In The End (Butterfly #1)

by Isabella Redwood

  ‘It’s the time of year I…’ Nicholi leaned in, searching for my mouth, mine equally willing to join his, my mind grateful for the distraction, the pain ebbing slowly away replaced with desire for more. Nicholi pulled away first.

  ‘We are going to have a wonderful day and a perfect date, I promise you,’ he replied, kissing the tip of my nose, heading to the bathroom to shower. I lay back in the bed and instinctively reached for the bracelet on my ankle, its silver reflecting back my anguish as the door opened and the onslaught of children brought me back from my sorrow.

  ‘Sophia, it has snowed,’ Jacob announced, beaming with happiness.

  ‘Wow, it really has,’ I smiled, pulling back the curtains to investigate. There was at least five inches, and the lake had frozen in places. The sun was desperately trying to penetrate the thick pink clouds, like fluffy marshmallows sticking together refusing entry, and yielding only to allow further snow to fall. Another layer would be forming quickly and I shivered, the icy draft flowing freely through the open window as both Jacob and I marvelled at the picturesque view.

  ‘Nic, do you think your mom will make it in this weather? The roads will be treacherous,’ I began, Nicholi interrupted.

  ‘She messaged earlier to say she would meet us halfway, her car is not equipped for these conditions. We will leave after breakfast, I need to be back at the house tomorrow to sign some papers and it’s a little too cold to pitch any tents,’ he explained as Max joined us, his eyes brightening at the falling snowflakes, trying desperately to catch one before it slithered away from his grasp.

  I took the boys downstairs for breakfast; blueberry oatmeal was on the menu with fruit and toast. My coffee infusion had just started to have its effects, sending the necessary jolt through my circulation, permeating my fog-filled brain.

  Cross and Nicholi joined us for breakfast, admiring the purple goo apprehensively and taking a bite, agreed with the boys, how delicious it actually was, surprisingly.

  After clearing away the kitchen and setting the boys up with some art supplies I proceeded back upstairs to shower and pack for our journey home. I felt my body sag with the weight of what I was and had been concealing for so long. The foundations were unable to bear the strain much longer before they gave way, and the flood consumed everything I had ever wanted until there was nothing left again.

  This was not an unknown event, and I had barely managed to survive the first time. Never would I have imagined that I could have found anything close to the love I had felt, devouring me whole, willingly. Yet here I was with everything to lose, but knowing that unless I shared my soul, then not only was I doing an injustice to their memory, but also to Nicholi who was coming to me completely openhearted without restriction. I owed it to him as much as I did his brother, the pain he must have suffered at my hands, I had to make this right somehow.

  The floorboards groaned behind me, announcing the visitor before they had the opportunity to do so themselves, and I opened the bedroom door ready to receive them. Nicholi’s whole being brightened in front of my eyes as the light from the window illuminated him from behind. Without words, I threw myself into his arms, wanting desperately to remember exactly how this felt for as long as I could before his eyes would grow cold and hollow. A void that I would never be able to fill again in the same way or even at all.

  ‘That was quite a welcome,’ he exclaimed, his voice husky, his body revealing just how much he was enjoying the proximity of mine against his.

  ‘I missed you and I wanted to show you just how much,’ I announced, leaning in to meet his lips with mine, brushing over them gently as he hungrily pulled me in, leaving us both breathless and desiring more.

  ‘Cross is whining about being the human canvas for the boys’ drawing so sadly we must start packing the car.’ Nicholi paused, hauling me into his arms and launching us both on to the bed. ‘Hell, he needs a bit of colour,’ he confirmed as we wrapped ourselves around each other, our clothes a meagre barrier, just preventing us from fulfilling each other in the way only we could together, when the inevitable wails from Cross to get moving brought us crashing back to reality.

  With the car all packed, everyone buckled up and ready to go, I took one last look at the lake house as we pulled away. I could picture us back here in the future, our children swimming in the lake as I lazily dozed in Nicholi’s arms, the scent of marshmallows toasting on the open fire and screams of giggles filling the air. It pained me to leave this place, but I knew it was not real, would not be with half-truths and hidden secrets, too big for any one soul to hold and so it shall be, the beginning of the end just as it should be.

  It took us several hours to reach the half-way point, the snow refusing to give and allow for a speedier journey, the ice attacking at every turn, threatening to send us off the road several times.

  Both children were oblivious, having fallen asleep after eating the packed lunch I had prepared for them, little smiles creasing their faces from time to time, as they no doubt dreamt of future adventures and stories to tell.

  I would glance at Nicholi as often as I could, memorising every aspect of his being, before I would be all but a memory to him. Catching Cross’s reflection in the interior mirror, I hoped somehow he would find peace with the information I would share with him, though knowing that nothing could ever fill that void. There would never be another Lexi for him or for me.

  Max’s stirring in his seat and the obvious pungent aroma brought us all back to reality quickly with Nicholi pulling into the service station so I could change his diaper and grab a few snacks to feed the hungry brood. Jacob, also awakening at the sudden cease of movement, announced he needed to use the bathroom.

  I efficiently changed Max and used the facilities myself, washing my hands under the facet, absentmindedly swirling the cheap gas station soap around in my hands. Its thick gooey consistency sticking to every line and in every crevice, waiting for Jacob to finish and join me. I never heard the door open.

  ‘Sophia, you won’t ever leave me will you?’ An anguished, emotionally charged voice echoed in the once quiet bathroom. Max quietly pulling the toilet paper off the roll and papering the floor grabbed my attention while I desperately tried to think of a response.

  ‘I love you, Jacob, and I always will; nothing can ever change that even if we are on the other side of the world, okay?’ I tried to evade the question while expressing exactly how I felt for him. It would never be my intention to leave, but I could not control the other forces in the equation, no matter how much it pained me to think of not seeing him every day, any of them.

  ‘My daddy said he will never let you leave us, he said you are ours forever.’ Jacob swung his arms around me, as tightly as any six-year-old could and I reciprocated, drawing him into my arms as I carried him and Max back to the car. The next stop would be meeting Nicholi’s mother, and I felt nervous anticipation building in my stomach for this encounter.

  I needn’t have worried, as Nicholi had expressed many times, his mother was just as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside and made me immediately feel part of the family.

  ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sophia, I have heard so much about you,’ Mia gushed, holding me in her embrace just that bit longer, knowing somehow I needed the extra time.

  ‘You too,’ I replied, pulling back to survey the woman who had birthed my saviour. She was exactly how Nicholi had described her; long ebony hair cascaded down her back in loose curls, her eyes a lighter shade of blue, bordering on topaz, reflected back into mine her open heart and generous soul.

  We were to have drinks with them and feed the children before heading out for our date, the destination unknown and it felt like we had known each other for years, chatting casually about our hobbies and interests. She was an artist, very gifted and had recently exhibited her work at a top gallery in New York. We had arranged a date to have lunch together and with a heavy heart; I left them there. Not knowing how I would get through the next few hours
or even if I deserved to. The happiness I was consumed with now, far more than I ever deserved, my once festering soul brimming with it and seeping out, providing a permanent glow.

  ‘You look so beautiful in this light,’ Nicholi gushed, opening the door of the car for us to commence our date night. The moon illuminated the road ahead, unaware of the significance it played, dancing with the snowflakes that were starting to fall once more and willing the clouds forwards to follow.

  ‘So where are we going?’ I asked, curiosity building inside, relishing every last second I would spend with him.

  ‘Let’s just say I hope they iced the runway,’ Nicholi mused, pulling into the local airfield, my mouth gaping at the sight of the private jet awaiting us.

  ‘We are going in that?’ I marvelled, pointing at the aircraft as it reversed out of the hanger into position.

  ‘Yes, I thought flying through the snow might be a bit quicker than across it. I want to spend at least some of our night with me not behind the wheel, holding you in my arms instead.’ He leaned in to kiss the tip of my nose, a shiny red beacon for all to see, pulled the hood of my jacket up over my head, and led me across the tarmac to board our flight.

  Nicholi was right, travelling by air took far less time than the road and we arrived at our destination a mere forty-five minutes later, mixed feelings consuming me as I surveyed the land. The lyrics, Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, with Alicia Keys’ voice flooded my head. This place had made my dreams come true in one second then destroyed them the next and it felt poignant that this would be where they crashed down again.

  ‘Date night has officially begun,’ Nicholi confirmed, taking my hand in his and leading us off the plane into the black limousine waiting for us.

  ‘Thank you,’ I began, the tears started to form in my eyes, thwarting me from continuing until I could compose myself. ‘You gave me everything I ever wanted and never asked for anything in return. I just want you to know how much I love you and always will.’ I could not continue and Nicholi pulled me into his arms, as we watched the New York skyline hovering above, its vastness overshadowing everything below, reflected back into the Manhattan River.

  ‘Shall we?’ Nicholi gestured, pulling me out of the car and into Central Park. ‘This is part one of date night,’ he confirmed. I smiled as the ice sparkled back up at me and fastened the skates onto my feet, securing the knot as my mother had always taught me.

  ‘You skate really well,’ I observed, as Nicholi completed crossovers with ease, holding out his hand for me to join him.

  ‘Coming from you that is certainly a compliment,’ he smiled, turning me around to complete our circle. I loved ice-skating and had taken lessons from the age of three, nearly turning professional at one point before another of my passions enticed me in its direction.

  ‘My mother loves you,’ Nicholi gushed, as we pulled to a stop at the nearby barrier.

  ‘She is a beautiful woman, your father lost everything.’ I paused, sensing that this would not be pleasant for Nicholi, quickly changing the subject.

  ‘Where to next, sir?’ I tipped my invisible hat, leaning in to hold Nicholi, wanting to cherish every moment of this night with him.

  ‘Back to the apartment to change and then part two shall commence,’ he confirmed, and I interrupted.

  ‘To change? I didn’t bring anything with me?’ I was puzzled by the mention of clothing I knew I did not have when Nicholi interjected.

  ‘My mother partook in a little retail therapy today. She has great taste so I’m sure you won’t be disappointed,’ he explained, reaching to kiss my now frozen hand. ‘We need to get you some gloves,’ he mused, pulling my hand into his pocket as we walked back to the car.

  ‘No, I’m fine, this is so much better,’ I confirmed, tightening my grip on his hand, entwining my fingers within his and never wanting to be parted.

  We arrived at Nicholi’s apartment around fifteen minutes later and after greeting the doorman, we entered the building taking the elevator to the fiftieth floor. Remembering our first elevator ride made me feel giddy with desire and reciprocating my feeling exactly, Nicholi pulled me into his arms, our bodies entwined when the peal of the bell once again abruptly ended that blissful moment.

  Opening the door and placing his keys on the sideboard, I got my first glimpse at the apartment. From the window, I could see Times Square with its usual hustle and bustle of people, clearly not put off by the freakishly cold weather. The chill off the river penetrated your bones like no other, turning water to ice without a second glance. The rest of the apartment was modern with the emphasis on convenience, as any city dweller would desire.

  Nicholi led me into the master bedroom and awaiting me, resting on the bed, was a box.

  ‘I hope you like it,’ Nicholi whispered as I pulled the scarlet ribbon away and lifted the lid. The gown was stunning, a silk, fitted V-shaped bodice with intricate crystals sparkling amongst the red fabric, the skirt fitted to the calf with a small train at the back.

  ‘Wow, this is amazing, I love it.’ I marvelled at his mother’s choice, pulling the dress against me, surveying myself in the vanity mirror.

  ‘I won’t be able to take my eyes off you, not that I would ever want to,’ Nicholi’s voice was husky and seductive as he leant in to kiss my neck, leaving me to get dressed. I showered quickly, not wanting to keep him waiting too long, rubbing the scented coconut moisturiser over my body and slipped into the underwear his mother had also purchased. Thank goodness she had as my under garments would not remotely have done this dress justice.

  I applied some basic make up that I had brought with me and finished the look with some red lip gloss before going in search of Nicholi. I found him admiring the view and gasped at his transformation into a dinner suit, looking dreamier than ever. He turned around to face me, his eyes brimming with love and I felt my heart flutter then recede, knowing how much pain I would inflict on us all later, but for now this was our moment and I would cherish this forever.

  ‘You look breath-taking.’ Nicholi pulled me into his arms. ‘I am the luckiest man alive,’ he proclaimed, tracing every last curve that the dress most definitely emphasised and sending my blood pressure soaring.

  ‘We had better leave.’ I untangled myself reluctantly from him and led him to the door; seemingly, he had other ideas as well.

  ‘If we must, but later…’ he paused, and I smiled seductively.

  ‘Later.’ My body pulsing with desire in anticipation.

  I hadn’t thought to ask where we were going, assuming it was a fancy Manhattan restaurant where I wouldn’t have a clue what was on the menu and would graciously ask Nicholi to order for me, when the car pulled to a halt and my heart stopped.

  ‘My favourite performance of Swan Lake is in town,’ he confirmed, opening the car door and taking my hand in his. ‘Is this okay?’ he questioned, my heart still refusing to resume service, my body only moving with the pressure of his pulling.

  ‘I, I… I’m sorry,’ was all I could muster. There was supposed to be more time, I was not ready, yet once again life had twisted the knife and determined its own agenda and this was playing out right now.

  ‘Sophia, wait.’ Nicholi’s voice was a mere whisper as I ran as fast as I could in any direction as long as it was far away from there. I had no clue where I was, just running until my legs could not take it anymore. My extensive training as a ballet dancer had assured me immense physical fitness, but the lack of any movement for the past five years had taken its toll on my body; refusing to cooperate in my escape any further it ceased, and I stopped, gasping for air, my lungs frost-bitten, my heart dead.

  ‘Sophia, please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…’ Nicholi was rambling incoherently, out of breath also and I turned, it was now, the end was now.

  ‘You don’t understand,’ I yelled. ‘That’s why I wasn’t there to protect them, they are all dead.’ I was screaming inside and out, everything I had held in for so long was leachin
g out without restraint. ‘I killed my family.’ With that revelation, my knees buckled, and I collapsed to the floor, wailing as I had done that night five years ago tomorrow.

  Truth Dares Lies

  I sat in a heap on the ground, my throat red raw from crying, my head throbbing in unison. Unable to conceal and support the weight of what I had kept hidden for so long, my body shutting down, there was nothing left to give. I felt Nicholi’s arms around me, lifting me into his body and just succumbed to him without restraint, resting my head on his chest as he carried me back to the apartment. Once inside he laid me on the bed and returned with hot lemon tea, both of us slowly drying from the rainstorm we had been caught in. I did not say anything for the longest time, couldn’t, the words would not form, it was Nicholi who broke the silence.

  ‘Sophia, please talk to me, say something, anything, I just need to hear your voice, please.’ His voice broke, and I lifted my eyes to meet his, the tears mingling on his face with the water dripping down from his hair. I got up from the bed, reached for a towel off the bathroom rail, and handed it to him before standing at the door, ready to exit, after I would deliver the last blow.

  ‘On October the 8th 2009 I lost everyone and everything I had ever loved and cared about. My world ended that day, as did I, and I never thought I would ever feel or deserve to feel anything ever again, that was until I met you. I need you to come with me now; I want you to meet my family.’

  No amount of money I had spent on therapy had ever truly helped me as Nicholi had. I felt alive with him for the first time in five years. My heart was beating again; the blood was circulating through my twisted veins, carrying life throughout my body. Telling him meant ending that, how could he ever want me again after what I had to say, yet there was no other way and my body was fighting me, not wanting to endure another day of the so-called life we had for the last five years.