Saint of Sinners

by Devin Harnois

  “Hi,” she gave me a hesitant smile. “Let’s go find a bench.”

  I nodded and followed her into the park. We found a picnic table under a tree, far enough off the path to give us a little privacy. We sat on opposite sides and I switched between glancing at her and staring at the table.

  “So, I’ve been thinking a lot,” she said.

  I swallowed.

  “Killing people, that’s…” She shook her head. “God, Alex. I wish I didn’t like you so much.”

  I perked up. Was that a good thing? Or a bad thing? “I don’t know what to say. What I did… I’m not a good person, Hayley. But I’m not evil, either. I could’ve killed those bullies when they tried to pick on me, but I didn’t. I didn’t even hurt them much. I held back.”

  “I’m not saying you’re evil. I mean, even with what you are…” She frowned, then broke into a bitter laugh. “My last boyfriend was an asshole, and now I’m dating a murderer, and you’re the one that’s nicer to me.”

  “I like you, Hayley. I like you a lot. And I like Casey and all our friends. I just want to be normal.”

  “But you’re not. Normal people don’t kill their parents and then just go on with their lives.”

  “I know I’m not normal,” I growled. “This is all just fucking pretend.” I waved my hands around, meaning the life I had here. “Except you’re real, and how I feel about you is real.” It hit me like a punch to the gut. Oh, holy shit. “I love you.”

  She stared at me, blinking fast. “You mean it?”

  “Yes, I fucking mean it.” And it made things worse because even if she was really dumping me, I would go on loving her. It hurt enough to think about not being with her when I thought I just really liked her. “I think I’ve loved you for a while, but I couldn’t accept it when I was still lying to you. So now you know the truth, and I know I love you, and you’re dumping me. This fucking sucks.” I couldn’t win.

  She looked down at the table. Quietly, she said, “I didn’t say I was dumping you.”

  “What? You’re not?” My mood swung so fast it made me dizzy.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing. Killing people is wrong.” It sounded like she was saying it more to herself. Then she focused on me. “You should be in jail.”

  “It would be one hell of a trial. Satan could be the prosecutor and call the ghosts of the people I killed as witnesses.”

  She started to laugh and covered her mouth. “Stop that. This isn’t a joke.”

  “Sometimes you have to laugh or cry.” I studied her. “Do you want me to go to jail?” “You can’t just kill people and get away with it.”

  “They killed cats, and they would’ve gotten away with it.”

  “Cats aren’t people.”

  “They are to me.” It was a lot easier to think of them as people when they could talk to you. “Those Satanists killed them, and nothing would’ve happened to them if I hadn’t done something.”

  “They didn’t deserve to be killed for it!” Although I saw something behind her anger, like maybe part of her wasn’t so sure.

  “I thought they did.”

  “You don’t get to decide that!”

  “They were my worshippers!” I leaned closer, holding my power back so I wouldn’t set the table on fire.

  Hayley stared at me.

  I eased back, telling myself to calm down. “Human rules don’t apply to me. I’m not human. No matter how much I want to be, I’m not. When I’m here, going to school and hanging out with you guys, I do my best to be human and follow the rules. But I have another life, the one where I saved the world, where I’m the son of the devil and people worship me for different reasons. One where I hang out with gods and talk to ghosts and human rules just don’t apply.”

  She shook her head. “But you are human. You’re half human.”

  “And the other half is demon. My father is the devil. A god. I’m part god, Hayley, do you get that? If I turned myself in for killing those Satanists and my mom and stepdad, and I told them why I did it and how, they’d want to lock me up for being crazy. I’d show them the truth and then they’d probably want to kill me for being a monster, so I’d teleport the fuck out of there. The life I have here, with you and Casey and everyone, that would be over. I don’t want it to be over.” Just thinking about it made me feel sick, but it might be over anyway if she couldn’t accept what I’d done.

  Hayley started crying. “I keep telling myself what you did is wrong, but I still love you. I don’t want to be one of those girls.”

  I suddenly hated the table between us. “Hey, it’s okay.” I couldn’t even reach across and take her hand since she had her hands in her lap.

  “No, it’s not. You’re a murderer and I should be disgusted, but I’m not. Sometimes I think maybe they deserved it. I see those animal-rescue shows and I get so mad at those animal abusers. I want to hurt them.” She clenched her jaw, tears trickling down her face. “And people who hurt their kids, I think the same thing. The past few days I kept wondering if I had your powers, would I have done the same thing?”

  That was a twist I wasn’t expecting. “Would you?”

  “I wouldn’t have killed them, but I think I would’ve hurt them. A lot.”

  We stared at each other while she wiped her eyes.

  Finally I asked, “So… what does that mean?”

  “It means I don’t know what to think. You’re half demon, so if you’re violent it’s just normal for you, but what does that say about me that I want to hurt people like that?”

  “It means you’re human,” I told her. “When somebody hurts something helpless, you want to hurt them. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  She looked away. “This never bothered me before… before I found out what you were. Learning that your boyfriend is the fucking Antichrist makes you think about the nature of good and evil.” A weak laugh escaped her.

  “Yeah, well, don’t forget things are way the fuck more gray than anything you might’ve learned in Sunday school.” I’d told her about the other gods and I’d done my best to explain how the universe was layered so many things could be true at the same time.

  This time her laugh was a little stronger. “I never went to Sunday school.”

  “Maybe that’s why you ended up dating the Antichrist.” The joke slipped out and I bit my lip, wondering if it was a bad idea.

  Her eyes widened and for a second I saw fear there, then her expression shifted and she covered her mouth to stifle a laugh. “You’re terrible.”

  “I think that’s the point.” I smiled, although my heart was in my throat. Was she okay with me? Were we back together?

  After a moment she sobered, studying me across the picnic table. “What would you be like if you were just human? If you were just a regular guy with a regular family?”

  “I think about that all the time. I wish for it all the time. I bet you’ve been wishing the same thing really hard the last few days.”

  “Yeah.” She picked at a loose sliver of wood. “But then you wouldn’t be the same person. Even when you’re pretending to be human, you have the same personality. I don’t want some human version of you. I want… you.”

  “Really?” The word came out as a squeak.

  “Yeah. The last few days seriously sucked.”

  In a blink I was up and moving around the table. I sat next to her and pulled her into a kiss. Relief rolled through me and it was a long time before I came up for air. “You know why I told you, don’t you?”

  She nodded. “You didn’t want to lie to me anymore.”

  I’d never cared so much about what someone thought of me. “You’re the only one here who knows what I am. The only one who knows the real me. I needed you to know everything.”

  “Because you love me.”

  My throat closed up and I nodded.

  Hayley framed my face in her hands and kissed me. “I love you too.”

  “I love you.” I was so wonderful I had to laugh. I
kissed her all over her face and she laughed too. “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

  “You’re losing so many evil points right now.”

  That made me laugh harder. “Good!”

  ***

  I took Hayley out flying again. I mean, how can dinner and a movie compare with that? It was so, so good to be completely honest with her, to know that while she might not like everything I did, she still accepted me.

  We soared over the field with crows cawing all around us. Whenever I went flying there, they always came. They loved watching me, flying with me, teasing or encouraging me as I tried some new maneuver. My tricks were limited with Hayley hanging on to me. I didn’t dare risk dropping her.

  I spoke into her ear. “I wish I could give you wings.”

  She turned her head to give her reply. “Me, too.”

  I carried her over the tops of the trees, skimming close enough for her feet to touch the highest leaves, then I shifted, climbing into the sky. The crows kept up, laughing in their way. The sun was sinking toward the horizon, but we had hours left. So I was surprised when Hayley said, “Can we land?”

  “Sure.” I took her back to the field. “Anything wrong?” I was suddenly afraid she’d changed her mind, and all this was too weird for her.

  “No, I just…” She smiled shyly. “Can we go back to your place?”

  Before I could ask why, she kissed me. Hayley pressed close while the crows shouted, Kissing! Kissing! Kissing! If they could’ve made smooching noises, I bet they would have.

  “You mean you want… privacy?” I laughed and gestured at the crows.

  “Yeah.” She twined her fingers with mine.

  “Bye, guys,” I called to the crows. A moment later, we were back at my apartment. Hayley’s eyes looked darker and it made my heart beat faster. I kissed her, one hand going around her waist.

  She tugged me toward the bedroom. “Your wings will probably get in the way.” A hint of humor was in her expression, but that hungry look was still there.

  “What? Oh.” I still had them out. With a thought, they were gone.

  Halfway down the tiny hallway, Hayley stripped off her shirt. I ran my hand across the skin of her stomach and over the fabric of her bra. Her lips met mine again, and when she pulled back she looked like she wanted to say something. Instead, she took my hand and stepped into the bedroom.

  I pulled my shirt over my head and let it fall. We’d done this for months now, touching bare skin above the waist. But this was the first time since I’d told her everything. Looking at her in the faint light coming through the window, I thought about doing more this time.

  Soon we were on the bed, and her bra was gone. Our kisses grew deeper, hungrier. Her hand slipped to my belt and she met my eyes. “Is this okay?”

  Heat raced through me, and there was nothing supernatural about it. “Yeah, I’m ready.” Because we were in love, and it felt so right.

  It was a little awkward, a little scary. But it was perfect, too.

  Chapter 18

  I was trying to stay awake in history class. Someone stepped into the class and cleared his throat. “Excuse the interruption. Alexander Holden?”

  I blinked. “Uh, yeah?”

  “I need you to come down to the principal’s office with me.”

  Oh, shit. What had I done? I’d been behaving, doing my homework… What could I be in trouble for? “Okay.” I grabbed the stuff from my desk and shoved it in my backpack before following the guy out into the hall.

  “Do you know what he wants me for?” I asked him.

  “No. I was just told to come get you.”

  Crap. Scenarios started playing in my head. A bully who accused me of harassing him when I hadn’t messed with them in months. Someone got curious and went searching and found out all my papers were faked. Hayley let something slip to Casey and he told someone else and rumor spread until a half-truth got to an administrator and now they were investigating me for murder.

  Of all the crazy things I came up with, it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I saw when I opened the door to the principal’s office. My dad was sitting in the chair across from him and he turned to me with a smile. “Hi, Alex. I’ve missed you.” He was wearing the same face he used whenever he came to my house to beat me or lecture me about my wonderful destiny.

  The world swam and I fell against the door, just managing to stay on my feet.

  “Your uncle was telling me he was supposed to be your legal guardian and you aren’t emancipated at all. You were supposed to go live with him after child protection took you away from your parents.”

  Everything. He was ruining everything, just like he always had.

  “I’ve come to take you home.” The corner of his mouth turned up where the principal couldn’t see it. Yeah, I knew exactly what he fucking meant when he said “home.”

  “He’s not my uncle. He’s lying.” I had to lean against the door to keep from falling. Cold fear made me feel sick.

  “You’re the one who’s been lying, Alex,” Satan said.

  “He showed me all the paperwork. You gave us some very clever forgeries, Alexander. I don’t know how you did it, but forging documents like this can get you in a lot of trouble.” The principal looked pissed.

  So Satan had brought paperwork just as fake as mine, but he’d convinced the principal mine was fake and his were real. My father had had millennia to perfect his lying, and his documents were probably so good they might as well be real. If he wanted to come grab me and drag me to Hell, he could have just done it any time I wasn’t at home protected by the spell scrolls. But the fact that he’d dreamed up this little scheme meant he wanted to make me suffer more. He wanted to make it clear that school, my friends, my new life… all of it was gone.

  And it would be worse if he got his hands on me. Only one thing I could do. “I cast you out, in the name of Jesus Christ, my friend.”

  “What?” the principal asked.

  Satan frowned. “He thinks I’m possessed. Children and their imaginations. You can see how desperately he needs an adult’s guiding hand. He never should have been on his own. I thought he’d run away when no one could find him. I’m relieved to find him here, safe and sound. I’m sorry for all the trouble—”

  “Get out!” I screamed. “Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone. I cast you out. Out of my life, out of this school.”

  Satan sighed and shook his head. “As you can see, he’s clearly disturbed. I’ll get him proper treatment.”

  Something was wrong. It wasn’t working. With sick worry coiling in my stomach, I tried again. “I cast you out in the name of Jesus Christ, who gave me his blessing. Leave here and never come back.”

  He gave met this are you done yet look. “No matter how hard you try, it’s not going to work.”

  Oh shit. Had the protection worn off? Or was it because we were at school?

  The principal looked at me. “Have a seat, Alexander. We need to talk about how serious this is.”

  I stayed against the door and shook my head. This was so crazy. I stood there frozen, not sure what to do. I wouldn’t be able to talk my way out of this, not with the fucking Prince of Lies against me. If I couldn’t banish him, then what? If I ran, he’d just come after me and catch me. Where could I go? Teleport somewhere?

  “Sit down, Alex,” Satan said, his tone exactly the same one he used right before he started hitting me.

  That snapped me out of it. “Fuck you.”

  He stood up, and I flashed on all the times he’d beaten me. Not this time. I called up fire and threw a fireball at him. He brought his hand up and the fire disappeared inches from him. The principal screamed and stumbled back from his desk.

  Satan glared at me. “So you want this the hard way?” An invisible hand wrapped around my throat, choking me.

  I grabbed at it, panicked power flooding me, and I used it to shove hard. The hand let go and I sucked in a breath. I reached for Animus, but of course she wasn’t t
here. She was at home, miles from here.

  Satan growled and shoved with both hands. I slammed into the door and it resisted for a few seconds, but Satan kept pushing and the door broke with a huge snap. I flew through it, the sharp edges cutting my back and arms. I hit the ground in the outer office, the breath knocked out of me. I scrambled to my feet as he came after me.

  Around me, administrators screamed. Again I thought about teleporting, but a little voice pointed out that I’d be running. Did I want to keep running away from him my whole life?

  He threw a fireball at me and I blocked it with a fireball of my own. “Fuck you! You have to ruin everything, don’t you?”

  “Me?” He laughed bitterly. “You ruined my plans. You’re denying your destiny.”

  “Fuck destiny!” I summoned my claws and ran at him. If I was thinking, I probably would’ve tried something that didn’t get me quite so close to him. I slashed at him and he leaned back as my claws whipped past his nose. He punched me in the gut and I stumbled back. Shit, I wanted Animus so bad. I needed her.

  Still catching my breath, I hurled a chair at him with my power and it slammed into the wall, just missing him. One of the broken pieces crashed into his back, but it only made him flinch. “I was so patient this time, waiting for you to come back to me.”

  Now people were running, screaming, rushing out into the hall. I smelled burning and realized the carpet and part of the reception desk were on fire. “You thought I’d come back? You’re fucking nuts.”

  “After you killed your worshippers and your mother, I thought you’d see things my way.”

  Something crashed into my legs and I fell. Before I realized I was on the floor he was looming over me, kicking me. “You know rage, the rage I felt for Jehovah. You know the satisfaction of killing. The joy of taking control of your life.” He punctuated each sentence with a kick.

  I needed to get away, but I wasn’t going to run. I pictured the hallway outside. Teleporting was so much easier now than it had been the last time we fought. It was hard to concentrate with him kicking me, but I held on to the image just long enough. The carpet under me disappeared and then I was on the hard ground outside. I climbed to my feet, wincing at the pain in my ribs and stomach.