The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

•Regret-a statement of regret for having caused the hurt and damage to the other person. This includes an expression of empathy toward the other person, including an acknowledgment of the hurt and damage that you caused the other person.

  Havingempathy for the person you hurt or angered is the most important part of your apology. When you truly have empathy, the other person will feel it. Your apology will wash over him like a healing balm. If you don't have empathy, your apology will sound and feel empty.

  •Responsibility-an acceptance of responsibility for your actions. This means not blaming anyone else for what you did and not making excuses for your actions but instead accepting full responsibility for what you did and for the consequences of your actions.

  •Remedy --a statement of your willingness to take action to remedy the situation. This takes place either by promising not to repeat the action, promising to work toward not making the same mistake again, stating how you are going to remedy the situation (e.g., go to therapy), or making restitution for the damages you caused.

  Apologizing to your partner for abusing her can be insulting unless you offer reassurances such as "It will never happen again because I'm now aware that my behavior is abusive," "I know where my abusiveness came from, and I've learned more constructive ways of releasing my anger and stress," or "I'm going to work on stopping my abusiveness by going into therapy."

  Step Six: Learn and Practice Ways to Identify and Constructively Release Your Anger, Pain, and Stress

  One of the main reasons why you have become abusive is that you do not know how to handle your anger, pain, and stress. In order to prevent future abuse you must find constructive ways of releasing pentup anger and pain and coping with stress.

  ANGER

  Anger is at the core of most abusive behavior. Even though you may not be aware of it, you are more than likely still angry at your parents or others who neglected or emotionally, physically, or sexually abused you as a child. Because you haven't acknowledged your anger or learned to deal with it in constructive, appropriate ways, it lies dormant inside you. This repressed or suppressed anger is triggered when your partner or others do something that reminds you of how you were treated as a child. For example, if your partner doesn't ask your opinion about whether she should do something but goes ahead and does it without talking to you, you may believe your feelings are not being considered or that others are controlling your life, just as you felt as a child. You may or may not be consciously aware that this is why you are angry. All you know is that you feel ignored or controlled, and so you lash out at your partner for making you feel this way. You accuse her of not caring about you, of being selfish, or of being controlling. You may punish her by giving her the silent treatment. Or you may insist that in the future she has to ask you before she decides to do something (thereby becoming controlling yourself). Differentiating between healthy and unhealthy anger. Many people think of anger as a negative emotion. But anger in and of itself is neither a positive nor a negative emotion. It is the way we handle our anger-what we do with it-that makes it negative or positive. For example, when we use our anger to motivate us to make changes in our life or to make changes to dysfunctional systems, anger becomes a very positive emotion. But when we express our anger through aggressive or passive-aggressive ways (such as getting even or gossiping), it becomes a negative emotion.

  Another way to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy anger is to determine whether your anger is appropriate to the situation or irrational and excessive. There are distinct disadvantages to excessive, irrational anger. These include:

  •Others usually react negatively to it.

  •It frequently increases frustration rather than releasing it.

  •It causes you to lash out at others, including those you love.

  •It can lead to antisocial acts.

  •It can cause you to become obsessed with people and to become paralyzed with anger.

  •It leads to more anger.

  EXERCISE: Take Charge ofYour Anger

  You are the only one who can manage your anger. Begin by becoming an expert about your personal anger reactions. Answering the following questions will be a good start:

  1.What causes you to feel tense or agitated? Think back to specific situations that caused you to feel agitated or angry in the recent past. Do you see a pattern?

  2.What situations tend to trigger angry reactions?

  3.What are your beliefs and perceptions about how others should or should not treat you?

  4.How do you typically express your anger?

  5.What do you gain or lose from expressing your anger in this way?

  EXERCISE: Discover the Belief under Your Anger

  The next time you become angry at your partner ask yourself the following questions. For example, if it makes you angry when your partner talks on the phone with a friend or family member, ask yourself

  •Why does this make me angry? Am I angry because I feel ignored? Because I want my partner 's undivided attention? Is it upsetting to hear her laugh with her friend because you don't ever hear her laugh that way with you?

  •What am I feeling under the anger? Am I feeling hurt? Afraid? Guilty? Using the above example, perhaps you are feeling hurt because she doesn't laugh like that when she is with you. Maybe this frightens you because it makes you think she isn't really happy with you and she's going to leave you. Or maybe it makes you feel guilty because you know you give her a hard time and you realize she isn't very happy with you. Or perhaps you feel hurt because her talking to someone else for long periods of time makes you feel you are not important to your partner. You don't get to spend much time with her, and you wish she'd tell her friend she would talk to her later.

  •Does it remind me of anything from the past? Maybe you're angry because it reminds you of how your mother used to spend hours talking with her friends on the phone or around the kitchen table instead of paying attention to you. Or maybe it isn't that literal. Maybe it just reminds you of all the times your mother was busy doing something else besides being with you (e.g., going to bars, spending time with your stepfather).

  •What is the belief that caused the anger? Is it the belief that if your partner really loves you, she should prefer to spend time with you? Or do you believe it is rude for your partner to interrupt her time with you to talk on the phone with someone else?

  EXERCISE: Anger Journal

  Start keeping a log or journal in which you record each incident that occurs that causes you to feel tense, agitated, or angry. Whenever possible, try to discover:

  1.The reason for your anger

  2.The feeling underneath the anger

  3.How the current situation connects with your past

  4.The belief that caused the anger

  HEALTHY WAYS OF DEALING WITH YOUR ANGER

  The following models have been used successfully by many people to manage anger constructively. See which model works for you.

  The assertive model.

  •Identify the specific behavior in the other person that upsets you.

  •Decide if the issue or behavior is worth fighting over.

  •Pick a time that is convenient for both you and your partner and express your desire for a discussion.

  •Express your point of view using an assertive model of giving feedback. Example: When: "When you take time away from me by talking on the phone with your friends.." The effects are: "I feel hurt and angry." I would prefer: "I would prefer it if you'd tell her you'll call her back later or if you would limit the call to only a few minutes."

  •Negotiate a resolution to the problem once you feel the other person understands the issue and your feelings. For example, perhaps you and your partner can agree that she will limit her phone calls when you and she are actively involved with one another (e.g., talking, eating, cuddling on the couch) but that she should feel free to talk as long as she wants when you are in separate rooms or are involved in separate activities.

  •
Make up. Let go of your anger and allow yourself to forgive your partner. Forgiveness involves acknowledging that the other person cannot be perfect. While you may never completely approve of your partner or the way she behaves at times, you can accept the reality that she is who she is and that more than likely her actions are not deliberate attempts to hurt you. Ideally, both you and your partner will at least try to change some behaviors to avoid future conflict over the same issue, but you can't expect your partner to change who she is for you.

  •Ask yourself what you learned about yourself and your partner from this process.

  The cognitive model. The cognitive model is based on the work of experts such as Ellis, Burns, and Freeman. It centers on the following concept:

  Unhealthy anger is often triggered by irrational, narcissistic, and unrealistic expectations or beliefs that we have about other people, the world, and ourselves in general. Examples of such beliefs include:

  •I must do well and be approved of-otherwise I'm no damn good.

  •Those that I associate with must treat me considerately, kindly, and respectfully-otherwise they are no damn good.

  •The conditions under which I live (family, employer, etc.) must be exactly the way I want them to be-otherwise it's catastrophic.

  By challenging/changing the irrational beliefs that caused your anger, you may find that you tend to become and stay angry less often.

  TECHNIQUES FOR MANAGING AND PREVENTING ANGER

  The following techniques have also proved highly effective in managing and preventing anger:

  •Give up shoulds and wants that are narcissistic or otherwise dysfunctional.

  •Acknowledge anger but learn constructive ways of releasing it.

  •Practice distracting techniques such as leaving the situation, taking constructive action, counting to ten, saying the word "calm" to yourself.

  •Work on becoming more tolerant of others.

  •Don't take yourself so seriously. Use humor and see the absurdity of the situation.

  •Be your own critical parent: "I'm acting like a narcissistic twoyear-old. I need to grow up."

  •Practice empathy skills: "Walk in the other person's shoes."

  •Practice reframing (thinking of the situation in an entirely different way): "He must be pretty insecure to have done this to me. He's really pathetic."

  •Address depression or other problems that are being masked by anger/rage.

  •Read books on anger management.

  •Use imagery: "Imagine the worst possible scenario, let yourself feel the anger, and then imagine all that you will do is express your point of view without becoming aggressive or otherwise inappropriate."

  •Practice forgiveness, not the acts, but the people.

  •Practice behavioral techniques such as assertiveness training, active listening, use of positive reinforcement when the other person responds appropriately.

  •Look for other pleasures in life when you feel angry or deprived.

  •Practice gratitude.

  THE PAIN UNDER YOUR ANGER

  Underneath your anger, your need to control, your need to blame, your impatience with and intolerance of others' weaknesses is a great deal of pain. It is the pain you experienced as a child when you were neglected, abandoned, abused, victimized, or bullied. In order to stop your abusive behavior, you'll need to uncover this pain.

  The reason those who are weak, afraid, vulnerable, or incompetent bother you so much is they remind you of a denied and rejected part of yourself. When you were a child you felt weak, afraid, and vulnerable, but there may have been no one there to comfort you. Your parents may have been too busy to notice you needed comforting, or you may have reached out for comfort only to be rebuffed with comments like "You're too big to get on Mommy's lap" or "Big boys (or girls) don't cry. Be a man (or woman)." Facing your vulnerable feelings all alone may have felt too frightening, and so you built up a defensive wall to hide behind. To the outside world, you may have appeared to be strong and confident, but this was only a facade to cover up your real feelings of vulnerability. You may have become so good at pretending to be strong and invulnerable that you even fooled yourself. Soon you forgot what your real self was like.

  The only time you are reminded of these softer feelings is when you experience them in someone else. But this reminder is not a welcome one. It doesn't feel good-in fact, it may be quite painful emotionally (although often on an unconscious level). You may become angry with the person who reminds you of these feelings. You hate yourself for feeling them and hate the other person for having them. You see your real self reflected back at you, and you don't like what you see.

  In order to break down the protective wall that you built around yourself, you may need to seek the assistance of a caring professional who will provide a safe environment in which you can revisit your childhood.

  MANAGING YOUR STRESS AND YOUR AROUSAL

  Many people become emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive because their arousal level is high. In order to reduce your arousal level, you need to learn some general relaxation techniques. I've recommended some books on stress reduction at the end of the book, but here are a few suggestions to get you started:

  1.Focus on a word or image that will relax you. For example, say the word "Calm" to yourself over and over. Visualize a scene that is relaxing to you (the ocean, the mountains).

  2.Distract yourself.

  3.Get involved with a creative activity, especially one that involves using your hands.

  4.Learn and practice meditation or yoga.

  5.Practice deep breathing.

  Although all the above ideas and strategies for releasing anger and stress can be quite beneficial, many abusive partners need outside help when learning to deal more constructively with their anger. I strongly recommend either anger management courses or individual or group psychotherapy.

  Step Seven: Identify Your Triggers and False Beliefs

  Although it can be said that some people have "abusive personalities," most people become abusive because one of their triggers or hot buttons was pushed. Triggers are suppressed or repressed fears, insecurities, anger, resentments, or regrets that cause automatic and often intense emotional reactions when activated. These intense reactions can be abusive in themselves, can be experienced as abusive by your partner, or can, in turn, trigger abusive reactions within you. By identifying the specific situations, actions, words, or events that trigger these emotional reactions, you can begin to anticipate and manage them better and avoid some of your abusive behavior.

  COMMON TRIGGERS FOR ABUSIVE PARTNERS

  •Being ignored or rejected. Often those who become abusive are triggered when they feel ignored or rejected. This is most likely due to the fact that they were neglected or abandoned when they were children.

  •Envy. Some are triggered by feelings of envy. Whenever someone close to them has something good happen to them, it makes them feel bad about themselves. This may trigger memories of being a less-favored child or of having a parent who ignored their needs.

  •Shame. Those who were heavily shamed as children or adolescents are often triggered by any treatment or attitude from others that appears to be disapproving, critical, judging, or rejecting.

  HARRISON: IF I FEEL BAD, YOU SHOULD, Too

  Often an abusive partner strikes out at his mate because he is feeling bad about himself. He may do it as a way of fending off shame or guilt at something he's done or almost as a way of saying, "I feel bad about myself, so you have to feel bad, too" This often happens when an abusive partner has a mate who tends to be cheerful, who is well liked, or who is highly accomplished. This was the case with Harrison:

  My partner, Brad, is one of those cheery types of people, and it drives me crazy. I'll come home from a bad day at work, and there he is twittering around the house, singing and being cheerful. It really bothers me. It's bad enough that I've had a rough day, but to go home and be faced with all that cheeriness feels
like he's rubbing it in my face. I always get angry with him and say something horrible to him, and of course this always brings him down-which is exactly what I wanted to do. But then he always looks so devastated and so confused, and I end up feeling bad that I was so cruel. This doesn't seem to stop me the next time, though.

  My suggestion to Harrison was that the next time he had a bad day at work he not go directly home. Instead, I suggested he go for a long walk or go to the gym for a game of racquetball, where he could work off some of his anger and frustration before going home. If that didn't work and he was still in a bad mood, I suggested he call home first and warn Brad that he is in a bad mood. With that forewarning, Brad could choose to leave the house for a while or to stay out of Harrison's way.

  These strategies seemed to work fairly well, but I also suggested to Harrison that he look into himself to discover why he was in a bad mood so often at the end of the day. We talked about what was going on at work, and it turned out that Harrison had a controlling and arrogant boss who set unreachable goals for the company and then blamed his staff when they fell short of his goals. "I don't think he's ever given me credit for anything I've done right, only criticism for the things that go wrong," Harrison explained to me, his face red with anger.

  This sounded eerily familiar to me. If I wasn't mistaken, Harrison had used the exact phrases "He never gives me credit for anything I did right. All he did was criticize me when I did something wrong," when referring to his father. Harrison originally started therapy with me because he wanted to work on his relationship with his father, who had rejected him when he discovered Harrison was gay. This had just been the last in a series of rejections all through Harrison's childhood.

  When I reminded Harrison of how often he'd used these same words in reference to his father, he was stunned. "Oh, my God. I'm working for my father!" he exclaimed, shaking his head back and forth in disbelief. Why didn't I see this before? No wonder I'm always in a bad mood"

  Our session, and the insights he'd achieved because of it, catapulted Harrison to take some action. Within weeks he began looking for another job, and while it took some time to find the right one, just knowing he was leaving made him feel like he had gained some real control over his own life. And although he still had some bad days, because of his new insight, he was able to talk about his feelings with Brad instead of dumping them on him.