Remember Love

by Jessica Nelson

  "Maybe love wasn’t the motive at first, but you were always the reason." He shoved one hand over his face, rubbing in weary lines. "I’m tired of being angry. While you’re getting over my wicked ways, why don’t you go ahead and inform everyone that I never knew I had a son."

  "Excuse me?"

  "You heard me. Half the people in town can’t stand me because they think I abandoned my child."

  "What?" she stammered. She wet her lips and tried to swallow.

  "I left and nine months later you popped out a kid. What are people going to think? That Miss Perfect kept him a secret?"

  "You know what? You’re being really rude."

  "A man gets tired of being jerked around."

  "Fine." She stalked out the doorway but in the hallway turned to glare at him. "At least I’ve been upfront with you."

  "Yeah. For the last two months." He shook his head and shut the door. In her face.

  A rush of anger flowed through her, followed quickly by guilt. He was right. People thought he’d abandoned them.

  Nausea rose, burning through her and she rushed down the hallway for the elevator.

  Whether or not they got married, one thing was clear. She owed it to him to clear his name.

  By the time she reached the lobby the sick feeling had calmed. Bypassing the bathrooms, she drove home in a daze. Once there, she knelt at the couch, her fingers curling into the worn cloth. The town’s judgment mirrored her own feelings toward Alec. Why could she forgive everyone but him? The obvious answer was that his lie hurt. But maybe there was more.

  Lord, forgive me. I’ve been so judgmental, wanting Alec to fit in some prearranged compartment. He hadn’t been the only one deceiving others. She’d let the citizens of Manatee Bay wrongfully label Alec as no good. She hadn’t wanted for people to think he’d left his son, but she hadn’t set anyone straight either.

  Because she’d wanted to be the victim, rather than the perpetrator.

  Nauseated by the truth, she buried her head in her arms. She hadn’t prayed this way in a long time. As a woman unable to raise her face to God.

  Unworthy.

  Despicable.

  Deep, shuddering sobs shook her and she clung to the couch until they passed. When she rose from her knees, her heart felt lighter. Her perspective clearer. She reached for her purse again. It was time for a change.

  *****

  The widow’s house was not half as imposing as her scowl. Katrina rapped on the front door, then dropped her arms and shifted nervously on the front stoop. She could’ve called but hoped confessing in person to Manatee Bay’s biggest covert gossip would clear Alec’s name faster.

  Spiders had spun webs around the entryway. Yuck. She stepped back, away from those sticky threads.

  The door eased open and Widow Carmichael stepped into the gap between door and wall.

  "Hi, Ms. Carmichael."

  "Oh, how are you, Katrina? That dreadful man—" Her eyes slitted.

  Katrina pulled her shoulders up and lifted her chin. "Are you still in charge of the prayer chain?"

  "Yes, I am. Is there something specific you need?"

  "Prayer. It’s time this town knew about Joey."

  "That sweet boy." A modicum of real emotion crossed the elderly woman’s face.

  Shoulders loosening, Katrina moved forward. "His father. . ." Her voice caught, dried by the enormity of her deception.

  The widow nodded. "Go ahead, my sister."

  "The town should know that Alec never knew about Joey."

  "Oh, my."

  "And I need prayer to figure out a way to let them know."

  "Know what?"

  "That Alec would never have left if he’d known he had a child."

  Pale, gray lines that passed for eyebrows arched on the widow’s high forehead. "He wouldn’t have?"

  "Of course not. He’s a man of strong loyalties."

  "You don’t say."

  "This is very important to me, Widow Carmichael. It wasn’t his fault." Katrina lurched forward. Right into a web. Sucking back a squeal she stumbled backwards. The threads clung to her, across her face. A shudder ripped through her but she managed to calmly pull the web from her skin. "Can you please start the prayer chain?"

  A look scarier than the gossamer traps hidden in sunlight passed the widow’s features. "I’ll get right on it, dearie."

  *****

  "You’re crazy." The front door flew open and Rachel barged into the living room, red hair flaming.

  Katrina looked up from the floor where she was taping together a box of knick knacks. Boxes, tape, and scissors littered the floor around her. "Is this about Alec?"

  "Who do you think?" Rachel slammed the door and flopped onto the couch. "When did you start the prayer chain?"

  "This morning after I went shopping." After she’d confronted Alec.

  "Well, congratulations. It’s four o’clock and everyone knows. The whole town is talking about it."

  "What are they saying?" Amused, Katrina slid the box to the side and stretched her arms above her.

  "Would you look at me? This is a disaster." Rachel slid off the couch and brought her face to Katrina’s level.

  "Your mascara’s smeared," she couldn’t resist pointing out.

  "Do I look like I care?"

  "Careful, you’re getting into a snit."

  Rachel exhaled loudly.

  "Just keep your voice down," Katrina added, then swallowed her laugh when Rachel’s freckles disappeared beneath a crimson flush. "This is not a tragedy." She worked hard to keep humor from wobbling her voice. "What I did was wrong. Everyone should know that Joey was a surprise for Alec." She didn’t look at Rachel, afraid her friend would see the smile on her face. The last thing she needed was to give Rachel an aneurysm.

  "That’s not what they’re saying." Rachel’s face paled to its original color, but her eyes looked shiny. Like she was trying not to cry. "They’re saying you’re deceitful. That you’re a bad example and a hypocrite. Everyone thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to help with the kids in the nursery anymore and that you should be brought before the congregation for a public apology."

  "What?" Katrina’s head began to spin. "That’s ridiculous."

  "Some of the older ladies say you’re immoral anyway, having a child out of wedlock."

  "That’s absurd."

  "And they’re saying Pastor Joe knew about this."

  Katrina shrugged, though she felt far from nonchalant. "I can’t do anything about it, Rachel. Don’t cry."

  "I’m not." Rachel sniffed. "But I wish you wouldn’t have said anything. It just makes me want to slap a few people."

  "Oh, Rachel." She leaned over and hugged her friend tightly. "You’ve always been so loyal. But it really is okay. I’m not worried what people think of me."

  Rachel drew back and looked around the room. "Are you going somewhere?"

  Katrina stopped taping the box and set the tape on the floor. "My life needs a change. It’s time for me to come out of my little corner and go explore the world."

  "What about Alec."

  "I can’t marry him."

  "Why?" Rachel’s pitch shot up somewhere near the clouds.

  "You know why."

  Rachel pressed her lips together. "Your whole life you go nowhere new. You like everything around you to be the same. And now, suddenly, you want to go on some kind of spur of the moment trip? The most adventurous thing you do is sit in a different pew every Sunday."

  "Yeah, that’s why it’s got to stop. I feel like God put this desire in me for a reason."

  "The desire to go crazy?"

  "No." She stood and used her foot to push the box against the couch. "The store is a bust. I need to leave, to see new things, feel new places. Share what God has done in my life someday."

  "Okay, you can’t do that here?" Rachel stood and walked to the sliding door leading to the back yard. She pressed her forehead against the glass. "I’m sorry. You being here, it’s always been th
e most stable part of my life."

  Katrina frowned. Rachel sounded vulnerable, like a little girl who needed comforting instead of the brazen friend who tried to shield her from life. She hadn’t heard this part of Rachel in a long time. She caught her lip between her teeth and went to stand at the glass door, sliding her hand into Rachel’s.

  Outside the grass had grown too long. Parts of the yard had turned a dry brown, remnants of a summer gone, forewarning of the cold to come. Though she couldn’t see the garden from this angle, she knew what it looked like.

  Weeded, full of life, wild in its way. She loved her home.

  "I probably won’t sell the house," she said.

  "Okay." Rachel straightened, turned to her. There was a question in her eyes. "What’s up with you and Alec?"

  Katrina pulled her hands back. Her gaze returned to the yard before she turned and went into the kitchen. Rachel followed her. They sat at the table.

  "You were right about Alec," she said finally, measuring Rachel’s response.

  "I knew he was up to no good." Rachel leaned her head back and pulled the clip from her hair, letting it flow in a vibrant river down the back of the chair.

  "He’s vengeful. He lied to me." She hesitated, his last words ringing through her mind. "Do you think I’m judgmental?"

  Rachel squinted at her. "Did he say that?"

  "Kind of."

  Rachel sighed, then squirmed a little in her seat. "Sometimes, I guess. But everybody is."

  Katrina dropped her head into her hands. Probably true, she conceded, but it troubled her anyway. Peeking through her fingers, she saw Rachel’s eyes close. "Hard day?"

  "You have no idea. Finally caught the guy in the act. His wife cried when she saw the video. It was just emotionally rough."

  "Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" It would take her mind off things and maybe relax Rachel.

  "A light-hearted chick flick? Sure. I need to buy into some kind of lie right now."

  "And we’ll have ice cream."

  Rachel cocked an eye open. Katrina saw it through the cracks in her fingers. "You’ve been taking Dr. McCormick’s advice, haven’t you?"

  Katrina lifted her head and smiled. Rachel loved to be right. Let her think she was responsible for the healthy weight gain. "Let’s go get the movie. I don’t want to stay up late because tomorrow I’m going to see Anthony."

  Rachel straightened. "You know, you did a really hard thing. You forgave the guy who killed your family. Why can’t you forgive Alec?"

  Katrina grimaced. "He lied to me. Only weeks ago."

  "I think you ought to give him another chance."

  Katrina felt her eyebrows rocket up to her hairline. "Are you kidding me? This, from you?"

  "I’ve been thinking about what you said." Rachel twisted her hair back up and clipped it. "I do judge people based on my past. But Alec. . . he’s done everything he could to get you back." She paused. "Do you really want to lose him again?"

  *****

  Anthony sat by himself, the back of his chair leaning against the wall, his eyes closed. He looked relaxed in the windowless visitation room.

  Katrina hoped she wouldn’t break that peace. She quietly set the bag of books and cookies on the table and pulled a chair over. Its legs screeched against the concrete floor.

  Anthony’s eyes popped open. She made a face. "Sorry."

  "No prob." He yawned, then gestured to the table. "This stuff for me?"

  She nodded.

  He smiled. "You’re always so serious. Some people might’ve had a sarcastic comeback. Not you. I bet you’re always nice."

  "Not always." She studied him. "You cut your hair. It’s not short, but not shaggy either."

  "Yeah. Time for a change, I think. I’m about ready to take my GED."

  It was good he planned to get his GED, good he planned ahead for his future. Some of the tight pressure in her chest eased.

  She shouldn’t feel anxious. He had a right to know she was Joey’s mom, but her palms were clammy. He might feel that she’d deceived him. And she had, because she hadn’t known if she’d keep visiting him. Hadn’t wanted the personal connection until she was ready for it.

  His head cocked to the side, his gaze glued to her face. She saw that the shadows beneath his eyes were fading. Another sign of change.

  "Hey, you nervous?"

  She jolted. "Why?"

  "I just never saw anyone do that to their cheeks."

  She sucked in a breath and tried to force herself to relax. "I guess I am a little."

  "Got secrets, huh?" His face came closer.

  "Everybody does," she said slowly, tilting her chin up. Did he know already? She wouldn’t be surprised. At the time of the accident she’d been on the cover of several issues of the local news.

  Anthony leaned back, arms hanging loosely by his sides. "You stopped wearing your glasses."

  "They’re only for reading. Anthony," she paused. Oh, for courage right now. "There’s something I should tell you—"

  "Forget it. I know."

  "You do? I mean, you’ve never said anything."

  "Yeah, well, it hurt, reading the papers and stuff. Just found out a few days ago. One of the guards got me a copy of an article from the crash."

  "Anthony, I’m sorry."

  "You don’t gotta cry." His voice cracked. "I’m the one who’s sorry."

  Katrina blinked. It didn’t stop the tears.

  Anthony looked to the side, his eyes suspiciously bright in the dim room. "Why’d you come? The first time, you looked so sad. I thought you maybe made a mistake. Maybe that you were looking for a family member. Then I thought, for a long time, that you were earning some kind of points for church. You know, trying to save the sinner and all."

  Her throat clogged for a moment as she tried to formulate an answer. She swallowed. "It wasn’t a mistake or for points. I wanted to meet you. I needed to see the man who—"

  "Murdered your family?"

  "Anthony, look at me." He wouldn’t turn his head. Her hands were cold, frozen in her lap. "You didn’t murder them. It was an accident."

  "That’s not what the state says."

  "I don’t care what the state says. I forgive you, Anthony."

  She saw the way his lower lip trembled, the way his jaw thrust forward. Then he faced her, a single tear traveling slowly down his cheek to the peach fuzz on his chin.

  "I know." His lips pressed together. "I know."

  On impulse, Katrina leaned forward and gathered him in a hug. His shoulder blades quaked beneath her hands.

  "Alright, Anthony." One hand lifted to smooth his hair, just like she used to soothe Joey after a fall.

  Funny, but even though she’d been visiting Anthony for a year, she’d never touched him. And he must have needed it. Her heart ached to think of him as a toddler, reaching chubby arms out to a stranger every few weeks. Rachel’s report stated he’d been in and out of foster homes since he was a baby.

  She let him cry until finally he pulled back and wiped his arm across his eyes.

  "I guess you ought to know, I’ve decided to follow Jesus." He said it in a thick voice, eyes red-rimmed.

  The pressure that had been in her chest eased. She grabbed for his hands. "That’s wonderful. I didn’t even know you were considering something like that."

  She didn’t have to fake the joy in her voice and the flush on his face told her he’d heard it. She only hoped he hadn’t heard the surprise. After the accident, the only thing she’d prayed for was justice. And that had been after the rage passed. Then he’d been convicted and she’d stopped praying for him at all.

  Once she met him, she’d begun hoping something new. That she could forgive him. Maybe, even, that God would give her a heart to love him.

  But for him to become a Christian? That had been outside her vision.

  God was so awesome. She felt her smile grow. "How? Why?"

  "I hear a lot of people say God works in mysterious ways. Never bel
ieved it. Seemed He didn’t work at all, to my way of thinking. So I lived how I wanted. Wound up here." His eyes scurried away.

  She winced. Forgiveness couldn’t erase his guilt. Soften it, maybe. At least she hoped so, for his sake

  "Anyhow," Anthony continued, "apparently God’s been trying to speak to me. Joey’s dad came to see me."

  Her vision wavered. She took a deep breath. "He did?"

  "Yeah. He said you two aren’t married so I figured you wouldn’t know he came."

  She tried to straighten her thoughts out because they seemed to be going haywire. Why would Anthony credit Alec with his decision to follow Jesus?

  It made no sense to her. She took a deep breath, suddenly aware Anthony had fallen quiet.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  "I don’t understand. You’re saying Alec—"

  "Showed me something real." Anthony rubbed the back of his neck and then gave her a crooked grin. The smile lit his face, chasing the shadows away.

  "Did Alec lead you to Jesus?" Katrina asked it slowly, hope blossoming inside.

  "What, like a prayer or something? Nah."

  "Oh."

  "He did something better."

  She was lost. Yo-yoing between Alec’s different, Alec’s the same. And then she knew. "He forgave you, didn’t he?"

  Anthony nodded, eyes shining.

  "He visited and . . ."

  "He told me who he was and I started crying like a baby." His cheeks flushed. "The guy forgave me. Like, he just chose forgiveness. So we talked about Jesus a little, then after he left I grabbed that Bible you dropped off a long time ago and the rest is history."

  Katrina’s heart thumped a manic beat against her chest. "You became a Christian."

  "Well, first I asked to talk to Linc. He’s our cell block preacher. He showed me some stuff."

  "That’s wonderful, Anthony."

  "Hey, don’t cry again. Look, I gotta go. Bible study thingy."

  "Well, don’t forget the bag." She handed it to him as they stood. Leaning forward, she hugged him one more time.

  "I just want to say something." Anthony cleared his throat.

  She stepped back.

  "You… you’ve been real good to me. I wish. . ." He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into an awkward hug. "I wish that you’d been my mom." He let go and hurried out of the room, his new haircut exposing a bright red neck.