Her Only Chance

by Cheryl Anne Porter

  Her tone, as much as her sympathetic gesture, unnerved him. Kell realized he was squeezing her hand, returning her warm pressure. He pulled away. “I’m fine.”

  Feeling a need for some distance from her body heat, he set his soda on an end table and got up, crossing his small living room to stare out the sliding-glass doors. The tropical greenery of the courtyard failed to hold his attention. Peering over his shoulder at Jamie—his first love and, dammit, probably his only love—he asked, “So why’d you turn me down earlier?”

  She shrugged. “That’s complicated. I still had some thinking to do. And some things to answer for myself. I just wasn’t ready to see you right then.”

  “But an hour later, you are. So I’m guessing you got your answers.” When she nodded, he turned to face her, allowing his gaze to travel over her, from her thick dark hair to her red-painted toenails peeking out of her sandals. He had but one thought. If he didn’t maintain his distance, he’d end up on his knees in front of her with his arms wrapped around her legs, begging her to—to what? Love him? “So what were these questions you needed answers for, Jamie? I assume they had something to do with me or you wouldn’t be here.”

  He watched as she carefully put her soda down on a table next to her. “Kell, I was worried about you. That part is true. But I’m also having a little trouble getting my license to practice psychology.”

  Kell choked. “I can’t say I saw that one coming. What has that got to do with me?”

  She smiled wryly. “More than you could ever imagine. Apparently, I can’t move ahead until I burn all my bridges behind me. Close the gate on my past. Our past as a couple, actually.”

  Kell frowned. “Again, I thought we already did that. But I’m listening.”

  “Okay. Basically, we need to talk. I thought, before I came here, that all we’d need to do was have one productive conversation and wrap this up. But…being with you again, Kell…” She took a deep breath. “I think I was just fooling myself. I realize now I’m not willing to…I can’t just tell you…” She lapsed into silence and looked away.

  Kell waited, his heart hammering with a yearning to hear her say something provocative. Something like I still love you. Yeah, right. Like he needed or wanted to hear that. How many times in his life was he going to set himself up to hear goodbye from this woman? How many times was he going to hear how they could never be together because of his job and her fears for him? Hell, nothing had changed. And he didn’t need this aggravation.

  Jamie chose that moment to speak again. “All right, Kell. What I need from you is time and cooperation.”

  Relieved—and a little disappointed—Kell thought of his month of enforced rest and relaxation. “Well, as blind stupid coincidence would have it, I’m on leave for the next thirty days. Will that be enough time?”

  Jamie’s expression brightened. “Yeah. Sure. That’s great. Thanks.” Then her expression fell. “Wait. You’re on leave for a month? Kell, what exactly happened to you that you’d need a month off? Tell me.”

  Wounded pride on two scores—his failed mission and his failed relationship with her—made it hard for Kell to keep his frustration under control. “I didn’t need or want a month off, Jamie. I was told to take it. But, look, let’s get something straight here. You asked for my help. I said yes. But that’s as far as it goes. You have no right to ask me how I’m doing. I’m not one of your patients. You walked out a year ago, and we said that was the end. Now here you are again, wanting more and I don’t know that I have anything to give. This is a bad time for me. But it’s a private, personal matter, one that I don’t feel like sharing with you or anyone else.”

  Silence greeted his outburst. “Wow,” Jamie finally said, her eyes rounded. “I guess you told me.”

  “I guess I did.”

  She exhaled, her gaze seeming to look right through to his hurting heart. “Does this have anything to do with your friend Jeff?”

  Kell’s jaw tightened. “You don’t give up, do you? I said don’t go there.”

  Jamie sighed, a sound laden with resignation. “You’re right. Your problems are just that…yours. And mine are mine. So, I think I’ll just leave, Kell.” Defeat laced her words. “And you’re right about something else, too—I was wrong to come here. Although, in one way, I now have what I came for. Thanks.”

  She stood up, retrieving her purse and pulling out car keys. Her fingers worked agitatedly around her key ring. “Thanks for your time and the soda,” she said, her innocuously polite words belying the heavy drama of the moment.

  Kell ached, just looking at her. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. All he had to do was…nothing. And she’d leave. But somewhere, in some deep and dark place inside him, he knew that this time…if he let her walk away…he’d ever see her again. Ever.

  Kell swallowed again. The lump in his throat made it feel as if he were being choked. But still he got the words out. Three words that could make all the difference in his life. Whether for good or for bad, though, he had no way of knowing right then. “Please don’t go.”

  4

  JAMIE DIDN’T GO. But it wasn’t for closure. This time was for beginnings…for opening her heart and her arms and her body to Kell in ways she never had before. They were like two wounded animals seeking comfort in each other. In Kell’s bed, locked in his embrace, Jamie knew this time was unlike all the other times they’d had together. Before, their coming together had been out of healthy lust mixed with genuine love and affection. But never before had they come together like this, out of a sheer physical need born of a hunger in their souls.

  It was the most amazing thing for Jamie, being here in Kell’s bed, in his arms. Kell needed her. He truly needed her. And she needed him. She hadn’t even known it until she’d stood in front of him again today. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed him…missed his touch, his voice, even his intensity. But most especially, she’d missed the way he was holding her now, the way they fit together, the way her body opened for him, took him in, wrapped itself around him. Jamie had forgotten the luxury of being with someone this familiar. Their lovemaking was like a choreographed dance, a torrid work of art all itself. Kell knew just what to do…and when. And so did she.

  The sweet blissful torture built inside Jamie with each thrust of Kell’s hips against hers. She clung to him, raking her nails across his back, breathing in short gasps and calling out his name. Even though he labored hard against her, he murmured sweet words of love into her ear that drove her crazy. Then suddenly it was there, the moment she’d hungered for, the moment her body burst in its joy at having Kell inside her. He tensed, holding himself rigid over her, and Jamie took up the motion, moving her hips in a timeless rhythm that increased her pleasure to the point of madness. A hoarse cry escaped Kell. He called out her name, thrust once more against her, and then…he collapsed atop her. Jamie welcomed his weight. Welcomed it and reveled in this most intimate of embraces.

  They spent the afternoon, either in a pleasant, sated buzz…or on the thunderous roll of athletic sex. They alternately made love, dozed contentedly, and even did some talking. “Thank God you’re still on the pill,” Kell said with a grin.

  “I know. It wasn’t as if you had boxes of condoms in the drawer.”

  “I’ve been out of the country. Didn’t need any where I was going.”

  With her head nestled in the crook of Kell’s shoulder, Jamie spoke softly. “You could have said you didn’t need any because I wasn’t around.”

  “All right. I didn’t need any because you weren’t around and I’ve been celibate for a year.”

  “Liar.”

  He chuckled. “I’m not lying. There’s only you for me.”

  “Liar.”

  “It’s true, but I give up. I can’t win here.”

  “No, you can’t. But are you going to tell me how you got that huge gash on your thigh?”

  “No. Sorry, I can’t.”

  Jamie knew what that meant—he’d be
en injured on a mission—but she let it go for now. “It’s obviously a fresh wound…but may I say it didn’t seem to bother you just now, Romeo.”

  He chuckled. “My whole damn leg could have fallen off and I wouldn’t have cared.”

  Jamie didn’t comment. Instead, she fought the old but very real fear for his safety that was a constant sore spot between her and this man. Her heart thumped in mortal fear for his life. But she was determined to respond differently. Her former behavior had gotten her into this mess. “I’m glad you weren’t…hurt any worse, Kell.”

  He shifted position, forcing her to look into his dark eyes. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” His disbelieving gaze searched her face. “Before, you would have pitched a fit and stormed out because of something like this. You would have told me how we could never have a life together because I’d be off somewhere all the time and you’d be left behind to worry.”

  “God, I must have sounded like a shrew. But you’re not the only one who’s grown and changed. Although I still don’t see how you’ve changed.” She leered at him, then smoothed her hand down his belly to his crotch and took him in her hand. He gasped and tensed. “Or where, either,” she purred, grinning. “Everything looks and feels the same to me.”

  Kell gently pulled her hand away, kissing her palm. “Leave me alone,” he teased. “You’re wearing me out. Remember, I’m thirty-two now and recovering from a wound. One that came damn close to keeping me from getting any older.”

  His words made Jamie freeze inside. He’d always thrived on close calls. But this last one he seemed to have left him shaken. For some reason, thinking of him as a fragile and vulnerable human being scared her worse than when she’d thought of him as a fearless and therefore invincible warrior. She recalled all the times he’d told her, in his life-or-death profession, any hesitation could spell the end.

  Weighed down with her fear, Jamie again rested her head against his shoulder. “As close as that, huh?”

  “As close as that.” His voice was grim.

  He could have been killed. Her worst nightmare. Jamie squeezed her eyes closed and tried to inhale around the tightness in her chest.

  After that, there was silence. Where did they go from here? Jamie mused. Was it time to decide to renew their relationship…or to call it quits again? Jamie’s answer came to her quickly. It wasn’t the one she wanted, but it was the right one.

  I can’t do this again to Kell. The thought, as well as the conviction behind it, was sudden and blinding. Forget the book. Forget the money, the fame, all of it. There was no way she going to play psychology with Kell in the name of some elusive closure. To her, Kell’s terrible vulnerability came first. This was not the time to play with his head, which was how she now saw her intentions.

  Not for the first time, Jamie told herself she didn’t deserve the book deal if she couldn’t even abide by her own research-based conclusions. Because clearly Kell was the wrong man for her. All wrong. And yet, here she was, in his bed. Again. She loved him. There was no sense denying that. But she couldn’t live with the terror of his humanity and she didn’t intend to. He could continue to choose to put his life in danger. He could continue to live his life apart from those who loved him the most. But it was her choice whether or not she would throw her heart into the ring of fire that defined the parameters of Kell’s life.

  Kell might be feeling his age and starting to pay heed to the caution that came with experience and wisdom. But Jamie knew he wouldn’t resign. He’d continue until something put an end to it. That was how he lived his life. And she couldn’t bear to sit around and wait for that to happen.

  She needed to get out of his life, just as she’d done before. But for a different reason this time. Kell wasn’t just a stumbling block to her wealth and fame. He was the man she loved and he deserved better than that…starting now. Jamie sat up, naked and sated with Kell’s loving. She shoved her hair back from her face. “Kell, I haven’t told you the whole truth. And doing so now might cost me a million dollars.”

  Frowning, Kell jackknifed to a sitting position next to her, leaving his lower half covered by the sheet…barely. “Whoa. Hold on. What are you talking about? Don’t tell me you’ve become a spy and you’re here to seduce secrets out of me.”

  Jamie made a tsking sound. “Hardly.”

  But as Kell smoothed his strong fingers up her bare arm, she almost wished she were. “So what’s this about a million dollars?”

  His touch did unfair things to her. He was stroking her neck and jaw with his knuckles…in a slow sensuous slide that made her shiver. His raised eyebrows said he’d noted her reaction. In a sweat to get her words out before the two of them lapsed again into lovemaking, Jamie clutched his hand and held it in her lap. That was another mistake because her body was bared to his touch and his hand was close to the heat of her very center. Grinning, he tried to wriggle his fingers loose, but she held tight. “No, Kell. Wait. I’m serious.”

  “Then you’re going to have to let me move my hand. And you’ll have to put on some clothes. Because anything you say while you’re naked, I’m bound to agree with, only to regret it later.”

  “What was that—a presex Miranda statement? ‘You have the right to be clothed before we talk.’ But you’re right.” She released his hand, firmly placing it in his own lap, and pulled the bedspread around herself as she would a towel following a shower. “All right, is this covered enough for you to think properly?”

  “Jamie, you could be covered by a mountain of dirty laundry and I still wouldn’t be able to think around you. But go ahead…take advantage of me.”

  Jamie winced. “I wish you hadn’t said that. Because that’s exactly how I feel.”

  Kell’s expression sobered. “Oh, really? How?”

  Perspiration beaded on her forehead. Kell looked dangerous—defensively dangerous and detached. It was probably this very look that made him so effective in his profession. But Jamie knew she was the chink in his armor. The one who could ultimately destroy him. She hadn’t really appreciated that until this moment. Dr. Hampton had been right. Where she was concerned, Kell kept letting her right back in, no questions asked. He did risk his heart—and she didn’t. All this time, she’d thought it was the other way around.

  “You’re awfully quiet, Jamie.” Kell’s voice was soft, questioning. “What’s going on? Is it that closure thing?”

  Close to tears—saying goodbye to Kell was the one constant in her life and it hurt like crazy every time. She nodded. “Yes, it is. But it occurs to me that the closure isn’t mine. It’s yours.”

  “Meaning?”

  “I need to get out of your life. Right now.” She tossed the bedspread aside and started to scoot across the bed. He snaked his hand out, capturing her arm and her attention. Naked, vulnerable, Jamie stared into his eyes, seeing anger and determination in his strong jaw.

  “Not so fast. I want an explanation. I deserve one, Jamie.”

  Jamie sighed. “You’re right. But can we get dressed first?”

  His expression mirrored defeat. “Yeah. Maybe we should.” He released her and got up from the bed.

  Jamie did likewise, hating how they silently, politely, gathered up their clothes and dressed, taking great care not to touch. It was nothing like the way they’d shed their clothes. Garments had gone flying. And touching and kissing had ruled the moments leaving them breathless and urgent. But not now. Now their actions were slow and deliberate, as they put on the armor of civilization. It was like being kicked out of the Garden of Eden all over again. Just get your fig leaf and get out.

  All too soon, they were back in the living room. There was nothing left to do but for Jamie to talk. “Okay. First of all, I have a chance at getting a book deal that will set me—and mom—up for life.”

  Kell lifted his eyebrows. “Damn. A book deal? What’d you write?”

  “I haven’t written anything yet.” Knowing that it was their history together that had sparked her th
esis, Jamie strove to sound clinical. “When I do get it written this summer, it will be nonfiction. Sort of a self-help or a how-to book. It’s based on my doctoral thesis.”

  “Sounds interesting.” He quirked his mouth. “So, what was your thesis about?”

  “Uh…relationships.”

  He nodded, considering her…in the same manner he probably would an enemy whose neck he was contemplating breaking. Gone was the tender sensual man she’d spent most of the afternoon with. In his place was a warrior. “What kind of relationships?”

  She had to struggle not to look guilty. “Those in which a woman repeatedly falls for the wrong man.”

  “You mean like us, don’t you? So what was this afternoon, Jamie? Am I your guinea pig to see if your advice works?”

  Jamie’s face heated up. “I don’t see it that way. And quit being a defensive male.”

  “What’s that? Chapter One… ‘The Defensive Male’?”

  Exasperation ate at Jamie. “This isn’t a book about male bashing. I don’t feel that way, and I wouldn’t write something like that.”

  “Right. So this research had nothing to do with us? And by the way, congratulations.”

  Jamie looked down, fiddling absently with her fingers. “Thanks. And, no, it doesn’t have anything to do with us.” She looked at him, hating the steeliness in his eyes. She knew the signs. He was shutting himself off from her. “Okay, yes. It does.”

  “I thought so. So I’m the wrong guy for you. That’s interesting.”

  Jamie exhaled. “It’s more like I’m the wrong woman for you.”

  “Don’t you think that should be my decision?”

  Jamie’s heartbeat slowed. This conversation was taking on the undertones of an interrogation. “Oh, come on, Kell. Do you think I’m the right woman for you? I mean seriously.”

  “You have to ask? Didn’t we just spend the entire afternoon upstairs in my bed making each other happy?”

  “But that was just sex.”

  “Just sex? Thanks. Now I’m beginning to feel used.”