One Take Only

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  “Then…you haven’t been hanging out with the right men,” I said, arms ready to catch.

  “Man, Will,” she replied, confidently moving along the narrow edge with ease. “I only need one.”

  “I didn’t know you were looking,” I said, fake laughter doing nothing to cover my jealousy. “Not seriously anyway.”

  “Isn’t everyone on the lookout for love?”

  “I don’t know. I always thought I’d find it if I wasn’t looking.” I shrugged. “That the person to complete me would be right under my nose.”

  You, Skye.

  “I don’t need a man to complete me. I need a man to complement me.”

  “You’re beautiful.” It left my mouth before I’d even thought about the consequences.

  “No!” She laughed, throwing her face up to the sky. Her head was shaking but her smile remained. It always did. Even when accompanied with an eyeroll. “Complement me as a person. Complement my ideas, my brain, my heart. My life!”

  “Skye, I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met,” I said. “How could I think anything else after all we’ve been through together? And how great our…” Fuck, don’t say relationship, “friendship is.” She stopped and turned her body, wobbling a little as she did. I stood below her, in fucking awe of the woman before me. She bit her lip and I would have given anything in that moment to know what she was thinking.

  “Friendship?” she repeated, like she hadn’t quite heard and needed to hear it again. I didn’t nod or shake my head; in fact, I didn’t move. Friendship would never adequately describe would we were. “Help me down, William,” she said softly, holding her arms out, free and open as I held her against me and put her safely back down onto the beach.

  I didn’t know what she was thinking. I’d lived the last five years in a permanent state of confusion, arousal a close second. Particularly in the last few weeks. Definitely after the night of the porn shoot. Our dry humping had been locked in a box and thrown out to Brighton sea, never to be spoken about again.

  Remembering Elliott tonight had brought a range of emotions out of her. Sadness, a comparable vulnerability. The mutual understanding of how painful it was to remember his lifeless body. How just a second of time could change your life completely. The fine dance of not letting that second destroy you, but letting it flourish instead.

  But could there have been something else?

  Did she see our spark?

  Wonder what it was and want to explore it?

  “Stay there,” I whispered, reaching for my camera, needing to capture the look on her face. She glanced down, appeared shy and uneasy, but as I held up the camera, she stuck out her tongue and gave me the finger.

  “How’s that for a good picture?” she asked.

  “Fucking awful.” Liar.

  “Nice,” she replied, walking away. “It’s a good job we’re such great friends, isn’t it?”

  Confusion, my old friend. What a bastard you are.

  12

  Skye

  What was the definition of friendship? The state of being friends? Not entirely helpful. Couldn’t I add specifics about mixing sex into friendship? That it could be done without wiping out the whole friendly definition. I wasn’t sure Will and I were even friendly anymore. I hadn’t seen him for a week. Not since the beach speech of what a great friendship we had. There I was hoping for declarations of love and instead I was slapped with a reminder of the limits we were never going to cross.

  “Can we come in?” Matt, Stacey’s boyfriend asked, tapping on the door loudly.

  “Yes, of course! Come in.” I came out of my notes app and shoved my phone back in the drawer hoping the right words would fall out and give me answers as to what Will and I are and more importantly what we were becoming.

  “This is Reid,” Matt said, slapping him on the shoulder.

  I held out my hand. “It’s really good to meet you. Please, sit down.” Matt and Reid sat together at the opposite side of the table as I twisted my lip with my fingers, and it dawned on me that I had no idea what kind of questions I wanted to ask a very experienced porn star.

  “I was hoping Will would be here. He’s going to be the cameraman. I’d sent him a message but–”

  “Hey, not too late, am I?” Will came crashing through the door with a tray of coffees. He dropped them in the middle of the table and threw a paper bag of what appeared to have a number of cookies inside. “Help yourselves. I’ve not eaten. Came straight from the station.” He finally gave me eye-contact. “Hi.” I smiled in response.

  “So…Reid, this is Will. Will, Reid.” Will sat on the chair next me, knocking his knee into mine. He placed his hand there, rubbing it softly as he bit into a cookie. Sorry, he mouthed and that touch, that fucking touch, reignited everything I’d tried so desperately to stamp out. I realised my mouth had parted slightly as I watched him push up his glasses. His hair had dropped down over his eyes and I stared, couldn’t help it, as he pushed it back with his fingers only for it to drop down again. I blew out a breath, tried to collect myself.

  “I just want to say thank you for agreeing to meet with us. I was having a conversation with Stacey and Matt about this project.” I’d asked Matt if he had any connections in the world of the adult film industry. He’d laughed and joked that he wasn’t Dirk fucking Diggler. Stacey joked further that comparisons could be made. Matt always blushed at any discussion about his penis size and ex-profession, which I thought was weird considering the job spec.

  “Stacey knows?” Will asked.

  “Yes.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She said why the fuck didn’t you tell me before.” I smiled a smile that said let’s get on with this because I was out of my depth. “Anyway. Matt kindly said that he would talk to you about being involved and…here we are.”

  “Here we are,” Will repeated as he glanced my way. Yum. A dimpled smile. Those creases next to his mouth had sometimes left me speechless. Today was no exception.

  “Erm…so, tell me how you got into porn.”

  “Straight in there.” Reid laughed.

  “Most of the time she’s to the point, but there are times where you’re left wondering what on earth she’s thinking,” Will replied, tapping his mouth. “Take advantage of this.” He pointed at me. “Doesn’t always happen, let me tell you.”

  What the fuck?

  Reid plastered smile on his face and Matt had tipped his head and narrowed his eyes in question. “Shall we go back to the original question?”

  “Well, I started web-caming a couple of years ago,” Reid said as I took the opportunity to look at him in a could-I-get-off-if-I-watched-him-have-sex kind of way. I quickly realised that yes, yes, I could. Reid was particularly blessed in the bicep department. Biceps for days. He was a blonde bodybuilder type who probably wore ripped jeans and tight t-shirts when out clubbing. Today he’d chosen a tracksuit and a cross body bag over his chest. He had a cute line of moles along his jawline and had gelled his hair to perfection. I thought he was endearing and tried to imagine his bum mid thrust. “I lost my job and needed some cash. It was quick and easy, and I started earning pretty good money. Then, I joined the escort agency where Matt worked. That’s how we met and from there I realised I was good at what I did, and I enjoyed it. My confidence grew and when I saw an ad for an audition to be in an adult film, I never looked back.”

  “Stellar confidence there, Reid,” Will said. “Good for you.”

  “I take it you looked at the details of the project I emailed you a few days ago,” I asked.

  “Yeah. I think what you’re trying to do is great.”

  “Thanks.” I smiled, liking him immediately. “My main focus is to create something that fundamentally gives the message of safe sex.”

  “Totally on board with that. Sex can be steamy and safe too.”

  “But I also want to offer a realistic portrayal of sex,” I said. “Porn can be so far away from what a healthy rela
tionship looks like. You’re in the industry so I’d be interested to hear your views.”

  He took one of the coffees. “I wouldn’t say porn gives an unrealistic view. I think they can decide for themselves the unrealistic aspects that turn them on. We all have different tastes, appetites. It’s about looking for a partner who has those same interests. I don’t think that’s unrealistic. There’s someone out there who’s being turned on for exactly the same reasons. You just have to find them.” He laughed. “And hope that their interests are legal.”

  “I agree with you totally,” Will replied. “There’s someone out there for everyone.”

  Matt looked from Will to me as I cleared my throat.

  “Having said that,” Reid cut in. “I think what you’re doing is commendable and I really like the message. That’s why I’m here.” He shrugged.

  “That’s great. We’re glad you get it.” I glanced at Will. “We haven’t really had a lot of time to prepare questions.” He gave me a leave it to me look. Never good.

  “You’ve obviously spent time with porn directors and producers who actually know what they’re doing. I wouldn’t put us in that category,” Will said, pointing between the two of us.

  “Matt’s been really honest about that and all I can say is I’m willing to help you guys out if I can.”

  “We appreciate it.” I smiled.

  “Can I ask a personal question?” Will asked. “Do you get sexual pleasure from filming a scene or is it just…work?” I kicked him under the table. “Fuck!”

  “Erm…yeah, I get sexual pleasure,” Reid replied, watching cautiously as Will’s head disappeared under the table to survey the damage. “But personally, I focus more on what’s going to look good for viewers.”

  “Oh, thank God,” Will said, blowing out a breath as he reappeared. “A least one of us will know.”

  I faked a smile. “Can I ask you what your preference is in terms of scenes?”

  “I’m a gay man but I’ve done scenes with women,” he replied. “Have you decided what this will be?”

  “Not exactly, no,” I replied. “I guess I need to ask more questions…erm…what are your…limits?”

  “Isn’t this project about safe sex, consent, positive body image and a realistic view of sex?”

  “Yes.” I leant forward. “That’s right.”

  “Then I’m guessing we’re not going for extreme sex. I’m not shy. I’ve been involved in hardcore scenes. I’ve been strangled to the point of orgasm and flogged by a man dressed as a pig. I’ve had a needle inserted into my nipple while I fucked a vicar…on an altar.” Will cleared his throat. “So, after saying all that. I think I’m good here.”

  “Right,” Will replied, looking at me, his eyebrow raised up to WTF mode. “Any further questions, Skye?”

  “Yes. Hold on. Let me think.”

  “Skye.”

  “Hold on.” I raised a finger.

  “Skye.”

  “I’m thinking,” I replied sharply as Will sighed in frustration.

  “Can I offer help with the thought process?” Will asked.

  “Go ahead.”

  “Do we need to…will we need to…see his penis?” Will mumbled against my ear.

  I narrowed my eyes. “If we were interviewing a doctor would we want him to perform an operation?”

  “I think that would be a great idea, yes.”

  I would have offered some scathing remark or rolled my eyes at him if it wasn’t for my need to suppress a smile.

  “How far do you want to go with this?” I replied, faking annoyance. “Penis viewing and then an ejaculation speed test?”

  “I’ll get the speed camera.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Sharp and quick like it wouldn’t leave my mouth fast enough. “Don’t be so Will, Will.”

  “So, what’s your…party trick?” he asked.

  “Ignore him,” I said, smiling at Reid. He looked slightly alarmed and Matt was now holding his head in his hands.

  “There must be something. Astounding rebound time? An interesting position that’s your trademark?”

  “Piledriver,” Reid muttered.

  “Perfect,” Will replied.

  “That’s hardly romance personified,” I whispered through gritted teeth.

  “I don’t know.” Will shrugged. “He could kiss them after?”

  “Do you have any questions for us?” I rushed out, ready to wrap this up before Reid sprinted out of the room.

  “I’m not sure,” he replied. “In all honesty, I’m starting to feel bit freaked out by what I’m involved in.”

  I hid my smile behind my hand. “We’ll get there. I can assure you this will be professional and…classy.”

  “Don’t we need to discuss payment?” Will asked as my smile faded. I hadn’t even thought about what would be considered an acceptable fee.

  “I’m happy to do this for free,” Reid said as he stood.

  “What? No,” I replied. He waved me off.

  “I’ve been lucky enough to get support from the clinic.” He dropped his head briefly before meeting my eyes. “Dr Chris helped me accept that my sexuality wasn’t a burden to be pushed aside but a part of me that should be embraced.” I nodded slowly and fought the urge to think of Elliott. Like I always did. “I thank him for my life because if he hadn’t guided me as a teen, I really believe I wouldn’t be here now.”

  I gasped and covered my face with my hands. The words hit me hard like a punch to the chest then poured over me like a balm, warming me. Soothing. I let it happen. I knew this was a quick reminder as to why I was doing this, what this meant and who this was for. Will pulled me close to him and put his arm around my shoulders. He knew, of course he did. I heard him whisper against my ear, telling me I was fine, that this was meant to be.

  “You’re the one,” he said to Reid, still holding me against him. “You’re hired. Chosen. You’re in luck to fuck!” I slapped him on the back as he laughed. “Whatever the words are for this. Thank you. Just, thanks.”

  Will saw Matt and Reid out, explaining to them both about Elliott and how he’d been the driving force behind the project. Reid said he was in with both feet, even more so now that he knew the story behind it.

  When Will returned, he immediately pulled me into him, stroking my head and listening to my emotional ramblings until I was all cried out.

  “I was doubting myself, but hearing him talk about the centre–”

  “I know, Skye. I know.”

  “He could have done what Elliott did. We could have lost someone else, but he got help.”

  “He did,” He soothed. “You’re right.” A knock pulled us apart. Matt smiled and Will stepped back, losing contact, contact I need so much.

  “Sorry to…interrupt,” Matt said. “Reid asked me to offer you a suggestion about the scene.”

  I wiped my eyes. “What is it?”

  “Reid’s partner, James, used to do porn work years ago but he’s now a freelance photographer who shoots a lot of gay images for trendy magazines. Reid talked to him about the project before he came today and he’s fairly sure that he’d be in agreement for them to film a scene together.”

  “He would?” I said, wiping my nose with my sleeve. “Why would he do that?”

  “James contracted HIV about seven years ago and feels passionately about the message of safe sex. He really likes what you’re trying to do here, Skye. I think this is a great option for you. It can remove barriers about HIV in the porn industry. Fuck, it can remove barriers full stop. You can promote healthy and consensual sex, a couple living life after an HIV diagnoses and show a happy, committed, real-life gay couple.”

  Will nodded his head and started to clap. “Boom,” he said. “I do believe that Matt…just dropped the mic.”

  13

  Skye

  “You’ve got a hairball the size of a football down here.”

  “Well, if you get it out in one piece, I’ll let you keep it for Sunday pract
ice,” I replied, eyes fixated on Will who was currently crouching on all fours under the sink in the back of Vanity Fur.

  “You’re so funny,” he mumbled as he started hitting a pipe with a spanner.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “Skye, you ask me to do this shit and I never know what I’m doing.”

  “It’s entertaining watching you though.”

  His head bobbed up and smacked against the unit. “Bloody, fuck!” He appeared, still clutching his head with one hand and a thick clump of dog hair in the other. He threw it down into the sink and it thumped like it had its own heartbeat. “There’s the problem.”

  “Yummy,” I replied, smiling.

  “Next time you ask me for a favour, I’m saying no.”

  “No, you won’t,” I said. “You’ll be back.”

  He was about to speak when his phone rang. He wiped his hands on a towel and took a deep breath when he saw who was calling. I pretended to busy myself, putting bottles of dog shampoo back in the cupboard and twisting the bottles so that the labels all faced the same way.

  “Hey,” he said, turning his back. “Yeah, that sounds great. I’m happy to meet you or I can pick you up?” I dropped the wet towels into a bin bag, tied a knot and threw it onto the pavement. “Once I’ve got a few drinks in me.” He laughed a little. It felt weak and small. “Who knows where the night may lead.” Silence. Whoever was on the phone could talk. He listened and moved his head from side to side. I could hear the little clicks of his neck. “Sounds good. I’ll see you around nine. Great. See you then.”

  He finally turned and tapped a little nervous tune on the steel with his fingers. “Everything OK?” I asked.

  “Fine.” The tune continued and he looked anywhere but at me.