Saint of Sinners

by Devin Harnois

  We laughed and kissed as we went up the stairs. I made a quick check on Mew-Mew and got a glimpse of the queen’s luxurious palace. So we had the place to ourselves. Hayley had been chipping away at my resolve a little at a time and the last few make-out sessions had been naked-above-the-waist. This time we stripped off our shirts as soon as we were inside. I kissed her and pressed her up against the door. I loved the way her skin felt against mine. Sliding my hands up her back, I unfastened her bra.

  “You’re impatient today.” She laughed and shifted to drop her bra to the floor.

  “Don’t pretend like you’re not.” I took a second to enjoy the view, then pulled her against me. Her hair was longer now, brushing her shoulders, and I sank my fingers into it as I led her toward the couch.

  “Your bed is more comfortable.” She tugged me toward the bedroom.

  I flipped the light on as we entered and went back to kissing. She crawled onto the bed with a smile that made certain parts of me ache, and I followed her down and ran my hands all over her bare skin. It was sweet torture. Then Hayley unfastened her jeans and started sliding them down her hips.

  “Hey, what are you doing?”

  She laid a hand against my cheek. “I’m ready. I’m more than ready.” Her gaze locked on mine and she whispered, “I love you.”

  It didn’t make me feel good. It made me sick. I turned away, sitting on the edge of the bed.

  The mattress shifted as she sat up. “What’s wrong?”

  Her voice was so lost it made me feel worse. “It’s not you, it’s me.” I’d seen enough movies with that line in it that I cringed when I said it.

  “Are you worried you’ll… do it wrong?”

  That almost made me laugh. “No, it’s… You love me, but I don’t love you.” Oh, shit. That was even worse. Mega conversation points, Alex.

  I was about to say anything to break the silence, but she beat me to it. “So you’re just following your rule?”

  “Yeah.” I squeezed my eyes shut tight, feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world. This had gone on too long. I’d been selfish again, surprise, surprise. “You think I’m some kind of fucking superhero or something.”

  She moved to sit next to me, putting a hand on my leg. “You saved the world; you fought the devil.”

  “I killed my parents.” I looked over to meet her wide eyes. “My mom and my stepdad.”

  “You killed…” She took her hand away.

  I looked at the floor. “And a lot of other people, the day after Halloween. That’s why I acted so weird. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d freak out, and after you weren’t scared when I told you what I was, I didn’t want to ruin it. It felt so good for you to accept me.”

  Another stretch of silence. “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  Hayley rolled her eyes at me. “Why did you kill them?”

  “They were Satanists, and they also worshipped me, as the Antichrist. They killed cats to celebrate my birthday, and when I found out, I killed them.” I pictured some of their faces as Animus went through them, smelled smoke from all the houses I’d burned.

  “Your parents too?”

  “No. I killed them for what they’d done to me. That’s why I can’t love you, Hayley. Good people don’t do things like that.” But even if I could take it back, I wouldn’t. I didn’t regret it, and I didn’t exactly feel guilty either.

  She shifted, leaning away from me. “If I hurt you, would you kill me?”

  “Fuck no,” I said as I turned to her. “My mom and stepdad beat me for years, tried to make me evil, and when I got too strong for them, they had the devil beat me.” A surreal idea popped into my head: that my parents had tried to beat the devil into me. “And the Satanists murdered cats. That’s bad enough, but they did it to celebrate my birthday. You have no idea how mad that made me.”

  I took a deep breath. “But I wouldn’t kill you or Casey or anyone if you hurt me. Not if you punched me, not if you broke my heart.”

  She gave me a long look, then stared off at nothing. “I don’t know what to think.”

  I didn’t know what to say to her. Part of me wished I hadn’t said anything at all because she probably hated me now. Or worse, she was afraid of me.

  “Are you sorry you killed them?”

  Lying would be so easy, make myself out to be guilt ridden the same way I’d made myself sound like a hero by leaving out the worst of it. “Honestly, no.”

  She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and went back to staring out at my room. “I think I should go.”

  “Okay.” I wasn’t going to argue, even though my heart felt like it was being crushed. I didn’t want her to go; I didn’t want her to hate me.

  Hayley left my room and I listened to her go down the little hall to the living room. Would she look at Animus hanging on the wall and guess I’d used it to kill people? A long pause of silence, longer than it took to walk through the living room. Was she thinking about coming back? Should I go say something to her?

  The door opened and closed, and then her footsteps faded down the stairway.

  I flopped backward on the bed and stared at the ceiling, telling myself I wasn’t going to cry.

  ***

  I avoided her at school on Monday, but Casey found me after second period. “Hey, what’s going on? Hayley said you had an argument.”

  Would she tell him the truth? Was it even important anymore? “Something like that.”

  “She won’t say what it was about. Did you say something mean to her?”

  “No, nothing like that.” I just told your sister I was a murderer, that’s all.

  He narrowed his eyes, a look he’d only given me when he was pretending to be mad. He wasn’t pretending now. “You better not turn out to be a jackass like the last guy she dated. It took her months to get over him.”

  “Casey, I promise I don’t want to hurt your sister. We have some differences that I don’t know if we can get past.”

  “What differences?”

  “Just… stuff. Look, I have to get to class.”

  I left him standing in the hall.

  At lunch I teleported home and ate with Mew-Mew. He didn’t quite get what Hayley’s problem was, but he’d grown up with me and we had very similar worldviews. He’d asked to come along when I’d gone to kill the Satanists, after all.

  The rest of the day I managed to avoid all my friends until I was getting my stuff to leave.

  Lucia showed up. “Are you okay?”

  “Fine,” I lied.

  “Hayley said you had an argument. It must have been pretty serious. She’s been depressed all day, and you didn’t show up at lunch. Casey said he tried to talk to you, and neither of you will say what the argument was about.” She shifted her backpack. “Maybe if you tell me I can help you guys work it out.”

  I turned away and coughed to stop from laughing. Sure, just explain to her that Hayley was a little bothered that I’d killed a few dozen people. No big thing. “Thanks, but it’s personal. Private.” I immediately wanted to take the words back. Now she might think it was about sex, which it sort of was in an indirect way. “But you can let Hayley know I’ll talk to her if she wants to talk about it.” I checked to make sure I had the stuff I needed and closed my locker. “I gotta catch my bus.”

  ***

  A few days later I felt another prayer. This one wasn’t desperate. It felt quiet and sad. I was in the middle of dinner, moping over Chinese takeout. I closed my eyes to see if I could make out the words and figure out what they wanted.

  Please answer. I want to talk to you. I don’t have anyone else to talk to.

  I’d told them not to bother me unless it was an emergency. This sure didn’t sound like one. They could like, leave a spiritual voice mail or something. The prayer got louder and I tuned it out. After a moment it went silent, either because they stopped or because I’d been able to block it out. I finished dinner and watched a movie. By the
time it was over, I’d forgotten about it.

  Just as I turned off the TV, it happened again. “Oh, dammit.”

  What? Mew-Mew asked.

  “Someone is praying to me, and it doesn’t sound like an emergency. I’m gonna have to go and tell them to leave me alone unless it’s a serious problem.” I homed in on the signal.

  Please come. No one else will talk to me and I’m so lonely. I don’t know what to do.

  A second later I was in a dimly lit bedroom with posters of politicians and billionaires on the walls. On the floor, kneeling with his eyes closed and arms out, was Elliot’s bully. I sighed. “You again. You better not be trying to kill yourself.”

  His eyes flew open. His color looked good, no paler than the average white kid. “You came. My lord.”

  “What did I say about calling me that?”

  “I’m sorry. I… I forgot.”

  “Get up.”

  He stumbled to his feet. “I’m sorry. No one else will talk to me. I thought maybe you would. And I wanted to thank you for saving me, my… um, sir.”

  “Alex. My name is Alex.”

  “Alex.” His legs trembled and he sat heavily on the bed.

  “So you’re not trying to kill yourself?”

  He shook his head. “I’m too afraid of what happens after I die.”

  I snorted. “Well, yeah. Where the fuck do you think Satanists end up after they die?”

  “But I’m not a Satanist anymore. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.” He folded his hands in his lap.

  “Is that why you tried to kill yourself? Some kind of fucking existential crisis?”

  “I guess that was part of it. And my parents are pissed at me. I came home that day after you appeared, and I took apart the altar. I told my parents to stop worshipping you and the devil because you were gonna come after us.” He glanced up, then back down at the floor. “Then a bunch of Satanists got killed on November first. Their houses burned down, just smoking bones left behind. I was really fucking scared I was next.”

  “You’re lucky I warned you when I did. Those Satanists killed cats for my birthday. Halloween.”

  He stared up at me with wide eyes, the stink of fear leaking into the air. “That was you? You killed them?”

  “Yeah, but you didn’t murder a cat on Halloween, did you?”

  A rapid shake of his head.

  “And you destroyed the altar, right?”

  A rapid nod.

  “Good for you.”

  “But what am I supposed to believe in? You’re really real, totally fucking solid. I’ve never seen another god or demon. But if you’re real, then the devil is real, and so is God. But who am I supposed to worship? You said not to be a Satanist anymore, and I’m more scared of you than the devil. He never showed up and threatened me.”

  “There’re plenty of other gods and religions out there. If you need one, just pick whatever fits best. And don’t be an asshole.”

  “I’m not. I stopped picking on your friend. I don’t pick on anyone. But no one will talk to me because I used to pick on them, and my friends are all too scared to talk to me because of what you said.” And oh, shit, here came the waterworks.

  “So you tried to kill yourself because you lost your religion and you’re lonely? And you called me here because you want someone to talk to?” I sighed. “Look, I’m not a fucking counselor or a psychiatrist. Go find a fucking professional.”

  He sniffled. “I can’t talk to anyone. They’ll think I’m crazy.”

  I rubbed the side of my face. He was a bullying asshole, or had been, and I couldn’t forget how afraid Elliot had been of him, or the way this piece of shit had called him a faggot. But if he was really trying not to be an asshole anymore… well, everyone deserved a second chance. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’ll talk to Elliot and see if he’d be willing to hang out with you.”

  “Elliot?” He frowned. “Do you think he would after the way I treated him?”

  “Maybe. No guarantees, and you better act like a decent person to him. You know what’ll happen if I find out you’re being a jackass.”

  He swallowed and nodded. “What about… the other thing? Who am I supposed to pray to?”

  I shrugged. “You could try God. He likes the whole repentant thing.”

  “No way, with all the rules and the ‘Thou Shalt Not,’ and the meek inheriting the Earth. What a load of shit.”

  I agreed with some of that but… “What’s wrong with the meek inheriting the Earth?”

  “Man, the meek don’t deserve anything. The strong inherit the Earth. They take it.”

  I glanced around at the posters—politicians and super-rich men. “Just like it says in The Book of Truth, right?” That was the Satanist “Bible,” which included the end-of-the-world story where the devil won and I stood by his side as he ruled Heaven and Earth.

  “Yeah.” He’d taken down the altar, but those posters were proof he still had the same beliefs.

  “Right about now I’m thinking I wasted my time saving your life.”

  He stared at me, then his eyes went wide. “Please don’t kill me.”

  “No, I think I’ll just leave you to your lonely, miserable life. Same rules apply, don’t pick on anyone, and don’t worship me as your world-destroying evil Antichrist, or I’ll come back and make you sorry.” I had the Internet and Mew-Mew to go home to. I didn’t have time to coddle an asshole.

  “Wait!” He stood. “Please don’t go.”

  I clenched my fist. “Maybe you don’t have any friends because you’re an asshole. You’re a power-hungry shithead and you should go back to worshipping the devil. He likes your kind, but I don’t want anything to do with you.”

  “Please,” he repeated, sliding off the bed and falling to his knees. “You’re the most badass person I’ve ever met. Tell me what I need to do. I’ll do whatever you say.”

  I growled and almost teleported right then, but I was too angry. Using my power I shoved him into his dresser. Not enough to really hurt him, just enough to jolt him and get his attention. “You want me to be your god? I am not a god of bullies and selfish assholes.”

  He cowered against the dresser. “Don’t hurt me.”

  “I am a god of abused kids, and the ones that get picked on by people like you. I am a god that loves cats and cemeteries and satellite television. If you want to follow me, you’ll have to give up the idea of taking the Earth and be happy to share it.”

  Stepping onto the bed, I tore down the poster hanging over it—a prominent congressman. I ripped it in half and threw it to the floor. “And you’ll need to get yourself some new fucking heroes.”

  He looked at me, shaking and nodding. “I will. Anything you say.”

  I hopped off the bed. “If you change your attitude, I’ll talk to Elliot. It’s up to him if he wants to deal with your stupid ass.”

  “Thank you.”

  I’d have to remind Elliot this guy couldn’t hurt him so he had no reason to be afraid. The ex-bully would have to be nice to him. Maybe Elliot would like someone to carry his books.

  Chapter 17

  I avoided Hayley and everyone else for the next few days. I kept waiting for Casey to run up to me and be all, “Oh my God, you killed people!” But no one said anything like that. It was fucking lonely. I’d gotten used to having a group of friends I saw almost every day.

  If Hayley really didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, would I have to change schools? It might be easier to start over from nothing than worry about avoiding everyone I knew all the time so I wouldn’t have to see Hayley. This is exactly why I went on lying to her for so long. I wanted my friends. I wanted my girlfriend. This sucked.

  On the fourth day, Hayley sent me a text. “Can we meet somewhere to talk?”

  “My place?” I texted back.

  “Somewhere else?”

  So she didn’t want to be alone with me. Not a good sign. I thought of a place
I would feel comfortable and safe, and immediately came up with the cemetery. Thankfully I stopped myself before I could propose that to her. Yeah, way to be extra creepy, Alex.

  “Browning Park?” It was near the school, public enough that it might make her feel safer, and we could still get far enough away from other people that they hopefully wouldn’t overhear our conversation.

  There was a long pause before she texted back, “Okay. Today after school. Meet by the sign.”

  My heartbeat thudded in my ears. “See you then.”

  Was she going to tell me it was over? Was she going to tell me she didn’t want me anywhere near her, that I should leave the school? Was she going to tell Casey what I was? Or maybe everyone in school?

  I only had one class left, which was good since I couldn’t concentrate at all. When the last bell rang, I went to my locker to grab my stuff and put away the books I didn’t need, just like every other day. I stood at the open locker and forced myself to take a deep breath. Panicking wasn’t going to do any good. I glanced around, wondering if Casey or one of my other friends was hanging around, waiting for me.

  What if they were planning some kind of intervention? I pictured it and it was absurd. What were they going to ask me to give up? Being the Antichrist? If only I could.

  I took my backpack with me and went out the door closest to the park. I’d definitely miss my bus today, but I could just teleport home. I passed through the parking lot, surrounded by a few kids on their way to their cars. Was Hayley already at the park? Was she taking a different way?

  The park looked almost empty when I got to it, although I could hear kids playing on the far side. I stood by the sign and waited with my hands stuffed in my pockets. I kept turning different ways, looking for her. A few people went past me. Still no sign of her. I got more worried. What if she’d changed her mind?

  Several long minutes later, her car turned onto the block and she parked across the street. I ran through several things to say to her as she got out of the car, but in the end all I managed was, “Hi.”