The Contest

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  His hands grabbed her from behind and he pulled her up against him. His thigh spread her leg as he moved himself between her. He rubbed his body up against her and he could feel his growing need. She pulled his shirt off of him as her hands kneaded into his flesh. They trailed down his back and pulled his waist into her. He picked her up and carried her to his bed. Her legs were wrapped around him and his mouth was firmly planted on hers.

  He lay down on top of her and pushed his body into hers. His desire for her consumed him. How long had he wondered what it would be like to feel her body against him? His mouth found its way down her neck and to her shoulder. He licked her skin as she moaned and put her hands inside his pants, finally touching her hands to the skin she had only briefly touched before. He lifted her shirt as he kissed and licked his way around her bra. He unfastened it in one motion and gently pulled it away from her breasts. His mouth fell to her nipple as his kisses became more passionate. He gently pulled her nipple with his lips then longingly sucked her into his mouth, curling his tongue around her, while grasping her breast in his hand. Her body bowed as he touched her.

  She reached between them to unzip his jeans. She pulled them as far off of him as she could from where she was positioned beneath him. He pushed and kicked them off as he trailed his mouth down to her stomach and began to remove her pants. Her hands were in his hair and she was pulling him into her. He kissed the outside of her panties before burying his face in her. Her body flexed and she moaned loudly. He hungrily pulled her underwear to the side as his tongue found her. She was so wet, and ready for him. He pulled her underwear down her long legs. His tongue licked and sucked her as one, then two fingers gently slid into her. He explored her with his mouth and his hands and her body quivered beneath him. He removed the last of his clothing as he continued to touch and feel her with his hands and his mouth. He bent her knee as his mouth found hers again. He stopped and considered protection. She must have understood. “I’m on the pill. Don’t stop.”

  That was all he needed to hear. He entered her softly as she moaned and gripped him with her tight muscle. His body shook as he buried himself in her. Had he ever felt like this before? Her body fit him like she was made for him. He could feel every inch of her and she every inch of him. He slowly entered and exited her as he continued to kiss her with a need he couldn’t begin to express. Her hands grasped his back, then moved down to his backside as she pulled him deeper into her. He could feel her body building as he picked up speed. She felt so good. He never wanted to be anywhere more than he wanted to be inside her. She began to shake. He looked into her eyes and watched her fall apart around him. It was more than he could take and he poured himself into her. With that he had given her his soul.

  Chapter 41

  Madi

  She lay in his arms as the night crept forward. She was overwhelmed by her love for him. No one had ever made her feel the way he did. He had finally kissed her. His mouth on hers was like breathing for the first time. His hands, his body… She softly kissed his chest and she thought about the last two months as he lay sleeping. She thought about what he had said and how she was not good for him. She looked up at his face. He was so peaceful: so beautiful. She considered that he was right. She had begged him to be with her and though she wasn’t sorry, she wished things could be different. She wouldn’t fit into his life. She would hold him back. He would suffer trying to make it work. In trying to put him together she had broken herself apart.

  He had told her that he wanted her to go. He had told her he would never love her. She had made love to him and he didn’t love her in return. The pain shot through her chest, cutting her into pieces. He would never love her; those were his exact words. She wasn’t good enough for him. She didn’t deserve him. She had promised him she would leave if he kissed her and he kept his end of the deal. His kiss... She felt her lips. She could still feel him on every inch of her body and inside her. She would never forget how his touch made her feel; how his lips were strong and soft and how she was forever changed by him.

  She told him she would go. He’d fired her. He’d told her he didn’t want her near him. Is that why he had avoided her for so many days? He’d felt sorry for her. Was that what this was? He had felt sorry for her because she pleaded and begged him to kiss her. Had he fucked her while she made love to him out of pity? Was this is a goodbye gift to her? He had only conceded when she swore she’d go. He didn’t want her, he felt sorry for her. If this was a contest, then he had won. She conceded her mind, body and soul to him. She was convinced; he wanted to be rid of her. This act meant he would be free of her. She could feel the pain building inside of her; a pain that consumed her. It was a different kind of fire. This fire burned her from inside. This fire was pain and loss and emptiness. She needed to set him free of her and her incessant need for him.

  She took one last look at him and felt herself dying inside. He was so amazing, and she was nothing to him. She bent down and whispered, “You have so much to give. I hope you find it someday. I love you, Jake, and I always will. You are free.”

  Jake

  Jake awoke to his cell ringing. He was in his bed in Germany. His mind immediately went to Madi. He had just had the best night of his life. He couldn’t believe how quickly he’d fallen asleep. He’d been lying in bed every night unable to sleep because he was thinking of her. When he finally had her in his arms, he was so at peace he drifted off before he could even tell her how much she meant to him.

  He opened his eyes and she wasn’t there. He felt happy and content. She must be in the bathroom. When she came out, he was going to tell her what he should have said last night. Last night had made him see. He couldn’t live without her. Somehow, some way they would make it work. He’d made so many mistakes in his life. It was clear to him that she would never be one of them. He needed to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to show her again and again, just how much. He got out of bed, dragging a sheet and went to the bathroom. She wasn’t there. He looked around the room and he saw a note on the table. She must have gone to change. He smiled to himself as he picked it up and read it. His face dropped and his heart sunk.

  Jake,

  I’m sorry I pushed you so hard. I know you didn’t want this. As promised in return for your generosity last night, I have gone home. I left my ID and keys with Ang. I thought about everything you said to me and I realize that I will never be what you need or want. I’ll never forget you.

  Madi

  Jake read the note three times and his hands grasped at his hair. He had told her he didn’t want her. He told her to go. She believed him. Oh God! What did she think he was doing when he made love to her? He reread the note, “your generosity”? Did she think he was giving her a goodbye gift?

  Oh fuck! What had he done? He called her cell and it went to voicemail. He called her room and no one answered. He called the front desk, “Ms. Ryan checked out late last night.”

  She left? Where did she go? She left her keys with Ang… He dialed Ang’s number. He didn’t even say hello. “Where is she?”

  “Last night she knocked on my door and said you had fired her. I insisted that she let me speak to you but she said it was set in stone. She was crying, Jake. I don’t know what happened between you two, but you need to talk to her. She said she messed everything up and that you had told her you didn’t want her around anymore. You need to apologize. You can fix this.”

  “I didn’t say that… I mean… I didn’t mean it… Fuck! I thought she understood. She just left? I should have told her. She left me lying there thinking we were okay. She could have talked to me. She could have said goodbye. I really fucked up this time. When did this happen?”

  “It was 11:00 p.m. last night. She left me her ID and your house key. She’s gone, sweetie. She told me she had a 2 a.m. flight connecting to Chicago.”

  Jake hung up the phone. She left. She said she’d never leave him, but then he made love to her and she left? He thought she knew. He thought
she could tell. Did she not feel it when he made love to her? Did she really believe he wanted her to leave? Had he not shown her how he felt for her? How could she just run away and not talk to him? He had kissed her because he wanted to, not because she begged him. He was so stupid.

  Jake flipped the table and threw his phone across the room. He had never been so angry in his life. He sat on the bed and wanted to bust something. Then he wanted to cry. Should he just let her go? Would this be better for her in the long run? He’d just lost the best thing that had ever happened to him and he never even told her that she was the love of his life.

  Chapter 42

  Madi

  The last few days had been the worst of her entire life. Madi had gone straight to Kendra’s house. She didn’t want her parents to know she was a mess. Kendra had let her stay in her room. She brought her food that Madi wouldn’t eat, and rubbed her back and held her hand. She listened as Madi cried. How is it that girls know what girls need? They never tell you that you’re stupid, they don’t try to fix things and they don’t judge. They hold your hand and promise to kick someone’s ass for you. Isn’t that all a girl really wants?

  By day four, Kendra pulled an unwilling Madi into the shower. She told her she stunk as she pushed her in, clothes and all. Madi slid to the bottom of the shower and let the water pour over her. After a few minutes, she undressed and cleaned herself up. Kendra had laid out some of her own clothes for Madi, because every time she pulled out something from Madi’s suitcase, Madi cried harder as she told Kendra where she had been with Jake when she wore it.

  By the end of the week, Madi was moving around. She and Kendra had lain out by the pool and Kendra had listened as only a best friend could. Finally Madi asked her, “Did I do the right thing?”

  “Sister, I’ve never had a relationship that lasted for more than a month. I couldn’t begin to tell you if you did the right thing. All I know for sure is that you are the strongest, smartest person I know. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when you do something, there’s a reason, and it’s usually a damn good one.”

  After a week, Madi went home. She had told her parents that her job was over and she started to prepare for school. She didn’t tell her parents what had happened. She couldn’t bring herself to utter one bad thing about Jake. In her mind, he was and always would be the perfect man.

  Madi and Kendra were sitting by the pool at Kendra’s house when Madi’s phone rang. She answered it without even looking at the number.

  “Hello?”

  “Madi? Is that you?”

  “Ang?”

  “Oh sweetie, it’s so good to hear your voice! I miss you so much!”

  Madi’s heart broke again. It was being held together as it was by flimsy tape. “I miss you too, Ang. Is everything okay?” She desperately wanted to ask about Jake. Kendra’s head popped up and she leaned to listen in.

  “I’m going to be in Chicago on Friday. Can we meet?”

  Madi’s mind raced in five different directions. Kendra was nodding yes. “I… I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

  “Oh come on! Did you forget about me already?”

  “Of course not,” Madi said as her heart pounded in her chest.

  “Come to the concert and we’ll have dinner afterwards.”

  “There’s no way I can come, Ang. I can’t see… him.”

  “He won’t even know you’re there. I won’t tell him. Please! It would mean so much to me to see you!”

  Madi felt guilty. She hadn’t really given Ang much of an explanation. She could watch Jake from afar and he wouldn’t know. Could her heart stand to see him again?

  “Come on, Madi. What do you say?”

  Madi looked at Kendra and Kendra nodded and shrugged. “Okay, but Jake can’t know.”

  “I won’t say a thing! I’ll text you the time and I’ll meet you in parking. Can’t wait to see you.”

  Madi hung up the phone. She felt a mix of pain and happiness. Happiness because she would see the man she loved and pain because it would be for the last time.

  Jake

  “She bought it. She’s coming,” Ang said with a smile and a sigh of relief.

  Ang watched as Jake paced the room with his hands in his hair, nodding. He had been a wreck for the last two weeks. Somehow he’d managed to pull off every concert without a hitch. After it was over, he’d fall apart. He was crabby and Ang could tell he wasn’t getting enough sleep. She knew there was more going on. It was obvious to her that he missed her, even if he wouldn’t admit it. He was broken. She would have done anything to help him. He knew she cared, but it didn’t take away his pain.

  After Madi had left, Jake had decided it was best for her to go on with her life. He tried to act like it didn’t bother him, but he didn’t know how to live without her. His mistakes consumed him. He was unbearable to be around. Finally Ang had had enough.

  One night after his concert in Pittsburg, she met him on the bus. She told him he needed to pull himself together. She told him that if he wanted something, he had to fight for it. That if he wanted her then he couldn’t let her slip through his fingers. Ang asked him, “Why can’t you admit how you feel about her?”

  “I don’t know, Ang. I guess I’m just too messed up.”

  Ang got pissed. “You can’t hide behind your past as a reason to not have a future. You’re a brilliant man, Jake. You succeed in everything around you except when it comes to expressing your feelings. You stink at understanding you. Madi understands you better than you do. You pushed her away because you wanted to have something to blame when things didn’t work out. You’ve clung to your past an excuse for your life.”

  “Don’t you think I know that? I let my past get between us. But it’s better for her. I’d hurt her one way or another. Better she gets out now before she’s in too deep.”

  Ang pounded her fist on the table. “You can’t look at every pothole in life and assume it will swallow you whole. You can’t look love right in the face and tell it you have too much hate to let it in. Stop hating yourself. Stop bullying yourself. Take that voice that tells you it hurts and kick it to the curb! If you want to feel joy you have to get over the pain. Sometimes you have to lose in order to win. Madi is a strong woman and she deserves you and all you have to give. You are a good man, Jake, and you deserve to be happy. Madi deserves to be happy. The only way you two are ever going to be happy is with each other, so get over your past and let her be your future!”

  She had seen the look in his eyes when he accepted her words. She had never seen so much determination in him as she saw when he’d made a plan to get her back.

  “We don’t have much time. Are you sure this will work?” he asked.

  “It has to, for your sake and for hers.”

  Jake was resolved. One way or another, he’d make her see. He was wrong. His life, his career… He had thought it was all he needed. Now he knew. What he really needed was right in front of him all along. He needed her. He wouldn’t give up. This time… he would be the one putting the puzzle together.

  Chapter 43

  Madi

  Madi allowed Kendra to dress her. She was prepared to go meet Ang in her yoga pants until Kendra convinced her she needed to play dress up. Madi actually laughed watching Kendra dance around and fix her up. It was one of the few times Madi had forgotten how awful she felt. She would get up with thoughts of waking up beside him, she would think about him throughout the day, and she would dream about him when she slept. Most of the time, she dreamt of him on the hill. She’d dreamt of his face in pain or when he told her he didn’t want her like that.

  She tried to focus on the fact that she would be able to see him again. It made her heart feel better at the thought of being near him. She hated that she had let herself fall apart. She tried to analyze how she let it happen and why. She decided that love just couldn’t be explained in words or generalized. It was its own dysfunction and had its own category.

  Kendra wanted to g
o with her and seemed impressed when Madi told her she needed to go on her own. Madi laughed when Kendra said it was for the best that she wasn’t there. “I might feel the urge to run on stage and stick my foot up his ass.”

  Madi pulled into the parking lot and felt her body start to ache. She could sense he was near. Just knowing he was in the building across from her made her heart rate increase. How could he have such an effect on her? How could the nearness of him make her feel stronger somehow? Would she ever be able to live without him? She would have to find a way. She could do this. She would not let him break her again.