by T. K. Chapin
Leaving our room, I headed downstairs and out to the balcony on the main level. The clouds had cleared and the sun was out. I wanted to soak up some rays and relax. Nathan voicing his concern for my not being perfect drew me into a depressing reality—we didn’t stand a chance if he wanted perfection.
“Enjoying that sunshine?” Serenah asked, coming out through the open French doors off the dining area.
Glancing over my shoulder at her from the lounge chair I was in, I replied, “Yeah. It seems to have cleared up beautifully.”
“That rain earlier was pretty intense. I’m glad you two made it back safely.” She walked over to a nearby chair and sat down. Peering out across the water, she asked, “Was it fun?”
Laughing with a sarcastic breath of air, I replied, “Yeah. Something like that. Hey, that reminds me. We met your man down by the water.”
“Oh, did you meet Charlie?” Serenah’s face lit up. “He’s my sweetheart. Must have been here fixing that paddle boat again.”
“Yeah, he was. Seems like a really nice guy. How’d you two meet?”
“We met at Dixie’s Diner unofficially when I was working there, but we met here at the inn officially. I was working a part-time job for the owner last summer. We’ve been dating over a year now.”
“Love at first sight?” I asked, smiling.
“Maybe lust, but not love. Enough about me. Where’d your beloved go?”
Relaxing my head back against the lounge chair’s head rest, I said, “Off to get a razor and some lunch.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“No. It’s fine. You’re not prying.”
“I saw your cut lip at breakfast. You okay?”
I laughed. “That was just an accident. I’m more upset that life just isn’t going the way I dreamed it would go. Oops. Did I just say that?” I asked, lifting my head to look at her. “I didn’t mean to—”
“You’re fine. I love girl talk. Life doesn’t usually go the way we think it should go. Or at least, it doesn’t a lot of the time. I think God does work it all for good in the end though.” Serenah hesitated to continue, but then she did anyway. “I don’t usually tell people this, but my ex-husband abused me. I was devastated. It took a long time for me to leave him, but I did. A year later, I met Charlie and was asked to run this inn. Though I’ve been in counseling for a couple of years now as a result of John, I can see where God’s hand was over my life. God’s always working and shaping our lives in ways we don’t fully understand.”
“Wow. That’s neat that it all worked out for you.” With her revealing an intimate part of her life, I felt comfortable opening up. “Nathan and I have been struggling for three years now.”
“I sensed something there.”
“Yeah. I made a mistake three years ago and had an emotional fling with a guy, and Nathan never got over it. He still doesn’t trust me to this day.” Pressing my hand against my forehead, I said, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
“Can we pray?” Serenah asked.
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
She placed her hand on mine and prayed out loud. “Dear God. We come to Your throne room this beautiful day and lift up to You Elizabeth and Nathan and their marriage. We know You are working continuously for us, and we call upon the promise of Your Word that tells us all things work together for good for those who love you and are called according to Your purpose. Please let Your Will be done in this marriage and in their lives. In Your heavenly name, we pray, Amen.”
Lifting my eyes, I looked to Serenah and said, “Thank you. We used to go to church so much more when the kids were younger, but it just . . . slowed down. You know?”
“It’s often a slow fade,” Serenah replied. “Church is good and can be beautiful, but it’s only an addition to the relationship we already have in Christ. We don’t go to church to get Jesus, but instead go in obedience of His Word that plainly states not to forsake the assembly.” Hearing someone open the front door, Serenah excused herself and went inside.
Her words lingered behind with me as I thought back to the times Nathan and I had been attending church regularly. I longed for the fellowship of other believers who were like-minded, and a deep yearning set into my soul. I was thirsty on a spiritual level without knowing it. I miss God, I thought to myself.
Serenah came back and sat down in her seat. “Just the FedEx guy.”
“How do I get Nathan to go back to church with me? Any ideas?” I asked, hoping she’d be able to provide insight into the matter.
Shaking her head, she said, “Don’t worry about Nathan. Focus on you, Elizabeth. Let God lead you.”
**
Later that evening, Nathan and I headed into town to eat at Dixie’s Diner. As we took our seats in a booth, a server came over. “Good evening. I’ll be your server tonight. My name’s Miley. You two new to town? Don’t believe I’ve seen you in before.”
“Yes,” I replied. “We’re staying out at The Inn at the Lake.”
Miley’s face lit up. “The Inn at the Lake? My friend, Serenah, runs that place.”
“She’s a sweetheart. Really easy to talk to one-on-one.”
“Sounds like she’s doing great. She really does have a heart of gold,” Miley replied. “What can I get you two to drink?”
“I’ll take a cola,” Nathan said as his eyes stayed fixed on the menu.
“Water, please,” I said, making eye contact with her.
“Great. I’ll be back in a few with those drinks and see if you’re ready to order.” Miley left the table.
Looking over the menu for a few moments, I stopped and lowered it to look at Nathan. My mind had been on God ever since my conversation with Serenah, and I wanted to test the waters out with where his heart was. “What do you think about going to church when we get back home?”
He peered up from his menu and raised an eyebrow. “You know the Thompsons still go there. After what they did to the Gillroys, I wouldn’t feel—”
“Nathan,” I interrupted. “Why does that matter? It happened four years ago.”
He set the menu down on the table and brought his hands together. “Well . . . it mattered to you at one time. Wait, what’s going on with you? Where did all this come from?”
Before I could speak, the server returned with our drinks and pressed about ordering.
“Give us about ten minutes,” Nathan said curtly. He watched her walk away and then fixed his gaze on me. “Out with it, Elizabeth.”
“I was just talking to Serenah earlier about us, and . . .”
“Excuse me? What does that mean? Us?”
“About how we’ve been having problems and—”
“No,” he interrupted. Adjusting in his seat, he leaned across the table and said, “You told this stranger about what, exactly?”
“Just that we have been struggling. It’s not a big deal.” I shook my head, but my pulse raced as I could see Nathan come unglued.
He stood up and said, “I can’t believe you.” Pulling a twenty out of his wallet, he dropped it on the table and headed for the exit. My eyes watered. On his way out of the restaurant, he almost ran into Miley, but he side-stepped her and went out the door in a rage.
“Just keep the money on the table,” I said to Miley as she came over. Getting up from my seat, I wiped my eyes.
“You sure? You didn’t have any—”
I walked past her in pursuit of Nathan. Once out on the sidewalk, I surveyed the road and spotted him across the street, walking with his head down and his hands in his pocket. Glancing both directions, I crossed over to the other side of the road. Catching up to him, I touched his shoulder to stop him.
“Can I not have a moment alone?” he snapped as he stopped and turned. “Just five minutes. Or is that too much to ask?”
I bit my lip as tears trickled down my cheeks. He turned and continued walking down the sidewalk and vanished around the corner. Finding a nearby bench, I took a seat and prayed. Wha
t am I supposed to do, God? Then a quiet thought pressed against my mind like an invasion on my consciousness.
Tell him about the biopsy.
My heart hardened. Telling him about the biopsy would only create fear, worry and stress he didn’t need. There was no reason for it. It was just standard procedure. Nathan worrying about the remote possibility of cancer wasn’t really needed. My plan was to tell him once the doctor called with those test results in the next day or two.
Tell him about the biopsy, the thought pressed again, this time louder.
Though I had done such a great job at keeping it off my mind, it made a vengeful and quick appearance to the forefront of my thoughts. I knew God didn’t talk to people, but it sure felt like He brought that thought to the tip of my mind.
**
Nathan texted me a while later and said he’d take a cab back to the inn when he was done thinking. His behavior reminded me more of a child than a grown man these days. Once I made it back to the inn, I took a walk down to the shore to clear my head. The sun was beginning to set across the evening sky and painted a postcard-worthy view of yellows and oranges that were impossible not to be in awe of. The yellows and reds above reflected off the smooth surface of the lake and filled my being with a much-needed sense of tranquility. Though everything felt a bit chaotic at that moment in my life, I felt at peace.
As I peered across the waters and took a seat at the end of the dock, I thanked God for the day. After my prayer of thanksgiving, I couldn’t help but feel bad for all the days I had missed in the last four years since we left church. What happened to me? I wondered. Then Serenah’s words echoed in my ears, ‘it’s a slow fade.’ Breaking into my thoughts, I heard conversation stirring about somewhere behind me in the distance. I looked. Charlie and Serenah were out on the main level balcony, enjoying each other’s company. When I laid eyes on them, I saw Charlie brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
Turning my sight back to the lake, I thought about Nathan. I wondered where he was and what he was doing and thinking about. Why’d he freak out about that? I asked myself. Dipping my chin to my chest, I started in on another prayer. I don’t know what to do, Lord. My eyes began to well with tears as I felt hopelessness edge its way into my heart, causing my chest to tighten.
“Hey,” Serenah’s voice caught me off guard from behind.
Turning my eyes back to her, I nodded. “Hey.”
Sitting down on the end of the dock beside me, she pulled her knees up to her chest and placed a hand on my back. “You okay? I don’t mean to bother you. I can leave.”
I shrugged. “It’s no bother.” Wiping my eyes, I shook my head and said, “I’m fine. Nathan’s just upset I told you about our struggles.”
“Ahh . . . yes. The male ego. It’s an amazing thing,” she replied as she shook her head and looked to the sky.
“Do you think divorce could ever be the answer? I know you’re younger than me, but I’m just kind of curious what you think.” My eyes trained on Serenah as I waited for a response.
“God never designed divorce—only marriage. Though he allows it, that was only due to humanity’s sin.” She paused and looked at me. “The Bible tells us to focus on the good. Right? Whatever is pure, whatever is of good report. Think on these things. Forget divorce and think about restoration . . . if you can.”
“Serenah. The water is boiling,” Charlie called down from the balcony.
“Be right there,” she replied over her shoulder as she made eye contact with him on the balcony. Pushing herself up by her palms, Serenah stood and said, “I’ll keep you in my prayers, Elizabeth.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
As she walked down the dock to return to the inn, I thought about the word she used. Restoration. Restore . . . restore what? The closeness we once had. The intimacy that is nothing but a distant memory. Focusing my thoughts on the early part of our relationship, I let my mind linger there for a moment. Recalling the night that I knew I’d someday marry Nathan, I smiled.
I could almost smell the Mexican food in the air from that evening and feel my bare feet gliding across the smooth stone dance floor as he flung me about passionately under the multicolored lights overhead. It wasn’t the salsa dancing, the food or even the compliments he showered me with that made me know I would marry him. It was the conversation at the table after the last dance. The table wasn’t over three feet in diameter, and he placed a hand over the top of mine as he leaned in. Looking into my eyes underneath the reds, greens and yellows from the lights of the dance floor, he spoke love into my soul. He told me about how much family meant to him. He told me how he dreamed of having kids, a wife, a house and a dog name Spanky that gets out of the yard through a broken board in the fence. He wanted it all. His voice trembled that night as he spoke, but it didn’t stop me from feeling moved by every word that came from his mouth. I found out years later that he was scared to reveal that part of himself. It was a hidden part of him he didn’t share with other girls. Just me. Smiling as the memory came to a stop, I gazed across the lake. That old Nathan could have really enjoyed this place.
My mind allowed that same pressing thought from earlier to press against my consciousness again.
Tell him about the biopsy.
My heart softened this time. My restoration, my marriage’s salvation could only happen if I made myself vulnerable and told him about the biopsy. I was fearful. What if he doesn’t care? My worried mind asked. What if he just says I’m fine and overdramatic? Dipping my chin back to my chest as I felt my chest tightening up, I prayed for God to help me.
Chapter 5
The next morning, I awoke to Nathan sitting on the edge of the bed opposite me. Fully clothed in the same thing he wore yesterday, he was hunched over, wringing his hands as he looked out the open French doors that led out to the balcony. There was something definitely wrong with him.
“Nathan?” I asked, sitting up. Reaching my hand over, I touched his shoulder.
He turned on the bed to face me. His eyes were red and swollen. Licking his bottom lip, he pulled it in and bit as he looked hesitant to speak. Nathan’s eyes were weary, but they carried a sadness I hadn’t seen before. It was deep. He took my hand and placed it in his palm, then brought his other hand over top. “Elizabeth . . .” He took a deep breath in and exhaled. “I don’t know how to say this.”
Scooting across the comforter closer to him, I said, “You can tell me anything, Nathan.”
“I spent the evening walking around Newport and did a lot of thinking. Thought about you, the kids and really everything in my life. I know things have been hard these last few years and we’ve really grown apart. To imagine our life to be perfect was pure foolishness on my part.”
My heart warmed. Nathan realized that I couldn’t be perfect. He had come back to proclaim his unyielding love for me and apologize for being so distant in our marriage.
Before I could say anything, he continued, “This marriage just feels hopeless and doomed.”
My heart went from feeling like I was on top of a mountain to freefalling to the earth in a ball of fire. Hopeless? Doomed? My throat clenched shut and my eyes instantly watered. The room, including Nathan, turned into a blur behind the teardrops of reality.
“Please don’t cry,” he pleaded as he squeezed my hand. “Haven’t you felt that way? Even once?”
Though I had felt that way for some time, it didn’t lessen the pain of his mentioning it. I nodded as I wiped my eyes. Pushing out a few quick breaths, I was composed enough to speak. “To be honest with you, yes. I have. In fact, I only wanted to come here to see if we could fix our marriage. But I realized something yesterday.”
He raised his eyebrows, encouraging me to continue.
“What about God, Nathan? What does He want for our marriage?”
Letting out a sigh, Nathan turned on the bed toward the doors out to the balcony. He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “God wants us to be happy, Elizabeth.”
“Happy?” I shook my head. “I don’t recall that part of the Bible. Joy, yes, but not happy.”
Turning to me, he shook his head. “Things have happened that I don’t think we can ever get past.” His tone was sharp. Definitive.
“Okay. Then just do it. Leave. You’ve already wasted three years of my life, the kids’ lives, and your own. Just do it. Go file the papers and be done with me already!” My phone rang on the nightstand, breaking through our conversation. Leaning over to see the caller ID, I saw it was the doctor. My heart felt like it skipped a beat. Reaching over, I silenced it. Please don’t ask, please don’t ask.
“Who was it?” Nathan asked.
Shaking my head, I knew I couldn’t tell him. Not right now. He’d use it against me somehow. “Nobody.”
Rising to his feet, he came around the end of the bed as I stood. “Elizabeth. Who was that on the phone?” he asked, pointing to the nightstand like I had forgotten the location of it. “Was it Derek?”
“Of course not, Nathan! It was just a doctor for Jenny.”
“What’s going on with Jenny?” he asked, stepping closer. He looked concerned about his daughter now. I was digging a hole quickly.
I was about to start in on the lie, but that same tortuous thought from yesterday invaded my thoughts yet again.
Tell him about the biopsy.
I looked at him with tears in my eyes, my heart pounding against my ribcage and a fear he’d crush me if I said a word. Lifting my hand to my forehead as my breath drew shallow, I shook my head. “Nathan . . .” His name tumbled out of my mouth, trembling as it left my lips.
His eyes widened as he came closer. He sensed something was wrong by my action. Worry scattered across his face as he touched my hand with his. “What’s going on?”
My eyebrows went up, and I had to wrangle and force each word that followed. “I had a mammogram a few weeks back.” I bit my lip as I struggled to continue. I could feel my throat clench, and everything inside me tried to stop me from speaking more, but I did. “They found a lump, Nathan.”