The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Page 2
•Humiliation and degradation
•Discounting and negating
•Domination and control
•Judging and criticizing
•Accusing and blaming
•Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations
•Emotional distancing and the "silent treatment"
•Isolation
Emotional abuse can also include more subtle forms of behavior such as:
•Withholding of attention or affection
•Disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior
•Sulking and pouting
•Projection and/or accusations
•Subtle threats of abandonment (either physical or emotional)
Emotional abuse is not only made up of negative behaviors but negative attitudes as well. Therefore, we need to include the word attitude in our definition of emotional abuse. A person who is emotionally abusive need not take any overt action whatsoever. All he or she needs to do is to exhibit an abusive attitude. Here are some examples:
•Believing that others should do as you say
•Not noticing how others feel
•Not caring how others feel
•Believing that everyone else is inferior to you
•Believing that you are always right
So emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that is designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person. But there are also some types of physical behavior that can be considered emotional abuse. These behaviors have a name: symbolic violence. This includes intimidating behavior such as slamming doors, kicking a wall, throwing dishes, furniture, or other objects, driving recklessly while the victim is in the car, and destroying or threatening to destroy objects the victim values. Even milder forms of violence such as shaking a fist or finger at the victim, making threatening gestures or faces, or acting like he or she wants to kill the victim carry symbolic threats of violence.
How Emotional Abuse Does Damage
The primary effects of emotional abuse on the victim are depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, and self-destructiveness. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.
Abused partners tend either to take on the criticism and rejection of their partner or to be in constant turmoil, wondering things like: Am I as bad as she makes me out to be, or is she just impossible to please? Should I stay in this relationship, or should I go? If I'm as incompetent as he says I am, maybe I can't make it on my own. Maybe no one will ever love me again. Ultimately, given enough time, most victims of emotional abuse come not only to blame themselves for all the problems in the relationship but also to believe that they are inadequate, contemptuous, and even unlovable.
Emotional abuse is considered by many to be the most painful form of violence and the most detrimental to self-esteem. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. She may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or even fear that she is losing her mind. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse.
Emotional abuse poisons a relationship and infuses it with hostility, contempt, and hatred. No matter how much a couple once loved each other, once emotional abuse becomes a consistent aspect of the relationship, that love is overshadowed by fear, anger, guilt, and shame. Whether it is one or both partners who are being emotionally abusive, the relationship becomes increasingly more toxic as time goes by. In this polluted environment it is difficult for love not only to grow but to survive.
At the very least, emotional abuse causes both the abuser and the victim to lose sight of any redeeming qualities his or her partner once had. The more a partner is allowed to degrade, criticize, or dominate her partner, the less she will respect her partner. And the more a partner is emotionally abused, the more he will slowly build up an intense hatred toward his abuser. The disrespect and hatred each partner begins to feel leads to more and more emotional abuse and to each partner justifying inappropriate, even destructive, behavior. Over time, anger can build up on the part of both abuser and victim, and emotional abuse can turn to physical violence.
When emotional abuse is mutual, it becomes a matter of survival, as each partner has to constantly fend off the criticism, verbal attacks, or rejection and shore up enough strength to go on with daily tasks. As the emotional abuse takes its toll and each partner becomes less and less self-assured, each clings to the relationship even more. A destructive cycle is created-even as the relationship becomes more and more abusive each person becomes more dependent on his or her partner. And as the relationship continues to deteriorate, each partner feels further justified in becoming even more abusive.
Whether you suspect you are being emotionally abused, fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, or think that both you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, this book will help you. If you are uncertain as to whether you are being emotionally abused, you will learn important information that will help you decide once and for all. If you fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, you will learn exactly what constitutes emotionally abusive behavior as well as what causes it. And if you think you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, you'll learn how to stop triggering one another, how to stop bringing out the worst in one another, and how to develop healthier ways of relating to each other.
QUESTIONNAIRE: Are You Being Emotionally Abused?
Answer the following questions to help determine whether or not you are being emotionally abused in your relationship.
1.Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is "inappropriate"? Do you feel you must "get permission" before going somewhere or before making even the smallest of decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he attempt to control your spending (even though he has no problem spending on himself)?
2.Does your partner treat you as if you are "less than" or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren't as attractive as she is?
3.Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
4.Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?
5.Do you find yourself "walking on eggshells"? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behavior and/or watching for your partner's bad moods before bringing up a subject?
6.Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spent with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you're still with him, even though you've complained to them many times about the way he treats you?
7.Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and with whom you will do it?
8.Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affection or sex if you don't do things
his way?
9.Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don't do things her way?
10.Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn't true?
11.Does your partner feel he or she is always right?
12.Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does she constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?
13.Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others?
14.Does your partner blame you for his or her problems? For example, does he claim it is your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Does he tell you he wouldn't do it if you didn't make him so mad? Are you to blame for her problem with compulsive overeating? Because she has a drinking problem? Does he blame you for not being able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, musician, singer, etc.)?
15.Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?
16.Does your partner's personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? Does he become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does his personality seem to change when he drinks alcohol?
17.Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain, does he tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don't have a sense of humor?
18.Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is she extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
19.Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when he is wrong? Does she make excuses for her behavior or tend to blame others for her mistakes?
20.Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade you to engage in sexual acts that you find disgusting? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with him or who will engage in the activities he is interested in?
Ifyou answered half or more of these questions with a yes, you are definitely being emotionally abused. But a yes answer to even a few of the above questions can also indicate emotional abuse. More than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive rela tionship is a consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating, and condescending behavior.
Determining Whether You Are Being Emotionally Abusive
As difficult as it is to admit you are being emotionally abused, it is even harder to face the possibility that you might be guilty of emotionally abusing your partner. No one wants to have to face the fact that he or she has lost control in this way and that his or her actions and/or words have caused his or her partner emotional damage. It is much easier to continue trying to justify or rationalize your behavior by telling yourself that your partner pushes you too far or that your partner deserves the treatment you give her. But if you are emotionally abusing your partner, the only way you are going to save your relationship and save yourself is to stop making excuses and admit the truth-first to yourself and eventually to your partner. The first step in admitting this truth is to answer the following questions as honestly as possible.
QUESTIONNAIRE: Are You Being Emotionally Abusive?
1.Do you believe you have a right to make most of the decisions in the relationship?
2.Do you insist that your partner do as you say?
3.Do you perceive yourself as being superior to or "better than" your partner (e.g., smarter, more competent, more powerful)? Do you feel you have a right to special treatment or consideration in the relationship because of this?
4.Do you secretly disrespect or even despise your partner because you feel she is weak, inadequate, stupid, or a pushover?
5.Did you deliberately get involved with a partner who would allow you to maintain the dominant role in the relationship?
6.Do you give your partner the silent treatment or withhold approval, affection, sex, or money when he or she doesn't do as you wish?
7.Do you threaten to leave the house or to end the relationship whenever you don't get your way?
8.Do you think your partner and others are just too sensitive and that is why they get their feelings hurt so often by the things you say and do? Do you think your partner should just learn how to laugh at himself instead of taking offense when you tease him?
9.Have you insisted that your partner drop all or most of her friends and outside activities?
10.Have you ever denied doing or saying something just to make your partner doubt her perceptions or her sanity?
11.Do you believe your partner should be willing to have sex with you whenever you are in the mood and that she should be willing to engage in any sexual activity you are interested in exploring?
12.Have you ever threatened to find someone who would have sex with you or who would engage in the sexual activities you want to engage in if your partner doesn't comply?
13.Do you experience frequent mood shifts, sometimes going from loving to rejecting in only a matter of a few minutes? Do you frequently become enraged? Are you often unaware of what causes your moods to change but assume it is something your partner did or didn't do?
14.Do you believe your partner should put other things aside in order to tend to your needs? Do you believe your partner should want to spend all her free time with you, and when she doesn't, do you accuse her of being unloving or failing as a partner?
15.Do you telephone your partner at work or at home wanting reassurance that he is still there and still loves you? If your partner isn't available to talk to you, do you become enraged?
16.Do you question your partner incessantly about her activities when you are apart? Do you want her to account for every minute of her day? Do you assume she is hiding something if she can't account for what she was doing at any given time? Do you insist she carry a pager or cell phone so you can always get hold of her? Have you ever listened in on his phone conversations without his permission or made visits to his work or the place where he said he'd be just to make sure he is there?
17. Do you insist on being in control of the money in the relationship? Do you insist that your partner ask your permission before spending any money, or have you imposed a budget or an allowance on him? Do you require your partner to account for every penny he spends?
18. Do you expect your partner to always have the same opinions as you? To vote the same way? To like the same activities?
19. Have you ever threatened to hurt or destroy something of your partner's? Have you ever threatened to hurt your partner? Have you ever threatened to hurt your partner's children, family, or friends?
20. Have you ever thrown or broken objects while in a rage at your partner or in an attempt to scare her? Have you ever refused to let your partner leave a room or your home? Have you ever pushed or shoved your partner?
If you answered yes to even one of these questions, it means that you have been guilty of emotionally abusing your partner. This doesn't mean you are a horrible person or even that you should be referred to as an "abuser." We are all guilty of using emotionally abusive tactics on our partners from time to time. This certainly doesn't make it right, however, and you should make a concerted effort to stop this behavior now that you know it is abusive.
If you answered more than five questions with a yes, you have exhibited a pattern of emotional abuse, and this is far more serious. If you want to regain your self-respect and your partner's trust, you will need to become totally honest with yourself and to your partner about your behavior and your attitude toward him or her. Later on in the book, you'll discover the reasons why you have become abusive, and you'll discover other ways of dealing with stress and with the feelings of shame, guilt, envy, and anger that have caused you to be abusive.
Please note: Question
s 1 to 5 reflect an emotionally abusive attitude. If you answered yes to half or more of these questions, you have an emotionally abusive attitude, and this in itself is experienced as emotional abuse. Even if you answered yes to only a few of the remaining questions, you still have reason to be concerned, because an emotionally abusive attitude often leads to emotionally abusive behavior.
No Monsters Here
Unlike many other books on the subject of abuse, this book is not going to characterize those who emotionally abuse their partners as horrible monsters. First of all, those who become emotionally abusive often do so unintentionally and unconsciously instead of deliberately and maliciously. Their unconscious motivations often come from the same source as partners who put up with emotionally abusive behavior-an abusive or neglectful childhood. This was the case with my client Don.
DON: LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON
I didn't mean to emotionally abuse my wife. Hell, I didn't even know I was doing it for a long time. I was just treating my wife the way my mother treated me. When I was growing up, my mother smothered me emotionally. She said she loved me so much that she couldn't bear to have me out of her sight. When I got older and insisted on going out to play with the other kids, she acted wounded and told me I didn't love her--otherwise I wouldn't want to leave her all alone. My dad died when I was five, and from that time on, my mom always said I had to be the man of the house. That meant taking care of her needs.
When I decided to get married, I looked for a woman who was very different from my mother-someone who wouldn't try to smother me, someone who had her own life and didn't need me to be there for her all the time. Sherry was just that kind of woman. She was independent and had lots of friends and was involved in lots of activities. But shortly after we got married, I suddenly started feeling threatened by her friends, and I felt abandoned if she decided to do something with them instead of staying home with me. I complained to her that she didn't love me, that if she did she'd prefer to be with me.