The Arabian Nights: Tales of 1,001 Nights: Volume 1

by Penguin; Robert Irwin; Malcolm Lyons; Ursula Lyons

  When you intend some action, take advice

  From one who knows, and do not disobey.

  You will not find anyone who knows more about worldly matters than I do, and I am on my feet here to serve you. I am not irritated by you, so how can you be irritated by me? I put up with you patiently because of the favours that your father did me.’ ‘By God, you donkey’s tail,’ I said, ‘you go on and on speechifying and talking more and more, while all I want is for you to cut my hair and leave.’ After that, he dampened my hair and said: ‘I realize that you have become irritated with me, but I shall not hold it against you, because your intellect is weak and you are a young boy. It was only yesterday that I used to carry you on my shoulder and take you to school.’ ‘For God’s sake, brother,’ I said, ‘let me finish my business and be on your way,’ and then I tore my clothes.

  When he saw me do that, he took his razor and went on and on sharpening it until I was almost out of my mind with impatience. Then he came up, but after he had shaved part of my head, he raised his hand and said: ‘Master, haste comes from the devil and patience from the Merciful God.’ He then recited:

  Act slowly and not with haste in what you want;

  Be merciful to men, and you shall meet the Merciful.

  God’s power is greater than all other powers,

  And the unjust will suffer from injustice.

  ‘Master,’ he added, ‘I don’t think you are aware of my status. This hand of mine touches the heads of kings, emirs, viziers, together with men of wisdom and excellence. It could have been about me that the poet said:

  Crafts are like necklaces, and here this barber

  Is like the pearl hung on a necklace string,

  Standing above all men of wisdom,

  While under his hand are the heads of kings.’

  ‘Stop busying yourself with what is no concern of yours,’ I said, ‘for you have made me angry and distracted.’ ‘I think you must be in a hurry,’ he said. ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ I told him. ‘Allow yourself to slow down,’ he insisted, ‘for haste comes from the devil and it leaves behind repentance and loss. The Prophet – upon whom be blessing and peace – said: “The best affair is the one that proceeds slowly.” I am uneasy about your affairs and I wish you would tell me what you are planning to do. It may be something good, but I fear that it might turn out to be something else.’

  There were still three hours to go before the time of prayer, but he said: ‘I want to be in no doubt about that. Rather, I would like to know the time exactly, for guesswork leads to shame, especially in the case of a man like me, whose merits are clear and celebrated among the people. I cannot speak by conjecture as the common run of astrologers do.’ So he threw down his razor, took the astrolabe and went out into the sun. He stayed there for a long time and when he came back, he said: ‘There are exactly three hours to go, neither more nor less.’ ‘I implore you, in God’s Name,’ I said, ‘don’t speak to me. You have broken my heart.’ So, as before, he took his razor, sharpened it, and shaved part of my head. Then he said: ‘I am worried by your hastiness. If you told me the reason for it, it would be better for you, since you know that your father and your grandfather never did anything except on my advice.’

  When I realized that I couldn’t get rid of him, I told myself: ‘Prayer time has come and I want to go before the people leave the mosque, as if I delay at all, I don’t know how I can get in to see the girl.’ So I said: ‘Cut this short and stop all this chattering and inquisitiveness. I want to go to a party to which I have been invited by a friend of mine.’ When the barber heard me talk of an invitation, he said: ‘This is a fortunate day for me. Yesterday I invited a group of my friends, but I forgot to see to it that they had something to eat. I have only just thought of that, and how ashamed I shall be.’ ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘I have already told you that I have been invited out today, so you can have all the food and drink in my house, if only you finish the job and shave my head quickly.’ ‘May God reward you,’ he said, but then added: ‘Tell me what you have for my guests, so that I may know.’ I told him: ‘There are five different types of food, ten grilled chickens and a roasted lamb.’ ‘Bring them out, so that I may inspect them,’ he said. I produced all of this, but, after looking at it, he said: ‘There is still the wine.’ ‘I have some,’ I said, and when he told me to fetch it out, I did so. He praised my generosity, but added: ‘There is still the incense and the perfumes.’ I fetched him a container with nadd, aloes, ambergris and musk worth fifty dinars.

  Time was getting short, as was my temper, and so I said: ‘Finish shaving my head, by the life of Muhammad – may God have mercy on him and give him peace.’ ‘By God,’ said the barber, ‘I cannot take this container until I have seen all its contents.’ On my orders, my servant opened it, and putting away his astrolabe, the barber sat on the ground turning over its contents, so adding to my annoyance. He then came forward and, taking his razor, he then shaved a small bit of my head. Then he recited:

  The child grows up to resemble his father,

  And the tree grows from its roots.

  ‘By God, my son,’ he went on, ‘I don’t know whether to thank you or to thank your father. My party today will be all the result of your kindly generosity. None of my guests is worthy of that, but the people who are coming are respected citizens, such as Zantut the bath keeper, Sali‘ the grain merchant, Sulit the bean seller, ‘Ikrisha the greengrocer, Humaid the street sweeper, Sa‘id the camel driver, Suwaid the porter, Abu Makarish the bath man, Qasim the guard and Karim the groom. None of these are heavy-going, quarrelsome, inquisitive or otherwise troublesome men. Each one of them has a dance that he can perform and verses that he can recite, and the best thing about them is that, like your humble servant, they are ignorant of verbosity and are without curiosity. The bath keeper sings a magical song to the tambourine: “Mother I am going to fill my jar”. The grain merchant, bringing to it more skill than anyone else, dances and recites “My lady, you hired mourner, you have given no short measure”, stealing all hearts as people laugh at his antics. The street sweeper stops the birds in their flight by his singing, and he dances and recites “What my wife knows is shut in a box”. He is an able fellow, smart and bold. In praise of his handsomeness I say:

  My life is the ransom for a street sweeper who has roused my passion.

  Sweet-natured, he is like a swaying branch.

  When time granted him to me one night, my passion

  Wore me away as it increased, and I told him:

  “You have kindled your fire within my heart.”

  “No wonder,” he replied, “when sweeper turns stoker.”

  Each one of my guests has in full measure what entertains and amuses.’ Then he added: ‘But hearing is not the same as seeing. Were you to choose to come to our party, both you and we would prefer it. Don’t go to the friends you are thinking of visiting, for you are still showing the traces of your illness and it may be that you will find yourself with chatterboxes who talk about what is no concern of theirs, and you might find some inquisitive fellow there who would give you a headache while you are still depressed as a result of your illness.’ ‘Another time, perhaps,’ I said, with an angry laugh. Then I added: ‘Finish your job and let me go under the protection of Almighty God, while you go to your friends who are expecting you.’ ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I only want to let you enjoy the company of these clever people, men of good background, none of them being long-winded or inquisitive. From my earliest days, I have never been able to associate with anyone who asks about what is no concern of his; my only associates are men of few words like me. If you came to meet them and saw them one single time, you would abandon all your own companions.’ ‘May God complete your happiness with them,’ I said, ‘and one day I must certainly come to meet them.’ ‘May that be today,’ he replied. ‘If you make up your mind to go with me to my friends, let me take your generous gifts, but if you have to go to your own friends today, I shall carry
away the gifts and leave them with my companions, who can start eating and drinking without waiting for me. Then I can come back for you and go with you to your friends. I don’t stand on ceremony with mine, as this might stop me leaving them and coming back to you quickly and going with you wherever you want to go.’ ‘There is no might and no power except with God, the Exalted, the Almighty!’ I exclaimed. ‘Off you go to your own friends and enjoy yourself with them and let me go to mine, who are expecting me, so that I can be with them today.’ The barber said: ‘I cannot let you go by yourself.’ ‘No one but I can enter the place where I am going,’ I told him, which prompted him to say: ‘I think that you have an assignation with some woman, for otherwise you would be taking me with you, and yet I am the most suitable of people to help you get what you want. I am afraid, however, that you may want to meet some foreign woman, at the cost of your life. For this is Baghdad and no one can do things like that here, especially on a day like this, and the wali is a very stern man.’ ‘You foul old fellow,’ I said, ‘take yourself off!’ ‘Why are you talking to me like this, you silly man?’ he replied. ‘I’m ashamed to listen to you. You’re hiding something from me; I know it; I’m certain of it, and I only wanted to help you today.’

  I became afraid that my family and my neighbours might hear what he was saying, and so I fell into a deep silence. We had reached the hour of the Friday prayer, and the sermon was due by the time that he had finished cutting my hair. I told him to take the food and the drink to his friends, saying that I would wait for him until he came back, when he could go with me. I went on flattering and trying to mislead the damned man, in the hope that he might leave me, but he said: ‘You’re trying to deceive me so that you can go alone and involve yourself in a disaster from which you won’t be able to escape. For God’s sake, don’t leave until I get back, so that I can go with you, to see how your affair turns out.’ ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but don’t be long.’

  He then took all the food, the drink and the rest of what I had given him, and left my house. But what the wretched fellow did was to give all this to a porter to take to his house, while he himself hid in a lane nearby. I got up at once, as the muezzin had already finished the service, put on my clothes and went out. I then came to the lane and stopped at the house where I had seen the girl. There I found the old woman waiting for me, and I went up with her to the floor on which the girl lived. My entry, however, coincided with the return of the master of the house from Friday prayers. He came into the hall and shut the door, and when I looked out of the window, I saw this very same barber – God damn him – sitting by the door, and I asked myself: ‘How did this devil know where I was?’

  It happened just then, as God intended my secret to be uncovered, that a maidservant had committed some fault. The master of the house beat her, and when she shrieked, a slave rushed to her rescue. He for his part was also beaten and he, too, cried out. The damned barber thought that it was I who was being beaten, and so he shouted, tore his clothes and poured earth on his head. He continued to yell and cry for help until he was surrounded by a crowd. He kept repeating: ‘My master has been killed in the qadi’s house,’ and then, still shouting, he went to my house, followed by the crowd. He told my family and my servants, and before I knew what was happening, there they came with their clothes torn and their hair loosed, crying: ‘Woe for our master!’ In the forefront was the barber, with his torn clothes and his cries, accompanied by the crowd. My family kept on shouting and so did he from among the front ranks of the crowd. Crying: ‘Woe, woe, for the murdered man!’ they made for the house where I was.

  Hearing the disturbance and the shouting at his door, the qadi told one of his servants to see what the matter was. The man came out and then went back to his master and said: ‘Sir, there are more than ten thousand people, men and women, at the door. They are shouting: “Woe for the murdered man!” and pointing at our house.’ When the qadi heard this, he thought that this was a monstrous business and, getting up angrily, he went to open the door. He was astonished to see the huge crowd and asked them what the matter was. ‘You damned man, you dog, you pig!’ shouted my servants. ‘You have killed our master.’ ‘What has your master done that I should kill him?’ he asked…

  Morning now dawned and Shahrazad broke off from what she had been allowed to say. Then, when it was the thirty-first night, SHE CONTINUED:

  I have heard, O auspicious king, that the qadi said to the servants: ‘What has your master done that I should kill him?’ THE YOUNG MAN WENT ON:

  ‘Here is my house standing open before you,’ added the qadi. ‘You beat him just now with whips,’ said the barber, ‘and I heard him screaming.’ ‘What had he done that I should kill him?’ repeated the qadi. ‘Who brought him to my house? Where did he come from? Where did he go?’ ‘Don’t play the sinister old man,’ said the barber. ‘I know the whole story. Your daughter loves him and he loves her. When you found out that he had come into your house, you ordered your servants to beat him. I shall get the caliph to judge which of us is right, unless you produce our master so that his family can take him off, before I go in and bring him out, putting you to shame.’ The qadi’s tongue was bridled and, feeling himself shamed before the crowd, he said: ‘If you are telling the truth, come in yourself and fetch him out.’

  Encouraged by this, in came the barber, and when I saw this, I looked for a way to escape, but could not find one. Then in the part of the house where I was I saw a large chest and I got into this, closing the lid on top of me and holding my breath. The barber came into the hall, but scarcely had he entered it, when he came up to the room where I was, and after turning right and then left, he came up to my chest and carried it off on his head, driving me out of my mind. He started off in a hurry and, realizing that he would not leave me alone, I pulled myself together, opened the chest and threw myself out on to the ground, so breaking my leg. The door was open, and I saw a crowd of people there. In my sleeve, I was carrying a quantity of gold in readiness for a day or a crisis like this. So I began to scatter it among the people to distract their attention, which it did, as they picked it up. Then I started to make my way through the lanes of Baghdad, turning right and left, but always with this damned barber on my heels. Into whatever place I went, on he came after me, repeating: ‘They wanted to rob me of my master. Praise be to God who gave me the upper hand over them and freed my master from their hands!’

  Then he told me: ‘You continued to distress me by what you were planning and eventually you brought all this on yourself. If God in His grace had not sent me to you, you would never have escaped from the disaster into which you had fallen, but would have fallen into another, from which you would not have escaped. You wanted to go by yourself, but I don’t hold your folly against you, as you are an impatient young man of limited intelligence.’ I said: ‘Isn’t what you have done enough for you, that you run after me and talk to me like this in the market?’ My soul had almost left my body, so enraged was I, and going into the shop of a weaver in the centre of the market, I asked for his help. The weaver kept the barber away from me, while I sat in the storeroom and said to myself: ‘I shall never be able to get away from this damned man. He will stay with me night and day and if I have to look at him I shall have no breath of life left in me.’

  So, on the spot, I sent for the notaries and drew up a legal document for my family, dividing up my wealth and appointing a trustee for them, instructing him to sell my house and my properties and to look after the members of the household, both young and old. From that day on, I have been off on my travels so as to escape from this pimp. I came and settled down in your city, where I have been for some time. Then you invited me and I came, only to see the pimp – damn him – sitting with you at the head of the table. How can I stay here cheerfully among you with a man who has done all this to me and who was the cause of my broken leg?

  The young man refused to take a seat and when we had heard his story, we asked the barber: ‘Is what he says ab
out you true?’ HE REPLIED:

  I acted like that with him out of knowledge, intelligence and a sense of chivalry. Had it not been for me, he would be dead, and the fact that he escaped is due to me alone. It was lucky for him that it was his leg that was broken and he did not lose his life. Were I a man of many words, I would not have done him this favour, and now I shall tell you a story of something that happened to me, so that you may know for certain that I am a man of few words without curiosity, unlike my six brothers.

  I was in Baghdad in the time of al-Mustansir bi’llah, who was then caliph. He loved the poor and the unfortunate, and would sit with men of learning and virtue. It happened that one feast day he became angry with ten men and ordered the prefect of Baghdad to bring them to him, they being thieves and highwaymen. The prefect went out, arrested them, and sent them off in a boat. I saw this and said to myself: ‘These people must have gathered together for a banquet. I suppose that they are going to spend the day eating and drinking on their boat, and no one but I shall be their companion.’ So I got up, and thanks to my sense of chivalry and the soundness of my intellect, I boarded this boat and mixed with them. They crossed the river and disembarked on the far bank. Then the watch and the guards brought chains which they placed round their necks, and they did the same to me. All this, my friends, was caused by my sense of chivalry and the fact that, as a man of few words, I kept silence and did not allow myself to speak.