Coming Home

by Christine S. Feldman

  Callie hesitated. “Oh … Okay.”

  She turned her back to him and lifted the hem of her t-shirt. He had only meant to look at it, but he couldn’t resist the opportunity to touch her. Danny reached out to trace the lines and curves of the symbol, and Callie tensed beneath his hand. Her skin was as soft as silk, and it took all of his willpower to draw his hand away. “Beautiful.”

  “Thank you.” She let the shirt drop down again to cover her skin from view.

  “When did you get it?”

  “A couple of years ago. Before New York.”

  He bit into the apple. “What was the occasion?”

  Callie didn’t answer him right away. A shadow flickered over her face. “There was a guy,” she said finally. “We got close for a while, but he wanted more than I could give him, and things went south. I got the tattoo as a sort of reminder not to make the same mistake again.”

  The apple lost its sweetness. “Which was?”

  “Getting involved with someone who wanted me to be something I wasn’t.”

  Her words had the effect of ice water being thrown on him. “I see,” he said, trying to keep any trace of bitterness from his voice. He threw the rest of his apple into the underbrush, any appetite he might have had gone.

  What did you expect? he thought darkly at himself as the silence stretched awkwardly between them. She had been perfectly clear from the start about what she wanted from life, and she was reminding him of that now. It wasn’t her fault if he had let his feelings get the better of him.

  “Hot out,” Callie said with a shaky smile. “Think I’ll go cool off again.”

  She got to her feet and returned to the water, stripping her t-shirt off again at the last minute and wading in.

  He watched her go, wanting her as much as ever and cursing himself for a fool. He had done this to himself, let himself get close to her again only to know that he was going to have to say goodbye. Like the man she had spoken of moments ago, he had allowed himself to want too much.

  Danny lay back on the blanket and closed his eyes, trying to recapture his self-control.

  • • •

  Callie stayed in the water for a long time, hoping to cool off her emotions as much as her body. She loved the way he teased her, the way he had touched her. His fingers on her back had nearly been her downfall. Then she had brought them both back to earth, and she had seen the disappointment in his eyes.

  Her throat hurt, as if her words to him had choked her. She had done the last thing she had ever wanted to do, and that was to hurt him. Did he think she didn’t want him? Surely not. He must know how important he was to her. But then, how could he, if she had never told him? All she had done was leave town and break off all contact with him for four years. It had been because she had been crippled by her feelings for him, but he had no way of knowing that.

  She turned to look at him where he lay on the blanket and felt the lump in her throat grow.

  She didn’t want to leave him. Why couldn’t she stay? Why couldn’t she just ignore that nagging fear that always pushed her to keep moving? Tears threatened to spill, and she blinked them back.

  What scared her the most, though, was the thought that she wouldn’t be able to keep that inner voice smothered permanently. It was too persistent. She would have to find a way to silence it for good before she could risk getting involved with Danny and hurting him more deeply.

  At the moment, he lay so still with his eyes closed that he might be sleeping. Wading silently through the water, Callie stepped onto the beach and let her eyes roam over him. It was unnerving how much she wanted him. No other man had affected her this way before, and she guessed no other man ever would.

  With silent footfalls, she crept to the blanket and knelt down beside him, careful not to disturb him. His eyes remained closed, so maybe he really was asleep. She allowed herself to watch him a few moments longer, and then she covered her face with her hands and sighed into them. It was torture to be so close to him and not be able to touch him. Praying for self-restraint, she let her hands fall away from her face, and one of them brushed against Danny’s hand.

  His hand curled around hers before she could pull away, and she drew her breath in sharply, startled that he had not been asleep after all. His eyes remained closed, but he caressed her hand with his fingers very gently, sending sparks through her with that simple touch.

  “I missed you.” The words slipped from her in a whisper before she could stop them. She had missed him. For four years, she had missed him, even though she had seldom allowed herself to think about him. It had taken her far too long to say the words to him.

  He turned his head and opened his eyes to look at her, still massaging her fingers between his. “Did you?”

  She couldn’t speak. She could only nod.

  His eyes burned into hers. “I missed you, too.”

  She should have pulled her hand free of his by now, but instead she let him pull her slowly down to him. “Danny — ” she started, trying to muster up one final scrap of self-control.

  Cupping her head in his other hand, he cut her off by bringing her mouth to his. She put her free hand on his chest to balance herself and felt the muscles in his torso tense beneath her touch. It was a heady feeling, knowing that he wanted her the same way she wanted him.

  His lips were every bit as amazing as she had imagined they would be. A part of her was stunned to realize that it was Danny McCutcheon’s hand she felt at her waist, Danny’s breath on her skin, Danny’s lips on hers. He had been all she thought about when she was barely into womanhood, and so now it almost seemed more likely that this was all a dream instead of reality.

  He whispered her name against her mouth.

  She kissed him again, allowing her hand to slide over his bronzed skin like she had fantasized about doing for years, and he let out a guttural sound. Hesitating, she started to draw her hand away, but he put it back where it had been and rolled over until she was beneath him, careful not to crush her beneath the weight of his body. His lips left hers and traveled over her neck.

  Callie closed her eyes, knowing she should stop him, stop both of them, but completely lacking the will to do so. He tasted the skin at the base of her throat while one hand slid along the full length of her arm and finally entwined itself with hers. Callie’s free hand slipped down along his spine. His muscles were taut beneath her hand, and she knew he was struggling with himself, trying to rein in his desire so as not to overwhelm her.

  He was being so careful with her, and she was not doing the same for him. It was that thought that finally enabled her to speak.

  “This is … this is a bad idea,” she managed to say, hating the words even as she said them. Her voice faltered. “Danny?”

  He pulled back from her slightly, leaving her feeling bereft, and touched her cheek. “I know,” he said quietly.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The tears that had threatened earlier filled her eyes again.

  “Me, too.” For a moment, he buried his face against her neck as if breathing her in, and she didn’t ever want to leave.

  She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly, knowing she should let him go but struggling to do it.

  “Ah, Callie. Don’t cry.”

  “I’m not,” she said as the first tear traveled down her face.

  He sat up, taking her with him, and cradled her against himself. His breath in her ear sounded ragged, and she felt his heart racing in his chest where her cheek touched his skin.

  “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I want to, Danny, I do. But I can’t. Please try to understand.”

  She felt his fingers stroke her hair, but he didn’t say anything. Was he angry with her? Maybe he had a right to be after all of her indecisiveness. With a heavy heart, she drew back from him and searched his f
ace.

  If he was angry, he hid it well. All she saw on his face was regret. “It was my fault,” he said. “I knew better than to — ” Breaking off his words, he cupped her face between his hands, and for a moment she thought he might kiss her again. She half-wished he would. And finally he did, but it was a chaste kiss on her forehead, the kiss of a friend instead of a lover. “Come on. We should go.”

  Callie nodded, and he helped her up from the blanket before bending back down to pack things back up into the cooler.

  She watched him silently, afraid she might be making the biggest mistake of her life.

  Chapter Nine

  Neither of them said anything the whole way back to the truck, and once they got into the cab of the pick-up, Callie kept her face turned toward the side window until they reached the outfitter again.

  Danny bit back the words that he really wanted to say, namely that nothing in his entire life had felt less like a mistake than kissing her, and did she really not feel that way, too? Words like that would probably just make her run away faster.

  Idiot, he cursed himself. He had known better than to cross that line with her, had known all along that she was just passing through. Only a fool would get involved with someone that he knew would leave. Or a masochist. He liked to think that he was neither.

  So he had agreed to call it a mistake and let it go at that, or try to. And he would step back and watch her leave, he thought with a pang, because it was clearly what she wanted. Better for him to make a clean break quickly instead of trying to drag things out.

  But the pang grew sharper. He stifled it and pulled the truck into the parking lot beside Callie’s car. “So,” he said, clearing his throat. “Heat of the moment. Heat of the sun, maybe, affecting our judgment.”

  She nodded, still not looking at him. He was disappointed by her quick agreement, but not exactly surprised. She swung the passenger’s side door open. “I’ll see you,” she said stiffly over her shoulder.

  “Yeah.” And that was the only thing he could think of to say. It was just as well. He couldn’t have faked nonchalance for much longer, and he wasn’t sure she was buying it anyway.

  He watched her get into her car, and then he quickly put his truck in reverse, feeling a need to get out of there before she did. Turned out, he wasn’t up to watching her leave after all.

  • • •

  Callie’s drive home was blurred by tears. She finally pulled over to the side of the road, afraid that she was a danger to other drivers this way. It was impossible to think clearly beyond the fact that she might have just screwed up the best friendship she had ever had. And it had been stupid to think that a few memories of her visit here with Danny would be of comfort to her down the road. Instead, it would be hell on earth to think about it, knowing now exactly what it was that she couldn’t have.

  You foolish, foolish girl, she berated herself.

  She couldn’t go home yet. It was far too early, and her mother would suspect something had happened. If the shortness of their rafting trip weren’t enough to clue her in, Callie’s face would do the rest. She wiped at her tears with one hand and took a few deep breaths. When she thought her emotions were reasonably under control again, she pulled the car back onto the road.

  She didn’t know where she was going yet, and the thought made her laugh, albeit without humor. Hadn’t she lived her whole life not knowing where she was going? Why should today be any different?

  By the time she got back into town, she still had no clear idea of where she was headed, but somehow her car wound up near the park that she remembered walking through with her dad years ago. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been here. Surely she had been here once or twice after he had left, hadn’t she? But it was all vague in her mind.

  Getting out of the car, she wandered aimlessly onto a wide, grassy knoll and down to a footpath. Nothing looked familiar to her until she reached a large stone fountain. Coins covered the bottom, and Callie had a vague recollection of tossing a few pennies in with her father. Was it possible, she wondered as she ran her fingers through the water, that the very coins they had thrown in were still there? Unlikely, she supposed, feeling a wave of grief that surprised her.

  A terrible tiredness hit her, far beyond skin deep. Everything seemed to be wrong somehow, and she couldn’t escape the feeling that it had all started going wrong right here, with her father. All of her adventures on the road, all of her wild and wonderful exploits, had been a vain attempt to prove that she was all right, that his leaving hadn’t really hurt her. But she thought now that maybe she had never really gotten over it after all.

  Just ahead of her was a patch of grass beneath the overhanging limbs of a huge tree, shaded and serene. She sank down onto it and leaned back against the tree trunk, grateful for the support it lent her.

  She was so tired.

  • • •

  Callie opened the front door slowly. It was close to six o’clock now. She had spent most of the day just sitting in the park, trying to shut out thoughts of Danny and failing miserably. Her next move was easy to predict. This was the part where she packed up her things and left town because the walls were closing in.

  But this was Danny. She had walked away once before and regretted it. If she walked away again, she wasn’t at all sure that she would be able to come back. It might be too difficult to mend things now as it was. They could hardly pretend the kiss hadn’t happened.

  “Callie?”

  Her mother’s voice drifted to her from the kitchen. Callie took a deep breath and willed herself to appear calm. “I’m home.”

  “Dinner’s just about ready. Did you have a good time?”

  “Yeah, sure. Look, Mom, I’m going to take a quick shower, if that’s okay. I’ll only be a minute.”

  Her mother poked her head out of the kitchen, supporting herself quite ably with one crutch. “Are you all right? You don’t sound like yourself.”

  “Just tired.” Callie avoided her mother’s questioning look and climbed the stairs. Once in her room, she peeled off her clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the water on full blast and scrubbing herself roughly. The urge to run was strong inside of her right now. This was not the restlessness that had kept her moving from place to place the last several years. This was fear, plain and simple. Fear of not having Danny in her life anymore. Fear that she had hurt him today by giving in to a selfish urge, and fear that she could hurt him even worse if she stayed and continued to behave so recklessly.

  She shut the water off and rubbed herself dry with a towel, still none too gentle. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, her pale skin pink from the harshness of her rubbing, and wondered why she seemed to be her own worst enemy. But her mother was waiting downstairs, so there was no time to analyze herself now. She threw on her nearest clean clothes and went to meet her mother.

  The table was set with a simple meal, one with familiar classics whose scents triggered childhood memories. Rosemary mingled with chicken. It had been one of Callie’s favorites growing up, and she suspected that was why Liddy prepared it tonight. “Wow,” Callie murmured, sitting down at the table. “You made all this with a bum leg? You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble. We could have ordered in.”

  “Not tonight.” Liddy sat at the head of the table, and now she unfolded her napkin and laid it across her lap. “Besides, a body can only sit so long before going stir crazy. And I do love a challenge.”

  Callie raised her glass in salute before taking a sip of water. “That you do.”

  They ate in silence for a few minutes, seldom making eye contact. Callie began to wonder if her mother had changed her mind about the purpose of tonight’s meal. It wasn’t until their plates were nearly empty that Liddy finally spoke again.

  “So. You want to find your father.”

  At he
r mother’s words, Callie froze with her fork halfway to her mouth.

  “I’ve been doing a lot of hard thinking about this, honey.” Liddy cleared her throat and tried again. “I’ll be honest with you. This is very difficult for me to talk about. I loved your dad a lot, and when he left us, it nearly broke me. I had expected happily ever after, but I got my heart handed to me on a plate instead. It hurt a lot, Callie, and I was angry for a very long time. I honestly thought the best thing for you and Elliot was to cut out any painful reminders of your dad — and I still think you’re better off without him — but it’s very possible that my anger and hurt feelings clouded my judgment.”

  Callie put her fork down and held her breath, afraid that if she interrupted her mother, she would stop right there and go no further.

  “Please believe me, Callie, that I have never in my life wanted to do anything to hurt you.” Liddy’s voice shook slightly before she got it under control again. “And if it was a mistake to keep the details about your father locked away from you, then I’m sorry. Truly, I am.”

  Tentatively, Callie reached out her hand to her mother.

  Liddy took a deep breath and held her daughter’s hand tightly in her own. “I’m afraid that if you go looking for him, hon, that you won’t like what you’ll find. I think it will only hurt you. But maybe it’s what needs to happen so you can move forward. So … ” She reached into her pocket to pull out a folded piece of paper, which she then held out.

  With her hand shaking slightly, Callie took the paper and unfolded it to read it.

  There was a name, a phone number, and an address on it in Chicago. James Sorenson. Her father’s name.

  “I had to reach out to a couple of his old friends. He moves around a lot, kind of like you. If — when,” Liddy corrected herself, “you go to see him, don’t call first. Just go.”

  “But — ”

  “If you let him know you’re coming, sweetheart, he may be gone before you get there.”

  The words were a bit of shock.