The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  Emotional Blackmail

  Emotional blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. It occurs when one partner either consciously or unconsciously coerces the other into doing what he wants by playing on his partner's fear, guilt, or compassion. Examples of emotional blackmail include one partner threatening to end a relationship if he doesn't get what he wants and one partner rejecting or distancing herself from her partner until he gives in to her demands. If your partner withholds sex or affection or gives you the silent treatment or the cold shoulder whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to find someone else, or uses other fear tactics to get you under control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail.

  Threats of emotional blackmail don't have to be overt. In fact, they are often quite subtle. For example, a woman may jokingly suggest that her boyfriend better start paying more attention to her sexually if he wants to keep her. In order to get his wife to do as he wishes, a man may subtly threaten her by saying that it will be difficult to find a new partner who is willing to get involved with a woman who already has two children. Or in order to control his partner, a gay man may remind him of how dangerous it is out there in the world, with AIDS and all.

  WILLIAM: THE CASE OF THE BUDDING WRITER

  Those who use the tactic of emotional blackmail also utilize guilt in order to get their way or keep their partner in line. For example, my client William wanted very badly to become an author. It was a dream of his since he was a child. But he and his wife had gotten married right out of high school, and they started having kids right away, so he had to go to work to support the family. But at age forty, William had saved enough money and vacation time to be able to take off an entire summer to attend a writer's summer residential workshop back east. I remember vividly the day he bounded into my office with the news that he'd been accepted into the program:

  "Do you know how many applications they get every year for their program? Do you realize what an honor this is for me? What a dream come true?" He could hardly contain his excitement as he showed me his acceptance letter. I had never seen him as happy.

  But William's happiness was short-lived. By the time I saw him at our next session one week later, William's bubble had burst. "What happened?" I asked, sensing immediately that something was wrong.

  "I'm not going to go to the writer's program this summer," he said.

  "Why not? What made you change your mind?" I asked.

  "Sandy doesn't want me to go. She says that if I can take an entire summer off from work, I should volunteer to watch the kids while she goes on a vacation. She says why should I be the one to be able to get away when she works just as hard as I do as a homemaker? She said I'm being selfish, and I guess she's right."

  "You feel it is selfish to want to fulfill a dream you've had most of your life?" I asked.

  "Yes, if it means making Sandy unhappy. After all, as she likes to remind me, she was a beautiful woman and could have married a man who made a lot more money than I do. I haven't been able to give her all the things she's wanted. Besides, she'll make my life hell if I go. It's just not worth it."

  And so, William turned down the opportunity to go to the writer's workshop and put aside his dreams of becoming a writer. As it turned out, his sense of obligation to his wife was stronger than his willingness to stand up for himself and his needs. As Susan Forward wrote in her book Emotional Blackmail: fear, obligation, and guilt are the traits most likely to make us vulnerable to emotional blackmail because they obscure our choices and limit our options to those the blackmailer picks for us.

  The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally blackmailed:

  •Your partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.

  •Your partner tries to make you feel like you are selfish or a bad person if you do something she doesn't want you to do.

  •Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for her.

  •Your partner threatens to leave you if you don't change.

  •Your partner threatens to withhold money or access to money unless you do something he has requested.

  Unpredictable Responses

  This type of emotional abuse includes drastic mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts for no apparent reason, and inconsistent responses such as: reacting very differently at various times to the same behavior, saying one thing one day and the opposite the next, or frequently changing one's mind (liking something one day but hating it the next). The reason this behavior is damaging is that it causes others, especially a partner, to feel constantly on edge. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you never feel you know what is expected of you. Living with someone who is like this is extremely demanding and anxiety provoking-you feel constantly frightened, unsettled, and off balance, and that you must remain hypervigilant, waiting for your partner's next outburst or change of mood.

  This kind of behavior is common with alcohol and drug abusers who can exhibit one personality when sober and a totally different one when intoxicated or high. It can also be an indication of mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder, or certain personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, which cause a person to have drastic shifts in mood, to have emotional outbursts (sudden anger, overwhelming fear, or anxiety attacks), or to react unpredictably. Finally, it can be characteristic of those who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder or dissociative disorder, as in the following example.

  JENNY: THE Two SIDES OF LUCAS

  Jenny never knew what to expect from her boyfriend, Lucas. At times he could be the sweetest man she'd ever known, bringing her flowers, taking her to romantic restaurants, even writing her poetry. This could go on for months at a time-and then suddenly, one day, for no apparent reason, his mood would shift, and Lucas would seem like a different person entirely. He became extremely quiet and withdrawn and would sometimes even snap at her to get away from him whenever she tried to touch him. If she asked him what was wrong he would tell her "nothing" or that he needed some space. This could sometimes go on for days or even weeks at a time with their barely speaking to each other. Then, once again without notice, Lucas would wake up one day and be his old charming, sweet self. When Jenny tried to find out what had happened, he'd give her a peculiar look and ask, "What do you mean?" as if the last few days or weeks hadn't even occurred.

  Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis

  Although similar to unpredictable responses in that this type of abuse will cause you to feel constantly unsettled and off balance, it is specifically characterized by continual upheavals and discord. If your partner deliberately starts arguments with you or others or seems to be in constant conflict with others, he or she may be "addicted to drama." Creating chaos provides excitement for some people, especially those who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their own problems by focusing outward, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up with activity, and those who were raised in an environment in which harmony and peace were unknown quantities. Constant chaos is also characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder, which we discuss in chapters 8 and 9.

  J. C.: NEVER A DULL MOMENT

  As my client J. C. explained to me, life was never calm around his wife, Wendy. "She's always starting trouble. I don't think I can remember one day since I've known her when she wasn't fighting with someone. If she's not angry with someone at work, she's arguing with one of her sisters or her mother. And I never know what to expect when I come home. There might be a house full of people drinking and carrying on, or she might have gone off somewhere without leaving me a note."

  While J. C. was initially attracted to Wendy's drama, it was beginning to take a toll on him. "I don't sleep well at night and I'm always nervous. I've lost my appetite and I keep losing weight. And I know all this drama and chaos isn't good for the kids."

  Character Assassination

  This involves constantly blowi
ng someone's mistakes out of proportion, humiliating, criticizing, or making fun of someone in front of others, or discounting another person's achievements. It can also include lying about someone in order to negatively affect others' opinion of them and gossiping about a person's failures and mistakes with others. In addition to the pain this behavior can cause an individual on a personal level, character assassination can ruin someone's personal and professional reputation, causing them to lose friends, jobs, or even their family.

  SUSAN AND LESLIE: THE CASE OF THE NOT SO-FUNNY COMMENTS

  Susan constantly made fun of Leslie in front of their friends. It all seemed to be innocent enough at first, but after a while Leslie began to question whether Susan's comments were a sign of hostility. "She makes fun of how feminine I am-how I like to cook and decorate the house-that kind of stuff. She calls me her little hausfrau. She and most of her friends are real jocks, but I'm not really into sports, and she makes fun of me about that, too. There's always an air of superiority in her comments and that hurts. I've told her about it, but she just tells me not to be so sensitive-the implication being that this in itself is a sign that I'm too `girlie.' Sometimes when her friends are around, she seems to really get off on making fun of how I dress, especially when she's drinking. I know her friends don't take me seriously because of the way she treats me. I'm sure they've lost any respect they may have once had for me."

  Gaslighting

  This term comes from the classic movie Gaslight, in which a husband uses a variety of insidious techniques to make his wife doubt her perceptions, her memory, and her very sanity. A partner who does this may continually deny that certain events occurred or that he or she said something you both know was said, or he or she may insinuate that you are exaggerating or lying. In this way, the abusive person may be trying to gain control over you or to avoid taking responsibility for his or her actions. This is one of the forms of emotional abuse that is done very consciously and deliberately. It is sometimes used by those who need to discredit their partner in order to get access to his or her money, in order to turn others against him or her, or as a way to justify their own inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behavior. In the movie, the husband needed to make his wife and others think she was insane in order to get access to her money.

  VERONICA: JUST "IMAGINING" THINGS

  "Sometimes I think I'm crazy," my new client Veronica shared with me. "My husband tells me he loves me, and I really have no reason to doubt him, and yet it often seems to me that he deliberately tries to make me doubt myself. I'll see him flirting with a woman at a party, but when I confront him with it he swears it isn't true. He says I'm just imagining things because I'm so insecure, and he'll remind me that he's a friendly guy to everyone. I start telling myself that it is true, I am insecure, and that he is a friendly person, and pretty soon I start to think I must have imagined the whole thing after all. Is this common? Do people really imagine they are seeing things when it isn't really happening?"

  Although in rare cases people do imagine seeing things that aren't happening, in Veronica's case it turned out that her husband had been having numerous affairs during their marriage and that he used gaslighting techniques to keep Veronica off balance and confused.

  Sexual Harassment

  Normally the term sexual harassment is used when referring to sexual coercion in the workplace, but a person can be sexually harassed by anyone, including her partner. Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual advances or any physical or verbal conduct of a sexual nature that is uninvited and unwelcome. In order to be legally considered sexual harassment, the conduct must be tied to an employment decision, such as hiring or promotion, or it must interfere with work performance or create a hostile environment. But whenever a person is pressured into becoming sexual against her will, whether it is because she does not feel like being sexual at the time or does not choose that person as a sexual partner, it is the form of emotional abuse called sexual harassment. It is also considered sexual harassment to try to force a partner into engaging in sexual acts that she has no interest in or that upset or repulse her. Oftentimes, other forms of emotional abuse go hand in hand with sexual harassment, such as unreasonable expectations, constant criticism, name-calling, and emotional blackmail.

  RACHEL: THE CASE OF THE COLD FISH

  Rachel's husband, Steven, pressured her constantly to have sex. He not only wanted to have sex every night and every morning, but he would often wake up in the middle of the night with an erection and wake her up insisting she "take care of it." Not only were his sexual demands a form of unreasonable expectations, but even when Rachel complied, he never seemed to be happy. "He'd complain that I wasn't into it enough or that I didn't move the right way. It really was impossible to please him," Rachel shared with me during one of our sessions.

  If she refused to have sex with him, Rachel would be bombarded with insults such as "You're a cold fish." This verbal abuse certainly didn't warm Rachel up any. "I don't know how he expected me to want to have sex with him after he'd insult me like that. I have to confess that there have been many times I've just agreed to have sex because it was less painful than being pressured or insulted."

  Steven also pressured Rachel to engage in kinky sex acts, many of which repulsed her. When she refused, he'd threaten to find someone who would agree to do the things he wanted to do. This emotional blackmail almost always worked, since Rachel was afraid of losing him. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but as much as I hate all the sexual pressure, I'd hate it even more if he actually went through with it and had sex with someone else. I'd feel like such a failure, like I couldn't even satisfy my own husband. And I guess there's a part of me that believes him when he says I'm cold, because I'm afraid if he went out there and had sex with another woman, he'd find out what he was missing and he'd leave me." As you can see, Rachel has taken on her husband's accusations and insults, and they have affected the way she perceives herself-typical of emotional abuse victims.

  Clear and Consistent Patterns

  As you read through the above descriptions, you no doubt recognize behavior that you or your partner have been guilty of. Does this mean that your partner is an emotional abuser? Does it mean you are? Does it mean you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?

  Yes and no. We have all been guilty of committing some of these behaviors, and we all experience them from our partner on occasion, even though he or she is not generally abusive in any other way. When a relationship is not going well, there is often a great deal of arguing and bickering, and either or both partners may resort to name-calling, criticizing, and other behaviors that they normally would not engage in. The same thing occurs when one or both partners are under a great deal of stress, especially if they are unable to communicate frustrations with their partner in order to receive support and understanding. But there is a vast difference between name-calling or criticizing in the heat of an argument and doing so on a day-to-day basis.

  Similarly, even constant complaining is not necessarily emotionally abusive unless it is destructive and the intent is to make one's partner feel bad about herself or himself. For example, a wife who occasionally complains that her husband does not make enough money isn't necessarily being emotionally abusive. But if she constantly tells him he is stupid, lazy, and a failure because he does not make enough money, she is being abusive.

  Criticism is not considered emotionally abusive unless:

  •It is constant, as opposed to occasional.

  •The intent is to devalue or denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.

  •The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.

  •The person has an overall attitude of disrespect toward you, rather than just not liking something specific that you are doing.

  For example, if, in addition to complaining, the wife in the above example also gives her husband the cold shoulder whenever he brings his check home, makes disparaging remarks about his low
pay to others in front of him, or threatens to leave him if he doesn't find a job that pays more, she is definitely being emotionally abusive. It is the clear and consistent pattern of her remarks and actions-her ongoing efforts to demean and control her husband-that makes this wife's behavior emotionally abusive.

  Overt and Covert Abuse

  A pattern of emotional abuse occurs on both an overt and a covert level. Overt abuse is openly demeaning. When the wife in the above example openly complains to other family members and friends that her husband doesn't make enough money and that he's just too weak to ask for a raise, she is being overtly abusive.

  Covert emotional abuse is subtler than overt abuse, but no less devastating. When the wife gives her husband contemptuous looks when he tells her they can't afford something, when she offhandedly suggests that maybe some other man might buy it for her, she is being covertly abusive.

  Intentional and Unintentional Abuse

  Many experts would add that another way of deciding if a behavior is emotionally abusive is whether or not it is intentional. In fact, when most clinicians refer to emotional abuse, they usually mean intentional abuse. While some partners deliberately use words, gestures, silence, or scare tactics to manipulate or control their partner, many do so without conscious intent. This is particularly true when one or both partners are repeating his or her parents' behavior. For the purpose of clarity, I wish to broaden the definition of emotional abuse even further to include any behavior or attitude that emotionally damages another person, regardless of whether there is conscious intent to do so.