Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  Ben’s big hand wrapped around my elbow and he guided me to the coat check. We retrieved our things in silence and then walked out of the restaurant.

  “Grace?” I froze when I heard Marta’s voice behind me. I had hoped that I’d be able to walk out of here without having to face anyone. I turned, barely able to look her in the eye. I was sure she’d heard it all—and even if she hadn’t, there wasn’t any gossip that got past her. And my revelation was probably the most shocking gossip this company would ever see.

  Marta had become a friend. More than just an acquaintance I had expected to make in the workplace. I would miss her. When I finally got the courage to look up, she was smiling at me.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” was all she said.

  I smiled back. Thankful that at least Marta didn’t think the worst of me.

  Ben and I walked to his car in silence, and it gave me time to think about what had just gone down. I should be devastated. I should be humiliated. And I was. My worst nightmare had just become a reality—but, really, the only thing I could think about was Ben.

  He’d come to my rescue, even though I didn’t need him to. He’d defended me, even though I needed no excuses for my past.

  Now he opened the car door for me and I lowered into the seat. Before he shut the door, I whispered, “Ben?”

  When I looked up, there was a strange expression on his face. I wasn’t sure if it was worry, or sadness, or irritation. I had no idea what was going on in his head. And that scared me to death. Especially now that I had just admitted to myself that I was falling in love with him.

  “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  “Grace.” He reached out, rubbing the back of his fingers across my cheek. “I didn’t plan on taking you anywhere else but right to my bed.”

  He closed the car door and for the few moments it took him to get into the car, I sat in complete silence, my ears ringing slightly at the loss of background noise.

  Ben Lockwood was my knight in shining armor. He’d been right in front of my face this whole damn time.

  As soon as we got to his house, Ben rushed out of the car to unlock the front door, but instead of granting me entry, he picked me up and carried me over the threshold.

  “Ben!”

  He kicked the door behind him with ease, as if he’d done this a thousand times before. He carried me into his bedroom, gently laying me on the mattress. The gray sheets still ruffled from when we’d left them this morning. I turned my face into them, the material still smelled like Ben—fresh and a bit musky. Whatever aftershave he wore did me in every time.

  He prowled over me and I couldn’t stop it, the gratitude escaping from my lips. “Thank you, Ben. I can’t even—”

  He pressed one finger against my lips. “You never have to pretend with me, Grace. None of it matters.” His finger lowered, along my chin and down my neck into my cleavage.

  Three weeks ago, I would have laughed if someone had told me it would be the man who didn’t believe in love who would help me realize the woman I wanted to be. Who would show me that it was okay to be myself, whoever that may be.

  Ben Lockwood was the man who’d taught me to enjoy the moment. And I never wanted this one to end.

  But if we were going to do this, I needed more from him. This time, he wasn’t keeping me at a distance. This time he was not going to look away.

  “Do you trust me?” I whispered as his finger circled my nipple over the fabric of my dress.

  He nodded.

  I shimmied out from under him and walked over to his closet, picking up the only tie he owned, the one we’d picked out together to match his new suit.

  When I returned to the bed he looked genuinely confused.

  “Grace?”

  I shuffled him across the mattress until he was diagonal. The headboard didn’t have bars or slats, so I had to improvise and tie him to the leg of the end table.

  “What are you doing with that tie?”

  I slid the tie around his wrists. “You said you trust me. Just go with it, please.” I tugged on the silk, making sure it was sufficiently locked in place.

  I wasted no time taking off his pants and boxers. There was no seduction. No foreplay. I didn’t even offer a playful twinkle in my eye before I tugged them from his body.

  I slipped out of my dress, letting the fabric fall forward and down my arms, then tugged at my waist until it pooled around my feet. I slipped out of my pantyhose and panties, then my bra, but I put my black stilettos back on, just for the hell of it.

  Ben tested the tie holding him in place and the nightstand banged against the bed and wall. “Are you going to untie me?”

  I held out my finger, moving it back and forth, letting him know I had zero intention of untying him. Not until I was done with him. Not until he looked me in the eye while I moved on top of him.

  I crawled onto the bed, loving the way he took in the sight of me. His breathing had quickened, and the closer I got, the more his arms tensed and pulled at the tie. When I finally straddled him, sliding my center over his thick erection just to tease him, he groaned, bumping me with his pelvis.

  “Tease.”

  I bit my bottom lip and grinned and that action caused him to rear up, but he didn’t get far, the tie holding the top half of his body in place. “Bring that mouth down here and let me show you how much that lip bite turns me on.”

  I smiled, loving the control I had over him at this moment. And I loved even more that I didn’t listen to his request. Instead, I slid down his cock, my head falling back on a gasp and moan, making my back arch, my breasts jutting out toward him. It only made him pull at the ties again.

  I placed my palms on his chest and rode him. Slowly. Seductively. Rocking back and forth across his pelvis for my ultimate pleasure. But the entire time, his head was to the side. His jaw was tight, the muscles working overtime to contain his emotions.

  So I curled my fingers, digging into his chest, knowing that I’d leave marks. He yanked his arms again, still not looking at me.

  “Every time you jerk your arms you only make the knot tighter.”

  I spread my hands wide, leveraging myself so I could raise all the way up then lower back down. He groaned, his stomach muscles rippling underneath my hands. I reached out, wrapping my hand around his neck, choking him, forcing his head to remain straight so that he had no other option but to look at me. Still, he closed his eyes tight.

  “Look at me, damn it.”

  He didn’t.

  “Please. Look at me.” There was a hiccup to my voice, the result of trying to stifle the tears from falling.

  It must have been enough, because finally he looked at me, deep into my eyes as I rode him.

  He growled when I did a subtle swirl of my pelvis, pulling at the restraint again. This time, he was too strong. The nightstand smashed, toppling over on its side, freeing the tie from the leg. The knot was still tight, but it didn’t stop him from reaching out with his hands, still tied together, and kneading my breasts.

  His need to touch me wrenched something loose inside my chest, but I knew his actions were a means for him to hide. To be free of the intimacy of our connection.

  I gasped when he reared up, pounding inside me. I linked my hands behind his neck and drew him closer, pressing my lips to his. “Please don’t turn me around,” I whispered. His lips were salty from sweat, the taste mingling with the lingering lime on my tongue from my drinks. “I need to see you.” He pounded into me again, three strong pumps that had me holding on for dear life and squeezing him closer. “I need you to see me.”

  His hands found the back of my head and he gently rubbed it as best he could while still being tied.

  “Untie me.”

  I shook my head. If I untied him it would be over. He’d go back to keeping me at a distance, and this time I didn’t think I could push it aside. This time, I couldn’t take it, not when I wanted so much more.

  “Do you trust me?” he asked.
r />   I had asked the same of him only minutes ago, and he’d complied. Now it was my turn to prove I could do the same.

  I nodded and did as he’d asked and undid the silk tie while we were still connected in the most intimate way. Finally, with his hands free, he grabbed my cheeks and pulled me close, smashing his mouth down on mine.

  My heart stopped. And so did the rest of the world. I sank into the kiss. Let him take me under. Because this was the perfect moment. I felt everything with this kiss. Every fear, every insecurity, every desire. I felt how much he wanted me. Without him even having to say it, and I hoped that he felt the same with my kiss.

  With one swift movement, I was on my back, Ben hovering over me, his eyes locked with mine. I’d trusted him, and he’d proven worthy of it.

  With our hands on either side of my head, he held himself up as his cock thrust steady, deep strokes inside me. I let my hands slide down his slick chest, over his tight abs and the sexy trail of hair that led to the hard shaft that was giving me exactly what I needed.

  His fingers tickled my hair at the top of my head and with each stroke I climbed higher. With each moment, I got closer to the edge. He hadn’t looked away since we’d changed positions, and the connection between us at this moment had become too much. He’d given me exactly what I’d wanted, and I couldn’t follow through.

  I looked away, shutting my eyes tight. But he didn’t let me. His hand pressed against my chin and he brought my face forward.

  “This is what you wanted,” he whispered, then let out a groan as he slammed into me. “Look at me, Grace.”

  With a shaky breath, I opened my eyes. He smiled down at me as he ground his pelvis against me, his cock so hard and deep. I gasped in pleasure.

  “Somehow I get lost in that sea of green every time I look into them.” Trusting that I wouldn’t look away again, he lowered his hand, squeezing my left breast on his way to my clit, and massaged the area.

  I cried out. The extra touch was exactly what I needed to break through the abyss. I came clutching his back, my fingernails digging deep into his skin. He came a moment later, groaning against my shoulder in between whispers of my name.

  Three words were on the tip of my tongue. They were the only three words I could string together, but I wouldn’t say them. I wasn’t going to be the one to ruin things between us. And that’s exactly what those words would do. Ben had told me that things would end badly. But right now I didn’t want to believe it. On Monday, though, he’d do his second speech, kill it…and we’d go our separate ways.

  Or so I’d like to believe. I had to believe it. I didn’t have any other choice but to walk away. I was looking for something that Ben could never give me.

  And I couldn’t afford any more stupid decisions.

  Chapter 20

  Ben

  The theater-style classroom was packed with students. I didn’t blame them. I’d want a front row seat to watch the pimp crash and burn for a second time. But that wasn’t happening tonight. This time I was prepared. This time I was confident in my abilities.

  I had Grace to thank for that.

  Saturday night had confirmed something I had been trying to deny. I was falling in love with her. I was probably already in love with her. And it had nothing to do with our sordid pasts. My love for her was rooted in the present, in the comfortable way we fit together, in and out of bed. It might have started out as an attraction, but my feelings for her had developed so fast and so deep, I had no choice but to believe it was love. Because it was something I’d never felt before.

  I’d had an uneasy feeling the moment I saw her with her douchebag co-worker. I had overheard part of their conversation before I’d interrupted, and for a split second I thought she was flirting. But the moment I breached the space and she turned to look at me, I knew those words were only meant to placate. I’d hated myself for thinking so badly of her, but it had proven my point a million times over. This woman was skilled in telling any man exactly what he wanted hear. In this case, she wanted far away from him, but the intention was still the same. How could I ever trust her to tell me how she truly felt?

  Of all the women in the world I had to pop my love cherry, it was this one. The one who after today, would be done with her duty, and this fun we’ve been having would be over.

  As I waited at the front of the classroom for the session to begin, I had one eye on the door and the other on the students.

  Cory was in the front row, talking to an attractive girl with blond hair. He was a great kid and any girl would be lucky to have him. I continued to watch him as he shied away, so uncomfortable in his actions. It was fascinating how different the two of us were, yet exactly the same.

  Despite my best efforts, my confidence was a show. One that had taken a neglectful mother and years of low expectations to perfect. But Cory wasn’t that kid. He didn’t have to be that kid. Because he was great just as he was. He didn’t need to pretend to be anyone else.

  But that didn’t mean he couldn’t use a little nudge.

  I walked up to him, tapping his shoulder.

  “Amie wants to know if you want to hook up after her shoot.” This girl would interpret “hook up” to mean whatever she wanted. I was hoping sex. “Should I tell her you’re available?” I held out my phone as if I’d just received a text.

  Cory’s mouth practically hit the floor, but he recovered quickly. “Sure.” He cleared his throat. “Tell Amie I would love to hook up.”

  He turned with a wide smile, the girl he was talking to suddenly went from mildly interested to wildly enthusiastic about their conversation.

  Game. Set. Match.

  As I walked away, I heard her ask for his number.

  I returned to the podium, turning to face the audience, and as if our bodies were connected, I felt Grace enter the room without even seeing her. When I looked up, my entire body relaxed, some kind of easiness washing over me.

  I had tried so hard to keep a distance between us, to keep myself from getting attached to another woman who was just going to leave me high and dry as soon as the novelty of me had worn off. But she was here. Just as she’d promised. Just like I knew she would be.

  But then she stopped. Instead of taking her seat in the corner, she stared down at her phone.

  My stomach tensed. I hated when she looked at her phone. I had no idea who was reaching out. Was it Everly? Was it Sadie? She put it to her ear, and from the front of the classroom I saw her face grow pale. Her eyes didn’t search me out. She just turned, her auburn hair whipping behind her, and walked away.

  What the hell had just happened? Was she gone for good? Did she simply need some privacy for a call? The fact that she hadn’t even looked me in the eye made me suspicious. I had thought our time last night had solidified something between us. But she had just proven that I had been right all along. Women were unreliable. Women were in it for themselves. And it was high time I came to terms with the fact that there was no one out there who would put me first.

  I was on my own.

  “Mr. Lockwood?”

  Suddenly I was no longer calm and collected. My insecurity rose up like bile in my throat and threatened to choke me.

  Please, please choke me so I don’t have to do this again.

  I stepped behind the podium, my suit cutting off my circulation. Before I even began to speak, my voice echoed in the classroom, only it wasn’t my voice. Not my real voice. Someone was playing the video from my last appearance. But lucky me, they’d looped it and set it to music.

  Laughter filled the room.

  They were having fun at my expense.

  And then I looked up at the back of the room, there was my best friend. Max stood in the doorway, a determined look on his face, and I knew without even exchanging words he was urging me to move forward. Supporting. The one person in my life I could always count on. He’d moved on. He’d become successful. He was doing something he loved. He was running a hotel. And what the hell did he know about
running a hotel?

  I owed it to him. I owed it to myself. To be the man I was. And right now that was a man who directed porn.

  These students might think I have zero talent and no creativity simply because I choose to direct porn instead of traditional film or television.

  Screw these little bastards. I was gifted. I was talented as fuck.

  I didn’t need Grace—or any woman, for that matter—to make me believe it. And tonight I was going to prove it.

  I lifted my chin, taking in the nameless faces in the crowd. A murmur had settled in the room and I used the disinterest to my advantage. I moved the podium to the side of the riser, took off my suit jacket and tie, rolled up my sleeves. And when I looked down at myself, I pulled my shirt out of my pants, letting it fall in a wrinkled mess. I even released my hair from the bun and let it fall over my eyes.

  I took a deep breath.

  “My name is Ben Lockwood and I work for the adult entertainment production company White Lace.”

  Five hands shot up to ask questions, but I held up my hand, signaling them to wait.

  “We’ll take questions at the end. First you’re going to listen.”

  Today I was going to be myself. The person Grace had told me not to be.

  “I came here ready to defend myself, because that’s usually what I have to do. It’s what I had to do last time. I’m sure you’ve all seen it online. The session was a hot mess. I was a hot mess.”

  There was laughter in the crowd.

  “Last time I was trying to be someone I’m not. I am a college dropout who got lucky. I might have talent, but how far I could go, I have no idea. How far I want to go, I have no idea. I might have a full-time job. I might make money, and some of you might think I am the luckiest guy in the world, but I’m stumbling around half-blind, trying to find my way just like everyone else.”

  My hands gripped the sides of the podium and I tried hard to drown out the pounding of my heart against my chest.