so long. I looked him up on Facebook. He’s so happy while I’m here trying to find someone to give me an ounce of happiness. When will it be me?”

  “When love finds you.”

  “Well, love is a motherfucking bitch and needs to hurry her ass up because I’m about to purchase a mail order husband.” I’m laughing my ass off and Grace joins me. I want her to be happy and find herself.

  “Now this is your chance to live again.”

  “With all of my dick pics.”

  “Yep,” I laugh, “with all those dicks.”

  We spend the rest of the night watching cheesy movies until we’re both passed out on the couch. Waking up the next morning with a kink in my neck, I Google the closest spa and book an appointment.

  “Grace.” I shake her so she’ll wake up, “want to get massages today?”

  “As much as I’d love to,” she mumbles in her sleep, “this couch is too comfortable. Rain check.”

  “Okay.”

  Heading upstairs I jump in the shower and head out the door to The Del Monte Spa and relax in the tranquil room before my appointment at eleven a.m.

  “You have so much tension around your shoulders,” my massage therapist, Dustin, tells me as he rubs away the knots. “Jesus girl, what’s going on?”

  “Life,” I mutter and wince with the pain. Maybe next time I will request a Swedish massage and not a deep tissue. I’m too afraid to say anything because his hands are my savior. Dear Lord, I need this every day.

  “I hear you on that.”

  Three hours later, I walk out of the spa feeling like a brand new woman. My whole body vibrates as if it’s brand spanking new.

  “Cameron?”

  I turn and see Aiden walking toward me. “Aiden. Hey! What’s up?”

  “Just got a gift card for my mom. It’s her birthday next week.”

  “Aren’t you a good son not buying her gift last minute?” We both laugh and he asks me to lunch. Looking at the time, I realize I haven’t had much to eat and suddenly my stomach growls.

  We agree to eat at The Cheesecake Factory and head over. It’s a little busy and we have to wait a few minutes before being seated.

  “I told Grace to come with me. She loves it here.”

  “How is she doing? I haven’t really talked to her.”

  “She’s okay I guess. I don’t know. The whole breaking up with Jeff thing is really messing with her head.”

  “He’s an asshole. Never liked him. She can do better.”

  Listening to him talk about Grace is kind of sweet. I’m not sure of their relationship and now I’m curious. Before I can say anything, we’re seated and give our drink order to the server.

  “Have you known Grace for a while?”

  “My whole life,” he answers and leans back in his chair.

  “She’s been going on a lot of dates. Nothing’s working out though.” Hopefully this fishing will get me something. Aiden’s pretty hot and from what I know about him he’s sweet too. Grace and him would be cute together.

  “I know where you’re going and it’s not going to happen, Cameron.” His smile is intoxicating and I have to smile back. “I haven’t had a girlfriend for a while.”

  “Why?”

  “I have crazy hours as a doctor and I don’t know, just haven’t felt the need to since Clarissa died.” I cover my lips with my hand and give him sad eyes. “It happened almost twelve years ago in October,” he whispers. “We were together since we were little and then she was diagnosed with cancer and taken from me.”

  “I’m so sorry, Aiden. My goodness, that’s so sad.”

  “It’s okay. I miss her every day, but by working with patients with cancer I feel like I’m close to her.”

  My hand is on his and I give him a smile. No one should have to go through that type of loss and I go into telling him about how I lost my parents in the middle of my senior year.

  “Well don’t you two look cozy.” That voice. I look up and see a really pissed off Jacob.

  WALKING INTO HIS house, Aiden’s sitting on his couch and looks at me. “Here to bitch at me?” he laughs and hands me a beer. “You’re such a pussy.”

  “Fuck off.”

  Walking into the restaurant and seeing their hands together didn’t sit well with me. I know nothing’s going on and that’s great she’s becoming friends with Aiden. But seeing that pissed me off and I don’t care how innocent it was. When Cameron saw how pissed I was, she invited me to sit and join them. I would have if I didn’t have a meeting. This month has been busy with me going into the office and meeting with clients. Usually I work at home through the phone or Skype.

  “You know I’m not trying to get with her, right?”

  “Yeah, I do
.”

  “Good. I like her though. She’s down to earth and fun to talk to. You know if you don’t start making moves someone’s going to get her.”

  My hand runs through my hair and I take a drink of my beer. She’s been in town for a few weeks and already she’s had lunch with Brad and Aiden. I don’t have to worry about Aiden, but Brad’s a different story. I’m not sure what his motives are or what he plans to do. At Carter’s soccer game, I’ll make sure to let him know Cameron’s mine. This might piss her off and that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’m not blind or dumb. I know how beautiful and sweet she is and I’m sure any guy in town would love to get to know her. No one will get that chance because she’s mine.

  “So you and Cameron, what you guys are doing makes total sense,” Aiden sarcastically says to me.

  “Yeah well, it’s what she wants. It fucking kills me that I can’t have her.” Aiden’s brow cocks. He looks at me as if I’ve grown another head. “Listen, remember how you felt when you met Clarissa?” Aiden nods and takes a drink of his beer. “That’s how I feel about Cameron. I didn’t want to leave her that night and I know this is my second chance to make it right. I’ll do whatever she wants and take it. Starting off as friends isn’t a bad idea. We need to get to know each other again and then take it from there.”

  “You want what I had with Clarissa?”

  “I won’t lie, but yeah I do. The love you guys had was perfect.”

  We stay quiet for a while. Talking about Clarissa is hard for Aiden. No matter how much time has passed, it doesn’t mend the hurt or his broken heart.

  “I will give you a word of advice.” I open my second beer and look at Aiden. “Be sure she doesn’t friend zone you. Even though you’re respecting what she wants, you still have to show her you want her. Show her you care and cherish her. Love,” he pauses and rubs his face. “Love can be taken away from you. As soon as I saw Clarissa, I knew she was the one. Who finds their soulmate when they’re that young?”

  “Some people are just that lucky.”

  “Yeah.”