The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  As time went on, I became more and more possessive of her and accused her of having an affair. I even started following her when she went out. I began stalking my own wife! It wasn't until she insisted that we get counseling that I became aware that I was being abusive, and I was treating her the way my mother treated me.

  Sometimes a person can be aware that he is being abusive and feel horrible about it and yet still be unable to stop. When this person gains some insights as to why he is being abusive, he is often able to begin making significant changes. This was the case with my client Alex.

  ALEX: GETTING TO THE REAL REASON FOR His ANGER

  Alex came to me because he realized his treatment of his wife was becoming more and more abusive, yet even though he tried, he just couldn't stop himself. "I don't like it that I'm so critical of Carol all the time. I hate what comes out of my mouth. I can't believe the things I've said to her-horrible things. I always feel so angry with her, and I don't always know why."

  Alex often told himself he was angry with Carol because she couldn't seem to keep a job, and he had to support their family all by himself. He told himself it was because she didn't believe in birth control and so she kept having more and more kids. But while it was true that the financial pressure played a factor, it didn't really explain Alex's need to chastise and degrade Carol all the time. As it turned out, we were both to discover that it went back much further.

  Alex's family was very poor when he was growing up. His father used to have to go out of town to find work, and he'd send money home to Alex's mother that was intended to last the entire month. But his mother was an extravagant woman who spent almost the entire amount in the first week on luxury items like chocolate, expensive meats, and alcohol for parties she'd give for her friends. By the end of the month they were always down to potatoes, and sometimes they didn't even have that and they'd go hungry for a few days. Alex had vowed he'd never let his kids go hungry.

  During one of our sessions, Alex was talking about his mother when he turned to me and said, "Do you think that's why I feel so angry at my wife? Am I really angry at my mother?" That was, in fact, exactly what I was thinking. Alex and I began working on helping him to release his anger toward his mother.

  It is actually quite common for people who were emotionally abused in previous relationships to become abusive themselves in their attempt to avoid being victims.

  KAREN: TURNING THE TABLES

  Karen was emotionally abused as a child and in her first two marriages. Her second husband became so abusive that Karen almost committed suicide. This brought her into therapy. For two years Karen and I worked on repairing the damage caused by her husbands' and her father's domination and constant criticism. She worked on releasing the repressed anger that she had turned on herself and on being more assertive. Karen left therapy when she became involved with another man, a man who was different from her usual pattern. "This guy is so great. He lets me decide what we are going to do instead of telling me. And he never puts me down. He thinks I'm wonderful just the way I am."

  Even though I felt Karen had left therapy prematurely, things were indeed looking good for her. Two months later I received a wedding invitation in the mail. While it seemed a bit too soon, I hoped she was marrying a man who would be good to her.

  I received a call from Karen only four months later. She was in tears. Her new husband was threatening to leave her, and she wanted to know if I could see them in couples therapy to help her understand what was going on.

  Her new husband, Brett, explained that he loved Karen, but he simply couldn't tolerate the way she treated him. "She orders me around like I'm a child, and she insists on having her way. I'm a very easygoing guy, and I don't have to have things my way all the time, but I would like her to consider my needs sometimes. I know other men in her life treated her badly, but I'm not like those men. I treat her with respect, and I expect her to do the same. I just can't stand her belittling comments any longer."

  Karen admitted that she often criticized Brett, but she didn't realize she had become emotionally abusive. "I guess I mistook Brett's tendency to be easygoing as weakness, and for some reason this made me feel like I could get away with treating him badly. My God, I've become my father and my ex-husbands."

  Women and men like Karen often go from one extreme to the other-from victim to abuser-in their attempts to achieve some balance in their lives. While many become healthy enough to thwart their attraction to abusive partners, they often choose a person who is unassertive or passive in order to guarantee they will never be abused again. Unfortunately, their own abusiveness is then activated, as it was with Karen.

  With a few months of couples therapy, Karen and Brett were able to turn their relationship around. Karen learned to balance her need to not be dominated with consideration for Brett's needs, and Brett learned that he could be assertive with Karen without becoming an abuser himself.

  Instead of blaming and shaming those who have become abusive, I believe it is far more important to take responsibility for your behavior and for changing your behavior. This involves exploring your childhood for clues to your present behavior, releasing repressed and suppressed emotions toward what I call your "original abusers," and learning strategies for dealing with anger and stress in more constructive ways.

  Ending Emotional Abuse

  Sometimes stopping the abuse means walking away from an emotionally abusive relationship. Other times it means that the victim needs to gain enough strength and learn appropriate strategies so that she or he can become more assertive in the relationship. It almost always means that the abusive partner needs to discover and work on those core issues that cause the abusive behavior, and often it means working together as a couple to change the destructive patterns both have created.

  Some of you reading this book will, for the first time, discover that you are being emotionally abused. This may lead you to come to the conclusion that you need to end your relationship, and you may, in fact, be emotionally prepared to do so. But many of you will not be prepared to leave the relationship now. It may be that you fear being alone, or you may be afraid you won't be able to make it on your own-you may feel you need to become more financially stable before you can leave. Reading the book in its entirety and completing all the exercises, especially those in the chapters dedicated to victims of emotional abuse, will help you emotionally prepare to leave.

  Some of you may feel there is still a chance to turn things around in your relationship. By following the strategies offered in Part Two of the book, especially those about standing up to an abusive partner whenever he or she becomes abusive, I believe you have a good chance of salvaging your relationship. This is especially true if you and your partner are both willing to do your part in changing your negative patterns.

  Sometimes it becomes clear that a couple should not stay together, either because they continue to bring out the worst in one another or because the abusive partner refuses to work on changing. When this is the case, partners need to know when it is time to end the relationship and how to do so without destroying each other. The information in Part Three will help with this process.

  Each partner needs to understand why he or she is being abusive and/or why he or she is putting up with abuse from his or her partner. Part Two will explain in detail how we develop patterns of behavior based on our childhood experiences-the way our parents treated us and each other-and how we unconsciously repeat these patterns of behavior as a way of trying to resolve early childhood conflicts.

  Once you understand the root of your behavior, the next step will be to learn guidelines for how you can go about completing the unfinished business that has created your patterns of unhealthy behavior. Those of you who emotionally abuse your partner need help in working through your feelings of pain, rage, shame, fear, and guilt concerning your own abuse or neglect so you do not continue to repeat the behavior with your partner. If you are being emotionally abused, you need help recognizing
the fact that you do not deserve such treatment and understanding why you have tolerated the abuse in the first place.

  Patterns of Abuse

  Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.

  ROBERT FULGHUM

  The specific types of emotional abuse that we briefly discussed in chapter 1 are most often combined together to create certain patterns of abuse. In this chapter we'll explore these patterns in depth and discover why they are the most prevalent types of emotional abuse between intimate couples. As you read the descriptions, try to keep an open mind about whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of these types of abusive patterns.

  Domination

  To dominate is to attempt to control another person's actions. The person who tries to dominate another person has a tremendous need to have his own way, and he often resorts to threats in order to get it. Domineering behavior includes ordering a partner around; monitoring time and activities; restricting resources (finances, telephone); restricting social activities; isolating a partner from her family or friends; interfering with opportunities (job, education, medical care); excessive jealousy and possessiveness; throwing objects; threatening to harm a partner or a partner's children, family, friends, pets, or property; abusing a partner's children, parents, or pets in front of her; and forcing or coercing a partner into illegal activity.

  ANDREA AND TIM: A NEED TO CONTROL

  Andrea's husband, Tim, insisted on having control over all aspects of their lives. He insisted that Andrea turn over her entire check to him as soon as she was paid, and then gave her an allowance for the week to pay for lunches and other incidentals. If Andrea needed to buy something, such as some new shoes or a new dress for a special occasion, she had to ask Tim for the money. She always had to have a good reason why she needed the money, and depending on his mood, he would give it to her or not.

  Tim also had to have control over their social life. He chose their friends and which movies and restaurants they would go to. Whenever Andrea tried to assert herself by suggesting a particular movie or restaurant, Tim would act as if she were the controlling one. "You know I hate those girly movies," he'd yell at her. "Why do you keep on insisting we go to them?" That didn't stop Tim from insisting on going to violent action movies, even though he knew Andrea hated them. When they were first married, Andrea tried insisting that she and Tim go to a new restaurant every so often. But once they were seated, Tim would begin to find fault with the lighting, the service, and the food to such an extent that it ruined her evening. Andrea soon learned that it just wasn't worth it to be assertive with Tim, that it was best to give him his own way.

  Tim even dictated when Andrea could see her parents. He felt threatened by her close relationship with them and didn't want them "interfering" with their marriage, so he refused to let her see them very often or even talk on the phone with them. If her mother called, Tim would insist Andrea hang up after only a few minutes because he was expecting an important call from work, or he would make so much noise in the background that she couldn't hear what her mother was saying.

  Verbal Assaults

  Verbal assault includes berating, belittling, criticizing, humiliating, name-calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, shaming, using sarcasm in a cutting way, or expressing disgust toward the person. This kind of abuse is extremely damaging to a person's selfesteem and self-image. Just as assuredly as physical violence assaults the body, verbal abuse assaults the mind and spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal. Yelling and screaming is not only demeaning but frightening as well. When someone yells at us, we become afraid that he or she may also resort to physical violence. In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans includes the following as forms of verbal abuse: withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, blocking and diverting, accusing, judging, trivializing, forgetting, ordering, denial, and abusive anger.

  KITTY AND ROLAND: THE CASE OF THE POISON TONGUE

  Roland was constantly exasperated with his wife, Kitty. "I just can't believe you could have been so stupid," was one of his typical phrases. Others included "Get your head out of your butt" and "What were you thinking?" The insinuation was always the same-that Kitty was incompetent.

  These comments started shortly after Kitty and Roland were married. "I do make a lot of mistakes," Kitty explained to me. "I don't blame him for getting impatient with me." Kitty didn't seem to understand that Roland's comments were hurting her emotionally and that every time she made a mistake and was chastised by him, her selfesteem was being damaged. "I try to hide my mistakes from him because I know he's going to tell me how stupid I am when if he finds out," Kitty finally admitted. And she admitted something else as well. "When I'm around Roland, I seem to make more mistakes than usual. I guess it's because I'm so worried I'll goof up that I end up doing it."

  Both Roland and Kitty seemed to feel that he had the right to chastise Kitty and call her names, even after I explained to both of them that Roland was actually verbally abusing Kitty. Roland quit therapy shortly afterward, but I continued to see Kitty. As time went by, Roland became more and more abusive, and Kitty began to feel more and more inadequate. Finally, one day Kitty broke down and started sobbing after Roland had said some particularly cruel things to her. This was the turning point for Kitty. She finally recognized she was being abused and how it was damaging her.

  Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming

  This form of emotional abuse can be included in the verbal abuse category, but I have chosen to make it a separate category because it often occurs on its own, without any other form of verbal abuse accompanying it, and because it can sometimes characterize an entire relationship.

  When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your selfconfidence and sense of self-worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and about your accomplishments.

  When a partner overtly criticizes or screams and yells, it is easy to come to the conclusion that one is being emotionally abused, but when your partner puts you down under the guise of humor, it can be extremely difficult to come to this realization. In Ted's case, it took a friend calling it to his attention before he realized his wife was emotionally and verbally abusing him.

  TED: THE CASE OF THE STICK-IN-THE-MUD

  Ted's wife, Judy, was a fun-loving woman who laughed and joked a lot, loved to socialize, and was always the life of the party. Ted was a rather quiet man, and he found Judy's ease with people refreshing and stimulating. He often told her he wished he could be more like her. So when Judy began to tease him about being an old "stick-in-the-mud" right after they got married, Ted just laughed right along with her. But this was only the beginning. Judy began to make jokes about Ted in front of others: "Please excuse Ted. He forgot to wake up this morning." Ted took this as a gentle reminder that he needed to participate more in conversations, and he forced himself to talk about himself and his interests when they had company. But whenever he did this, Judy would feign a yawn or roll her eyes, signaling to him that he was being boring. Ted would take the hint and go back into his shell. He decided he was better off being a listener and letting Judy be the socializer.

  But Judy didn't stop there. She started in on the way he dressed, the way he carried himself, and his general demeanor. She called him "the professor"-teasing him about how conservative and low-key his dress and style were. "Don't you have even one tie with some color to it?" or "How long have you had that suit?" she'd complain when they were going out. "Stand up straight," she'd order. "You look like a tired old man." Most of the time Ted just tried to laugh off Judy's comments, even though he was sometimes deeply hurt by them. Often he took her seriously and, believing that Judy was just looking out for him, he actually made some changes
, such as improving his posture and buying some new, more stylish clothes. If anyone would have told Ted that he was being emotionally abused, he would have told them they were crazy. After all, Judy was just trying to help him out.

  It wasn't until his hometown best friend, Lawrence, came to visit him that Ted began to recognize he was being emotionally abused. "Lawrence was shocked at how Judy talked to me," Ted told me during our first session. "And he was surprised to see me just taking it instead of standing up for myself. He told me I'd gone from a self-assured, congenial kind of guy to an insecure, withdrawn man he barely recognized. He asked me why I let her talk to me that way. When I tried to explain it was just her sense of humor he said, `Bullshit, she's putting you down all the time.' I finally had to admit he was right."

  Abusive Expectations

  When you have abusive expectations, you place unreasonable demands on your partner. For example, expecting a partner to put aside everything in order to satisfy your needs, demanding a partner's undivided attention, demanding constant sex, or requiring a partner to spend all of his or her time with you are all examples of abusive expectations. A partner with abusive expectations can never be pleased because there is always something more you could have done. You are likely to be subjected to constant criticism and to be berated because you don't fulfill his or her needs.

  TESSA: WHATEVER FRANK WANTED

  Tessa's boyfriend, Frank, was guilty of having abusive expectations of her. This is how she described their relationship during our interview: "From the very beginning of our relationship, it seemed to always be about what Frank wanted. He didn't like me to wear short skirts or too much makeup because he said it made me look like a tramp, and he wanted to be proud of me. So I wore longer dresses or pants and lightened up on the makeup. He didn't like me going out with the girls for a drink after work because he was afraid I'd pick up some guy, so I stopped. He still went out with the guys, mind you, but he said that was different. He said men had to have their freedom, otherwise they'll feel henpecked, and it will destroy the relationship. He wanted me to go straight home after work and wait there until he was finished doing whatever he was doing, and then he'd come over. And of course, he wanted to have sex when he got there. It didn't matter how I was feeling, whether I was in the mood or not-I was supposed to be ready, willing, and able whenever he was in the mood. I guess the worst part of it was that he refused to use a condom. He said he couldn't feel as much. I told him I was afraid of AIDS, but he assured me that we wouldn't get itthat only homosexuals or whores got it. I knew he wasn't right about that, but he refused to wear one so what was Ito do? I don't know why I stayed with him so long. I knew he was being unreasonable about a lot of things. I didn't realize that was a form of emotional abuse."