Hell On Heels

by peterman, robyn

  "Not today," she screamed over the whistling and shrieking weather pattern we were trapped in.

  "Is this your normal mode of travel?"

  "Only on Tuesdays," she replied at earsplitting decibels.

  "Holy shit, Gigi," Astrid spat as we landed in a clump at her feet. "You'd better have a good explanation for this because I am feeling violent and fat. I don't care how we're related, I'm two seconds away from offing your unstable pole dancing ass."

  "I just love how disrespectful you are," Gigi said as she embraced my pregnant cousin in her arms. "It's lovely to be with my two favorite granddaughters."

  "Lovely's not the word I'd use at the moment," Astrid griped. I was in shock that she threatened to whack Mother Nature and was still alive. Well, as alive as a dead person could be.

  "Excuse me," Ethan ground out through clenched teeth and he uprooted a massive tree to enter the room. He was gorgeous normally, but he was positively breathtaking when furious. "If we're done with the niceties, I'd like you to fix my fucking home and leave."

  "Is he always this testy?" Grandma asked.

  "Only when monkeys are crawling up his ass," Astrid explained.

  "How are we supposed to stay here in this forest?" he demanded.

  "Clusterfuck," I muttered.

  "What?"

  "It's more of a clusterfuck than a forest," I offered.

  "I'd call it a clusterfuck of epic proportions, and I am so proud of you, Dixie!" Astrid gave me a thumbs up over her big tummy.

  "For what?" I asked.

  "For dropping the f-bomb. It agrees with you. Lowers your ridiculously high IQ just a bit and shows the world you're a goddamned Demon."

  "Um, thanks. I think."

  "You really shouldn't take your uncle's name in vain," Mother Nature tsked.

  "And you shouldn't turn my home into a safari adventure," Astrid shot back.

  "I didn't mean to," she said as she dropped her head into her delicate hands.

  Wait. What? Mother Nature made a mistake? This did not bode well.

  "This was an accident?" Ethan roared. "You destroyed my home by accident?"

  "Yes," she whispered.

  "Fix it," he said in a quiet voice that made the hair on my neck stand up.

  "I can try, but the magic in this area is off balance and it's affecting my mojo," she pouted.

  "What the Hell are you talking about?" Astrid's eyes narrowed at our grandma as Ethan's ire bounced around the room knocking monkeys from their perches in the flowering trees that protruded from the walls.

  "I mean," she whined defensively as she removed a monkey from her head. "That something bad is happening and it put a woowoo wrench in my juju."

  "Holy shit," I said and laughed. "That sounds disgusting and painful. . .and wrong."

  "Well, it's about time," Mother Nature crowed.

  "I'm sorry. What?"

  "It's about time you started growing some balls, young lady. How in the world will you save the day if your testicles haven't dropped yet? Showing disrespect to your elders is a good start. Ask your cousin," Gigi said.

  I truly hoped she was using balls as a metaphor. I discreetly glanced down and sighed in relief. I was sack-less.

  "I'm not disrespectful, you crazy old cow," Astrid snapped.

  Mother Nature produced a dictionary out of thin air and tossed it to Astrid. "Look it up. You're listed under Big Balls and Vampyre-Demon With a Death Wish."

  "Nope. I'm listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only freak in history to have an eight-headed Vampyre-Demon baby after five years of gestation."

  Grandma Gigi threw her head back and laughed. The monkeys clapped their hands and danced wildly around her. "Your child will come soon," she said.

  "What?" Ethan asked, visibly alarmed. "How soon?"

  "Very soon, and I have a lot to tell you people. First of all. . ."

  "No!" an unfamiliar German accented voice bellowed. "You will stop right now unless you want to change the tides of destiny and turn your family to dust. If you persist you will pay," the voice growled ominously.

  What the Hell? My fingers tingled and my magic came up fast and violent, making me dizzy. My family was certifiable, but no German douchebag was going to destroy them. They were capable of doing that themselves with no outside help. I turned in the direction of the enemy and let my power rip. A fiery explosion flew from my fingertips and then the screaming started. . .

  "Dixie, no!" Astrid yelled. "It's The Kev and Gemma. Do not under any circumstance kill my friends."

  Her friends? Shit. Did I just kill her friends?

  "Amazing! This, the cousin of you has the power that is from one with the big balls!" The Kev, who looked alarmingly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, said. "Good aim and the trigger of the finger is impressive."

  "Um, not sure I followed that, but are you okay? If I'd known you were Astrid's friends I wouldn't have tried to kill you," I mumbled apologetically. And why was everyone so concerned with my balls? Discreetly I checked again.

  "Of course you wouldn't have," a crazily beautiful woman, who I assumed was Gemma, said kindly as she patted out the fire still dancing up her dress. "That was a Hell of a wallop of magic, dude." She grinned at me as she made her way to my cousin. She carried black raspberry chip ice cream along with chips and salsa. Sweet baby Satan. . .was she unaware that Astrid couldn't eat that?

  I was powerful, but my cousin was slightly unhinged at the moment. I glanced frantically around the room and looked for cover. Astrid was nutty under normal circumstances, but flashing food in her face was sure to be ugly. She was pregnant, for Uncle God's sake. As I headed for a clump of bushes, I stopped dead in my tracks. The Kev was wearing a tutu, sparkly tights and a jog bra. Not to mention his scent was a mystery to me. The scent I would figure out, but his outfit. . .I wasn't so sure. Was he gay? I kind of thought he and Gemma were an item, but who would date a man in a woman's ballet costume?

  "And may I ask why you have chosen the Teminator as your cover again?" Mother Nature asked grumpily. "Also, as much as I loathe saying it. . .thank you."

  "You have the welcome from me," he replied to my grandma. He gave me a wink and I couldn't help but giggle.

  "What are you?" I asked.

  "I'm a Fairy."

  "Oh, well that explains a lot," I said and then slapped my hand over my mouth. "I mean, I have no problem with homosexuality—at all. I think everyone's sexual preference is their own business and I'm impressed that you are so comfortable with your um. . .you know, and your outfit is very sparkly and fun," I stammered and wanted to die. The laughter in the room was mortifying. The Kev laughed the loudest.

  "No, no, my little krumecaca. I am a Fairy, as in the magical being. I too have no problem with the homosexuality, but I can assure you that I am not gay."

  "Amen to that," Gemma chimed in as she sat next to my cousin and scarfed down the ice cream.

  "Sorry about that," I whispered, wondering if I could make a polite exit. I'd already put my foot down my throat. At the rate I was going I didn't want to find out if I could pull it out of my ass.

  "She is so young," The Kev said as he took my hand. His touch was gentle, but I sensed he could be very dangerous if he didn't like you.

  "I know," Mother Nature snapped. "And if that asswhacking floozy hadn't fallen down on her job. . ."

  "Enough," The Kev ground out. Before my eyes he morphed into a man so beautiful I had to turn away. "How much damage can you do in a day?" he hissed, referring to the jungle.

  "I'm leaving," she snapped. "While I enjoy disrespect, there's only so much one can take in a half hour."

  In a blinding blast of glitter and sparks, Mother Nature made her exit.

  "Son of a bitch." Ethan groaned as he slapped some overzealous monkeys out of the way. "She destroys my home, tells us the baby is coming soon, almost turns us to dust and just leaves?"

  "Looks like it," Astrid said as she bit into her friend's wrist. She made little happy sl
urping sounds as she drank. Hades, my family was screwed up. I was also highly aware that Grandma was referring to my mother. At this point I was fairly sure I wanted nothing to do with my mother. She seemed like more trouble that all my relatives put together. Awesome.

  "You have Black Magic," The Kev said as he examined my hands. I tried to glance up, but had to squint due to his redonkulous beauty.

  "Turn off the Fairy glamour, babe," Gemma told The Kev. "No one except me can actually look at you and not singe their corneas."

  "Whoops." He laughed and morphed back into Kindergarten Cop. . .accent and all.

  "Um, does the morph affect your brain?" I asked as I realized I was losing my polite filter in a big way.

  "Not at all, my strudel pookie. Why have you to ask the silliness of the question?"

  "Because you talk like a dumbass when you're in the Arnold's body," Astrid volunteered as Ethan winced.

  "I do that because it makes the fun for me and drives you to the crazy," he told my cousin as he grinned from ear to ear.

  "Right now you can do whatever you want. I'm drinking black raspberry chip flavored blood," Astrid announced happily as she went back to Gemma's wrist.

  "Wait. What?" Gemma could flavor her blood? I wondered if Grandpa could do that next time I had to suck on his neck.

  "Yep." Gemma grinned and held up the pint of ice cream. "Whatever I eat, I apparently taste like. Do not share that info with any Vamps. I only have so much blood to go around."

  "Got it," I said. "Do you think that would work with Demons?"

  "You want to have the drink of my mate's blood?" The Kev asked, surprised.

  "No," I quickly replied. "I, um. . ." Shit on a flaming stick. How did I get out of this one?

  "You drank from Grandpa," Astrid said as she watched me closely. "And it tasted like ass to you."

  The jig was up and I was actually kind of relieved. I knew Astrid had Black Magic. . .maybe she could help me with mine. "Well, I wouldn't exactly say ass—more like burnt butt."

  "Can you control this magic?" The Kev asked, ignoring the buttocks discussion.

  Where the Hell did his accent go?

  "Um. . ."

  "Of course she can't. No one in our fucked up family gives anyone directions, much less a straight answer," Astrid snapped. "I'll help her."

  "No, you won't," Ethan said. "We're leaving, which is what I think your whackjob of a grandmother intended when she destroyed our home."

  "He's right," Gemma agreed. "The magic in the area is screwed with a capital S and you’re about to blow a seven-headed baby out of your hooha. You have to leave for a while."

  "I'm not going anywhere," Astrid informed the room as Ethan banged his head against a tree. "And my baby will only have five heads. My cousin is in trouble, and quite honestly left to her own devices she could blow up the continental United States. I'm staying."

  "Ethan is correct, my leibchen. You will be leaving. I will be staying and training Dixie. Her magic cannot hurt Gemma or myself," The Kev said.

  "Are you a True Immortal?" I asked. Was Grandpa wrong about who my magic affected?

  "No, but trust me on this. The ways of the Fairy are a mystery to most other races. I will teach you."

  "I call bullshit," Astrid snapped. "Not that you’re not a Hell of a teacher with a fist like a Mack truck, but Dixie is mine. I will take care of her."

  "No, Astrid," I said, surprising myself and the rest of the room—mostly my cousin. "You're leaving. I belong to no one but me and I would never forgive myself if something happened to you or the baby. I have something to do here. Something I have to do myself and I swear on Hades I will do my best not to blow up the United States, but just in case I think you should go to Europe. The Kev, I accept your offer. I have three Demons with me—Carl, Janet and Myrtle,—and they have been training me."

  "Sweet baby Jesus in a thong," Astrid shouted. "Carl, Janet and Myrtle? We're all gonna die."

  "Nope, not today," The Kev said. "I know of Carl, Janet and Myrtle. . .they are far more than they seem. And I admire Carl's dress sense."

  Of course he did.

  Several other very attractive Vampyres quietly made their way into the room and bowed to Ethan. Astrid, clearly unused to not getting her way, stomped around the room and tried to find something to break.

  "My Liege," a gorgeous dark haired Vampyre said. "We are armed, ready to go."

  "We'll be with you momentarily, Heathcliff," Ethan replied.

  "Fine," Astrid said wearily. "Dixie, you will call me if you need me. Gigi said the twelve-headed baby boy will be here soon and I have decided to believe her even though she's an unstable, foul-mouthed fucking walking disaster area." Astrid punctuated her description with a resounding crash as she blew out all the windows in the room with a flick of her fingers.

  "Pot. Kettle. Black, dude," Gemma said as Astrid giggled and Ethan banged his head on a tree again.

  "Now," Ethan growled.

  "I'm coming," Astrid said as she took me into a tight hug. "You will be careful and kill anything that looks at you sideways. Do you understand me?"

  "Yep."

  "You'll kill it? Not just maim it or hurt it a little?"

  "I will kill it," I said firmly.

  She narrowed her eyes and gave me one last hug before Ethan attempted to pull her from the room. I idly stroked a monkey that had wrapped itself around my waist and gave my cousin a little shove.

  "Go. I promise if I need anything I will call."

  "Okay, but you will be taking the babies." She reached into her pocket. "Here."

  In her palm Beyonce, Abe, Rachel and Ross danced around and beat the tar out of each other. She was offering me her tiny yet very destructive baby Demons.

  "Are you sure?" I asked as I tried not to bounce with excitement. I loved the baby Demons. They were a little difficult to control, but they were as protective as the Hell Hounds.

  "I'm sure. Just don't let them go to strip clubs and keep them away from really evil Demons unless you want them to eat them. If that happens, don't watch. Trust me on that. Oh, and I heard you did the nasty with the Angel of Death."

  "What the Hell?" I shouted. How did everyone know all the details of my sex life?

  "Just use condoms when you nail him or you too could have a ten-headed baby," she warned with a shit-eating grin on her face.

  "Dixie and the Angel of Death cannot reproduce unless they bond," The Kev informed the room. It seemed he only used his accent when he felt like it.

  "You sure about that?" Astrid asked. "I'm mean, no one in their right fucking mind would have called my pregnancy."

  "Quite sure." The Kev nodded with certainty. "That's the way it goes with two Tru. . ."

  He stopped abruptly and blanched.

  "Did you almost just reduce us all to dust?" Gemma shouted. Her skin began to glow and sharp talons burst from her fingertips.

  The Kev stood silently and nodded. What the Hell did Gemma turn into? From her claws alone it looked frightening.

  "Does anyone know if this turning to dust shit is actually true?" Astrid demanded.

  "No," The Kev admitted. "But I refuse to test the theory."

  The Kev had almost dropped a huge piece of the puzzle in my lap. I was grateful he hadn't let the entire sentence slip. Turning to dust wasn't on my agenda today. However, I was pretty sure I knew exactly what the rest of his sentence was and I didn't know if that made me happy or freaked out.

  "Astrid, are you done?" Ethan asked through clenched teeth.

  "Will you have mercy sex with the miserable pregnant lady when we get to wherever we're going?"

  "Yes. Yes, I will."

  "Then I'm done."

  They left.

  "All right, my little snickerdoodle. Gemma and I are going to scout to see if we can find anything out about the magical imbalance. You will take the tiny ones and go to Carl, Myrtle and Janet. We will see you in a couple of days."

  Gemma not so discreetly shoved a box of
condoms into my hand and winked. "Better safe than sorry." She giggled and they disappeared.

  I stared at the little Demons in my hands.

  "If Mommy say no bad booby titty woowoo bars, will you take us to car dealership?" Abe asked sweetly.

  "Are you going to eat the car salesmen?"

  "Of course we eat the sellers of cars. They tasty," Beyonce yelled.

  "Then um, no. However I have a bad feeling you are going to find a lot to eat in the very near future." I knew evil was coming quickly and soon.

  "Yayayayayayayay!" Ross and Rachel squealed. "You so fun, Dixie."

  "Thank you. I think. You guys ready to go?"

  “We be borned ready," Abe informed me.

  "That's what scares me," I mumbled as they laughed like little hyenas. I hoped to Hades it wasn't a mistake to take them, but what was done was done.

  Chapter 24

  Why did it surprise me that the commissary lunches on Earth were more heinous than the commissary lunches in Hell? While I could occasionally identify the lumps on my plate in Hell, I had no idea what graced my tray today.

  Thankfully despite the crowd in the student center I found an empty table. I knew if I sat there it would stay empty. How in the Hell did I become such a pariah? I was starting to get a complex.

  Everyone was buzzing about Skunkgate. The aroma of skunk still lingered. Mixed with the culinary delights served by the lunch ladies it was positively nauseating. Watching Myrtle feign outrage at the Skunkgate perpetrators during World Religions made my boring day more tolerable. I glanced down at the mystery meat on my tray and my gag reflex kicked in. Tomorrow I was skipping lunch.

  The Ugg brigade stood at the head of the cafeteria holding court and scoping for a table. Lucy Adams, clearly the leader, was barking orders and deciding futures. I glanced up as they made their way across the room. Crap, it looked like they were headed for my table. That was impossible. They had made it abundantly clear I wasn't on their radar which was fine with me.

  Wait. She looked the same as she always did. How in the Hell did she look normal after getting beaten four days ago? From where I sat she looked flawless. Surely makeup couldn’t cover a beating like that.

  I put my head down and waited for them to pass. I was afraid if Lucy said one snarky thing to me I’d zap her bald. She rubbed me wrong and her minions were brainless. I didn’t know how Myrtle hung out with them.