Five Feet or Less

by Erik Schubach

  But then Marcie didn't leave either. I was happy and had as much fun as I could, before... but now I was thinking I was wrong about everyone leaving. Maybe it wasn't me.

  A couple years went by and I had all but forgotten my curse until mom brought me into her room one night with a concerned look on her face. She told me that dad's father... grandpa Qualls. Had passed away.

  But... we had just seen him last summer when he visited like he always did. He had told me all kinds of stories about Dad. I had to hide under my bed again and cry. I didn't know what I did to make him leave me too. Mom couldn't get me out from under my bed.

  A little while later Gwen was crawling under my bed with Marcie. They just laid there with me hugging me without saying anything. Looking back, I can't believe that such young girls had that kind of empathy and knew exactly what to do. Gwen was just being Gwen... my hero again.

  She was there for me at the worst times of my life, I don't know how I got so lucky to have two such good friends as Marcie and Gwen.

  But things changed in the sixth grade, we were eleven. Marcie would be mean to me and make snide remarks all the time. Was I pushing her away somehow? Was it time for her to leave like all the rest? Gwen would admonish her.

  I was taller than both of them now and I was starting to get little breasts. People were treating me different. That is when I had the worst day of my life. Marcie had made a snide remark about me and Gwen... well... Gwen chimed in. I ran home and bawled all night.

  The world was different after that. Gwen was so mean to me, I didn't know what I did. I probably deserved it, I still knew in my heart I must be bad. They were both so mean to me. I started avoiding them, maybe things would get better. I wish I knew what I had done so I could apologize. They would hunt me down in school to ridicule me.

  I just hid in my room when I wasn't in school. I missed my friends so much. But this must have been it, they were going to leave now. That's how it worked with me right? Everyone I care about leaves. Everyone leaves.

  I found that computer games and learning how to make web pages kept me focused away from the sadness. I could make my own virtual world and wouldn't need to live in the real world anymore.

  Near the end of the school year, Gwen wasn't being so mean anymore though Marcie still was. And puberty was hitting Gwen hard, she looked so much prettier now. I stared at her a lot in class when she didn't know I was looking.

  She came up to me on the last day of school and handed me a letter and ran off. I read it. “I miss you. Please come to my birthday party next month. -G-”

  I can't tell you how much my heart soared at that. I could fix things! Whatever I did, I could get my best friend back. I spent weeks trying to figure out the best gift for her. I finally figured it out. Mom helped me and then she drove me to Gwen's house.

  We never made it there. I woke up in the hospital. I couldn't move my legs. The doctors told me my back was broken. They wouldn't let me see my mom. I was so scared, why wasn't she there? Didn't she love me anymore? They sedated me as I screamed for her to come.

  I was in shock for a few days, and they kept making me go to sleep. They wouldn't tell me when my legs would be fixed.

  They told me that mom was not in good shape, that just like me, she had to go through many painful surgeries. I heard the nurses say in the hall that she was in excruciating pain. I was so terrified, they wouldn't let me see her.

  It wasn't like the movies where a person dies instantly in a wreck. It took eight days. Eight days of torturous pain for my mom to die. I never got to see her... to say goodbye. I was just twelve then and how they told me was so cold. A children's advocate social worker, Mrs. Green came into my room with the doctor. He said the words that are burned into my brain. “We tried everything we could, but your mother didn't make it.” Then the fucking bastard just turned and walked out of the room.

  All I knew was rage and guilt. I wanted so badly to cry forever but I forced myself not to. It was my fault. Everyone leaves. They tried to get me to talk. I wouldn't talk to any of them. They brought in a grief counselor, I wouldn't talk to her.

  Mrs Green brought a doctor in and he explained that I would never walk again. The nerve damage was too great. Good. I deserved what I got. It was my fault that mom died.

  Then she explained that since I had no living relatives, I was a ward of the state.

  They sold off my home. All I have of mom now is in a box in the bottom of my closet back at the apartment. Everything I had, everything I knew was gone.

  Once they got me in a wheelchair and physical therapy, Mrs. Green explained that I would be going to a foster family. A trust was set up for when I turned eighteen that had the money from mom's estate. That with it was also the fifty thousand dollars from mom's life insurance.

  That's the price of my mom's life. Fifty thousand dollars. It wouldn't bring her back, but apparently that is what she was worth. That money is still in a separate account today. I can't bring myself to touch it.

  Every day I had to fight off the tears, but I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't talk.

  I was getting stronger and stronger each day and unfortunately getting good in the chair. I found all my limitations. I was angry all the time at them. I needed a towel above the toilet on a shelf. I couldn't reach it. I raged for hours about that.

  I especially hated the way people treated me so different. With pity and caution. Like I would break. Well sorry to tell you frigging people, I already am broken! But pity was the worst, I'm still a person!

  They finally released me, it had been almost a month. I put on my clothes like they had taught me and I got a little plastic bag with my belongings. I looked through it. I was panicking, where was it. I could feel my heart pounding and rushing through my ears. I was hyperventilating then I found it. I grabbed the bloodstained green envelope and held it to my chest and allowed myself to calm down.

  I wheeled out with Mrs. Green to a car. She opened the back door and looked at me and the chair, she obviously didn't know what to do now. Neither did I.

  She started to lean down, and reach out with a look of pity on her face... I think she was going to try to lift me in. I'm not fucking helpless! I pushed her away. I backed over and looked at the door, then decided to do it like they taught me to transfer to a chair. It wound up being easier since I could use the handle inside the door too. I scooted to the middle of the seat and reached out and folded my chair and pulled it inside with me. Mrs. Green wordlessly closed the door.

  On our way to purgatory number one as I numbered my foster homes. She explained that they found foster parents in my old area so I could stay in the same schools with my friends. I almost laughed at that. Friends? I was about to fix that particular problem before all of this, now my chance at getting my only friends back was gone forever.

  The Lemonts treated me like I was simple since I didn't talk. They would talk to me like I was four or something and speak loudly like I was hard of hearing. I hated it there. And they would always have things out of reach. You would think they could do the old two plus two thing and have things in reach for me. I wound up with an old back scratcher that I wrapped a thick rubber band around the end on. I could snag things off of shelves and catch them. I wasn't about to write a note asking the Lemonts for help.

  My hell gained so many new dimensions when I was forced to go to the first day of junior high. It was bad enough the frigging short bus dropped me off. I just wanted to wheel to school but the Lamonts wouldn't let me.

  So right away, everyone was already staring at me as the damn lift lowered me to the ground. I was wheeling off as fast as I could when the driver grabbed my chair. I can't tell you how much I hate when someone holds my chair. Restraining me. It would be like if I grabbed someone and stopped them from walking or dragged them somewhere they didn't wan to go. It is the exact same thing.

  He friggin' wheeled me into the school past the students. I was getting looks of horror, of pity and a couple sneers as we went past.
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  The principal met us by the office. “Miss Qualls. Here is your schedule, we have some special classes in there for you. Ms. Danner will be your helper while you go to school here. What the hell? I looked at them all in horror. Why do I need a helper, special classes? I'm the same person I was before the chair!

  The driver left and Ms. Danner grabbed my chair and I yanked my handrims hard to yank my chair from her grip and shot her an 'eat shit and live' look. She looked at me like I was three and spoke slowly. “This way Miss Qualls.”

  I followed her to my math class. I kept my eyes down, I didn't want to see the looks on people's faces as I passed by. I glanced up once and saw Gwen and Marcie at the end of the hall. Gwen seriously looked like she was going to throw up. She was green. Her eyes were tearing up and she had a look of terror on her face as she pulled Marcie into a room.

  I felt like crying but I will never cry! We got to math class and Ms. Danner was going to go in with me. I stopped and grabbed my little notepad and scribbled out. “I don't need you, I'm not an idiot and can get to my classes alone.”

  She read it and said, “I have been assigned to you by the principal.”

  My anger sustained me throughout that first day. Everyone treated me differently. Kids that I had gone through school with either avoided me or looked at me with that damn pity in their eyes. Not a single teacher or student had said a word to me all day. They even put me in some dumbass class that would teach me how to tell time and fold towels and crap. What the hell? There's nothing wrong with my frigging brain! It is kind of on the other side of the body from my legs people! I was so mad.

  Then something happened that I wasn't prepared for. Sixth period... computer keyboarding. As I was going into class someone pushed past me and a familiar voice chimed out, “Move it Wheels. Your blocking the damn door you degenerate.”

  I looked up to see Gwen and Marcie moving through the door, Gwen looked smug and Marcie looked confused. It caught me off guard for several reasons. One, someone actually spoke to me like I was a person. Two, Gwen was treating me exactly the same as she had last year. Three, I realized that Gwen had gotten even more beautiful over the summer. But most importantly, I finally had an outlet for my rage.”

  Ms. Danner grabbed Gwen's arm, “Come with me. You're going to the office.”

  My first words since the accident spewed from my mouth, “Stop being a bitch Gwen! Leave her alone Ms. Danner.”

  I wheeled past them all into class. Ms. Danner eventually released Gwen and stood outside of the class to wait for it to be over.

  God that felt good. That release lessened the tension in my muscles. My anger dissipated. I couldn't keep my eyes off of Gwen the whole class. I don't know how she did it, but somehow she had come to my rescue once again. A super hero in bitchy armor. She didn't change. Everything had been taken from me but Gwen. She was exactly the same. I had an anchor, a lifeline to my old life.

  I wheeled to the principal's office after school. I wrote that I didn't need Ms. Danner nor the special education class they put me in. He wouldn't listen. “You need to be reintegrated. Until we know your limitations we...”

  I cut him of when I blurted out “The only fucking limitations I have are you! I'm not stupid, I didn't suffer brain damage. I'm a person. Just like all the other kids here! I don't need hand holding or stupid special classes or remedial math!”

  He was on the phone dialing a number on a piece of paper in front of him. “I'm going to overlook your foul mouth just this once.” Who was he calling? “Mr. Lemont? This is Principal Harding. Reese is acting up. Could you please come collect her? We also need to discuss her classes, perhaps we need to re-evaluate some of the placements. No... no... she is quite, ummm, vocal.”

  I glared at him. “Collect me? I'm not a thing, I'm a person. What the heck? You'd give anyone else detention if they were 'acting up' as you say. I'm out of here!”

  I wheeled out as fast as I could with Principal Harding and Ms. Danner in pursuit. Heh, just try to catch me, that's the only good thing about this wheelchair, I'm quick. I pushed open the doors to the courtyard and almost ran over Gwen and Marcie who were peeking in the window. “Watch it Wheels!” Gwen called out.

  “No time to fight.” I sputtered then took off down the sidewalk toward the Lemont house.

  She called out, “Whatever degenerate.”

  I looked back and Marcie and Gwen were holding the doors shut leaning their backs into them. Was there still some of my old best friends inside of them?

  That night was not fun let me tell you. Now that Gwen had unlocked my speaking again, fountains of anger spewed out. The Lemonts were not amused by 'my behavior' with the principal. I vented on them about the treatment I was receiving there. The stupid classes they put me in, Ms. Danner following me around. They grounded me. Umm OK, where the heck was I going to go?

  The next morning they brought me to school for a meeting between them, Mrs. Green and the principal. I left the office an hour later much happier. I would be able to pick an elective instead of the special education class and got put into algebra instead of remedial math. And I would no longer 'require' a helper if I stayed out of trouble.

  I received a week of after school detention for my outbursts and running from the Principal. Which I took happily, that's like a normal kid would get.

  The Lamonts had asked Mrs. Green to find another foster home as I was too 'trying' on them. That day was just full of wins for me!

  In sixth period, Gwen and Marcie were rude to me and I smiled to myself. Glad that I'm sorting out my 'after life' as I started calling it, with my old life.

  Then in detention I almost snorted. Five kids besides me, two being Gwen and Marcie for helping me escape yesterday. I swear I caught a hint of a smile from Gwen.

  I found out a couple days later that the court system believes that my mother's life was only worth three months in prison and three years of probation for vehicular manslaughter. The court mandated the drunk pay a quarter million dollars restitution, which the man pays little chunks of monthly like clockwork, like it will earn my forgiveness. That will never happen, I can't forgive myself for getting mom killed, how can I forgive him for the actual act?

  The next few years were filled with the same. Switching foster homes every few months. People treating me like the plague or with pity. Gwen and Marcie being my bitchy rocks, my anchors, my ports in the storm, a vent for my anger. The rest as they say, is history. God I missed my friends.

  Chapter 12 – Lifeline

  I was brought back to the present. But I lost Marcie, and the things she said... They don't make sense. I wanted my friends back so badly but Gwen made sure they never changed... I didn't understand. And... I'm gay. But now Marcie is gone. Everybody leaves. And now the woman I'm damn sure I was too stupid to realize I had fallen in love with was going to leave me too. Everyone leaves me.

  Except Gwen. The bitch queen has been the only solid thing in my life, never changing, always there, being infuriating. The one thing that brought stability to the chaos. I hated her for so much. Especially now. Sarah is my life now, but she was going to take her away from me too. I need Sarah as much as I need breathing. But as much as I hated Gwen. I needed a lifeline or I would lose myself to the anger again. I... needed her. I needed my best friend back. The old Gwen.

  That's it! I'm going to fix everything. I grabbed my purse and pulled out the green envelope. This is why! This is why I could never fix things! I never gave this to her! I can fix it now! Everything was my fault. Mom is dead because of me but I can fix this one thing. I'm going to get my friend back and I'm not going to let Sarah leave me. I sat up and proceeded to puke all over the bed. God I'm drunk.

  I fell onto the floor again trying to get into my chair. I dragged myself up into the seat after a couple tries, after realizing the wheel brakes weren't on. I then pulled the bedspread off and crammed it into the hamper by the bathroom. I rinsed my mouth out then went back to the little side table and looked at
the keys in the can. Damn it! I can't touch them. I put the entire can in my purse and made sure the green envelope was back in its place then called a cab.

  - - -

  Getting up the stairs was quite interesting. I don't know how I got so broken that I drank. I swore I would never drink. I was rethinking my plan here. What was I doing here? I thought of Sarah. I couldn't stop my smile. Oh yeah. That's what I'm doing. After what seemed like an hour or so I finally made it up the steps and stopped as I was reaching for the door. I heard voices inside. Gwen, Marcie... my heart started beating faster, and Sarah!

  I leaned in close to listen at the door.

  Marcie was asking, “You never would say. Why did we need to keep being mean to Reese after that summer? You had said you wanted her back in the fold before the accident. It didn't make sense.”

  Gwen hissed, “Because it is all my fault. Her mom is dead because of me. She's in that chair because of me.”

  Sarah's sweet voice was asking, “How was it your fault? You aren't making any sense.”

  Gwen's tone sounded as though she thought it was obvious. “I was such a self absorbed fool back then. We were the best of friends the three of us. I can truthfully say they were the happiest times of my life. But then Reese started, ummm... developing before us and everyone's attention was swinging to her. I was petty, and jealous that I wasn't the center of attention anymore.”

  She paused. “I was so cruel... WE were so cruel to her. I pushed her away. My first true friend, and I pushed her away. I could see she was hurting but I kept pushing. But after a bit I realized I was hurting too, that I missed her so much. My pettiness pushed away one of my two best friends. I needed her back, I didn't care if she was more popular. So I gave her a note, asking her to my birthday party that summer.”