In The End (Butterfly #1)

by Isabella Redwood

  That was how it should be though, I deserved nothing more, I was meant to die that day and instead in a twisted change of fate, they did. This was my punishment, I just prayed he would recover; I could not bear inflicting any more pain on him than I was about to.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Nicholi asked, his expression unreadable, eyes glassy, looking at me in trepidation.

  ‘It’s not far, but we need to leave now.’ I knew that it had to be now, I couldn’t control this anymore, we were too close, things were going to change tonight, and they couldn’t with the weight of what I was carrying crushing me with every opportunity.

  We arrived at our destination and I could see Cross sitting in his car as I pulled up behind him. He had mentioned at dinner with Mia that he was travelling to the city for work. Nicholi shot a glance my way after seeing Cross parked, but did not question me further.

  ‘Sophia, please do tell me why I am here in the middle of the night. Wow, where have you two been?’ Cross exclaimed, eyeing my dress and Nicholi’s dinner suit with curiosity. ‘Why the cryptic text messages, what’s going on?’ he pushed, getting more impatient by the second.

  ‘Come, I need to show you both something, then I will explain everything.’ Pushing open the car door, I led the two men down the narrow path that I had taken so many times before; I could anticipate every crack and crevice even under the dark moonlit night. I looked up just as a cloud obscured the moon, pushing us into complete blackness for a second and I recoiled, knowing the pain I was about to inflict on us all, squeezing the air out of my lungs, but resistance was futile, there was no other choice.

  We turned the corner and fumbling in my handbag for the key, I heard murmurs from behind me. I turned to face them as I slipped the key into the lock and opened the side gate forwards. Cross froze, realising where we were, but Nicholi was blank, it was as though I had left him behind back at the ballet, and I ushered them both forwards to reach our destination.

  ‘My birth name was Caitlan Thomas and I would like you both to meet my family. This is my mother, Sabine Thomas, my brother Seth, my sister and baby JC.’ I stumbled, feeling like I was being choked. I reached to my neck, pushing away invisible shackles. ‘They were all murdered, shot dead today at five o’clock, five years ago.’ I slowly turned around to read the faces of the two men I had brought here, never having showed anyone the grave of my family since the day I buried the three coffins and scattered my mother’s ashes.

  ‘Sophia, oh my god I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.’ Cross’s voice was raw with emotion and I hated that I would be breaking his heart with the information I was about to part with, but knew there was no other way. I reached down, removed the bracelet off my ankle, and turned to face him, taking his hand in mine.

  ‘Cross, I never thought I would find you, to be able to explain.’ I could not see him for the tears blinding my eyes, so I closed them, just needing to get the words out before I couldn’t any longer. ‘You gave this to Lexi; I know she would have wanted you to have it.’ I placed the bracelet in his hands and waited for his thought process to reach the point where he would realise, knowing how much the realisation would feel when it hit him I reached and wrapped my arms around him. ‘I’m so sorry, Cross.’ That was all I managed to say when he pulled away, shock, fear, rage and realisation flickering in his eyes initially then blazing, like a fire after a backdraft event.

  ‘No, it cannot be, please, Sophia, it is not true, I cannot, and it is not…’ Cross couldn’t form the words and I had to fill them in, I owed him that.

  ‘She was to meet you that evening for the first time, after talking online with you for the past two years, she couldn’t contain her excitement. They were all waiting for me at the restaurant while I was auditioning for the ballet company. I could not get a cab, the weather was atrocious, more snow than I had ever seen. I was late and I could not reach them on the phone, no one was answering.

  ‘The road had been closed off and there were police everywhere, I thought someone political was in the area or something and snuck through the barrier. The restaurant lights were out in the distance and I ran as fast as I could, realising it was closed off. I thought maybe there had been an argument or something with one of the customers when my feet crunched on the broken glass. The windows were no longer there. I ran for the door and was grabbed by a police officer, he would not let me go in, I was screaming, where were my family, what was happening?’ I stopped, I was reliving the night as I had every night in my dreams since then, only this time it was not just me hurting. Nicholi was ashen, I could see he was barely breathing and began to walk to him, but I froze. I needed to finish.

  ‘The police officer told me that a fight had broken out in the restaurant and people had started shooting, my family were caught in the crossfire and they had all been killed.’ I collapsed onto the floor; my heart stopping like it had that very night. Cross and Nicholi were at my side, but it was Cross who had pulled me into his arms and was holding me while we both cried for all those that we had loved and for all that could have been. Movement from behind startled me and brought me back to the present.

  ‘Caitlan, you cannot be in here at this time of night, my boss is going to be pissed I gave you a key, please, you have to leave.’ Marcel, a humble kind-hearted man had cut me a key so I could visit whenever I wanted. He was the grave digger at the service and I would never forget how he shed tears for strangers he did not know as he placed the coffins in the ground, taking the small coffin from my hands as he lowered it down to join the rest of my family.

  ‘I am sorry, Marcel, we will leave now. Thank you for your kindness,’ I gushed, pulling myself up to stand, my legs barely able to hold me as the three of us walked slowly back to the car in silence.

  Nicholi drove us to the apartment; Cross abandoned his car at the cemetery and was turning round and round the initial on the bracelet I had given him, the letter L, his love, Lexi.

  ‘Do you have a picture? We never shared them, wanting to wait to see each other for the first time in person,’ Cross almost whispered, not lifting his gaze from the bracelet in his hand. I pulled my wallet out and unzipped the secret compartment that housed all my family pictures.

  ‘Here, I have more at my grandmother’s house, along with the letters and emails you exchanged. She kept them all.’ I presented him with a picture of my sister and me. Cross’s startled look made me pause and then the realisation swept in.

  ‘You were twins?’ he questioned, looking me in the eyes, the pain radiating out from his every fibre.

  ‘Yes, identical.’ I could not say anything more and just stared out of the window the rest of the way back to the apartment. The New York skyline to the left was hovering under an ominous haze, sweeping across it as though it knew what was in store for me and was readily preparing.

  Nicholi still had not spoken a word, and I barely heard him exit the car to open my door for me, reaching out his hand, visibly shaking. I took his hand in mine and our fingers entwined as they had done the first time, my body reacting with his touch, the longing setting in and I broke free, I should not be feeling this way, I did not deserve it. Looking back at the crumpled mess of Cross was evidence enough. After opening the door for us all, Nicholi had gone to the mini bar and poured three shots of bourbon, downing his within seconds and handing the remaining two off without words. I tried to catch a glimpse of his eyes, there was nothing there, just blank hollow stares escaped them. It was the least I deserved, and I swished the gold liquid around the glass aimlessly before putting it to my mouth and swallowed it whole.

  I despised the taste of it generally, but somehow its harshness resonated with the rawness of my throat, creating a harmony, as it numbed everything into submission. Cross, not satisfied with his quota, grabbed a bottle and began chugging it back unrestricted by portion size.

  I had seated myself on the nearest chair and just flopped back, my body weightless and empty, not noticing Nicholi perching in front of me unt
il the sound of his voice beckoned me back from oblivion.

  ‘Sophia, there is something I have to tell you, about that night.’ Nicholi paused and my eyes shot up to his face, trying to desperately read his expression, seeing nothing but torture etched across his face.

  ‘I don’t understand. You knew what happened. Why didn’t you say anything?’ The stark realisation that indeed he had existing knowledge concerning my family terrified me and I did not know why. I waited with bated breath for him to fill the blanks.

  ‘I knew you weren’t ready, I had to wait until you could open yourself to me.’ The expression on my face made Nicholi pause, I was seething, it sounded like something one of the many psychologists I had seen would have said to me, not my lover.

  ‘I need to say this and then there is nothing between us that can whittle its way in, destroying us in its silence. Sophia, that night I was there.’ I gasped, shaking my head, this could not be happening, I was the one with the hidden secrets, not Nicholi, he had been open with me from the start, or so I thought.

  ‘You were there? I don’t understand.’ I was starting to get angry, he was not explaining quickly enough, and the alcohol had gone to my head, agitating the patience that was now threadbare

  ‘My grandfather, the man you met at the hospital, was still in charge of the family at that point. Remember the story I told you with the war of the families? That night was about taking over new territory and my grandfather obtaining it by any means necessary.’ Tears were forming in Nicholi’s once empty eyes, I resisted the strong urge to reach and caress his face, moving my hands to shield them away, knowing after he had finished we may never be the same again.

  ‘The owner of the restaurant was refusing to sign up with my grandfather’s, protection team and he had to be taught a lesson. A team went there that night, my grandfather called them, the cleansers, they would destroy, pillage and kill anything or anyone that got in their way, but this night was different. I had heard rumours of the plan and headed out after them, knowing that the restaurant could be open with innocent people at risk.

  ‘The weather was horrendous and I could not get a cab so ran as fast as I could, sneaking into the backdoor of the kitchen before it happened.’ Nicholi stopped to take a swig of the bourbon Cross had cast aside after having his fill, both of us screaming inside for Nicholi to finish, yet neither one of us wanting to hear the words.

  ‘One of the bastards had dragged your sister into the far corner of the room, I couldn’t see her face and your brother was trying to shield her. They were too far away for me to reach. Your mother saw me in hiding and gestured for me to take the baby that was still sleeping in the baby seat. She ran out of her chair towards them, screaming and yelling to create a diversion and I knew it was now or never, waiting until they were completely distracted; I grabbed the baby and ran. I swear I could not get to the rest of your family, I tried to think of every possible scenario, but taking the baby to safety was all I could manage before it was too late. I am so sorry, Sophia.’ Nicholi could not take the strain any longer and just curled up in a ball, crying like I had so many nights, for the loss of my family, baby JC, and now he was telling me that he had escaped.

  ‘What did you do with JC, where is he?’ I was screaming, this could not be happening. Nicholi rose suddenly, knocking the bottle of putrid bourbon over and it set sail from the bottle, soaking into the luxurious beige carpet, darkening every layer of pile on its way.

  ‘He is safe; I have protected him my whole life waiting until I could find you and bring you back together. I searched for you for so long, and then you found me.’ I lunged forward, grabbing hold of Nicholi’s shirt, the fabric straining against the force of my pull.

  ‘Where is he?’ I pounded his chest, refusing to succumb to the opposing force of Cross pulling me off Nicholi.

  ‘He is with my mother and Max, Sophia, Jacob is your son.’ I fell to the ground, my head spinning.

  ‘He is not my son, he is my sister’s.’ I could feel my eyes flickering then seal, the voices once loud and resonating around me, faded into silence.

  ‘Sophia, Jesus, please wake up, you’re freaking me out.’ Cross, leaning over me, gently shaking my shoulders brought me back to the present. I had been dreaming of JC, just starting to walk, us frolicking together in a field of sunflowers, his blond curls bouncing around in the breeze, smiling and shouting momma, he had called us both momma.

  ‘Where is Nicholi?’ I replied, my voice quivering with every letter.

  ‘I don’t know, he said he would be back soon and for us to wait for him. Sophia, god damn, I don’t know what to say?’ he replied, throwing a hand through his hair, the glint of the light dazzling off his platinum blond locks.

  ‘I need some air.’ I lunged for the door, my stomach churning, my heart shattered, my head in pieces, unable to process even the smallest amount of information, just knowing exactly where I was going, my body co-operating, ploughing forward. I could hear Cross calling my name, the voice dulled, carried on the wind, gusting in my ears as I ran. My legs, remembering the pressure they had been put through when I was a ballet dancer, honing in on that presence of mind to slog through no matter the pain, my joints shearing against the long underused muscles. The memory of carrying JC’s coffin indelible across my vision.

  I fumbled with the key, swinging the door open, pushing forth to the graveside, throwing myself down and using my bare hands, lunging at the earth, detesting it for holding back the information I craved. The soil penetrated my nails, scoring them back until they were bleeding. Nothing would stop me, nothing could. I needed to know, I deserved to know.

  ‘Sophia, stop, you can’t do this.’ Cross was trying to drag me back fruitlessly from the grave.

  ‘Let go of me, it’s all a lie, none of it is true.’ I was rambling, scrabbling forwards to continue hauling the earth away, yielding under my incredible perseverance.

  ‘No, not like this, I will file a motion tomorrow for exhumation, Sophia, wait, stop, please.’ Cross’s voice, pained with as much emotion as I could feel, stopped me, and I looked up at his face.

  ‘Why, why did they do this? They told me he was dead, I carried his coffin in my arms, why?’ I was hysterical, Cross was floundering, barely able to control himself, he kissed me so hard I thought the ground would yield and take us both. Unable to breathe or move away, I threw myself back to him, giving him every bare raw emotion I was feeling, fuelling it into our embrace. He broke the kiss first, pulling us both to our feet, keeping his arms around me, holding me close.

  ‘We need to get out of here, come, now.’ I could hear sirens in the background and Cross quickened our pace slowly to a sprint out of the cemetery and through the adjacent park. I had no idea where we were going and did not care to ask; tonight’s event had taken such a turn I could not be trusted anymore to cope with information.

  Cross reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys, opening the door to the brownstone quietly and efficiently, illuminating the hallway as we entered into the house.

  ‘This is my house; I mainly use it for business trips so I can’t offer much in the way of beverages, but here.’ He handed me a glass of water and I willingly accepted, gulping down the liquid with ease, my body craving hydration. After refilling both our glasses he led me upstairs to his bedroom and reaching into his closet, grabbed a shirt.

  ‘Here, that should fit, the bathroom is through there.’ Cross handed me the garment, and I robotically fled to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I absentmindedly touched my lips, feeling the intense, rawness of the kiss echoing through my flesh.

  Reaching to start the shower, I removed the dirt-encrusted dress and placed it in a heap on the floor. I climbed into the shower, the heat startling me, my skin freezing in response then lapping it up, filling my core like no other could. The water was running black down my legs and I surveyed my hands, fingernails deeply encrusted with soil and dried blood. I shook my head, had I tried to dig u
p a grave with my bare hands? I washed my whole body, scrubbing until my skin felt red raw, and finished with my hair, closing the plughole off I sat down in the bathtub, the water level rising fast. I turned the tap off and flopped back, the water enveloped me like a cocoon of safety, my mind, unable to process anything else had shut off, willing sleep to take us both.

  I must have closed my eyes, I do not remember, but feeling that familiar touch on my arm brought me back from the brink of nowhere.

  ‘Hi, I can leave if you want me to, I just needed to know you were okay, it was so quiet in here.’ Cross was sitting on the floor next to the bathtub, his hand still lazily touching my arm.

  ‘Can you pass me the towel, please?’ I cleared my voice, and he turned away as I climbed out of the bath and wrapped the towel around me.

  ‘I went to the store while you were in here and got some provisions, I have made some pancakes and coffee for when you’re ready and I will see you in the kitchen,’ he confirmed, heading out of the bathroom and down the stairs, the floorboards creaking under his large frame. I reached for the shirt he had given me, throwing it over my head and pulling my wet hair back with a tie from my bag, I proceeded downstairs.

  ‘What time is it?’ I could not see a clock in the room and had not worn the watch Nicholi gave me, leaving it back at the apartment for safekeeping, plus it had not gone with the dress, not that any of that mattered now.

  ‘It’s five-thirty, you need to eat something and then get some sleep,’ Cross ordered, and I did not have the strength or inclination to fight him, taking the proffered pancake and biting it. My body willing me for more, demanding refuelling, I drank half of the coffee as the exhaustion once again set in.