The Arabian Nights: Tales of 1,001 Nights: Volume 1

by Penguin; Robert Irwin; Malcolm Lyons; Ursula Lyons

  The guards then took us by our chains and brought us before al-Mustansir bi’llah, the Commander of the Faithful, who gave orders that the ten should have their heads cut off. The executioner made us sit before him on the execution mat and, having drawn his sword, he cut off the heads of the ten, one after the other, leaving me. The caliph looked and said to the executioner: ‘Why have you only cut off nine heads?’ ‘God forbid that I should only cut off nine after you had ordered me to cut off ten,’ the man replied. ‘I think that you have only cut off nine,’ insisted the caliph, ‘and this man in front of you is the tenth.’ ‘By your favour,’ said the executioner, ‘there were ten of them.’

  The caliph ordered a count to be made, and it turned out that there were ten. He then looked at me and said: ‘What led you to stay silent at a time like this? How did you come to be with these criminals, and what is the reason for this, you being an old man of little brain?’ When I heard what he said, I told him: ‘You must know, Commander of the Faithful, that I am the silent shaikh. I have a large store of wisdom, and the soundness of my intelligence, the excellence of my understanding and my taciturnity are without bounds. By profession I am a barber. Early yesterday morning, I saw these ten men on their way to a boat, and I joined them, thinking that they had gathered together for a banquet. Shortly afterwards, the guards came and put chains around their necks, and they chained me together with the others. Because of my great sense of chivalry, I stayed silent and did not say a word, this being a simple matter of honour. They then took us off and brought us before you and you ordered the execution of the ten. I stayed there in front of the executioner without telling you who I was. It was a hugely honourable act on my part to share in their execution, but all my days I have been doing favours of this kind to people, in spite of the fact that they repay me in the most brutish of ways.’

  On hearing this, the caliph saw at once that I was a taciturn man with a great sense of chivalry, lacking in inquisitiveness, contrary to the claim made by this young man whom I saved from fearful danger. In fact, the caliph laughed so much that he fell over, and he asked me: ‘Silent man, are your six brothers as wise, learned and taciturn as you?’ ‘May they not stay alive,’ I said, ‘if they are like me. You are denigrating me, Commander of the Faithful, and you should not compare my brothers to me, as thanks to their loquacity and lack of honour, each of them has some physical deformity. One of them has lost an eye, while another is completely blind, a third is semi-paralysed, a fourth has had his ears and a fifth his lips cut off, while the sixth is a hunchback. You should not think, Commander of the Faithful, that I am a man of many words, but I must explain to you that I have a greater sense of honour than they do, and each of them has a story, which I must tell you, explaining how he came to be disabled.’ AND I WENT ON:

  The first of them, the hunchback, was by trade a tailor in Baghdad. He used to do his sewing in a shop which he rented from a wealthy man who lived over the shop, while in the basement another man worked a mill. One day, when my brother the hunchback was sitting sewing in his shop, he raised his head and saw in the window of the house a woman like the full moon as it rises. She was looking out at the passers-by and when my brother saw her, love for her became fixed in his heart. He spent that day staring at her and doing no more work until evening. The next morning, he opened his shop and sat sewing, but after every stitch he would glance up at the window and see her looking out as before, so strengthening his love.

  On the third day, as he sat in his place looking at her, the woman caught sight of him and realized that he had been captivated by love for her. She smiled at him and he smiled at her. She then disappeared from sight and sent her maid to him with a bundle containing a quantity of red figured silk. When the maid came, she said: ‘My mistress greets you and asks you to use your skill to cut out a shift for her from this material and to sew it elegantly.’ My brother agreed to this and he cut out the shift and finished sewing it on that same day. Early the next morning, the maid came to him and said: ‘My mistress greets you and asks how you passed the night, as she herself was not able to sleep because she was concerned for you.’ Then she produced for him some yellow satin and said: ‘My mistress asks you to cut out for her from this material a pair of harem trousers and to sew them up today.’ My brother agreed and said: ‘Give her many greetings from me and tell her: “Your slave is obedient to your commands, so give him what orders you wish.” ’

  Then he started to cut out the material and he worked hard sewing up the trousers. Some time later, she looked out at him from her window and gestured a greeting, at times lowering her eyes and at times smiling at him, leading him to think that he would make a conquest of her. She then disappeared from view, and the maid came and took away the trousers which he handed to her. When night came, he threw himself down on his bed and spent the hours until morning twisting and turning. When morning came, he got up and sat in his place. This time, when the maid came to him, she said: ‘My master summons you.’ When my brother heard that, he was extremely afraid. Noticing this, the maid reassured him: ‘No harm will come to you, but only good, for my mistress has told my master about you.’

  My brother was delighted and, after accompanying the maid, he came into the presence of her master, the husband of her mistress, and kissed the ground. The man returned his greeting and then gave him a quantity of material, telling him to cut out a shirt from it and to sew it up. My brother agreed and he went on working, without stopping for anything to eat, until he had cut out twenty shirts by supper time. When he was asked what his fee was for this, he said: ‘Twenty dirhams,’ and the husband called to the maid to fetch the money. My brother said nothing, but the lady made signs to him that he should take none of it. So he said: ‘By God, I shall not ask anything from you,’ after which he took his work things and went out.

  In fact, he had not a penny to his name and for three days he had been working so hard at sewing those clothes that he had had little to eat and drink. The maid had then come and asked him how the work was going. ‘The shirts are finished,’ he had replied, and he had then taken them to the people upstairs, handing them over to the husband and leaving immediately. Although my brother hadn’t known it, the lady had told her husband about the state that my brother was in, and the two of them had agreed to make him the butt of a joke by getting him to sew things for them without charge. So the next morning, when my brother went to his shop, the maid came to tell him to have another word with her master. He went with her and was asked by the man to cut out five mantles for him. He did this and then left, taking the material with him. When he had sewed the mantles, he brought them to the man, who admired his work and called for a purse. There was money in it and my brother had stretched out his hand when the lady, standing behind her husband, gestured to him not to take anything. So my brother said to the husband: ‘There is no need to hurry, sir; there is ample time.’

  He then went out more submissively than a donkey, urging himself on in spite of the fact that he was suffering from five things – love, bankruptcy, hunger, nakedness and drudgery. When he had finished all the work that they wanted done, they played another trick on him and married him to the maid. On the night that he was due to sleep with her, they told him: ‘It will be better if you spend the night in the mill and wait for tomorrow.’ My brother believed that this was sound advice and so he spent the night alone in the mill, but the lady’s husband maliciously told the miller about him in order to get him to turn the millwheel. At midnight, the miller came in and started to say: ‘This bull is lazy; he has stopped and isn’t turning the wheel tonight, in spite of the fact that we have a great deal of corn.’ He came down to the mill, filled the trough with grain, and then went up to my brother carrying a rope which he tied round his neck. ‘Hup,’ he cried, ‘turn the millstone over the grain. All you do is eat and leave your droppings and your urine.’ He then took up a whip and lashed my brother with it. My brother wept and cried out, but could find no one to help him, an
d the grinding continued until it was almost morning.

  The owner of the house then came but went off again after seeing my brother tethered to the millwheel. Early in the day, the maid arrived and professed to be shocked by what had happened to him: ‘My mistress and I were worried about you.’ Because of his tiredness and the severity of his beating, my brother could give no answer in return. When he got back to his lodging, in came the official who had drawn up the marriage contract. The man greeted him and said: ‘God give you long life. This is a face that tells of delights, dalliance and night-long embraces.’ ‘May God give no blessing to the liar, you thousand-time cuckold,’ retorted my brother. ‘By God, I have been doing nothing but grind corn in place of the bull until morning.’ The official asked him to tell his story, which he did, and the man then said: ‘Your star did not match hers, but if you like, I can alter the contract for you.’ He then added: ‘Watch out lest they play another trick on you.’

  After that, he left my brother, who went to his shop to see if anyone would bring him work from which he could get money to buy food. Again, the maid came and asked him to go to her mistress, but this time he said: ‘Go away, my good girl; I will have no further dealings with your mistress.’ The girl went off and told her mistress of this, and before my brother knew what was happening, she was looking out at him from her window, weeping and saying: ‘My darling, why will you have nothing more to do with me?’ He made no reply, and she then swore that nothing that had happened in the mill had been of her choosing and that she hadn’t had anything to do with it.

  When my brother looked at her loveliness and grace and listened to her sweet words, he forgot his sufferings, accepted her excuse and took pleasure in gazing at her. He greeted her and talked with her, after which he sat for a time doing his sewing. When the maid came this time, she said: ‘My mistress greets you and tells you that her husband is intending to spend the night with friends. When he goes to them, you can come to us and pass the most delicious of nights with her until morning.’ In fact, her husband had asked her how they could get my brother to leave her alone, and she had said: ‘Let me play another trick on him and I will see that his shame is known throughout this city.’

  My brother knew nothing of women’s wiles, and so when the maid came that evening, he went off with her. When the lady saw him, she said: ‘I am full of passionate longing for you.’ ‘For God’s sake,’ he said, ‘give me a kiss at once,’ but before he had finished speaking, in came her husband from another room. ‘By God,’ he said to my brother, ‘I’m going to take you straight to the chief of police.’ Paying no attention to my brother’s pleadings, he carried him off to the wali, who had him beaten with whips, mounted on a camel and taken round the city, with the people shouting at him: ‘This is the reward of someone who violates the harems of others!’ He was banished from the city and went out without knowing where to go, but, as I was afraid for him, I caught up with him and stayed with him. Then I brought him back and lodged him in my house, where he still is.

  *

  The caliph laughed at my story and said: ‘Well done, you silent and taciturn man.’ He ordered me to be rewarded and to leave, but I said that I would not accept anything from him until I had told him what happened to my other brothers, adding: ‘But do not think that I am loquacious.’ I CONTINUED:

  You must know, Commander of the Faithful, that my second brother is called the Babbler and it is he who is semi-paralysed. One day when he was walking along on some errand of his, he met an old woman who asked him to stop for a moment so that she could propose something to him, adding: ‘And if you like the sound of it, then do it for me, with God’s guidance.’ He stopped and she went on: ‘I shall tell you of something and guide you to it, but you must not question me too much.’ ‘Tell me,’ said my brother, and she asked: ‘What do you say to a beautiful house with a pleasant garden, flowing streams, fruit, wine, a beautiful face and someone to embrace you from evening until morning? If you do what I shall suggest to you, you will find something to please you.’

  When my brother heard this, he said: ‘My lady, how is it that you have singled me out from everybody else in this affair, and what is it about me that has pleased you?’ ‘Didn’t I tell you not to talk too much?’ she said. ‘Be quiet and come with me.’ She then turned back and my brother followed her, hoping to see what she had described. They entered a spacious house with many servants, and after she had taken him from the bottom to the top of it, he saw that it was an elegant mansion. When the members of the household saw him, they asked: ‘Who has brought you here?’ ‘Don’t talk to him,’ said the old woman, ‘and don’t worry him. He is a craftsman and we need him.’

  She then took him to a beautifully decorated room, as lovely as eye had ever seen. When they entered, the women there got up, welcomed him and made him sit beside them. Immediately he heard a great commotion, and in came maids, in the middle of whom was a girl like the moon on the night it comes to the full. My brother turned to look at her and then got up and made his obeisance. She welcomed him, telling him to sit down, and after he had done this, she went up to him and said: ‘May God honour you, is all well with you?’ ‘Very well indeed,’ replied my brother. Then she ordered food to be brought, and a delicious meal was produced for him. She sat and joined him in eating it, but all the while she could not stop laughing, although whenever he looked at her, she turned away to her maids as though she was laughing at them.

  She made a show of affection for him and joked with him, while he, donkey that he is, understood nothing. He was so far under the influence of desire that he thought that the girl was in love with him and that she would allow him his wish. After they had finished eating, wine was produced, and then ten maids like moons came with stringed lutes in their hands and they started to sing with great emotion. Overcome by delight, my brother took a glass from the girl’s hand and drained it, before standing up. The girl then drank a glass. ‘Good health,’ said my brother, and he made her another obeisance. She then gave him a second glass to drink, but when he did this, she slapped him on the nape of his neck. At that my brother left the room as fast as he could, but the old woman followed him and started winking at him, as if to tell him to go back. So back he went, and when the girl told him to sit down, he sat without a word. She then slapped him again on the nape of his neck and, not content with that, she ordered all her maids to slap him. All the while he was saying to the old woman: ‘I have never seen anything finer than this,’ while she was exclaiming to her mistress that that was enough.

  But the maids went on slapping him until he was almost unconscious. When he had to get up to answer the call of nature, the old woman caught up with him and said: ‘A little endurance and you will get what you want.’ ‘How long do I have to endure,’ he asked, ‘now that I have been slapped almost unconscious?’ ‘When she gets drunk,’ the old woman told him, ‘you will get what you want.’ So my brother went back and sat down in his place. All the maids stood up and their mistress told them to perfume my brother and to sprinkle rosewater over his face. When they had done this, the girl said: ‘May God bring you honour. You have entered my house and endured the condition I imposed. Whoever disobeys me, I expel, but whoever endures reaches his goal.’ ‘I am your slave, lady,’ said my brother, ‘and you hold me in the palm of your hand.’ ‘Know,’ she replied, ‘that God has made me passionately fond of amusement, and those who indulge me in this get what they seek.’

  On her orders, the maids sang with loud voices until all present were filled with delight. She then said to one of them: ‘Take your master, do what needs to be done to him and then bring him back immediately.’ The maid took my brother, little knowing what was going to be done to him. He was joined by the old woman, who said: ‘Be patient; you will not have to wait long.’ His face cleared and he went with the maid, heeding the words of the old woman telling him that patience would bring him his desire. He then asked: ‘What is the maid going to do?’ ‘No harm will come to you,�
�� said the old woman, ‘may I be your ransom. She is going to dye your eyebrows and pluck out your moustache.’ ‘Dye on the eyebrows can be washed away,’ said my brother, ‘but plucking out a moustache is a painful business.’ ‘Take care not to disobey her,’ said the old lady, ‘for her heart is fixed on you.’ So my brother patiently allowed his eyebrows to be dyed and his moustache plucked. The maid went to her mistress and told her of this, but her mistress said: ‘There is one thing more. You have to shave his chin so as to leave him beardless.’

  The maid returned to tell my brother of her mistress’s order, and he, the fool, objected: ‘But won’t this make me a public disgrace?’ The old woman explained: ‘She only wants to do that to you so that you may be smooth and beardless, with nothing on your face that might prick her, for she has fallen most deeply in love with you. So be patient, for you will get what you want.’ Patiently my brother submitted to the maid and let his beard be shaved. The girl then had him brought out, with his dyed eyebrows, his shorn moustache, his shaven chin and his red face. At first, the lady recoiled from him in alarm, but then she laughed until she fell over. ‘My master,’ she said, ‘you have won me by your good nature.’ Then she urged him to get up and dance, which he did, and there was not a cushion in the room that she did not throw at him, while the maids began to pelt him with oranges, lemons and citrons, until he fell fainting from the blows, the cuffs that he had suffered on the back of his neck and the things that had been thrown at him.

  ‘Now,’ said the old woman, ‘you have achieved your goal. There will be no more blows, and there is only one thing left. It is a habit of my mistress that, when she is drunk, she will not let anyone have her until she has stripped off her clothes, including her harem trousers, and is entirely naked. Then she will tell you to remove your own clothes and to start running, while she runs in front of you as though she was trying to escape from you. You must follow her from place to place until you have an erection, and she will then let you take her.’