How to Break Your Own Heart

by Maggie Alderson

  The combination of the rich curry, the gassy beer and all the revelations kept me awake most of the night. I felt desperately sorry for Kiki and suddenly her concern, all those months before, about me and Ed sleeping separately made sense. It wasn’t just interfering nosiness. She couldn’t bear to see someone who ostensibly could have children throwing the chance away.

  And it made me understand a lot of other things about her. The relentless partying and her resistance to being in a settled relationship, plus the angry way she had reacted that time when I had pushed her on the baby issue, all fell into place now – although it still didn’t excuse the way she had behaved with regard to me and Joseph.

  I felt terribly sorry for him as well, now I knew his full story – the thing about the baby not being his was really awful – but that still didn’t excuse his behaviour to me. ‘JR the cockmeister’, Dick had called him, and that nickname said it all. And Kiki had called him a ‘pantsman’, I remembered. There was no getting over it. Joseph Renwick had been a shocking Lothario at eighteen and he still was at forty.

  He may have told Dick he had been faithful to his wife, but I didn’t believe it for a minute, and while I might feel sympathy for his situation, I still didn’t want any part of him. Well, I did, and one part in particular, but I wasn’t going to let myself go near it. He was used goods.

  By the end of that week the house in Highgate was finished, and I could finally go down to Winchelsea again. It was the first time for a month, and I was so happy at the prospect I spent most of the journey gazing out of the train window at the beautiful Kent and Sussex countryside speeding past in its full high-summer glory.

  I sighed with relief when I opened the back door and stepped into my lovely familiar kitchen with its window looking over to Hermione’s house, with her wonderful pink roses scrambling over the hedge.

  Before I even changed into my weekend clothes, I rushed out to see what was going on in my garden and was amazed to see I had a mass of runner beans up the bamboo wigwams, where only leaves and stems had been before. I remembered putting the seedlings in with Hermione months ago, and now there was this great harvest.

  I rushed through Checkpoint Charlie to share my excitement. She wasn’t in the garden, so I ran up to the house. The French windows were open as usual, but when I called out, she didn’t answer. I went inside and could see her lunch plate, with a half-eaten cucumber sandwich on it, on the counter, so she was clearly around.

  I found her eventually in the greenhouse, and I knew immediately she was dead. She was lying on the floor, her gardening gloves on, her hat fallen off to one side, her blue eyes open but the spark entirely gone.

  I crouched down to touch her face. It was stone-cold. I put my head to her chest, and there was nothing there. I think I let out something like a howl of shock and then I bent down to kiss her lovely old face. My tears wet her cheek.

  ‘Oh, Hermione,’ I said, smoothing her white hair. ‘I’m going to miss you so much. Thank you for being my friend, the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. I love you so much.’

  I sat there sobbing over her until I realized I had to do something. I stood up, turned around and then sat down again. So this is panic, I told myself, trying to take a few deep breaths to recover my senses. I’d left my mobile phone back at my place, but I didn’t want to leave her to get it.

  ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ I said stupidly, after a moment, and then rushed into her house to call the police. I didn’t know what else to do. They told me not to move the body and to call her doctor.

  While I was waiting for someone to come, I went round to tell her other neighbour, Joyce, the one who did her shopping, and I was very relieved to find she knew where Hermione kept everything, perfectly filed ready for this moment, right down to her preferred undertaker. Joyce came back to the house with me and took over the arrangements, while I sat in the greenhouse with Hermione. I couldn’t bear to leave her on her own.

  I lit a candle, in her favourite lily of the valley scent – muguet, she always called it – and sat with her, stroking her cold hand and telling her all that she had done for me and why I would never forget her.

  After a while the doctor came and officially declared her dead, the police came and took a statement from me and the neighbour, and then, finally, I sent Hermione off in the undertakers’ van with a bouquet of her favourite roses next to her. I stood outside, tears coursing down my face, watching it drive away.

  It was after six when I went back to my house, and I knew I couldn’t spend the night there alone. I needed a friend more than I ever had, but who to call?

  Ed? So tempting, but too complicated. There was too much going on with all our other issues for him to be a comfort with this one. And if he was too nice to me, I would probably cave in, and all my hard work trying to adjust to life without him over the past few weeks would be for nothing. I’d be back where I started.

  Dick? It was Friday, so he was probably already in the pub and, even if he did come, he’d be useless. He was not great in any area that involved intense emotion, apart from England rugby matches.

  Louise would have been great, but she’d need to charter a helicopter from Cornwall, not to mention the childcare issues. Joseph? Forget it. I might need to call another ambulance after I attacked him with a carving knife. My mum? It was Friday night, Dad would be tired and expecting his dinner on the table. I wasn’t going to risk making trouble for her.

  That left one person: Kiki.

  I had felt so desperately hurt by her, but I still knew she would be the perfect support in this situation. My hands shook a little as I dialled her number, and I was relieved when she answered immediately. Although I shouldn’t have been surprised. Kiki never missed a phonecall – it might be an invitation.

  ‘Kiki?’ I said in a very small voice.

  ‘Amelia?’ she said, clearly amazed. ‘Is that really you? At last. Are you OK?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘And I know I’ve got a cheek ringing you out of the blue like this, but I really need a friend tonight, and you are one, in spite of everything.’

  ‘Whatever’s happened?’ she said, sounding genuinely concerned. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘I’m at the cottage,’ I said. ‘I came down earlier and I found Hermione – you remember, my lovely neighbour? She’s dead, Kiki.’ I burst into tears.

  ‘Oh, baby girl,’ said Kiki. ‘ That’s terrible, I know how much you loved her. Do you want me to come down? I’ll get the next train.’

  ‘Please, I’d be so grateful.’

  ‘I’m on my way,’ said Kiki. ‘I’ll call you from the train.’

  She rang me again about forty minutes later.

  ‘OK, sweetie, I’m on my way. I’ll be with you in another hour and a bit but, before I arrive, I have to clear something up with you. I want to be there for you tonight in your sadness and I don’t want any of that other bullshit getting in the way. OK?’

  ‘OK,’ I said, in a really tiny voice. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear whatever it was she was going to tell me, but I needed a friend so badly I couldn’t really object.

  ‘What happened that night at Ollie’s party…’ said Kiki. I started to speak, to tell her not to worry about all that now, but she interrupted me. ‘No, Amelia. You need to know this. You have to let me tell you. I did sleep with Joseph, that’s true, but only once. The night of that party, when I first met him, he stayed that night – and only that night.’

  So that was who she had been with that morning when I rang her from the park, I realized. Even in my shocked state, it all fell into place.

  ‘But that was the only time, and it meant nothing to me, Amelia. You know what I’m like with men. Each one is just a new toy for me. I play with it non-stop until I am bored and then I want another one. So I did root him, but only the once, and he never bloody stopped talking about you the whole time. It was really boring.

  ‘So whatever Ollie said that night at his engagement party – he was drunk and just
trying to stir things up, as usual, he feels awful about it – Joseph wasn’t two-timing you with me. It was a one-night stand ages before you got with him, when you were still very much with Ed. So forgive me – and forgive him, Amelia. Give the guy another chance. He’s a good man.’

  I promised I would, although he was really the last thing on my mind at that moment. I just wanted my girlfriend to be there to hug me and make me laugh – especially as now I knew I had been wrong about the Joseph thing, I could love her unreservedly again.

  29

  It seemed like forever waiting for Kiki to arrive, so I busied myself getting a tray of drinks ready – Campari and sodas and a bowl of Twiglets in honour of Hermione and our weekend evening ritual.

  I shed a few more tears as I cut up slices of orange to go in the drinks; Hermione had always made them with orange. It was still barely sinking in that I would never again sit on that terrace with her, drinking our sundowners and chatting so happily. There was so much I hadn’t asked her, and now I never could, but I was just grateful for having known her at all. If I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, she had shown me how to do it in style.

  I sat down heavily at the table and was about to pick up my glass when I heard an unmistakable sound: the clip clip clip of high heels on the brick path.

  ‘Cooee, Meelie girl,’ called Kiki. ‘I’m here.’

  I rushed out to meet her, practically knocking her over in my enthusiasm.

  ‘Oh, Kiki,’ I said, giving her a huge hug. ‘ Thank you so much for coming. I’ve been so awful to you, and you were my friend all along. I had it all wrong and I’m so sorry.’

  ‘That’s all ancient history,’ she said, hugging me back. ‘I’m just happy you finally know the truth, you obstinate old sausage. We all tried so hard to get the message through to you, but you just wouldn’t listen. Anyway, you know now. I am a total ho, you were right about that, but Joseph is not a bastard. Anyway, let’s forget all that. Tell me everything about Hermione. I am so sorry, I know how fond you were of her.’

  We sat at the table and, after raising a toast to girlfriends – young and old, living and dead – I told Kiki the whole story about coming down and finding Hermione in the greenhouse. And then, somehow, in that way she had, Kiki managed to get out of me everything that had happened in the months since I had last seen her at Oliver and Sonny’s engagement party.

  I told her how I’d found a place to live on my own and how I’d tried one last time to sort it out with Ed, but that his stubborn intransigence about having kids had finally made it impossible and I was just working up the courage to tell him I wanted a divorce.

  Kiki looked very serious as she listened, and I suddenly remembered what Dick had told me about her not being able to have children. Some time I would ask her about that – but this was definitely not it. I had other, more pressing questions for her.

  ‘That’s enough about me, actually, Kiki,’ I said. ‘I’m really sick of me – and I’ve got something I desperately want to ask you.’

  She nodded encouragingly. ‘Ask,’ she said.

  ‘OK – why the hell did you tell Leo Mecklin about me and Joseph? He only bloody told bloody Ed. And why on earth are you selling your beautiful art collection through him and his heinous father?’

  Kiki threw back her head and roared. ‘Oh, that all got back to you, did it? Genius. The jungle drums – they never fail me. Except they did this time…’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, even more bewildered than before.

  ‘I had tried everything else I could think of to make you listen to me – did Ed give you the letter I sent you via him, by the way?’ I shook my head. ‘Hmmm,’ said Kiki. ‘I wondered about that. Anyway, I was trying everything, then I thought, what can I do that would make you so furiously cross you would ring me up to abuse me and then I could tell you the truth about me and Joseph and everything would be all right again?’

  I had to laugh. ‘Well, you certainly succeeded in making me cross,’ I said, ‘but that just made me less likely to ring you. I don’t think you understand the English as well as you think you do, Kiki. But tell me, are you really selling your beautiful paintings through those creeps? They’ll rip you off, you know.’

  ‘No, of course I’m not,’ she chuckled. ‘I was just stringing them along. I thought I’d get two for the price of one. Piss you off enough so you’d phone me – and teach that slimy piece of shit Leo Mecklin not to mess with me. You should have seen him preening about having acquired “ The Wilmott Collection” for dispersal. I so enjoyed ringing his father to say I’d changed my mind because of Leo’s incompetence.’

  ‘How did Leo mess with you?’

  ‘He told a lot of people that he’d slept with me.’

  ‘Yuck!’ I said.

  ‘Quite,’ said Kiki. ‘I might be a ho, but I’m not a desperate ho.’

  I laughed, so happy to be enjoying her lively company again. Then, as I looked at her dear, familiar face, something else occurred to me that I really needed to ask her.

  ‘Kiki,’ I said. ‘I need to ask you another serious favour.’

  ‘Ask,’ she answered, spreading her hands in a gesture of giving.

  ‘Will you come back into business with me?’

  She jumped up and ran around the table to hug me. ‘You bet,’ she said. ‘I have been sooooo bored.’

  ‘But there’s one condition,’ I added, in a pretend serious voice, when she sat down again. ‘You’ve got to come back as a formal 49 per cent partner, right up front or no deal. OK?’

  ‘Deal!’ said Kiki, clinking her glass against mine.

  She drained it and made panting noises like a thirsty dog, so I took the hint and got up to mix some more drinks. I glanced over at her from the dresser where I was cutting more orange slices and saw she was looking around the room with narrowed eyes.

  ‘What?’ I asked her. I knew Kiki well enough to know she was framing one of her big questions.

  ‘So now you and Ed really are in separate beds…’ she said.

  I had to smile, but I sighed deeply at the same time. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘And separate flats, like I told you, and separate lives for ever.’

  ‘Are you very sad about it?’ she asked, with uncharacteristic gentleness, as I sat down again and passed her drink across the table.

  I thought for a moment. I had been ineffably sad about it, but somehow now that Hermione had died I felt like a whole chapter of my life had formally ended – which made it possible that a new one could begin. As I took a deep drink of my Campari, I felt the first glimmer of a possibility that it might be a happier one.

  So much had changed in my life in the brief few months since I had first sat in that kitchen with Kiki, I now understood how stagnant it had been for so long before that. I had really needed things to change, although I hadn’t known it then.

  ‘Yes,’ I said eventually, ‘I am sad. Desperately sad. Ed has been my best friend since I was twenty-one, and I really miss him. But I’m also sad that he is so intransigent about things that he won’t risk the one change that might make things better in the long run – so it has to be this way.’

  ‘Do you think you can really move on now?’ said Kiki.

  ‘Yes, I think I can,’ I said with all honesty.

  ‘So are you going to give Joseph another chance then?’ she asked, with her usual bluntness.

  I slumped slightly. Kiki always pushed it one notch further than I was ready to go. ‘No,’ I said, determinedly. ‘I need a break from men. It’s all too confusing. I need to lie fallow for a bit longer.’

  ‘Oh, that’s a pity,’ said Kiki, and as she took another drink I could see a dangerous twinkle in her eyes over the rim of the glass. I knew that look all too well.

  ‘Why?’ I said, getting wary.

  Kiki giggled. ‘Because he’s waiting in the car outside…’

  ‘What car?’ I spluttered, focusing in my shock on the least important part of her statement. ‘You said you
were coming on the train. And anyway, you can’t drive… and you haven’t got a car and neither has Joseph.’

  ‘No,’ said Kiki. ‘But your brother Dick has. It’s his car. He lent it to us to come down here.’

  ‘Well, you arranged that quickly,’ I said, my brain still stuck in the inconsequential details of the situation.

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, look out of the window,’ said Kiki, hoicking an ice cube out of her glass and throwing it at me.

  I stood up and looked out over the front lawn to where I could see Dick’s ridiculous four-wheel-drive truck parked by the garden gate. And back-lit by the evening sun, I could clearly see Joseph’s profile on the driver’s side.

  At the moment I looked out, he put his head back and moved it from side to side, rubbing his neck with his hand. The sight of his extended, vulnerable throat, the Adam’s apple standing out, made me emit something close to a whimper. Another ice cube whizzed past my head.

  ‘Stop it!’ I yelled at Kiki.

  ‘Well, go out and see him,’ she said.

  I picked the wet dishcloth up from the side of the sink and threw it at her. ‘I’m just getting over the shock,’ I said.

  The third flying ice cube jolted me out of it, and I raced to the back door, pausing to kiss Kiki on the top of her hair as I went past.

  As I ran up the path I saw Joseph’s head shoot round. His handsome face broke into a broad smile when he saw me, which he immediately tempered down, presumably as he remembered why he was down there.

  By the time I had reached the car, he was out of it, and I ran straight to him and flung my arms around him. It had been too emotional a day for any lesser show of feeling.

  ‘Meals,’ he said, softly, pulling me into his broad embrace. ‘I’m so sorry about Hermione…’

  ‘I’m so sorry about everything,’ I said, looking up at him. ‘Kiki has told me the whole story, and I shouldn’t have jumped to such stupid conclusions. I should have given you a chance to explain.’

  ‘I should have told you right at the start what had happened between me and Kiki. I was an idiot, but I’d already fucked it up with you once, twenty years ago, and I was so scared of spoiling what we had this time…’