On the Plus Side

by Vargo, Tabatha

  “What if I’ve knocked you up?” He jerked his shirt over his head. “I said I didn’t have a condom, but you just kept pushing me to keep going!”

  “But, Devin, I can’t…,” he cut me off again.

  “Do you think I wanna get stuck with you like that?” He pointed at me and I caught his disgusted face as he bent down to tie his shoes.

  In that moment a tiny piece of me died.

  Pain shot through me, his words cutting so deeply that I was positive I was bleeding to death.

  I didn’t even have time to tell him that it was impossible for me to get pregnant before he grabbed his keys and ran out my bedroom. I heard the front door opening and then I heard it slam shut… just like my heart.

  I’d never in my life felt so used and disgusting. The look in his eyes at the thought of being “stuck” with me, it was tragic. Here I was, spilling my heart to him and giving myself to him in every way I could, and he was obviously pushing me away the entire time. I threw myself at him, and a man’s a man, they can only turn it away for so long, right?

  He didn’t want me, but I was there and I was ready and what kind of stupid asshole would turn down a wet and ready female?

  I fell back into my pillows and cried like I hadn’t cried since I was fifteen. I cried like it was freshman year all over again and I was being ridiculed for being the fat kid. I cried like I swore I’d never cry again and I made a promise to myself in that moment that this would really be the last time. I was done, done with everyone, especially Devin. I would never let myself get this hurt again. Never!

  Nineteen

  Heartbroken Heartbreaker

  It had been three days since I last saw or spoke to Lilly and I was miserable. I missed her. I’ve never really missed anyone before, well except my mom, but I think the hate I had for her got me through. I don’t hate Lilly. I love her. I can say that to myself now. I’m in love with Lilly and it fucking sucks.

  I don’t know why I freaked out on her like I did, I wasn’t even mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because for the first time in my life I lost control with a woman. I’ve never in my life done that. My only excuse is that sex with Lilly was amazing. She was amazing.

  Every time I closed my eyes I could still see her squirming beneath me with her eyes closed and her mouth open in pleasure. I could still hear her moaning my name and panting as she, for the first time, experienced an orgasm, an orgasm that I gave her with my body. Just thinking about it got me turned on and so for almost two days I walked around rock hard daydreaming about Lilly. I hadn’t jacked off that much since I was thirteen.

  I was in the middle of one of those daydreams while trying to change the oil in a little four-door Honda, which reminded me of Lilly, when, like a dumbass, I was suddenly covered in all the old oil that was inside the car.

  “Damn!” I pulled myself from under the car to find my dad laughing down at me.

  He handed me a rag and I started wiping the oil off of my face and arms. What the hell was the matter with me?

  “You know you need to just break down and call that gal. You been screwing up things around this garage for two days now. I can’t afford to keep ya around, boy.” He smiled his secret smile.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I started throwing around nuts and bolts and cleaning up the oil.

  “It’s OK to admit that you miss her. Don’t be an ass like I was. What’d you do anyway?”

  “Why do you automatically assume that I did something? Don’t you have any faith in me?”

  “Oh come on, boy, that girl couldn’t hurt a fly. Matter of fact, she’s pretty damn close to perfect, ain’t she? Shoot, I’d scoop her up before someone else did, that’s for damn sure. Don’t be a fool, Devin.” He walked back to the truck he was working on and didn’t say another word.

  He was right. He usually was, but I couldn’t do it. I love her and I have to make it go away. It was my way of protection. Never again would I be left the way I was when I was young. Never again would another female leave me heartless the way my mother did.

  There’s no other way to it, women leave. They love you and then they leave. I can’t let that happen. So, I’m leaving Lilly alone, before she breaks me down even more.

  “Dad, I’m gonna take off for a few days. Maybe head down to spend time with Alex in Jacksonville. I just need some time to think. You think you could hold it down here while I’m gone?”

  “I held this place down for many years before you came along. I might be old, but I think I can handle things around here without you.” He huffed and went back to work. “But you can’t outrun it, no matter how fast you run.”

  I ignored him and went inside to get a quick shower. Right after that I was on the phone with my cousin, Alex, who I hadn’t seen in three years, followed by packing a few things in my black-suit case.

  An hour later, and after telling Jenny I’d be back in a few days, I was out the door and in my car on the interstate headed to Florida. It might seem extreme, but I needed a vacation. I needed time to think about what the hell I was doing.

  I drove in silence until I was half way through Georgia. I turned my cell phone on silent and just drove. So many things went through my mind. So many things kept eating at me: Losing the shop, the only home I’d ever known, and Lilly, the only woman to ever steal my heart. Without even doing anything, without even realizing it, Lilly broke my heart and it wasn’t even her fault. It was my fault.

  I’ve left many broken hearts in my tracks and honestly I never thought twice about it. Now, for the first time in my life I was sorry for the things I’d done. I was sorry if I’d ever made anyone feel any kind of pain. The worst part was that I took something from Lilly I could never give back. I took her virginity when I didn’t deserve it. I was thief! I was a sick, perverted, selfish man who deserved all the pain I felt right then.

  I made it to Alex’s place in no time. I brought in my black suitcase and then we grabbed a quick bite at a small restaurant. The small family reunion of just me and Alex was continued at a bar down the street from his apartment. I drank so much that I don’t even know how we made it back to his place.

  I woke up the next morning with the worse hangover I’d ever had in my life. I couldn’t even get off of the couch. I had relaxed there for about an hour with a pounding headache when I started to smell bacon.

  “Hey, Dev! You up, bro? I’m cooking a quick breakfast!” Alex yelled across his small one-bedroom apartment.

  Each syllable banged inside my head causing the ache to get worse. I rolled off the couch and suddenly felt nauseated. It made me wonder how the hell Dad did it every day.

  I dragged myself into his kitchen and fell into a chair.

  “Could you not yell anymore, please?” I rubbed my temple.

  Alex sat a beer in front of me and the smell of it made my stomach roll.

  “Bite the dog, bro, it’s the only way.”

  I pinched my nose and downed the beer as quickly as I could. Then I devoured the greasy bacon and eggs that Alex threw on a broken plate for me.

  “So—to what do I owe the honor?” Alex asked as he relaxed against the kitchen counter.

  “Just needed a break,” I bit off another piece of the bacon, which was surprisingly settling my stomach a bit.

  “A break, huh? Seems to me you were doing more than taking a break last night. I know my family, and I’d say you were drowning some sorrows, and I do mean drowning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone drink that much in my life.”

  “I wasn’t drowning anything, just having a few with my favorite cousin. So, how’s Aunt Peggy?” I changed the subject quickly.

  “She’s OK, I guess, same ole mom. How’s Uncle Herald and Jenny? She still a ball buster?”

  We continued to catch up. I never mentioned the fact that we were about to lose everything and I never said anything Lilly, even though she stayed on my mind the entire time.

  I couldn’t help but wonder
if she was OK. Did I hurt her? Does she hate me? Fuck it. I hope she hates me! Maybe it will make it easier to let her go. This bipolar inner monologue continued for hours.

  I checked my phone constantly to see if I had any missed calls. I wanted her to call so bad, but at the same time I hoped she wouldn’t. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and beg for her forgiveness, but I could never speak to her again. It was that simple.

  That night, while sleeping on Alex’s horrible broken down couch, I had another nightmare about Lilly turning into my mother and leaving me. I woke up at two in the morning more hell bent on cutting all ties with Lilly than I was before I went to sleep. It would be hard to do. When I told Lilly that I was addicted to her, it was the truth, but she was one habit I was determined to break.

  Twenty

  Flashbacks

  “Lil, what’s up with you?” Shannon asked.

  “Nothing I’m just tired.” I rolled back over to attempt to go back to sleep.

  After Devin literally loved me and left me, I cried, got angry, took a shower to wash away the disgust, and then I got in my bed where I had been ever since.

  “Mrs. Franklin’s really worried about you, Lil. You never miss work, and if I’m being honest, if you don’t start eating soon, I’m going to call your mother.”

  “Please don’t torture me more by calling her. I’ll eat in a while. I just really need some sleep.”

  She said something else, but I just ignored her and went back to sleep. When I opened my eyes again it was dark outside. Someone was ringing my doorbell and banging on my door like a crazy person. I kept waiting for Shannon to answer it, but apparently she wasn’t there.

  I wrapped my blanket around myself and dragged ass to the front door. I slung it open and was surprised to see Jenny standing there.

  “Dayum! You look like ass, Lil. Are you sick?”

  “No. I’m just tired. Is something wrong?”

  The minute I saw her standing there I thought instantly of Devin. I suddenly had a horrible thought about something bad happening to him. Even though his name was like fire in my throat I had to ask.

  “Are Dad and Devin OK?”

  “Oh yeah, everyone’s fine. Dad’s at home and Dev went to Florida.”

  Oh my God! Did he move to Florida? Am I really never going to see him again?

  I started to panic.

  “For good?” The words squeaked out.

  “Hell no! He just went to visit our cousin, Alex. He should be back in two days.”

  I was pissed at myself for being so relieved.

  “Well, what’s up?”

  “I got a date!” She squealed like an actual teenage girl.

  “What? Come in, come in! Tell me everything!”

  I pulled her into my apartment and for the first time in days I felt normal as she proceeded to tell me about this guy named Justin who asked her to the school dance.

  “I know its last minute, but could you please help me get dressed. I have no idea what to do,” she shrugged innocently.

  “I’d love to! Call Dad and make sure it’s OK for you to sleep over and then we can spend all day tomorrow shopping and getting you ready. What time is Justin picking you up?”

  “He’ll be at my house at six.”

  Jenny called and of course Dad was OK with her crashing at my place for the night. Shannon came home soon after that. We had Chinese delivered and then spent the night watching chick flicks. I tried with all my might not to talk about Devin or much less think about him. I failed horribly at the last part. I kept thinking about his spontaneous trip to Florida and if it had anything to do with me. I kept wondering if he was even thinking about me.

  I went to sleep that night feeling a little better. For some reason, Jenny being with me made things easier. It was the next best thing to having Devin there.

  The next morning we got up early, had a quick breakfast, and then headed to the mall. This shopping thing was getting more fun every time I went. We got our hair and nails done and finally, when we were about to give up, we found a gorgeous emerald green knee-length dress that Jenny agreed to wear.

  When we walked into Devin’s house I thought Dad was going to have a heart attack when he saw Jenny. She looked beautiful. Her hair and make-up were perfection and the green of her dress brought out her eyes beautifully.

  Dad and I met Justin, who seemed like a really nice kid, and then, like a proud older sister, I watched as he gave her a pretty corsage and opened the car door for her. I was so proud and sad at the same time. I looked around me.

  I watched Jenny go and looked over at Dad. I shouldn’t have been there. Once the cute couple was completely out of sight I told Dad I was going to head back home. I had no idea what he and Jenny knew, but since the excitement of Jenny’s moment was over, I felt out of place.

  “You can stick around, Lilly. Maybe have some dinner with an old man.” Dad said as he took a quick swig of his beer.

  “I’d love to, but I really gotta get home. Me and Shannon have some plans tonight and it’s getting late.” I tried to come up with a quick reason to leave.

  Being there, in that house full of pictures of Devin when he was younger was making me crazy. The desire to go to his room, lie in his bed, and cry was too overwhelming. As sad as it sounds, even the smell of the old house was depressing me.

  “OK, honey. Don’t be a stranger.”

  “I won’t,” I lied.

  I reached up and gave him a quick hug. I knew I’d probably never see him or Jenny again. Sadness filled me, and before I started to cry and made myself look like an idiot, I quickly turned to leave.

  “He misses you,” Dad called after me.

  I stopped.

  “What?”

  “I just thought you should know. Devin misses you.”

  Crying was becoming a regular thing for me these days. I cried the entire way back to my apartment. When I got home Shannon finally forced me to tell her what was going on. She hugged me while I cried on her shoulder.

  With swollen eyes and an achy throat, I fell asleep in my bed.

  At around eleven that night my cell phone started to ring. In a sleepy haze, I almost didn’t answer it in time.

  “Hello,” I answered half asleep.

  “Lilly! It’s me, Jenny! Could you please come and get me?”

  She was in a panic.

  I sat up quickly and rubbed my foggy eyes.

  “Where are you?” I asked quickly.

  I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was definitely wrong.

  “At an after party. There’s a bunch of coked out older people here and some fucker grabbed my tit. Justin’s drunk and can’t drive. Please come and get me,” she begged.

  I got directions as I tied my shoes and threw my things in my purse.

  “I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Don’t move!”

  I was out the door and at a house full of people my age in no time. I got out of my car and made my way through the crowd on the front lawn. The music was so loud I could barely hear myself think.

  When I got inside of the house I went up to a few girls and asked if they knew where I could find Jenny. No one seemed to know who I was talking about. I saw Justin passed out in the corner then, after searching the entire first floor and breathing in entirely too much second-hand smoke, I took the stairs two at time.

  I threw open every door I came to searching for Jenny. The music seemed to follow me and I still couldn’t hear anything, but out of nowhere the sound of a screaming girl seemed to pierce through the loud rap song that was playing.

  I ran toward the scream and ended up in front of the very last door in the long hallway. Without a second thought, I slammed the door open. There struggling on the bed was Jenny and three older men. She was fighting them off with all of her might as they ripped at her pretty green dress.

  Memories of that day in the woods when I was being attacked by the malevolent cheerleaders ran through my mind.
I could hear my screams in my mind, I could hear myself begging for them to stop beating me, and then Jenny screamed again and it pierced my memories and brought me back to the moment. They were trying to rape her. I only had a second of shock before I went in for the attack.

  “Get away from her!” I screamed.

  I picked up a huge, red vase and slammed it against the head of the first guy I came to. It shattered as he fell to the floor out cold. The other two attackers swung around on me and I saw Jenny’s terror-filled eyes as she struggled to get off the bed. Her dress was ripped and her hair was a mass of tumbling curls. Black mascara ran down her face with the tears that were rushing down her cheeks.

  “What the hell?” one of the guys said.

  “Who the hell are you? Look, Eric, it’s a baby hippo!” They laughed.

  More memories of being taunted in high school slammed into my mind, all the horrible names, all the bullying and teasing.

  “Just let her go,” I tried to sound as calm as possible.

  “Why don’t you go downstairs and find something to eat. I’m sure you’d much rather be stuffing your fat trap than worrying about other people’s business.”

  “Oh fuck that. I got something I can stuff in her fat trap.”

  They laughed again.

  With a growl I threw myself at the guy closest to me, but he was stronger than he looked. He pushed me against the wall and I watched as his fist came up. In slow motion it came down against my face.

  My cheek exploded and I tasted the blood instantly. I reached out and dug my nails into whatever skin I could find. I could hear Jenny fighting with the other guy in the background. I needed to get to her. I needed to help her.

  Another hit came and I felt myself go dizzy. I heard cheerleaders laughing and at the same time I could see Jenny fighting for her life across the room as I fell to the floor. The memory was somehow blending with my reality.

  I heard her continue to scream and fight, but every time I attempted to get up there was another kick to my ribs. Finally, the kicks never stopped as my attacker repeatedly put his steel-toed boot into my stomach.