Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  “Hey, Ben…” Rod said from the doorway. “Congrats on the nod in Adult Lifestyle.”

  “What are you talking about?” I hadn’t given any interviews lately, especially not to the number one online adult-entertainment-industry magazine.

  “There’s also an article on the future of porn,” Amie said. “I read it, too.”

  “You must have screwed that journalist real good, dude.” With a wide grin, Rod loped out of my office, Amie hot on his tail.

  Of course the first thought Rod had when it came to me getting any kind of praise was that I’d screwed my way into it. It was inconceivable that it could be about my work ethic or my creative direction.

  “Check it out,” Cory said. He had already found the article on his phone. “He’s right.”

  I grabbed his phone and scrolled through it. There was a section referencing romance novels, and there I was, my name in print. I read a small section out loud, “ ‘Ben Lockwood’s youth and unique vision has the potential to take White Lace in a new direction. His intent on capturing the passion behind sex could carve a new niche in the industry, targeting the female appetite for romance and sex fueled by dirty-talking alpha men.’ ”

  I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. A couple of weeks ago, I would have shrugged this off. I would have believed Rod. But maybe I was doing something right. Or at least I had the potential to do something right. This nod had come at the perfect time, just when I felt like Hirsh had completely given up on me.

  “That’s a big deal,” Cory said, his eyebrows almost at his hairline.

  Spending time with Grace had forced me to realize that I could do more than I gave myself credit for. And apparently other people thought so, too. I looked down, checking the byline. With a smile, I handed Cory his phone.

  I didn’t recognize the name.

  “You ready for next week?” Cory asked.

  Monday was the second session of my talk to the students. And unlike last time, and despite the humiliation, I wasn’t as nervous.

  “I think so.”

  For the last few days, in between sex sessions, Grace and I had practiced responses to fake questions. It had gotten to the point where I didn’t even have to look at my notes anymore. Which was exactly what Grace had wanted. And she had been right. I felt more confident and more prepared to respond to questions because I had the basics locked and loaded, ready to go at a moment’s notice.

  “Do you want me to plant a question in the audience? I have some friends who could ask predetermined ones so you can—”

  I held up my hand. “Thank you, but no. I got this.”

  Grace was going to attend the session with me again. I wasn’t naive enough to believe that her actions and promises meant anything more than she had a kind heart. She’d said from the beginning that she was searching for her own good karma. When my need for help was over, she’d pull away and find another charity case to assuage whatever was bothering her.

  But there was no denying that with Grace by my side I felt like I could do anything.

  Chapter 19

  Grace

  Bob Crane’s retirement party was supposed to be a fun event. Instead, I was dreading my appearance, simply because I knew that Scott was going to be here. After that stunt he’d pulled at work with his friends, I knew he was volatile. Unpredictable. Terrorizing. And I wanted no part of him.

  At least the party had alcohol. And I had Ben by my side. There was no way in hell that he would’ve let me attend without him. That fierce streak of protectiveness touched a place inside me I hadn’t known existed. A place that wanted his protection. And considering I’d spent the last few years doing everything in my power to avoid relying on a man it only made our relationship even more confusing.

  “This is a great bar.” Ben’s big hand slid around my waist and pulled me closer. My entire body melted, tingled at his touch, and it helped to ease some of my nervousness. “Have you—?”

  “Grace, I’m so glad you came.” Colette barreled toward us, a glass of white wine in her hand. Tonight she had dolled herself up a little—her outfit still Lane Bryant, but at least she had on some colorful lipstick and a beautiful diamond pendant necklace.

  “Ben, this is my boss, Colette.”

  “Lovely to meet you, Ben.” Colette held out her hand and in the same fashion as every other woman on the planet, took the time to admire him. “I’ve seen you at the office, but we didn’t have a chance to be formally introduced.”

  “Colette.” He brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss on it. “I’ve heard so many good things about you. Grace just loves working for your company.”

  Smiling, I shook my head. I would have expected nothing less. He knew how to work the charm better than any man I’d ever met. And that included the few male escorts I had befriended over the years.

  “And I love having her.” Colette giggled when she pulled her hand away. “And what do you do, Ben?”

  “I…” He looked over at me, as if asking for permission to tell her the truth.

  I nodded.

  “I’m Vice President of White Lace Productions.”

  “White Lace?” Colette’s eyes focused away from them as if she was deep in thought.

  “It’s porn,” Ben said with a wide grin.

  Colette sucked in a quick breath, but luckily she recovered quickly and didn’t look too put off. “That is very…interesting. Your days must be quite fascinating.”

  “They can be.” Ben reached behind us and picked up our drinks from the bar—a gin and tonic for me, a beer for him.

  Someone called her name from across the room. “Colette?” Saved by a co-worker.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I have a few guests I still have to greet.” Colette stepped away, but then stopped short, turning back with a smile. “I saw your report in my inbox. I’ll see you a bit later and we can…” Her eyes darted toward Ben. “Chat.”

  Although Colette hadn’t seemed repulsed by Ben’s work, I hoped it really was my report she wanted to discuss and not Ben’s occupation in more detail.

  I wasn’t ashamed of him. I wasn’t ashamed of being with him. My problem was my past, not his present. Besides, most people meet Ben and think what he does is awesome. If I were doing the same job, I’d get scoffed at and judged, simply because I have breasts.

  What a shitty double standard.

  “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he whispered in my ear as soon as I turned, giving my back to the crowd. His arm found its way across my shoulder and pressed me to him, my hip nudging his crotch.

  “I’m not afraid of people finding out what you do for a living, I’m terrified of people finding out what I used to do. There’s a big difference.”

  “Grace!”

  The familiar voice made me smile. I turned to Bob, who already looked like he had ten drinks under his belt.

  “Bob, oh…” He enveloped me in a huge hug that made me giggle. When he stepped away, I said, “Congratulations on your retirement.”

  “So you’re the lucky one.” Ben held out his hand with a sincere smile. “How does it feel to be done with the rat race?”

  “It’s feels wonderful, young man. Absolutely wonderful. I’ve worked at this company for twenty years. I was the third person Colette’s mother hired when she expanded out of her basement. And I’ve loved my job every day.”

  I believed that. Bob had been one of the only current executives that seemed to be happy that Colette had taken over. He was laid back, open to new opportunities, and I knew he would be sorely missed. I was going to miss him simply because he could have been my guinea pig. The one I used to get buy-in from the rest of the staff.

  “Although if I had known that this beauty was going to start working for Elle, I might have postponed my retirement a few months.”

  I felt the blush creep up my cheeks. Bob wasn’t creepy. Not one bit. He was flirty and fun, and I knew he wasn’t trying to get in my pants. Which made me li
ke him even more.

  He chattered on about his plans for retirement—the trips he’d take with his wife, and arranging his youngest daughter’s wedding—then he sauntered away to mingle with the rest of his guests.

  “I’m just going to run to the bathroom.” Ben leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “Be right back.”

  I nodded and smiled at him. He hesitated for a moment, just looking at me, before he finally walked away. I loved how he looked at me. I loved the way he made me feel as if he never wanted to leave me. Even just to visit the bathroom.

  “I was hoping you’d show up tonight, Jade.”

  My entire body tensed at the sound of Scott’s voice behind me, terror rose up and gripped my throat.

  I didn’t know what this guy was capable of. Not only ratting me out to his sister, but the way he was looking at me—uneasiness crept its way into my stomach. He looked at me like he had a right to. Like I was ripe for picking, despite my opinion on the matter.

  “My name is Grace. You can’t be so dumb as to not have proper courtesy to use my real name.”

  I pushed past him, moving away from the party and the other guests, to the back of the restaurant, hiding in a server alcove. But he followed me.

  “So you’re not Jade? Not a prostitute?”

  “No.” The word came out a little too loud for my liking. I lowered my voice, and continued. “I work for your sister. I’m here to do a job. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done in the past.”

  “I beg to differ.” He reached out, brushing a hank of my hair behind my ear. I wanted to puke when his finger touched me. I wanted no part of this, but I couldn’t let him see how uncomfortable I was. I needed to control the situation. Let him think he had the upper hand, when in fact I was the one in control.

  “What do you want?”

  He leaned closer, the smell of his cologne flooded my nostrils. I pressed my fingernails into my palm, hoping the pain would keep the tremble away, hiding my fear.

  “I want you. You’re going to fuck me. For free. Whenever I want.”

  I stepped back. “I can’t do that.” I refused to do that.

  “You will if you want to keep your job.”

  I tried to push past him, but his sweaty hand clasped around my elbow. With a move you would only ever see in a movie, I twisted around, pushing with all my strength until he hit the wall; condiment bottles rattled on the shelf beside him. It only made him laugh.

  “You like playing games.”

  His words smacked me like a gust of wind. Was it true? Did I play games? It had been my job, but that had been Jade. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was Jade. Maybe she was all I could ever be, because I’d ruined any chance I’d had at being a normal woman.

  “You’re right.” I looked up, directly into the eyes of the one man I wished would fall off the face of the earth. “I like playing games.”

  Ben had said the same thing to me—that I liked playing games. I thought it had all been in fun. I thought it had been said in the heat of the moment, but obviously I hadn’t changed. I played games to maintain control. It’s what Jade had to do. It’s what I was still doing, despite wanting to leave that life behind.

  Scott acknowledged my words with a smile, and I had to swallow down the bile threatening to spew out at him. “I can make you feel real good. And if you don’t want my sister to find out about your extra-curricular activities, you’ll give me what I want.” He grabbed my bicep, his thumb rubbing against my skin.

  I was going to puke. All over him. But if I had any hope of keeping my job, I had to play his game. At least until I could figure out a plan B.

  “I know you remember. I know you want it again, Jade.”

  “Her name is Grace.” I hiccuped then choked back a cry of relief. “And if you don’t take your hands off her in the next five seconds, you won’t be using them to do anything ever again.”

  “Tough guy,” Scott snickered. But he did as he was told, finally letting go of me.

  I scrambled away as soon as he released his hold. My first instinct was to run into Ben’s arms. To hide. To let him protect me. And it felt good. It felt right to have someone who could take charge. I had been handling everything for so long and all I wanted to do was let someone else take the reins.

  “You know she’s a whore, right?” Scott said.

  “Watch your mouth.” Ben pointed his finger, getting right in Scott’s face.

  “Maybe you get off on knowing a thousand guys have fucked that pussy.”

  Ben advanced on him, and for the first time I saw a flash of fear on Scott’s face. God help me, it made me happy. He deserved to feel afraid. He deserved to know how it felt to be bullied.

  Is this really who I’ve become?

  “I think it’s time for you to leave.” Ben stepped in front of me, protecting me with the width of his body. “And if I ever hear that you’ve bothered Grace or laid a hand on her, I will pummel you into the ground. Got it, little man?”

  Scott gave Ben a defiant glare, but he was smart after all. He pushed past him and walked away.

  But I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t feel safe. It had all been too easy.

  Before Ben had the chance to turn and watch him walk away, Scott said, “My offer still stands. I’ll consider not telling my sister if you’ll share your girlfriend and—”

  Before I even knew what was happening, Ben had lunged, grabbing Scott by the neck. He whirled him around and slammed him against the wall. Cutlery clinked and a wineglass crashed to the floor.

  With his fist, Ben smashed Scott’s face. Blood gushed everywhere. It even splattered on the walls and stained the front of his shirt.

  Scott wailed, covering his face with shaking hands, cursing Ben.

  “What the hell is going on?”

  Perfect. Colette was behind me, probably with a crowd of my co-workers, considering we were only hidden by a half wall in the corner of the room.

  “Grace?” She registered the state of her brother. “Oh, my goodness.”

  By this time, Ben had already stepped away and had scooped me into his arms, whispering soft words against my ear. But I was shaking. I couldn’t stop.

  Colette raced over to Scott, placing her arm around his shoulders. “Are you all right?”

  “Does it look like I’m all right,” he yelled, blood spittling from between his lips. “He assaulted me.”

  “What the hell happened?” She glared at Ben, who still held me in his arms, stroking my back. “Did you do this?”

  “Yes. He did.” Scott pointed at both of us. “I caught them in the bathroom and I tried to stop them from exchanging money.”

  My hand flew to my mouth, muffling the sound of my wail. Did he just really insinuate…?

  “That’s a lie,” Ben yelled.

  “Why?” Colette shook her hand between us. “Why would you exchange money?”

  “Why do you think? She’s a whore,” Scott blurted.

  He was so loud. He was shouting my business so that everyone could hear. Because he had all the power. That much was obvious. He had nothing to lose. His sister was in charge. Family was always going to win out.

  Colette turned to look at me, her eyes were wide with shock. “Is that true?”

  I stepped away from Ben, straightening my shoulders and clearing my throat. I had promised myself that when the time came, when I was confronted with my past, I was going to stay strong.

  Doing my best to control the tremble that wanted to take over, I responded, “I was an escort. Now I work for you.”

  But Colette’s face was my worst nightmare. She was looking at me differently, with the worst expression of all—judgment.

  “So this isn’t your boyfriend.” She gestured toward Ben. “You brought a client to my party.”

  Ben recoiled beside me. “You think that just because I work in porn I’d be with an escort? We’re together.” He was genuinely offended, and I genuinely didn’t care. This had nothing to do with him or his profession
. There was no room for his insecurity tonight.

  He pulled me closer and I fit perfectly into the side of his body. “We’re together,” he whispered. He leaned down and pressed his lips to my head. “For real.”

  I couldn’t help it, my heart swelled. In the midst of this nightmare, Ben’s words were like a balm, easing the humiliation and pain from being outed as an escort.

  We were together.

  Whatever that meant.

  Maybe it was just for this moment. Maybe it was for the night. Maybe it was until he finished the second speakers series. I had no idea. But I knew that whenever that moment turned out to be, I wanted it to be as far away into the future as possible.

  I choked back a sob, refusing to admit the feeling washing over me. My career and reputation were on the line and I couldn’t help but think that I was falling—

  “Look,” Ben stepped behind me, blocking me from the rest of the party. “Can we please take this away from the rest of the guests. There is no need to have this get out of hand.”

  If my heart had swelled before, right now, after those words, it had just burst.

  Fuck.

  I loved him.

  “Grace…” Colette shook her head, her eyes sad and confused. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Please, Colette…if you’d just let me explain. If we could go somewhere and—”

  “I think you should leave.” Her words were like a knife to my heart.

  I sucked in a breath. Served me right for actually being happy working for Elle Cosmetics. I deserved all of this. I had duped not only the people I worked with, but myself as well. I had let my guard down, which made the inevitability of this job blowing up in my face twice as devastating.

  “Leave the party? Or the job?” I asked.

  “Leave the party.” She had finally let go of her brother, who was now tilting back his head so the blood would stop flowing from his nose. “I don’t know about the job. I’m…” She crossed her arms over her chest, lowering her head, staring at the floor. “Please, just leave.”

  She couldn’t even look me in the eye. She couldn’t bear the sight of me. It was probably a fair guess that soon I’d be leaving this job as well.