The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

by Beverly Engel

  Unfortunately, most people are unaware of the feelings that cause them to become emotionally abusive. Your anger journal can help you identify your triggers and your false beliefs and help you gain insight into your behavior.

  •Keep a log of each incident of emotional abuse. Ask yourself, "What is it about me that caused me to respond in that manner?"

  For example, you may find that one of the things that triggers your anger is when things seem unfair or when you feel you have been treated unfairly. Instead of constantly becoming upset over this, it might be far better to work on accepting the fact that there is inequity in the world and concentrate on developing coping skills when you are treated unfairly.

  SUGGESTIONS AND STRATEGIES FOR SPECIFIC TYPES OF ABUSE

  Control/domination. The best advice I can give those of you who need to control or dominate your partner is this: You feel you need to control your partner because you feel out of control yourself. The more control you have of yourself, the less control you will need to have of your partner (and others)-therefore, work on gaining real control of your life.

  Negativity/criticism. If you have a tendency to be negative and to only notice your partner's mistakes, oversights, and inadequacies, try this exercise at the end of each day.

  EXERCISE: An Attitude of Gratitude

  1. Before you go to sleep at night, think about the good things that happened that day. If you start to focus only on the things that went wrong, bring your mind back to the things that went right. As one of my clients shared with me, "This really helped me to get some perspective. My tendency is to only remember the things that went wrong, the things that didn't go the way I wanted them to go. But when I stopped myself and said, `Wait, there has to be some good,' it reminded me of how often things work out and go smoothly."

  2. Think of at least three things that your partner did that were either caring, considerate, or thoughtful toward you or someone you care about (such as your parents or your children).

  3. Now think of at least three reasons to be grateful for your partner. For example, "I'm grateful because she is still with me," "I'm grateful he's stopped drinking," "I'm grateful that she's so patient."

  Unreasonable expectations. This type of abuse is caused by focusing more attention outside yourself than you do on yourself. Start paying more attention to what you are doing or not doing to make the relationship work. Start focusing more on changing those things about yourself that keep you from meeting your expectations of yourself.

  Possessiveness. We cannot own or possess another person. The more you attempt to hold your partner close to you, the more he or she will pull away-it's a law of nature. We humans, like all creatures, need to have our freedom. We need to be able to have free choice about whether we want to be close to someone, not to be forced to be close when we don't feel like it. When our partner tries to force us to be close when we don't feel like it, we not only pull away and begin to feel like a caged animal, but we begin to resent our partner. The following are some examples of possessive behavior:

  •Frequently asking your partner if he loves you

  •Frequently telling your partner you love her with the expectation that she will tell you the same

  •Frequently telling your partner that you know he doesn't love you or doesn't love you as much as you love him (unless you play a game with this and it is mutual, e.g., saying, "I love you more than you love me," in a playful way)

  •Insisting on a hug or kiss when your partner doesn't feel like it or when she is busy with something or someone else

  •Insisting on having sex when your partner doesn't feel like it

  •Assuming that your partner doesn't love you if he won't have sex with you

  •Trying to make your partner feel guilty if he or she doesn't want to have sex as often as you do

  •Wanting to know where your partner is and what she is doing at all times

  •Constantly accusing your partner of being unfaithful

  •Checking up on your partner to make sure he isn't cheating on you

  •Hanging all over your partner at a party or gathering so that everyone knows she's with you

  EXERCISE: Stop Pulling at Your Partner

  To prove the validity of the idea that the more you pull at your partner, the more she or he will pull away, try these strategies for a week.

  1. The next time you feel compelled to pull at your partner-either by asking if he loves you, by pressuring him for sex, or by calling him to make sure he's at home-restrain yourself. Remind yourself of the way he has negatively reacted to this pressure in the past. If you need reassurance that he loves you, think about one of the ways that he has shown he loves you recently.

  2. If you are normally the one who initiates sex and you are unhappy because your partner doesn't like to have sex as often as you do, make a commitment to yourself that you will not initiate sex for a month. I know this is a long time, but it is necessary in order to relieve your partner of the feeling that she is constantly being pressured for sex. A month's time will also give your partner a chance to miss having sex with you and free her up to be able to be the one who initiates it.

  If you have been emotionally abusing your partner by holding on too tight or by trying to possess her or him, you will need to work on two major issues: your self-esteem and your trust. We'll discuss how you can improve your self-esteem in chapter 12, "Continuing to Recover." As for trust, the best advice I can give you is that trust has more to do with you than with your partner. If you trust yourself to take care of yourself under any and all circumstances, you don't need to worry about whether you can trust your partner or not.

  RECOMMENDED FILMS

  This Boy's Life

  Radio Flyer

  Mommie Dearest (an example of emotional and physical abuse by a controlling mother)

  Control is the ultimate villain in destroying intimacy. We cannot share freely unless we are equal.

  JOHN BRADSHAW

  Respect... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.

  ANNIE GOTTLIEB

  Experiencing emotional abuse or neglect in childhood severely limits a person's ability to maintain healthy relationships in adulthood. One emotionally abusive relationship, especially if it is with a parent or other caretaker, a sibling, an authority figure such as a teacher, an employer, or an intimate partner can affect all future relationships. Those with a history of emotional abuse experience severe handicaps in relationships, including a fear of intimacy or commitment, a fear of abandonment, a tendency to blame others or be extremely critical, and either a tendency to be clingy and possessive or aloof and selfabsorbed. They also tend to view their partner more as an enemy than an ally and to focus far more on what their partner does wrong in the relationship than what she does right.

  Those who have been emotionally abused in childhood are drawn to each other like moths to a flame. Each is bent on reinventing childhood relationships, either out of a desire to resolve them or simply because they are drawn to what is familiar. With both parties lacking in the ability to maintain a healthy relationship, these couplings are destined to be problematic. Most often we find that one partner takes on the role of the abuser while the other takes on the role of the victim, but even when no one plays the role of the abuser, dysfunctional responses by one or both partners can make the relationship extremely difficult.

  In addition to working on your individual problems and your part in the abuse, you and your partner must work together to stop the abuse that has been destroying your relationship. This chapter provides you the structure and the opportunity to do just that. By working together on the common goal of stopping the emotional abuse in your relationship, you will strengthen your bond with one another and increase the likelihood that you will be successful. Even though you will each need to continue your individual work, your work as a couple is just as important if you plan on staying together.

  This chap
ter is specifically written for you couples who emotionally abuse each other-either because you constantly push each other's buttons, because one partner has begun retaliating against the abuse of the other, or because you have both been emotionally abusing each other since the beginning of the relationship. It can also apply to situations in which one abuses and the other doesn't, but if this is the case, make certain that you both remain clear that the abusive partner is solely responsible for his or her abusive behavior.

  In order to get the maximum benefit from this chapter, I encourage you and your partner to read it together and to do the suggested exercises together. This will serve as the closest thing possible to couples counseling, with the added bonus that you will be working on the abusive aspects of your relationship specifically.

  As I did in the two previous chapters, in this chapter I present a step-by-step program for you and your partner to follow.

  Not every couple will be ready to begin the program at the time of the first reading. You and your partner may choose to return to this chapter after finishing the entire book or after you have each completed more of your individual work. Just knowing this chapter is available when you are ready may be a comfort to each of you.

  Stop Blaming Each Other

  Before you begin this chapter and the work it will require, you must agree to stop blaming each other. If you can agree that you each play a role in the emotional abuse and/or that you have each emotionally abused one another, then there is no need to continue rehashing who did what to whom. Blame is different from responsibility. When we continually blame someone, we stay stuck in the problem instead of focusing on the solution. It is also important to realize that blaming someone is different from requiring the other person to take responsibility for his actions. There will be an opportunity later on in the chapter for each of you to take responsibility for your actions and to apologize for the hurt you caused each other. For now, instead of maintaining an adversarial position, you must begin to view each other as allies in a cause-that cause being the salvaging of your relationship.

  The same holds true of those situations in which only one of you emotionally abused the other. The partner who was abused must be willing at this point to stop blaming her partner for abusing her. This does not mean that you must forgive your partner at this time, nor that you need to forget what he has done. It just means you agree to stop bringing up the abuse-that you stop throwing it in his face, so to speak-and that you agree to move on in the relationship. This doesn't mean, however, that you stop bringing abusive behavior to your partner's attention.

  Partners who share the fact that they have each had an emotionally abusive past can be tremendously instrumental in healing each other. Through a series of exercises, I will teach both of you how to have empathy toward each other and specific ways you can support and encourage each other's healing. Once you have gained the kind of understanding that empathy can bring, both of you will be more able to lower your defenses and begin to rebuild trust in each other.

  Defending ourselves is ultimately what emotional abuse is all about. The person who is being emotionally abusive is actually defending himself or herself from one of the following:

  •Vulnerability

  •Shame/embarrassment

  •Admitting he was wrong

  •Appearing weak

  •Fear

  •Guilt

  Once you are able to lower your defenses with each other and to show how you really feel, you will be able to stop viewing your mate as the enemy and start seeing each other as a true partner. Then, instead of mindlessly repeating the same old patterns over and over, you can begin to interrupt your usual patterns and discover new, healthier ways of dealing with each other.

  QUESTIONNAIRE: Assessing Your Relationship

  Before you begin the program, I suggest you assess the expectations each of you has and determine whether or not you each believe you can save your relationship. To aid in this process, I have provided a quiz that I suggest you each take, either in separate rooms or at separate times. Once you've each completed the quiz, you can compare notes.

  1. Do you hold out much hope that your relationship can improve?

  2. Do you hold out much hope that there can be an end to the emotional abuse in the relationship?

  3. Do you have hope that your partner can change her behavior?

  4. Do you have hope that you can change yours?

  5. Do you believe your partner is willing to do what is necessary to heal his past?

  6. Are you willing to do what is necessary to heal your past?

  7. Do you have hope that you and your partner can change the dynamics in the relationship that caused the abuse?

  8. Do you believe your partner is committed to changing the dynamics in the relationship?

  9. Are you willing to commit to changing the dynamics?

  10. Are you willing to stop blaming your partner for all the problems in the relationship?

  11. Do you believe your partner is willing to stop blaming you for all the problems?

  If you or your partner answered seven or more of these questions with yes, the prognosis for your relationship becoming far more healthy is very good. Seven or more yes answers indicates that you have a lot of faith in both yourself and your partner to turn your relationship around, and this faith can influence the outcome. This does not mean that just by believing you can change the relationship, you will make it happen; it will take a great deal of work on both of your parts. But it does indicate a positive outlook and a belief that both you and your partner are willing to do the work required, and this is very positive, indeed.

  If you or your partner answered the majority of questions with no, it indicates that you do not have much hope that your relationship can really change or that you don't have much faith in either your own or your partner's willingness to do the work required to change. If this is the case, I urge you to sit down with your partner and discuss your feelings and your reservations. If either or both of you have already given up hope that you can stop the abuse, then there is little reason to go on trying to save the relationship. You might be better off being very honest with each other and ending the relationship right now.

  The Program

  Step One: Share Your Histories

  The first thing you will need to do is to learn more about one another's histories and to examine your relationship closely to see how your histories dovetail-or merge. You learned how important your childhood history is and how your individual histories set you up for an abusive relationship in chapter 4. Since it is highly likely that both of you were either neglected, abandoned, or emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children, knowing each other's history will help you recognize the origins of your behaviors and attitudes. This does not mean that understanding why your partner has been abusive should excuse his behavior. But knowing the origins of the other's abusive behavior will help you to bond with one another in a more significant way and develop more empathy for each other.

  EXERCISE: Develop Empathy for Each Other

  This exercise will help you to develop more empathy for one another and to better understand and respect each other's triggers. If you haven't already done so, sit down together and share your childhood histories. Even if you shared your stories when you first got together, it is important to do so again since you are hopefully far more aware of your history and how it has affected you after reading this book. Here are some suggestions for how to go about it:

  1. Set aside sufficient time to share your entire story with your partner. Your story does not need to be a chronological retelling of your entire childhood but should include all the following:

  •Any experiences of neglect

  •Any experiences of abandonment

  •Any experiences of abuse-emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

  •Any other experiences that you feel set you up to be in an emotionally abusive relationship (e.g., the fact that one parent emotio
nally abused the other, etc.)

  2. It is usually best for one person at a time to tell his or her story (unless you want to set aside an entire weekend for the sole purpose of sharing your stories). It is simply too time-consuming and too emotionally draining for both of you to try to tell your stories in one night, for example. Also, when only one person shares at a particular time, it makes it easier for the other partner to devote his or her full attention to listening and being there for his or her partner.

  3. If you're the partner who is not sharing, your job is to listen as closely as you can to what your partner is saying. If you'd like to, and it doesn't seem too distracting, you can take a few notes. Try to listen with what is called "an open heart," meaning that you suspend all judgment about your partner and that you listen as empathetically as possible. Try to put yourself in your partner's place, imaging what she was feeling at the time.

  4. As your partner shares his or her story, listen without interrupting or breaking in to say that the same thing happened to you or how awful it is that this happened. Just listen. If your partner breaks down and cries, hold him. And it certainly is appropriate when there is a break in the conversation for you to say something about how bad you feel that this happened to your partner. Just don't interrupt his flow of speaking and thinking to do so.

  5. If either one of you is uncomfortable sharing his or her story verbally, you can write down your stories and let your partner read what you've written.

  6. After you've each had a chance to share your stories, sit down together and discuss your reactions to the sharing. Again, set aside enough time for this so that you don't feel distracted or rushed. Include in your discussion all the following:

  •Your emotional reaction to each other's stories-including how it made you feel to realize that this happened to your partner