Five Feet or Less

by Erik Schubach

She sounded far away. “Reese dropped off a note at my house that night and ran away before I got to the door. She promised to be there! I was so excited. You remember Marcie. You told me to shut up about it whenever I talked about it and said she promised. We could fix it. Get our friend back.”

  Then her voice was a little hoarse. “But my birthday came. I kept telling mom not to start the party that Reese had promised she would be there. God I cried so hard that night when she never showed up. It was too late to fix all the damage I had done. I was poison. I tried calling. I called for days and left countless voice-mail messages, countless emails. Not a single one was returned. She was ignoring me. She didn't think I was worth it. I was so sad, and that turned to anger. How dare she promise, then not show up. She did it just to be a bitch! I was angry at her the whole summer.”

  I think she was crying now. “Then half my soul was torn away that first day of junior high when she came through the doors in that wheelchair. I swear I was on the brink of a breakdown. I had to find out what was going on. We went to the computer lab and did what I should have done weeks before. I Googled Reese Qualls.”

  I heard her suck in a deep breath. “They were two blocks from my house when that drunk driver hit them. She was coming just like she promised. Her whole life was taken from her because she was coming to MY birthday party like she promised. She lost her mom, she lost her legs, she lost her home. Everything was gone. I hated myself so much in that instant. Here I was was angry at her perceived indiscretion when I had taken her whole life away. For what? A fucking party? It was all my fault, if I hadn't have pushed her away before, none of this would ever have happened.”

  She blamed herself? It was all my fault not hers. She sounded so broken. Sarah started to talk but Gwen broke her off. “You don't understand what I took from her. It wasn't just her mom, her legs, her home. I took the world from her. Her infinite possibilities, her universe shrunk down to five feet or less. That's how far she can reach in that godforsaken chair. Five feet. Anything beyond that may as well be a million miles away. Think about that. If you can't reach something, you just jump or grab a stool or a ladder. You get something stuck in a tree, you climb it to get it.”

  She sucked in another breath. I was fighting back a panic attack as I listened. “I took all that from her. If it is above five feet it may as well not exist to her. I make sure anything she could ever need is below that mark here. Our apartment, her little world that she hides in. If a bulb goes out, I change it before she sees. If I see her have problems reaching something, I make sure to put it lower the next time. She deserves a real life, not what I confined her to. I don't want her to ever have to think about what is above five feet... ever. So the world just needs to come down to her.”

  She... she did that? That's why I never felt handicapped at home?

  She paused for a few seconds. “But anyway, once I found out and I saw how appalled and scared she was with the way people were treating her now. How differently... I resolved to make sure there was one thing, just one single thing in her life that hadn't changed. I missed my friend so much, I wanted her back so badly, but I couldn't change. She needed a lifeline. So I kept on being a bitch to her, though it eats away at what is left of my soul every time I do it. She lost her world but I could be the same for her, unchanging. We, Marcie, could be the same for her. I came up with that name that tastes like acid every time I say it... Wheels.”

  She WAS my lifeline. She did that for me? She sounded so pained, I should leave, I've caused her too much pain already.

  But I froze when she continued. “At school, I don't know how many days of detention or suspensions I went through for protecting her from the teasing and cruelty of the other students. The word spread quickly that Marce and I would kick the asses of anyone who even looked at her cockeyed. Just ask Kimberly Jones.” Someone snorted, I think it was Marcie.

  She sounded reflective. “Then graduation came. I had a chance to protect her still. Marcie and I found a place that we could entice her to live with us at. I knew we could, I had an ace up my sleeve. I knew she was gay long before she did. I still don't think she realizes it. She had a mega-crush on me. All I had to do was make her look at me and I can just smile and get her to do anything.”

  That's how she has played me for so long... I know that she is right though. I'm so frigging in love with Sarah I have to be gay.

  She took a deep breath. “Marcie, I'm so sorry. You wanted to stop our act for so long, but I just couldn't change. I had to be the same... for her. It cost us our friendship and I'm so sorry Marce. I couldn't handle seeing Reese just wasting away in the apartment and never meeting anyone. I came up with the scatterbrained idea to be... WITH Reese, to give her a relationship that it looked like she would never have. I'm so sorry I convinced you to sleep with me to see if I was capable of doing it for Reese. I couldn't, I'm not wired that way it seems. And I'm sorry that was the final straw. I wish I could fix us too, but I am poison.”

  God I was getting dizzy, was it the alcohol or just my brain trying to process everything she was saying. Her voice lost all emotion. “Then you showed up Sarah. I didn't know what your game was with Reese at first. But I found quickly that you really loved her. Reese didn't understand her own feelings. I finally realized that you are the best thing in her life. That's when I went over to your place to threaten you to never hurt her. That was my warped way of giving you my blessing. But now it doesn't matter. Because of me and all my lies, Reese somehow found out. I chased her away. I just want my old friend back. I know she can never forgive me for getting her mom killed and getting her stuck in that chair, but I still just want my friend back.”

  She... wasn't taking Sarah away? She was giving her blessing? Then why did I run? Oh God I am so stupid! She was sobbing now. Sarah was consoling her. “None of that was your fault. It was the drunk driver. Not you! Is that why you started cutting yourself? You think it is your fault?”

  Marcie almost shrieked, “What!? You're cutting? Gwen!”

  That shocked me so much I backed away from the door. Too far. Then I was tumbling and crashing down the stairs. I was in and out of consciousness as I heard many doors opening and people running down stairs. There were lots of voices, I could pick out Sarah, Gwen and Marcie from the group.

  Something like. “She's drunk.” “Mr. Underman, grab the chair, I got her.” “Is she OK?” “Just bumps and bruises.”

  Everything came back into focus as someone was carrying me into the apartment. I looked into these amazing green eyes that were filled with tears. I smiled stupidly, “Gawd you're pretty Sarah.”

  She giggled nervously as she laid me on the couch. “And you're drunk Ree. I thought you didn't drink.”

  I shrugged. “I was confused. It was today you know.”

  She nodded. “I know.”

  The other girls were there. Sarah sat and rested my head in her lap and a crying Gwen held my legs up then sat and draped them over her and Marcie's lap. Sarah was stroking my hair as I drifted off.

  Chapter 13 – The Envelope

  I don't know how long I slept but I woke up and my head hurt, a lot, I was still slightly tipsy. On top of that, my 'everything' hurt. I guess tumbling down some stairs strapped into a wheelchair will do that to you.

  I looked up into the smiling face of the red headed sprite that always takes my breath away. I glanced down. Gwen and Marcie were asleep. It was dark outside. I could feel the blush on my face, I was so embarrassed. I squeaked out in a tiny voice, “Hi?”

  She started stroking my hair again. “Don't you 'hi' me Ree. I'm mad at you! You scared the hell out of me... TWICE!” But she grinned and relaxed. “Oh hell... hi.”

  I reached a hand up and rested it on her cheek. She leaned in as the girls stirred. Marcie smiled, “Welcome back to the land of the living, lush.”

  Oh God, why can't I shrink away into nothingness? Since I couldn't escape that way or with my awesome mind powers, I just grinned sheepishly and gave her and
Gwen a tiny wave.

  Gwen looked down with stress and fear on her face. “How long were you out there? How much did you hear?”

  I closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath. “Everything. I came back to get my friends back and to make sure I didn't lose Sarah. But it sounds like my friends – never left. I...”

  Sarah was interrupting, “Where were you? Why didn't you call? Why would you do that to us?”

  I felt even worse now. I was so stupid, so selfish. I squinted at the lamp on the side table, it hurt to look at it. “I... I was just confused. Marcie said... but you called. I thought Gwen was going to... I don't know. I thought you were going to leave. Everybody leaves. The only thing of my past that never changes is Gwen... my anchor... even Marcie left. I went to a motel to think. I just freaked out this morning... today was the day. Why are the lights so loud?”

  Sarah was stroking my hair. As she almost whispered. “I'm not going anywhere Ree. And you deserve that hangover. What were you doing drinking?” Marcie nodded in agreement.

  I shrugged. “People keep saying that alcohol dulls the pain. They lie.”

  I quickly looked at Gwen and looked down as I admitted, “Why do you blame yourself? It was all me. Mom is dead because of me. I deserve to be in my chair.”

  In unison all three girls were shaking their heads. I spoke quietly in case the universe was listening. “You don't understand.” I hurt so bad inside, I wish I could cry.

  Sarah turned my head and locked eyes with me. Gawd her eyes were stunning. I pursed my lips for a second and confessed all. “I missed my best friends so much back then. I didn't know what I had done wrong to turn them against me in the sixth grade but I would have done anything to get them back.”

  I looked at Gwen and Marcie then closed my eyes and laid my head back in Sarah's lap. “Then on the last day of school, it was like someone had been listening to my prayers and Gwen asked me to her birthday party. I can't tell you how elated I was. There was a chance. A chance I could fix whatever it was that I did. A chance to get them back. I wracked my brain trying to figure out the perfect gift. I finally got it, but I had to wait until they went on sale... the day of the party.”

  I took a deep shuttering breath. “I begged mom to drive me and for money to get the gift. She gave in to my relentless nagging with a smile. We were going to be late to the party, but I needed to wrap the gift. I decided to put it in a card. But it needed to be in a green envelope. Gwen's favorite color is green you know.”

  I glanced at her and her eyes were wide and Marcie was nodding. “We hit three stores on the way to Gwen's house but none had green envelopes. Mom told me just to pick one. She didn't understand. It had to be perfect. To win my friend back. I begged her and we tried another out of the way store. She smiled and told me it would be the last place we stopped. That's why we were coming from the other direction to the party. Because I just had to have a fucking green envelope.”

  I hurt so bad. My emotions were everywhere but I promised I wouldn't cry. “Then we got hit. That's why mom is dead. That's why I'm in that chair. That's why I lost my friends... my home... my freedom. Because I coerced mom into helping me get a god damned green envelope! I deserve everything I got.”

  Gwen and Marcie were crying and stroking my legs. I so wanted to cry, but I don't deserve to. I looked around frantically. “But I can fix it... I can... where's my purse?” I started panicking. “I came back to fix it. And to keep Sarah from leaving. I can. I know I can. I need my purse. I need my best friend back.” I was babbling and sitting up, looking around frantically, where was my chair my purse?

  Sarah put a hand on my shoulder, calming me instantly as she reached down on the ground and retrieved my purse. I snatched it from her. I dug around in my purse and pulled out the can with my keys in it and handed it to Gwen and Marcie who looked into it. I shrugged, “I took a cab.” They smiled a little when they realized what they were holding.

  I looked around, they all had worried looks on their faces. No no no... no worries... I can fix this. Where is it? I found the old, wrinkled, bloodstained green envelope and thrust it at Gwen. I blurted out, “Happy birthday! I miss my friend.”

  She took it like it would burst into flames. Was that a look of horror? No! This is supposed to make everything alright! She timidly opened it. And pulled out the Hello Kitty card, she loved Hello Kitty back then. The three tickets to the Mandy Harris concert fell out. She looked at them and was starting to hyperventilate. That was the last conversation we had before I made the girls mad at me somehow. She had raved about how much she'd love to see Mandy Harris in concert.

  She opened the card and started to read it out loud. I knew what I wrote in there by heart. “Gwen, I have missed you so much these past few months. I'm so very sorry for whatever I did to make you mad at me. I will do anything I can to make it up to you, just say the word. You have always been there for me, my own personal super hero. Just let me know what I can do to fix us, how I can be there for you. You made me so happy when you invited me to your party. Happy Birthday. I love you and I want my best friend back. Will you take me back? -Reese-”

  She had stopped breathing and put a hand across her mouth with more tears silently falling... Marcie was wiping away tears on her own face. I was looking at Gwen expectantly, waiting for her answer as Sarah continued to stroke my hair, I could feel her ragged breathing.

  Gwen suddenly stopped crying and put a look of determination on her face as she lifted my legs to slide out an stand right in front of me on the couch. Then bent down and lifted me from Sarah's lap into a sitting position and hugged me desperately. Whispering, “Of course. I missed you so much too Reese.”

  That is the first time she said my name to me since the accident. I finally started crying uncontrollably. But I wasn't sad. I was happy. It turned into a four way hug fest as we finally settled down.

  I then suddenly stiffened at a memory and shot an admonishing look at Gwen. “Show me!”

  She looked confused for a second then understood, she looked so ashamed as she rolled down her waistband to show a bandage and lots of little straight scars on her hip. I pulled her into a hug.

  Sarah finally spoke for the first time in quite a few minutes. “Gwen, you need to get help.” Then she looked at me. “Both of you need to get help. Promise me. I'll be there for both of you, you are not alone!”

  Marcie chimed in, “Me too.”

  Sarah reinforced it. “Promise!”

  I glanced at Gwen and we locked eyes, then we both sheepishly nodded.

  Sarah then spoke firmly to us like a mother chastising her children, “That accident was nobody's fault but the drunk driver! Gwen, you invited Reese to your party to try to get your friend back... for love. Reese, you wanted to get your friends back. You wanted everything to be perfect... for love. Your mother drove you around to help you on your quest to win your friend back. Like any good mother would do... for love! Love is NEVER a bad thing. It was all that damn idiot who got behind the wheel when he had been drinking that is at fault. You all did the right thing, he did the wrong thing. But even after the tragedy, none of you are broken because he couldn't take away the one important thing... the love.”

  We were all silent for a minute after that. She was right. Sarah is smarter than any of us. It felt like the elephant that had been sitting on my chest for nine years was gone.

  I looked up into Sarah's eyes, I could live in those emerald gems forever. Then I said. “I need to tell you something important. But not like this. Tomorrow.”

  She was nodding at me and kissed my cheek. This time I knew there was some lip contact at the corner. My heart felt like a hummingbird's, going a million miles a second. Then she friggin' smiled at me and I melted into a puddle right there on the couch.

  Marcie grabbed Gwen's shoulders and walked her to their room. I hope Marcie comes back to us. Sarah stood and pulled my banged up chair around from the back of the couch and just started walking toward my room. I transf
erred to my chair then wheeled after her.

  I didn't question her, we didn't talk. She turned her back as I got into bed and changed into my night clothes then she joined me in bed and just held me until sleep claimed me again. I felt so safe in her arms.

  Chapter 14 – Look You in the Eyes

  I woke up feeling less hungover and extremely warm. Mmmm... I could smell chocolate. Sarah was still behind me holding me possessively. I snuggled in. I would soak this in for as long as she was aslee... my thought was interrupted by her sweet voice. “There she is.”

  I turned back and grinned at her. “I thought you were asleep.”

  She grinned back then released my waist and sat up with her back to the wall. “I was having too much fun watching you snore.”

  I rolled my eyes playfully. “Sorry for not calling. Not... I don't know. I was just so... I'm sorry.”

  She put a finger on my lips to quiet me, I wanted so bad to kiss it as she said. “It's all in the past. Let's just concentrate on you and Gwen getting better.” I nodded.

  I scooted to the edge of the bed and transferred to my chair. “I need to get cleaned up. I reek. Will you stay? I know you have to work, but I need to talk to you... to ask you something.”

  She just nodded and wandered out to the living room as I grabbed some clothing and wheeled into the bathroom.

  I took the time to look at myself and examine my chair. Just a couple dings and some scraped paint. I looked a mess. My head hurt. Gawd I was never going to even look at alcohol again.

  I showered and dressed in an outfit much like the one I met her mother in. Jeans are a pain to put on, but I needed them for this. I did my hair and put on some light makeup then wheeled quickly to my room.

  I could smell fresh coffee and hear all the girls talking. I grinned, that means Sarah has met zombie Gwen and zombie Marcie.

  I stared at my closet door with trepidation. I made up my mind and opened the door and dug out the bundle wrapped in an old sheet from the back and put it on the bed.