Believe

by Natalie Gayle

  He threw an arm around my waist and pulled me to his side. “I have the best friends.”

  There was no arguing with that. “You really do.”

  Dane

  “Mum, I’m hungry. I want dessert,” Isaac bellowed from in front of the TV. Arianne sighed in frustration as she helped me get the last of my clothes together. “You just ate. Remember you were the one that couldn’t finish his dinner,” she raised her voice and yelled back.

  “I want ice-cream.”

  I opened my mouth to snap back and tell him to get off his arse and get his own damned ice-cream.

  The kid was nine years old. Shit, he could pull his weight a little. He was far from helpless, but Arianne insisted on doing everything for him. Today, it was frustrating me a lot more than normal. Everything was pissing me off. I hated feeling like this.

  “Grab one of those Mars bar ice-creams out of the freezer,” Arianne called.

  “Okay.”

  “You spoil him rotten.”

  Arianne looked at me sharply. “What?”

  “You heard me. He calls and you jump. He needs to do more for himself.” Fuck, it was as if my mouth was out of control. Shit was spewing out and my brain didn’t seem to have any control over it.

  I watched the hackles rise on her back. “He’s doing more and more all the time. I’m going to cut you some slack because I know you’re hurting and not yourself. Let me just warn you that now probably isn’t the best time to discuss my parenting methods. It’s likely to get ugly real quick.” The tone of her voice left me in no doubt about how she felt about it.

  Rather than snap back, I threw some shoes in a duffle with far more force than was necessary, then I went and gathered up my toiletries from the bathroom. When I got back to the spare room where I kept my things, I placed the last couple of shirts and jackets on the top of the suitcase before surveying the area.

  “That it?”

  “Think so.”

  I pulled the lid down and ran the zipper around. Arianne moved in, wrapped her arms around my waist, and pressed her body against my back. I stiffened, then, muscle by muscle, I forced myself to relax.

  “Talk to me,” she whispered. “I know you’re hurting; I know you’re not feeling like you.”

  “What’s there to say?”

  “Whatever you want to say,” she coaxed back.

  That was the problem. Everything felt weird and out of control. “In a few minutes the car’s going to be here to pick me up and well…”

  “It’s all going to become real.”

  “Yeah, and its kind of overwhelming.”

  “It’s what you want,” she reminded me.

  “I thought so.”

  “Are you having second thoughts?”

  I sighed. There was no point lying to Arianne. “Second, third and fourth and it pisses me off even more that I have these thoughts. I’ve got to keep the negative out of my head.”

  “I’m sure it’s normal for every fighter to have doubts about what they’re doing. And if they’re not admitting to it, then they’re lying, would be my take. You’ll be fine when the time comes.” It was bullshit, but a nice thing for her to say.

  I needed to change the subject. “So you’ll finalise your flights tomorrow morning?”

  “First thing. As soon as I talk to the scheduling people and Isaac’s school, I’ll book the flights.” Her arms tightened around me. “I don’t want you worrying about us. We’ll be fine. I’ll let you know the details as soon as I have them.”

  I nodded my understanding. “Mum, dad and the girls will be down on Friday morning early. I think a few of the guys from Onigashima are flying in as well.” I wanted my family and friends there, but at the same time I didn’t, and that was annoying me as well. I just felt so off balance. I didn’t know what I wanted and nothing seemed right.

  “We’ve only got a couple of minutes before the car arrives for you. Now might be the time to say our more private goodbyes,” Arianne suggested.

  “He needs to get used to seeing us together.”

  “He does see us together, Dane. However, there’s together and then there’s whatever you call it when you’re kissing me. It’s far more X rated than PG or even M. We do have a tendency to get carried away.”

  She had a point. I turned in her arms and caught her mouth with mine. It started out as an attack—my frustration and fears running far too close to the surface. I plunged my tongue into her mouth in a demand that she accepts and surrender to me.

  She tasted perfect, just like always and I couldn’t get enough. The thought of being apart from her even for a few days sent me a little crazy.

  My little Miss took everything I threw at her and returned it with a love and tenderness that shook me even more off balance. What started out as an aggressive declaration soon changed to a kiss that was so beautiful in her acceptance and understanding of what I needed—what I was trying to tell her. She took my fears and frustrations and wrapped them in understanding and love.

  Right here and now I felt so much better—whole.

  Her hands ran up my back and like always, she pressed her hips tight to my body. What I wouldn’t give for a little privacy and a little more time. I was going to have a boner from hell for a little while.

  “Mum, Dane—someone just pulled into the driveway.” Isaac’s voice broke through my focus on Ari. Her body pulled back a little from mine, but her lips lingered, wringing the last embers out of the kiss. Then she slammed herself into me and wriggled.

  “I’m going to miss you,” she whispered pulling back from my face.

  “I’ll miss you, too.”

  Then she looked at me, her eyes full of honesty and trust. “You can do this Dane. I know you can. Don’t doubt it for a second. Don’t doubt your inner strength…”

  A knock sounded on the front door. “Mum.”

  She pulled back from me. “You need to go.”

  She was about to say more. I wondered what it was. I needed to know what it was.

  Chapter 28

  Dane

  The feelings of uncertainty and confusion only seemed to get worse the moment I drove away from Ari’s a few days ago. Today, I was starting to feel really thirsty and the worst thing was I knew it was going to get a lot worse before I was done.

  “You doing okay?” Xander asked from the elliptical machine beside mine. We were working hard enough to get up a sweat but not hard enough that it could be considered really strenuous.

  “Yeah, just thirsty.”

  “Yep, know that feeling well and the bastard is never my friend.” I did, too. This wasn’t my first prep by a long shot. The difference was there’d never been this much riding on a fight before—nor had I had to go so low on weight.

  “Hate the fucker. Wish I could get him in the cage.” Xander snorted in amusement.

  “Good thing you haven’t lost your sense of humour. You’ll feel better when Arianne gets in this afternoon. I know I couldn’t wait for Eden to arrive.”

  “Yeah, we picked up on that.” He flipped me off playfully, and kept rolling his legs over. “Problem is I’m not sure I want her here. Part of me wants nothing more and another part of me wants her home where it’s safe.”

  Xander gave me a long hard look. “You worried about the ex or is it something else?”

  I nodded and felt my chest constrict. “A little of both I guess. Yeah, I’m worried about Marcel and I know she is as well. I kind of feel like I pushed her into coming. She’s doing it for me and I know it terrifies her. If anything happens…”

  “Safest place for her is right here with you and our crew. Promoters have the place crawling with security and she’ll be surrounded by fighters that are your family. She and Isaac will be fine. Ari wants to be here for you, man. Eden told me so.”

  I nodded knowing he was right. It didn’t stop me from being concerned about it, though. “What is it, Dane?” Xander’s voice was firm and his almost black eyes bored into me with an intensity t
hat left me feeling stripped bare. “You having doubts?”

  I let out a long breath and looked down embarrassed. “Yeah…”

  “It’s normal.”

  My legs stopped moving. “Normal?”

  “Yeah…we’re fighters, man. We don’t admit it, but there’s no way you can keep all the what if’s and the why’s out of your head. Fuck, I was such a mess the week before the Vegas gig. I was full of crazy thoughts and guilt about so many things.”

  That shocked me. Xander always seemed so positive and certain. How did I not know this? “You’re kidding me. You don’t need to say that, just to make me feel better.”

  He laughed. “I know that. Let me tell you something, this one will surprise you.” That got my attention and I started to roll my legs over again. “You know how Reed and you guys thought I was spending all that time getting it on with Eden? You couldn’t have been further from the truth. Most we did before the fight was hug and kiss. Nothing more…so innocent, it’s probably unbelievable. I don’t think my hands even ventured anywhere interesting.”

  That shocked me. “What?” I couldn’t believe that.

  “Yep. I got this idea in my head that I couldn’t risk leaving her pregnant if anything happened to me. I wouldn’t touch her until after the fight.”

  It made sense. When Xander acidently killed “The Cobra” his wife had been pregnant. Xan was carrying the guilt for that and didn’t want the possibility for Eden—I’d never realised the extent, apparently.

  “You’re really serious? And all the time Reed was getting narkier and narkier thinking you were wearing yourself out.” There was no helping the little chuckle that came out. “Why didn’t you tell me, man? I’m not sure I could have done anything, but you know I would always be there for you however I could.” Then something else occurred to me. “How did Eden take it?”

  “Thanks. And yeah it is kind of funny when you look at it like that; I didn’t mind working Reed up at all. He gets a little crazy…As for Eden, well it was a little rocky there for a bit. She couldn’t understand why I didn’t want her and I was too embarrassed about my hang ups to talk to her about it. It wasn’t until I realised how much I was hurting her because she couldn’t figure it out, that I knew my own pride or whatever didn’t matter as much. Once I told her,” Xander shrugged and had an amused little grin on his face, “it was so much better, easier. She got it and helped me get through it. She gave me the strength I needed when I was at my lowest, to get through, man. That woman is so damned strong and she makes me stronger by being true to her and sharing.”

  I knew they had a special connection and relationship; this just gave me a little more insight into why they worked. Could I do the same with Ari?

  “The point I’m making is, we all have our quirks and fears. It’s normal, healthy even. You just have to control them rather than let them control you. And you need to lean on Ari a little. Talk to her, tell her what you’re feeling and worried about. She’s strong like Eden. Use her strength; stop trying to protect her. Pull some strength from her. If she’s as special to you as Eden is to me, you’ll get it and understand—they want to help man. Let them. How you do it, will be different to me, but you’ll know and it’ll work for you both. Shutting her out is the worst thing you can do. Don’t make the same mistake I nearly did.”

  All I could seem to do was nod. Xander and I talked a lot. About anything and everything. This was the first time he’d really let me in and stripped back the walls we all have in place.

  I managed to mumble a, “thanks, mate.”

  “It’s a lot to lay on you. I know we normally don’t share like that, but this is different. You’re in the fight of your life and you’re going to win because not only are you the best fighter, you’re the strongest guy in the fight—inside and out. You can do this Dane. I know you can. I’ve never had a question about your ability. It’s all about your head and wanting it and knowing you’re strong enough to go the distance. That’s what makes a fighter. It’s about being able to keep pulling from that well inside you when you’re jammed against the cage in a lock up and you have no idea how you’re going to get out of it. You’ve got to keep believing man. Believe you know how to get it done. Believe you will get it done. I know you have it in you. You need to remember it and believe it too.”

  I kept moving, so humbled. Xander really thought all that about me. It was one thing overhearing him tell Reed. It was another having him tell me.

  Arianne

  My stomach churned as I guided Isaac through the airport. It felt like everyone was looking—watching. When we’d made our escape from Melbourne a couple of years ago—we’d driven.

  Somehow, flying in almost seemed as if we were heralding our arrival. Marcel’s connections went far and wide in this town. I wanted to keep things as low key as possible and I was probably kidding myself.

  As we’d arranged, Seth greeted us at the baggage carousel.

  “Seth!” Isaac called in a shrill voice as he went charging up to him, excitement written all over his face. This whole trip was a massive change and a challenge for Isaac.

  It was exciting, although I had no illusions it wasn’t also going to be challenging for him as well. Every part of his usual routine would be turned upside down. He was in a strange environment under strange circumstances. The only things that were familiar were the people closest to him—Dane, his family and me.

  Isaac had been soaking up Dane’s family like a super-sized sponge. It was more than that, though. He was growing and becoming more confident and social under their honest attention and love.

  “Hey, buddy. Did you have a good flight?” Seth asked as he gave him a fist bump that Isaac seemed to have picked up since Dane had been around.

  “It was okay. I wasn’t allowed to go and have a look in the cockpit, though. I really wanted to.”

  “Tough to get in there, mate.”

  “I’m going to keep trying,” Isaac said determinedly.

  “That’s the spirit.”

  Seth turned his attention to me. “Everything okay?”

  “Yes. Thanks for coming to get us. We could have taken a cab.”

  “Yeah, like Dane would let that happen…He’s pis..annoyed enough that he couldn’t come and get you himself. Media are starting to really get intense now after Monday’s press conference.”

  My stomach tightened even more. The bags started to come out. “Point yours out and I’ll grab them.” I did and he moved to get them.

  I didn’t miss the looks he got. Was it because he was another good-looking guy in the prime of his life or was it because people recognised him from footage they’d seen of Xander and Dane?

  I’d caught the press conference online. It was very tame compared to what had happened at Xander’s recent fight. There was no denying the press were relentless and nothing seemed to be off limits for them. Some of the questions they asked were incredible. I couldn’t believe their audacity.

  He grabbed the bags and we made our way from the terminal. People looked, but didn’t approach. As we reached the curb, a dark SUV with tinted windows pulled in and the tailgate automatically went up. Seth loaded the bags and called to me. “Hop in the front, Arianne. Isaac and I will ride in the back.”

  I opened the door for Isaac, then Seth was back beside me making sure Isaac and I got in okay. When I got in Xander greeted me. “Hey Ari, everything good?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh wow Mum, Xander and Seth came to pick us up.” Isaac sounded so excited. “Where’s Dane?”

  Xander gave me a little sideways look. “Back at the hotel training mate.”

  “Can we see him when we get there? I want to tell him all about the new level I got to. He’s going to want to see that.” Somehow I needed to put a lid on a little of Isaac’s enthusiasm until I could judge Dane’s mood. We’d spoken a couple of times each day and he seemed okay, but he sounded so tired.

  “I’m sure he will,” Xander answered for me. Seth an
d Isaac started talking about some computer game as Xander drove in silence for a bit.

  “Where’s Eden?”

  “I surprised her with a morning at the day spa. I figured she’d want to keep you company when Dane was busy so I thought today was a good time to spoil her a little before you got in.”

  “I’m sure she’s loving it.” I’d learned a lot over the last few months.

  One of the things I’d learned was my preconceived ideas on fighters, well at least the ones I now knew, were wrong on just about every account. They were loyal and caring, tender and honest. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Dane had friends similar to himself. It made sense.

  “I hope so.”

  We drove down the freeway into the city and a feeling of nostalgia washed over me. Unfortunately, the bad memories outweighed the good, even if Melbourne was a great city.

  I glanced behind me. Isaac had taken his iPad out and was showing Seth something on it. Seth noticed and winked at me before good naturedly diving into more conversation with Isaac. “How is he, Xan?” I finally got up the courage to ask. If anyone would know, it would be Xander. I needed to know, to prepare myself for whatever it would be like. “I don’t know what I’m walking into and it scares me.”

  “He’s okay, Arianne. Thirsty and grumpy, but okay. I’d say he’ll be exhausted when you get there.” Xander glanced up and checked what was happening in the back. “He did a workout this morning and he’s sitting in the sauna now.”

  It all sounded awful. “Is he going to make the weight?”

  “He’ll make it, but it’s going to be tough. Tougher than any prep I’ve done. He’s a big guy, it’s hard to get that low and we have to be really careful how we strip the weight from him to do it safely.”

  I was at a loss. I didn’t know what was expected of me or how to help him. “What can I do to help?”

  “Nothing. Just be there for whatever he needs. I know in Vegas that last week, all I wanted was Eden near me. I’m not Dane, so I don’t know what he’ll want. You’ll know.” He gave me a reassuring smile as he pulled up in front of the casino hotel.