Because

by Jack A. Langedijk

  “Please, my father asked me not to speak. So please, I must try not to.”

  “But why, Satya? Why would your father ask you to do that?”

  Satya just shook his head, stood up and started to slowly walk away. Nancy got up on her knees and almost shouted, “I think I know why you wear that prayer flag around your neck!”

  Satya turned to her and put his finger to his lips to ask Nancy to shhh! “It is not a prayer flag. One does not wear a prayer flag.”

  “Well, whatever it is, I think you wear it because you don’t want anyone to see your neck.”

  “What? How can—” He swiftly looked towards his father, who was still untying the bags, and then quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching them. He knelt down behind the tree, facing Nancy, and whispered, “Please, please, Nancy...please understand I should not talk.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry, Satya. But why would your father ask you to not talk? Come on, you can tell me. Trust me, I won’t tell anyone, I promise!”

  Satya checked again to make sure no one could see them. He held the yellow scarf around his neck as he spoke.

  “I must wear this to heal me.” He started to stand. “And that is all you need to know.”

  “But wait, Satya. You wanted to know what happened when you saw my arms, didn’t you?”

  He smiled sadly at Nancy. “I’m sorry I asked. I know it is not my concern.”

  “Well, I’ll tell you! I cut myself. Many times! I cut myself, Satya. Me, I did it because...well, because every time I didn’t feel like anyone cared, I cut myself. And I cut myself every time I didn’t want to be here anymore.”

  “Here on the mountain?” Satya questioned.

  “On earth, Satya. Here! Anywhere really. I cut myself because I didn’t want to be...be alive anymore.”

  Satya let out a faint, “Oh.”

  Nancy looked at Satya’s hand on the scarf. “Okay, when I said I know why you wear that scarf, I said that because, okay, forgive me for saying this, but every time you reach up and tug at that scarf, it reminds me of all the times I pull at my sleeves to hide my scars.”

  Satya bowed his head and put his hand over his mouth. “Oh no! Does everyone know then?”

  “Know what?”

  “My...ah...the scarf, why I wear it. Is that why the boys call me Richie Rich?”

  “Oh, those boys, Satya, when they see that yellow scarf around your neck, they just tease you because you remind them of some kid in a comic book. They don’t mean any harm by it. Mostly they’re teasing you to get you to talk. And me, well, I think you wear it because...because, I thought you were trying to hide something. Like I do.” And then she corrected herself, “Well, like I did. I try not to hide it anymore.”

  Satya looked amazed. “You mean...you show people...your arms?”

  “Well...” Nancy tilted her head in thought and wondered how to answer his question.

  Satya then knelt back down again. “You don’t care if anyone sees your...your arms?”

  “No, Satya, I really do care. That’s why I was always pulling at my sleeves to hide them. And to be honest with you, I still hide them sometimes, but not as much as I did. You know what? Because I always wear long sleeves shirts and sweaters, my parents hadn’t seen my arms for two years after I started cutting them. They never knew what I was doing! And then the day they saw them...and, they freaked. Treated me like I was some kind of, I don’t know...some kind of hideous monster! I thought they wanted nothing to do with me ever again. So I just kept cutting myself and hiding my arms. I can’t even count how many times I did it. And sometimes when I cut myself...sometimes I wished I died.”

  Satya watched Nancy as she stopped to catch her breath. It seemed like the altitude was affecting her. “Who stopped you from...you know, being dead?”

  “It was the strangest thing, Satya. Every time I took that razor and cut myself,” Nancy lifted her arm and made a gesture of a razor cutting herself open, “and I would watch the blood drip...it was strange, because as I saw it coming out of me, it was like I was watching someone else’s arm bleed, not mine. And then, I would just look at that arm bleeding and this feeling came over me. It was as if I was looking at myself, as if I was another person and...and I was talking to the girl who was bleeding, ‘Oh, you poor girl, is no one helping you? Doesn’t anyone know you’re bleeding?’”

  Satya looked at Nancy with such compassion and sympathy. “And so...what did you do then?’

  “Well, I met Mr. Sanchez and he had asked me a question, Satya. He once asked me if I ever cut myself in front of people or did I just do it when I was alone.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “Well, almost a year after he asked me that, Mr. Sanchez came to my school. He was doing this thing where he would ask a question to all the students and you had to cross this line if the question he asked was true. Like something you did in life. He asked lots of questions about if we did this or felt that, but I never crossed, even though I did do most of those things he mentioned. But so many of the other kids would cross. It was like all those kids could tell the truth...they could tell the truth about themselves to each other, but I just couldn’t. I kept wanting to cross. But I just couldn’t tell anyone, you know?”

  “You didn’t want to show anyone you were weak...right?”

  “Yeah, maybe...Well, no, not really. It was more like I was terrified someone would find out and know who I was or how I really felt. Isn’t that crazy? I cut myself because I felt alone but I was scared to tell anyone I felt alone.”

  Satya smiled sadly as he nodded.

  “And this was my chance, Satya, but I didn’t move! I just kept letting all the other kids do it. But then Mr. Sanchez, he asked this one question and nobody crossed. Absolutely nobody moved after he asked it.”

  Satya leaned closer to Nancy. “What was the question?”

  Nancy was starting to struggle to breathe and had to slow down. The effects of the altitude were more noticeable today and so, as her heart rate increased, it became more difficult to speak. Satya put up his hand to stop her from speaking.

  “It’s okay, Nancy, you need to stop talking now. Your breath is almost gone.” He picked up his water bottle and held it out to Nancy. “Here, drink.”

  “Thanks.” She took a sip. “It’s okay. I want to tell you.” She put her hand to her chest and smiled. “Really, Satya, I’m okay. The question was...he asked if anyone ever cut or hurt themselves on purpose. Or even tried to kill themselves.”

  Nancy now paused every couple of words to take in a breath.

  “Well, I looked around and nobody budged. And my heart was pounding. Mr. Sanchez even knew what I did. He knew I cut myself...but he never even looked at me. And then I remembered his question from a year before...did I ever cut myself in front of anyone?”

  Nancy stopped and looked directly into Satya’s eyes.

  “No, Satya, No, I didn’t! I didn’t because I’m always, always hiding! I hide everything...everything! But, after nobody moved to cross the line, Mr. Sanchez was about to ask another question and all of a sudden I just yelled, ‘ME!’ I don’t know how it came out! I just yelled, ‘ME!’ It was real loud too! I knew I didn’t want to say anything, but there I was yelling, ‘ME!’ And then, Satya, I just started moving across that line. I was the only one moving in the whole room. And that line—that line—it looked so far away. But then something happened. It was like this great magic moment: I looked at that line...I was so scared. And I knew everyone was watching me. But when I got there, I turned to face all those kids and then suddenly, don’t ask me why, but I...I pulled up both of my sleeves and showed my arms to everyone. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. I didn’t even think of doing it...I mean, why was I doing it? I know I was frozen...completely afraid to move. I know I was frozen, but someone was moving me.”

  “You think it was Mr. Sanchez?”

  Nancy smiled, and continued panting as she spoke. “He couldn’t. He was standing twen
ty feet away. But later I asked him how did I do that? And he told me it was probably that same little girl...that same girl who was always watching me cut my arms and watched me bleeding and...that same girl who wanted to help me to stop cutting...and stop me from hiding.”

  Satya looked puzzled.

  “Me, Satya...me! I was the little girl!”

  “Oh!” Satya laughed at himself. “You saved yourself?”

  “Well, a part of me did, but then, oh Satya, the greatest thing happened! When I was standing there all alone showing my big, ugly scarred up arms...” She stopped and took in a long slow breath. “And you know what happened? The whole room just started clapping!”

  Satya shook his head in disbelief.

  “Yeah, clapping. Me too! I was thinking how weird it was. The cynical part of me was thinking, ‘Are they clapping because I wanted to kill myself and they wanted to see me dead?’ But then this one guy comes beside me...and this guy is like one of those hero jock guys...everybody loves him. He looks like some movie star guy. Well, then he rolls up his sleeve. He has scars too, like me...and then he takes my hand. All of a sudden another girl comes to us; she does the same and takes my other hand...More kids came, until there were about twelve or thirteen of us all holding hands...holding hands because...we tried to kill ourselves...and everyone’s clapping.”

  “They are friends then?”

  “No, Satya, they never were my friends. But maybe now.”

  “You make friends?”

  “Oh, Satya, I hope so! But, by telling these kids...all of a sudden I’m not alone any more. Everything’s different. I haven’t wanted to cut myself and if I did, I’d tell someone. I talk now and...and you know what, Satya? It’s like I got this new reason to live, ‘cause now I’m the one...me...kids come and talk to me when they feel—”

  Satya interrupted Nancy by grabbing her hand with both of his hands. “—My father thinks I shouldn’t talk because—”

  A deep voice suddenly came from behind the tree and cut Satya off.

  “Satya, go. Help your father. We need to start moving.” Ang poked his head around the tree and barked at Satya.

  Satya let go of Nancy’s hands and jumped up. He bolted so fast towards his father and the two boys that he tripped and fell awkwardly on his knee. Troy and Philip helped Satya up. Nancy also ran to help, but the moment Satya saw her, he held up his hand, signalling her to please stay away. She took a few more steps but stopped when Satya squinted his eyes and shook his head in a desperate and intense no.

  Satya’s pant leg had ripped and his knee was bleeding. Ang pulled out something from his backpack and tended to Satya. As Mingma walked towards his son, Ang shook his head and spoke about how he might need to replace Satya when they got to Tengboche if the bleeding didn’t stop. Troy said it didn’t look that bad, but then Ang explained the dangers of getting a wound in high altitudes, describing how wounds tended not to heal when one was up so high.

  For the next three hours of the trek towards the village of Tengboche, Satya limped close beside his father. Neither one of them said a word to the other. Troy and Philip had asked Nancy if she got Satya to talk. But she lied and said he just nodded hello, as he usually did.

  “Then why the hell was he running back to us like he was a crazy man?” Philip asked her.

  “Oh, Ang scared him.” Then Nancy stopped to tie her shoe, telling the boys to go ahead and not to wait for her. Philip and Troy walked ahead, looking behind them every now and then. But Nancy never noticed them. She was lost in another world of thought.

  At supper that night, Ang, Mingma and Robert sat facing Troy, Nancy and Philip. Satya was not there. The other group travelling with Robert’s had just finished their supper and had said their goodnights, leaving the six of them alone in the sparse supper room at the lodge where they were staying.

  No one spoke as they ate their egg noodles, which were drowned in garlic. The garlic helped with breathing at such a high altitude. Nancy poked at her food, then broke the silence and asked, “Where is Satya, doesn’t he need to eat?”

  Mingma shot Ang a very hard and stern look but then smiled at Nancy.

  “Satya needs to stay off leg. I bring him food.”

  “I can bring it to him if you like,” Nancy said.

  “No,” Mingma said very sharply.

  “No need, Baba. I’m here,” Satya said, standing in the doorway.

  Troy and Philip looked at each other in total surprise. This was the first time they had ever heard Satya speak. The cook, who saw him walk in, quickly filled a plate and placed it on the table beside Robert.

  “Wow, the man talks! Hey, Phil, look...little Richie Rich can talk!” joked Troy.

  Mingma put his finger in front of his lips as he looked at his son. He then picked up Satya’s plate and stood up. “Satya, come, you need to rest leg. We go room, you eat there.”

  “Come on, Mingma. He just started talking. This is the most we have heard the two of you say all week. I think we’d all love to—” said Troy.

  Robert, sensing something serious in Mingma’s behaviour, put a hand on Troy’s arm. “Maybe we should let them go if they want, Troy.”

  Ang said something in Nepalese to Mingma and Satya, which caused Satya to lower his head and nod.

  Troy didn’t argue. “Oh, yeah, sorry guys, I didn’t mean anything. Just go ahead.”

  Mingma had one hand on Satya’s plate and the other on his son’s shoulder as they walked towards the door. Ang was now standing at the table and said good night.

  Mingma let go of his son to open the door. As he did, Satya rushed back to the table and leaned over the table, facing Robert.

  “I want to line cross too...Please, Mr. Sanchez, I want to cross it too!”

  Robert had no idea what Satya was asking him. “Satya, you want to cross where?”

  Mingma called out, “Satya, now!”

  Ang put a hand on Satya’s back. “Go with your father now.”

  Satya then turned to face Nancy. “No! Nancy. Please tell Mr. Sanchez I want to cross line too.”

  Robert looked at Nancy. Mingma yelled for his son to come. Ang repeated for Satya to go with his father. Troy and Philip now looked at Nancy, awaiting her response.

  Nancy stood up, feeling a little anxious, not sure exactly what to say. She then looked at Robert and stammered. “He wants...he wants to do...what I did because of ...” Then, not knowing how to explain, she just held out her arms and said, “This!”

  “Yes.” Satya turned to his father. “Yes, Baba, I want to do this.”

  And as he said the word “this,” he undid his scarf, pulled it off and dropped it on the floor. A faint red scar circled Satya’s neck.

  “No, Satya!” Mingma took a couple of steps and reached to pick up the yellow scarf. Half of the noodles and garlic fell off the plate and onto the floor. “Stop talking now!”

  Ang quickly knelt down to clean up the food that fell off the plate. He looked up at Mingma. “Mingma, no trouble...No trouble!”

  “Come, Satya, now!” Mingma ordered.

  Satya looked at his father, shook his head and sat down in front of Robert. “No, Baba, please! Listen to Mr. Sanchez, he will explain. Please Baba, please, come listen.”

  Mingma took a step towards the table. Ang stopped cleaning and they both looked at Robert.

  Robert scratched his head and raised an eyebrow. “Ah...explain what, Satya? I’m sorry but...what am I explaining?”

  Satya held his hand out to Nancy, gesturing for her to speak.

  Nancy smiled meekly as she spoke. “I kind of told him about that time I crossed the line, Mr. Sanchez.”

  “And he wants to do that here? Now?” Robert asked Nancy.

  “I don’t know...I don’t know. Today I was...”

  Satya took Nancy’s hand. “Please, can I show my father?”

  “What? Satya, what do you want to show him?” she asked.

  Satya then gently touched Nancy’s arm where all her scars w
ere. “This,” he said. “This.”

  It took Nancy a moment to comprehend what Satya was asking. As soon as she realized he wanted her to show her arms to his father, she looked at Troy and Philip. They both knew and had seen the damage Nancy had carved into her arms. Troy kind of shrugged as if to say “why not?” and Philip just smiled in support. Nancy then looked back at Robert, who just stared pensively, awaiting her decision.

  She then held both her arms out and simply said, “Okay!”

  Satya got up from the table and stood facing Nancy. He then delicately drew Nancy’s sleeves up high. “Thank you, Nancy,” he said. He then turned and looked at his father as he held Nancy’s arm out for his father to see.

  Mingma and Ang both took a step towards Nancy and looked at her arms. The two Sherpas had seen many scars in their travels, but had never seen such unnatural ones as these.

  Mingma looked at Ang who spoke first. “Who has tortured this girl in such a way?”

  Nancy answered Ang’s question immediately. “I did.”

  Mingma looked disturbed and shouted at his son, “Satya, put sleeve back on, girl!”

  Satya adamantly spoke back to his father. “No...no, look, Baba, look!” And then Satya let go of Nancy and pulled his shirt collar down to expose the reddish marks around his neck.

  “This Nancy, she tried just like me, but she is also alive, just like me. Because she talked, Baba...because she talked.”

  Mingma put the plate of food on the table and firmly grabbed his son’s arm. “Son, we must go before we bring trouble, come.”

  “No, Baba, I already bring all trouble to you and Aama. I am sorry, Baba, I am sorry. Please just let Mr. Sanchez ask the question...and when I cross the line, you will see.”

  Robert rubbed his face. “Um...well, Satya. I’m not sure this is the place to do that and—”