The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  Many abusers are totally unaware that their attitude and/or behavior is abusive. This doesn't, however, make their behavior any less destructive or damaging to their partner or the relationship.

  Even those who are aware they are being abusive often do so in a desperate attempt to gain a feeling of control in their lives. Add to this the fact that we can all become emotionally abusive given the right circumstances, and we can see that emotional abusers are not necessarily horrible people at all. Most people who emotionally abuse others were themselves emotionally abused and are merely reenacting what was done to them. However, this doesn't make their actions, attitudes, or words hurt any less nor does it make them any less damaging.

  Certainly, some people deliberately and maliciously set out to destroy their partner. But most people who emotionally abuse their partner do so either unconsciously or as a way of surviving the stress of an emotional relationship. When our first experiences of intimacy were fraught with fear, abandonment, humiliation, or smothering, we can't help but repeat these behaviors when we become adults and enter into intimate relationships. Most people initially felt love feelings for their partner, otherwise they wouldn't have chosen to be with him or her. But those love feelings can be destroyed by feelings of anger when our hopes are dashed, when our partner fails to meet our expectations, or when we come to feel rejected, betrayed, or abandoned by our partner.

  To complicate things, sometimes we become emotionally abusive because we love our partners so much or because we are insecure. This is particularly true of those who "love too much" and those who tend to lose themselves in their relationships. Sometimes our love becomes distorted by our feelings of insecurity and our fear of abandonment. This is the often the case with those who become overly controlling and overly smothering of their partner. Others become emotionally abusive because of their fear of intimacy.

  Even intentional emotional abuse is not always malicious. In the heat of passion we are all guilty of wanting to hurt our partner. If our partner has hurt us, we want him or her to hurt, too. We may deliberately say something hurtful even though we know the effect it will have. We may threaten to leave, knowing it will cause our partner to become insecure. Or we may give our partner the silent treatment or withhold affection or sex in the hope that he or she will suffer from our rejection. Although these are all forms of intentional emotional abuse, even the most loving person is guilty of these actions from time to time.

  Again, it does not become emotional abuse unless there is a clear and consistent pattern.

  Malevolent Abuse

  There is another form of intentional abuse that is more insidious and far more damaging. I call this malevolent (lethal) abuse. Malevolent abuse is abuse that is not only intentional but deliberately undermining. It is when one partner is bent on undermining or even destroying the other, when one partner is so angry or envious or so full of hate that he deliberately and maliciously sets out to sabotage a partner's success, health, or happiness.

  EXERCISE: Are You Guilty of Malevolent Abuse?

  Although it will be terribly painful to admit, ask yourself the following questions and answer as honestly as you possibly can. Remember, unless you are totally honest with yourself, you cannot save yourself or your relationship.

  1. Do you often secretly hope that bad things will happen to your partner? For example, do you hope she will fail at an endeavor, lose a competition, or be rejected when she attempts to join a club?

  2. Do you get a deep sense of satisfaction when bad things happen to your partner?

  3. Do you sometimes cause bad things to happen to your partner? For example, do you sabotage your partner's friendships by telling people he drinks too much and becomes abusive to you when it is not true?

  4. Do you deliberately undermine or sabotage your partner's efforts to gain success? For example, do you hide your wife's keys so she'll be late for an important meeting?

  5. Do you deliberately cause your partner to doubt himself or to question his perceptions?

  If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you need to take responsibility for your actions by committing to therapy in order to discover why you are so angry with or envious of your partner. When you truly love someone in a pure, uncontaminated way, you desire for that person to be happy and successful. You aren't constantly consumed with envy or a desire to get back at him or her for some real or imagined infraction.

  If you answered yes to more than two of these questions, you need to seriously question whether you should be with this person. There may be more hate than love in the relationship, or you may have serious issues from the past that are interfering with your ability to be intimate with anyone. By the same token, if you suspect or know that your partner has at times deliberately tried to undermine or sabotage your success, your friendships, or your happiness, you need to seriously consider whether you should stay with such a person.

  While we are all guilty of an occasional fantasy of harm coming to our partner or an occasional act of sabotage, if there is a pattern of such fantasies or behavior, either on your part or on the part of your partner, you need to seek individual or couples therapy to discover the roots of your anger and negativity toward each other or you need to free yourself or your partner from the clutches of such powerful destructive energy.

  RECOMMENDED FILMS

  What's Love Got to Do With It? (control and domination)

  Gaslight (gaslighting)

  Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike

  No one worth possessing can be quite possessed.

  SARA TEASDALE

  Sometimes individuals or couples become confused about whether or not they are in an emotionally abusive relationship because their particular relationship doesn't resemble those described by other books or by other experts on emotional abuse. But there isn't just one type of emotionally abusive relationship-there are many. I have discovered seven primary types:

  1. One partner abuses and the other doesn't.

  2. One partner began abusing the other, and the other partner chose to retaliate.

  3. From the beginning of the relationship, both partners have emotionally abused each other on an ongoing basis.

  4. It is not clear who is abusing whom.

  5. One partner sets up the other to become emotionally abusive.

  6. One partner is abusive due to a mental illness or personality disorder.

  7. One or both partners has an abusive personality.

  The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

  Type One. One Partner Abuses and the Other Doesn't

  Even though I often refer to situations in which some couples become mutually abusive, I certainly don't mean to imply that one-sided abuse does not occur. There are clearly situations in which only one partner actively abuses the other. In fact, when most people think of emotional abuse, this is the type they are thinking of. Although abusers frequently blame their partner for their own problems, often it is the case that their partner has not contributed to the abusive situation in any way.

  Typically, the only way a partner has contributed to the abuse is by being too complacent or too understanding. This was the case with Paul and Gloria, the sister of a friend of mine. Gloria is an extremely controlling woman who needs to always have things her way. She orders her husband, Paul, around like a child. On one occasion when she, Paul, my friend Rona, and her husband, Al, were getting in Paul's car to leave after a visit in my home, Gloria insisted that Paul move his seat forward to make room for Al's legs. Paul did so, but it wasn't enough to please Gloria. "Give A] more room," she insisted, "pull your seat up further." Paul complied, even though his legs were practically wrapped around the steering wheel. Once again, Gloria looked in the backseat to see if Al had enough room. It looked to me as if he had more than enough room since there was a space between his legs and the backseat. But Gloria wasn't satisfied. "I told you to move your seat forward," she yelled at Paul, hitting him on the head wit
h the flat of her hand.

  This is how Gloria regularly treats Paul. She orders him around mercilessly, and nothing he does is ever right. Her most frequent comments to him are "What's wrong with you?" and "I can't believe you can be that stupid." Paul seems to go out of his way to please her and never seems to get angry at her mistreatment of him. When someone asks Paul a question, Gloria often corrects his answer. "That's not the way it was," she'll snap. "Can't you get anything right?"

  Paul never argues with her, never contradicts her. He just smiles sheepishly at whoever is within hearing distance. Often, before he says something, he'll look at Gloria first, as if he is looking for some kind of a sign from her whether or not it is okay to speak. And sometimes I've even seen him start to move in a certain direction and then stop and look around, as if he can't decide which way to go. It is really sad.

  Paul is a courteous, caring man, and I see nothing in his behavior to warrant Gloria's treatment of him. While it is true that I don't know what happens behind closed doors in their relationship, it appears as if Paul just puts up with Gloria's behavior, no matter how abusive she becomes. As far as I can see, this is clearly an example of one person emotionally abusing another with little or no provocation.

  In situations where only one partner is abusive, the abused partner may be unaware that he is being abused, or he may have tried to get the abusive partner to stop-to no avail. He may put up with the abuse because he is afraid to leave the relationship, because he feels he deserves the abuse, or because he feels he loves his partner too much to leave her. This type of abuse is most often characterized by the following:

  •One partner has learned to overlook the unkindness and disrespect of the other.

  •One partner is made to feel she is always wrong.

  •One partner is made to question his perceptions, opinions, and reactions and to feel that his feelings are wrong.

  •One partner blames herself whenever there is a problem in the relationship.

  •One partner blames himself for his partner's unhappiness.

  •The abusive partner continually denies any responsibility for problems.

  •The abusive partner often denies that incidents even occurred.

  •The abusive partner controls the interpersonal communication.

  Type Two: One Partner Began Abusing the Other, and the Abused Partner Chose to Retaliate

  In this situation, one partner may have started the abuse, but the other partner became equally abusive, either as a way of getting back at her partner for his hurtful words or behavior or as a way of defending herself. A partner may put up with abusive treatment for years before retaliating, or she may retaliate as soon as the abuse begins.

  I have often heard clients say that they started out adoring their partner, going out of their way to please him and show him loveonly to be rewarded with coldness, rejection, dismissive looks, and belittling. After a while, these people become so hurt and feel so taken for granted that they become cold or insulting in return.

  In other situations, emotional abuse can occur slowly and in the form of blatant disrespect and character assassination and is returned in kind. This is what occurred between Rebecca and Ken. As Rebecca explained it to me:

  It seemed to happen gradually. It started with Ken making snide comments about how much money I spent on groceries and about not liking my cooking. He'd say things like, "For all the money you spend on food, you'd think we could get a decent meal around here." He even said things like that when we had guests. I tried to ignore him, even though his comments really hurt me.

  Then he started treating me like his housekeeper or slave in front of other people. When we had company over, he'd order me around, telling me to get something instead of asking for it. He even started snapping his fingers at me to get my attention. I think that's rude when people do it to waitresses, much less to your wife.

  I tried telling him about it, but he just brushed me off, saying I was just too sensitive. Finally, I got tired of trying to explain it to him and started giving him some of his own medicine. When he'd complain about my cooking in front of others, I'd say something like, "Well, it sure doesn't stop you from eating, now does it, Ken? You're getting quite a gut there." He'd laugh along with everyone else, but I knew I'd gotten to him.

  It just went on from there. He'd put me down, and I'd find a way to get back at him. It got so we lost almost all respect for each other. There was practically nothing we wouldn't say to each other. I've built up a wall so his words don't even hurt me that much anymore, but in the process I've lost any tender feelings for him. I'm completely turned off to him sexually, and I don't know when the last time was we hugged each other or said something nice to each other. We're more enemies than lovers.

  Type Three: From the Beginning of the Relationship, Both Partners Have Emotionally Abused Each Other on an Ongoing Basis

  In this type of relationship, both partners have been emotionally abusing each other for quite some time-usually from the very beginning of the relationship. Frequently, the abuse has always been mutual, and the level of abuse is quite equal. This was the case with Roxie and Sam, whom I interviewed for the book:

  Sam and I started emotionally abusing each other almost from the beginning. We're both pretty insecure, and I think we do it because we both get hurt so easily. We fell in love right away, and our relationship started out being very intense and passionate. We both got swept off our feet. Our lives totally changed when we got together. We both dropped all our friends and had to be together all the time. But I think it made us too dependent on each other and too vulnerable.

  Who knows how it started? I'd say something that hurt his feelings and he'd say something back to hurt mine. He'd brush me off one morning when I tried to make love and so I'd reject him the next time he tried. He'd say he wanted to go see his old friends, and I'd get hurt and go out with my girlfriends and get drunk and come home late just to get back at him. It just goes on and on, and now we don't know how to stop it. We love each other so much but we've hurt each other so much-I'm afraid we're going to either destroy our love or destroy each other if we don't find a way to stop.

  In the classic movie Who 's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, starring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, we see this type of relationship played out masterfully. In the very beginning of the movie, we get the impression that Martha, played by Taylor, is a brash, loud, and obnoxious woman who constantly verbally abuses and dominates her husband, George, played by Burton. "What a dump," she complains as they enter their home after a party. "Don't you know anything?" she chastises when George can't remember the name of the movie that Bette Davis used that line in. "Dumbbell," she calls him, and "You never do anything," she taunts him later on.

  You can't help feeling sorry for this poor man. Why does he put up with this kind of treatment? we ask ourselves. The more George puts up with Martha's insults and taunting, the more she does it. When George gives her one of his long-suffering looks, Martha chides, "Poor Georgie-put-upon pie." Later on she says, "You make me puke. You're such a simp."

  But it isn't long before we see George's true colors. He manages to slide his own insults into the conversation in a very passive-aggressive way. He casually makes a comment about how Martha "brays" at everyone and slips in a quiet comment about her "big teeth." When she asks him to pour her a drink, he cautions her about drinking too much, and then-seemingly on a roll-he becomes bolder and says, "There isn't a more sickening sight in the world than you with too many drinks and your skirt up over your head-your heads, I should say." When she takes a gulp of the drink he says, "My God, you can swill it down." A little later, he says, "There isn't an abhorrent award around that you haven't won."

  Before long you realize that these two are very well matched in a sad sort of way. They are certainly equal in the amount of abuse they lavish on each other. We don't know who started it-but we can see that it will be a fight to the death to see who ends it.

  While their
relationship may seem like a caricature, the truth is that it accurately depicts the sort of emotional dueling that occurs between some couples. It is also not that uncommon for partners to take turns at being emotionally abusive to one another. As one client shared with me, "We went back and forth. Sometimes I was unkind to him and said horrible things, and other times he was unkind to me. It just depended on what was going on in the relationship-who felt the most secure or insecure."

  The following questionnaire will help you determine whether you are in this type of emotionally abusive relationship.

  QUESTIONNAIRE: Mutual Abuse

  1. Do you and your partner frequently put each other down with cutting comments, sarcasm, and criticism?

  2. Do you bring up each other's past failures and mistakes as a way of putting the other in his or her place?

  3. Do you blame each other for your own problems in life?

  4. Do you each blame the other for the problems in the relationship?

  5. Do you deliberately try to make each other jealous by flirting or talking about how attractive or sexy someone is?

  6. Do you frequently complain about each other's behavior?

  7. Do you punish each other with the silent treatment?

  8. Do you punish each other by withholding affection or sex?

  9. Are you constantly competing with each other to see who is the smarter, the more accomplished, the more popular, or the more attractive?

  10. Do you use each other's weaknesses and insecurities against one another?

  11. Do you attempt to alienate each other from friends and family out of your own sense of insecurity?