I nod my assurance. “I promise, I'm more than okay.”
He squeezes me even tighter to him and I revel in the feeling of the entire length of his body pressed against mine with no clothing as a barrier. “God, Hayles. . .that was. . . Shit. I love you so much.”
I press a kiss to his chest and smile up at him. “I love you too, Chase. There is a reason I was meant to wait for you.”
He smiles at my words. “Why's that?”
“Because it was perfect.”
I sleep the whole night wrapped in Chase's arms and I curse the rising sun the next morning. I just want to stay right here in my bed holding this perfect man forever. I lift my head and find that he's awake and smiling down at me.
“Morning,” he whispers through a lazy smile and touches his fingers to my cheek. His other arm is tucked behind his head, propping him up a bit.
“Morning. How long have you been awake?”
“I don't know but I've got the perfect view right here,” he says with a smirk and I glance down to find that somehow during the night I've tossed the sheet away from my back and legs and he's admiring what he sees. It's probably because I'm so warm tucked here beside him.
“Better remember that,” I tease him, flicking my head in the direction of my backside.
“No worries there. It is permanently embedded in my mind. And I promise you that you have nothing to worry about. I only want you, Hayles. I love you,” as he bends down and kisses the top of my head. I'm suddenly aware of all the nasty early morning occurrences, like bedhead and morning breath.
“Have you heard my mom at all?” I whisper, careful to make sure my mouth isn't aimed at him. He shakes his head. I trace my fingers over his tattoo and marvel at the smooth strength beneath it. I lift up and press my lips in a tender kiss right over my initial and I can feel his heart pounding beneath me. The daylight spills in through the curtains and a dark spot catches my eye along his side as I settle back beside him. I pull back a bit from him as I look down and discover another tattoo along his right ribcage. I can't believe I haven't noticed it before. I think back to the times I've seen him shirtless. When we are boarding, he usually has a life vest on that would cover it, and when he took his shirt off last night, it had been much darker. I guess I was just distracted by lust at the river or something.
“What's this?” I ask softly, now trailing my fingertips over the beautifully scripted writing that is etched into his skin. He picks his head up and glances down to where my fingertips trace the words. I can't make out what it says while I'm so close to him.
“It says, 'There's only one certainty in life: how you come into the world. Where you go from there is up to you.'” His voice is like velvet sliding across my skin and I instantly get the chills. The writing and words are absolutely beautiful, as is the body they are drawn on. It's something else that I hadn't known about him.
“When did you get it?” I inquire, still running my fingers along the words. They seem to pull at me, almost hauntingly. I know it will take time yet, but I want to know every last detail about the man I am lying curled up against.
“The day I got out of the hospital,” he says, his voice low and weighted. “I had decided while I was recovering that I was going to come back to Wake Forest. I was done just drifting and letting other people make decisions for me.”
A lump forms in my throat. The words there are so new and raw and come from a time of great sorrow, but they speak of hope and empowerment. And they speak directly to me as well. It's time that I take control of my own life. I wrap my arms snuggly around him and he holds me tightly in return. I want to take away all of his pain because I love him so completely.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask softly still watching his face from where I am propped beside him.
“I told you. Anything,” he replies.
“Why me? Why, of all the beautiful girls out there that you've been with, why am I different? Just because we were friends?”
A lazy smile spreads across his face as he looks at me. “It's always been you, Haylee. From the first time that we started hanging out together as kids. You were always the one that I looked most forward to seeing every day. I was drawn to you. . .I still am,” he shrugs, still smiling as he traces his fingertips along the side of my face. “I've come to realize that most people are like cookie cutter replicas of each other. Other girls all just seem the same to me. You've stood out to me from that very first day. You're strong and determined. You're not afraid of what other people think of you. You're just being you. You love with your whole heart and you're incredibly beautiful inside and out.”
Well, hell, what do I say to that? I don't actually think I can speak and there are tears stinging the backs of my eyes. I feel the same about him. I was drawn to him too. Always have been. I'd just never realized before how deep my feelings for him actually went.
“I've gotta get back over to Griff's and get ready to head to the airport,” he says softly, as he presses a kiss to my forehead and reality comes crashing back down around me. I nod and sit up, feeling a very heavy weight on my chest. We dress quickly and quietly, and I wish our time together could last longer.
“Can I get a picture of those?” he asks and I find a goofy grin stretched across his handsome face as he looks down at my shorts. I cover my mouth as I laugh, but turn so that my back is to him, legs slightly separated, and I glance over my shoulder with a lust-filled look. Hopefully my hair isn't ridiculous. He picks up his phone and snaps a photo of me. “Damn, girl, look what you did,” he says, his voice low and husky again. I look down and see a large bulge in the front of his shorts.
I smile and saunter over to him. I'm suddenly some kind of sex vixen! “That's for your eyes only,” I purr at him, my hands on his chest as I reach up on my tiptoes to kiss him. He groans, reaches around to pick me up, wraps my legs around his waist, and kisses me senseless. I can feel his erection pressing where I want it again so badly and I moan.
“I wish I had more time,” he whispers in a pained voice, his eyes scrunched closed as he sets me back down again.
“Me too,” I sigh, tears stinging my eyes even as I fight them off. I will miss him more than he can ever know. There are no doubts in my mind about last night, but I know that the time we've spent here is going to cause me to miss him that much more. I crave him with my entire being now.
“Hey,” he says, both hands on the sides of my face as he tilts me up to look at him. “Please don't cry. I'll be back before you know it and I won't be leaving again after that.”
He kisses me again and I feel a coldness creep into my core before he even slides my window open. This can't be like last time. I won't survive it again. Not with everything that has changed between us. He's straddling my windowsill with a hand on the tree branch as he leans in for one last kiss. “Love you, Hayles. I'll keep in touch. . .phone this time, not snail mail.”
“I love you too, Chase,” I whisper and watch as he shimmies down the tree and jogs across the lawn, blowing me a kiss as he goes. I stand there shivering with the window open for I don't even know how long. My body is shaking profusely by the time I finally slide the window down and crawl back into bed. I lay on my side with the covers pulled up tight to my chin and sob as I realize that my pillow smells like Chase. I wonder how long that will last.
There's a knock on my bedroom door and I wake with a start and glance at my clock. It's 10:25 and Chase's flight left at 9:45. He's gone. More tears come. The knock sounds again but I still don't answer. I am numb.
“Haylee, it's Griff, and I know you're in there crying,” his muffled voice floats through my door. “You can open up or I'm gonna just come in there anyway.”
“Just come in,” I mutter so I won't have to get up. I don't even bother to lift my head as I hear the door creak open and Griff's big feet pad into the room. I feel the mattress dip down beside me and he pulls the sheets down away from my face a little bit.
“If you think for one second that I
'm gonna just let you lay here and wallow in self-pity then you are out of your mind, little girl,” he tells me and I close my eyes and groan. I just feel so empty and alone even with Griff sitting right beside me. I don't want to move from my cocoon of warmth, memories, and Chase's scent. I want to just stay right here and sleep the time away until he comes back. Completely pathetic, but it's the reality of how I feel.
“Someone needs your help,” he tells me and I figure he's just trying anything to get me up, so I still lay unmoving. “Momma had the babies last night.”
Okay, that's probably the one thing he can say that would get me up. Leave it to Griff. “How many?” I ask, my voice hoarse from crying. I pull myself up into a sitting position and a shit-eating grin spreads across Griff's face.
“You better not just be messing with me!” I warn him with my brows raised. I don't think he would lie to me about something like that just to get me up, but he looks suspicious.
He laughs at my warning. “I'm not lying, and she had five.”
“Get outta here while I put some clothes on and I'll meet you down at the barn,” I tell him, waiting to toss the covers back knowing what I am wearing. Griff has seen me like this before, but I've never thought much about it. After Chase's reaction last night though, I'm thinking about it.
Griff stands up then and the smirk on his face tells me that he's glad his mission has been successful.
Chapter 18 - Haylee
I don't even bother to put a bra on. I just throw a hoodie over my tank and pull on a pair of jogging pants. I wrap a rubberband around the mess that is my hair and make a quick pit stop before jogging down to the barn. Griff and his dad are there, just sitting back a bit and watching Momma take care of her kittens.
“I half expected to find you sleeping out here last night,” Dr. Michaels says to me as I step up beside them. My cheeks burn with color as I remember where I was last night instead of out here in the barn.
“I didn't know she was that close,” I reply, just watching in fascination as Momma licks her babies as they nurse from her. “Any trouble?”
“Not that I can tell. This is how I found them all this morning and they're all healthy,” Dr. Michaels replies. I feel Punkin bump up against my leg then, her soft fur dragging along my skin. I bend over and scoop her up into my arms. She's watching the new mother and kittens as well.
“Did you make any flyers yet?” I ask Griff. He's amazing at graphic arts and always makes flyers to put up around town announcing that there are kittens available.
“Not yet. Their eyes aren't even open yet. I'll get pictures of them to put on it too when it's closer to time,” Griff replies. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I need this. I need to focus on something other than the way I feel about Chase being gone. This mother and kittens are going to get my undivided attention for a while. It's nice to have a purpose that feels important to me. These kittens couldn't have come at a more perfect time.
I spend my days dancing when I have to, working at Dr. Michaels as often as possible--I begged him for anything to do, boarding when I can squeeze it in, and helping Momma with her new babies. It's important that I'm there with them often, so that she knows she can trust me with them. She's doing great and is even letting us hold the kittens, at least for a few minutes at a time.
Chase texted when he arrived at LAX and often since then. I scramble for my phone whenever it chimes with an incoming text, but I still miss him terribly. He has started packing up with Dylan's help and even took first place in his division at the competition. I wish I could have been there to see it. He is working on getting out of his lease on his apartment and selling his truck. He plans to just buy a new one when he gets out here so that he doesn't have to drive across the country. He is going to hire a moving company to ship the stuff that he wants to keep. He and Griff text back and forth as well, and I'm fairly certain that he has asked Griff to look after me because I always feel Griff watching me and inviting me along to do whatever he's doing. It's a little much sometimes. I have no desire to join him and some friends at the bar to be his decoy or wingman or whichever mood he is in. I know that he means well, and I appreciate his concern, but I can survive for a couple of hours on my own.
One night I come home from the barn and find Mom sitting in the kitchen in complete darkness. Not one light is on and it freaks me out. I flip on the overhead light and she startles as she looks over me, unaware that I'm even in the house. Things are getting worse instead of better.
“Why are you sitting here in the dark, Mom?” I ask her.
She looks around for a moment as though she hasn't even realized it has gotten dark out and I wonder how long she's been sitting here like that. “I am just. . . I don't know,” she replies and even her voice seems distant. I sit down in the chair beside hers and reach out to take her hand. We haven't talked since I'd found Chase's letters and it's time.
“Mom, I'm really worried about you,” I start softly. She just attempts to smile and shakes her head like always.
“I'm fine, sweetie,” she murmurs. Guess that's where I get that line from. “And I truly am so sorry about keeping his letters from you.”
My heart squeezes. Maybe the way I reacted caused her to get even worse. I am always so careful of what I say and do around her and I was just so angry that day that I snapped. I feel terrible.
“It's okay, Mom. I forgive you. I know you were just trying to help me,” I tell her. I have forgiven her, and even though I don't completely understand why she thought keeping them from me would make things any better, Chase and I have gotten past that now. I sat on the floor of my bedroom the evening after Chase left and read each and every letter he'd sent me. I feel awful to realize that he believed that the reason I never wrote back was that I moved on to new friends and didn't want to bother with him anymore. It's been difficult for me to learn that when it couldn't have been farther from the truth. It's taken some time for me to get past the fact that Mom's actions have altered the course of our lives in a negative way, but I know that I have to. My heart swells though when he pours out his feelings for me on paper. For whatever reason, we've been given a second chance and maybe things wouldn't have worked out between us before.
There are tears pouring down Mom's cheeks. “I'm glad that you found a way to forgive me,” she sniffles. “But I'm not sure I can forgive myself.”
I stand up and drop down on my knees in front of her, wrapping my arms around her waist like a small child would. She sobs into my hair and I cry along with her because I'm afraid for her. She is deep in some kind of depression that is beyond my help.
“I think you need to talk to someone,” I say softly when I finally pull back and sit down on my heels. I'm afraid of how she'll react. She saw a counselor for about a month after dad's death, but she got overwhelmed by dealing with all that had to be done for his funeral and burial, cleaning his clothes out of their closet, and having to step up and take on the role of a single mother. So she eventually quit going in favor of working more hours to provide for us. I'm an adult now though and capable of handling a lot more and taking care of my own expenses. It's time that she takes some time to get her own life back.
Looking back, I don't think I really gave my mom enough credit for all that she has gone through and all that she has done. She's gone from very part- time work to a full-time job, and even works overtime and extra shifts to ensure that we won't feel the pinch too much. Dad left us plenty to keep our heads above water, but that money won't last forever and Mom stepped right up to become the breadwinner. She made sure I had everything I needed for school and helped me with homework on the nights that she didn't have to work even though I could see that she was tired. She made sure that I kept dancing, and I decided to keep right on doing it because I saw early on that it was a bright spot for her. She loved to come and watch our performances and I loved to see a smile on her face when she did. She helped me get a car when it was time and fill out college applications when that time came t
oo. She was disappointed that I didn't choose to go to a school for dance, but I just can't do it. I know it's not where my future is. Even though I am talented enough to probably get in, I just want to be done with it.
I had chosen to stay local for college at least for the first year. It would be a lot of core classes no matter where I went, so why spend extra money? I had gotten a few scholarships that would help with tuition.
“I think you're right, Haylee,” she finally speaks and her voice is barely above a whisper. “I'll give my counselor a call in the morning.” She smiles weakly at me and I'm slightly relieved. I will have to check with her and make sure she actually makes the call, but this is progress.
“Thanks, Mom. I love you,” I tell her and press a kiss to her cheek. “Ready to head up for bed?”
She nods and follows me up the stairs. I wonder if I hadn't come in then, how long she would have sat there? All night? I shiver at that thought and hope the counseling will be what she needs this time.
The next week is a long one for me. I keep insanely busy in order to keep from dwelling on the fact that Chase is still gone. True to her word, Mom has gone to see her counselor--twice this week --and she already seems a little bit better. I work as many hours as Dr. Michaels will give me at the office and go to dance when I have to. I'm planning to talk to Mom about quitting, but I want to give her a little more time with her counselor first.
One evening, I head out to the barn to hang out with Griff and play with Momma and the kittens. Their eyes are open now and they're beginning to get adventurous, wandering farther from Momma. They each have their own little personalities. My favorite is the female runt of the litter. She's still quite tiny compared to her siblings and always comes right up to me and plays with anything loose I'm wearing, eventually snuggling into my lap.
“So you gonna come out with us tonight?” Griff asks me. He's going to a bar in town with Max and Parker again. He usually asks me at least once a week, but I haven't gone yet.
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