The Girl Nobody Wants: A Shocking True Story of Child Abuse in Ireland

by Lily O'Brien

  But as I went over to open the door and to follow her, she quickly locked the door from the outside and it wouldn’t open. I shouted and kicked at the door, but Karen said, ‘Stop or she might come back and kill us.’ I looked over at her and said ok, but I put my ear next to the door instead, and I could hear the nun as she walked down the stairs. I tried the door again, but it still wouldn’t open. ‘Now what do we do?’ I said. ‘Nothing’, said Jenny. ‘Nothing but wait.’ So we all looked around the room, we sat on the beds and we told each other what we were going to do when she comes back and opens the door. After a while, I looked up at the ceiling and above me was a small window. I hadn’t noticed it at first because the top of the room was so dark, but the window was too high for me to reach, so I just sat on the bed and looked around the room again. I could see a chair, a small table and a cupboard that was painted white, the same as the walls, so it was difficult to notice. I got off the bed and walked over to the table.

  I decided that I had to try and get out of the room, so I pulled the table over towards the window and I used it to climb on, hoping that I would be able to reach the window and get out of the room that way. But the window was still out of my reach, so I got back down and I placed the small chair on top of the table and I tried again, but the window was still too high and my sisters shouted at me to get down before I killed myself. I turned around and I shouted back at them that we were all going to die anyway, then I climbed back down and I put everything back into its correct place.

  Next, I went over to the cupboard, but it was locked shut. Someone had put a big silver padlock up high on the doors and it was difficult to reach, but I was just able to pull the doors open a little and I looked inside. At first, it was hard to see inside, but as my eyes got used to the darkness I could see board games, balls and many puzzles stacked on some shelves; but then I heard footsteps, the nun was coming back. So I ran back into the middle of the room and then we all moved over on to one bed and we waited for her to open the bedroom door.

  But her keys made a rattling noise as if she was teasing us and as the door opened we expected the same grumpy old nun, but it was a different nun and she was smiling. ‘Hello, children. I’m Sister Ann and I have some food for you’, she said, and then she sat down on a bed next to us. We all looked at her and I asked her if she was going to kill us. She smiled and then I told her that I wanted to go home. ‘This is your home now’, she said, while she placed the food on top of the chest of drawers. ‘I will come back later to help you into bed’, she said, and then she left the room, locking the door behind her. We knew we couldn’t get out of the room, so after she left we all ran over to the food and we stuffed our faces until we couldn’t eat anymore. Then we fell onto the beds, laughing at each other because we all felt sick, plus I still had some food sticking out of my mouth that began sliding down my face and onto the bed and was making us all laugh even more.

  About an hour passed, then Sister Ann came back. ‘Hello, children. Have you all finished eating?’ she said. ‘Yes, but I want to go to the toilet’, I said. She led us all down the corridor to a bathroom and she waited for us until we had all finished. Then she led us back to our bedroom and, on the way, she made sure that none of us wandered off. ‘It’s late, so you must all go to bed now and I will be back in the morning to see if you are all ok’, she said. Then she turned off the light and locked the door as she left the room. It was still early and none of us could sleep, plus we had never slept in a bed on our own before, so we all jumped up and we all got into one bed and cuddled up together for the night. We told each other that it was going to be ok and that we will all go home in the morning and then I fell to sleep.

  When morning came, I woke up early and my bed was wet, so I got up and I began pushing and shoving the others. ‘Wake up’, I said. ‘Quick, it’s all wet. ‘The bed’s all wet.’ But then the bedroom door opened and in walked Sister Ann. ‘Good morning, children.’ I looked up at her. ‘The bed’s wet’, I said. ‘That’s ok, just all get up’, she said. Daisy, Karen and Jenny all looked up. ‘Get out of the bed please, children. We have to wash you and you’re going to see the doctor.’ We all got up, she took us into the bathroom and she gave us a wash. ‘Now put these on’, she said, while handing us clean pyjamas. ‘And then go back to the bedroom please.’ I put the pyjamas on and, as I walked along the hall, I looked down through the banisters. And down on the ground floor, I could see two nuns walking around and moving bags across the floor. ‘What are they doing?’ I said. ‘Nothing’, said Sister Ann. ‘Are you a nun the same as them?’ I asked. ‘Yes, now go to your room and sit down and wait for me.’ So I did. Daisy, Karen and Jenny followed me back into the room and the nun followed us in. ‘I am sorry’, she said, ‘but you are all sick and you cannot go out until you get better. The doctor will be here in a moment and he is going to give you some medicine to make you all well again.’ Then she left the room and she closed the door, locking us in again.

  We sat in the room and we waited all day, but the doctor never came; in fact, no one came, so when evening came we just went to bed feeling sad, sick and hungry. The next morning, Sister Ann came to our room, gave us some medicine and she said that the doctor had been too busy to see us yesterday. Then she gave us breakfast and she let us go to the toilet; and once we had finished eating, she left the room and locked the door behind her again.

  For the next two weeks, she did the same thing every morning and in the evening she looked in on us to see if we were ok. It was hard for us sitting and sleeping in the same room day after day, never going out and never seeing anyone else. And on one occasion, I asked Sister Ann if we could play with the toys in the cupboard, but she said that no. She said that no one had the key to the padlock and that she could not open it without one.

  Over the next few weeks, we slowly got better, but every night one of us would wet the bed and we could tell that Sister Ann was becoming annoyed with us, because she began to shout at us. She said that we were very bad children for constantly wetting the bed and that she would have to do something about it. She would still only allow us out of the room to have a wash or go to the toilet; and once she trusted us to do what she said, she allowed us to go down to the kitchen with her to eat breakfast, but that was only because she didn’t want to bring the food up to us.

  For the first few weeks, we never saw anyone else in the house apart from the nuns; then one morning, while we were having breakfast, I became full after only two mouthfuls of food and I couldn’t eat anymore. I sat back in my chair and puffed my face up to show my sisters that I couldn’t eat another thing, then Sister Ann looked over at me, she saw what I was doing with my face and she said that I was an ungrateful little child for the food she was giving me. But I couldn’t eat any more and I told her that I was not used to eating so much food in one go, and she called me a bad child.

  Then after breakfast, Sister Ann told us all to go back upstairs and to get ready as we were all going out to play. We all ran up the stairs, we got changed as quickly as possible and then we ran back down the stairs and over to the front door. It was going to be the first time in over a month that we would go outside the front door and we couldn’t wait. We jumped up and down with excitement, then Sister Ann walked up to the door and she told us that we could go out to play for an hour, but we must be good for her and not run off. We said yes and as she opened the door, we all ran straight out into the yard and we ran in all directions, not knowing what way to go or what we were going to do.

  Then Sister Ann followed us out, shouting for us to stop and to get back over to her and we did. She walked us around to the back of the house and into a small garden. ‘Have fun’, she said. We all looked around, but there was nothing in the garden; no swings, no balls, no toys, nothing at all, just grass. We stood and looked at each other and then we walked around the garden, talking to each other and trying to think of things to do, but there was nothing. I couldn’t even walk or run around for very long as I was stil
l suffering from pleurisy that Daisy and myself had caught while playing in the rubbish dumps back home, in daddy’s village. So, after a while, we just sat down and I tried to make daisy chains from the small flowers that I plucked from the grass around me.

  And for a while, we talked to each other about how we felt and I began to think about what might have happened to our brothers, but then a man walked into the garden and interrupted us. He walked straight over towards me and he bent down in front of me and said, ‘Hello, children’, while spitting his words all over me. ‘Hello, children. What are you doing? Would you like some clothes and shoes?’ he said, as he dropped a pile of old clothes onto the grass in front of me, while all the time trying to keep his balance. Then he fell to his knees and leaned forwards towards me, as if he was going to grab me; but instead, he put his hands down onto the grass to stop himself from falling over onto his face.

  I slowly moved away from him, pushing myself backwards along the grass with my hands. He smelt, he smelt disgusting from drinking beer and he was dribbling uncontrollably from his mouth and his saliva was dripping down on to my bare legs. He leaned towards me and he tried to say something, but all he could manage was to mumble, ‘Pretty, pretty little girl’ and then he rubbed one of his hands up and down my legs. His breath stunk and he had a bad look on his face, as if he was angry about something that I had done.

  Suddenly, Sister Ann came running into the garden and she told the man to leave at once, but he told her to fuck off and to go away, calling her a stupid cow. And with that, she picked up the clothes and she went back into the house, leaving the man on the ground in front of me and he was still touching my legs. I began to shake with fright and I moved back again, but he moved closer to me and he began to grab at my clothes with both of his hands. I rolled to one side and then I got up and shouted, ‘Run’ to the others and we all ran back to the house and we stood next to the closed door, shouting for Sister Ann to open the door and let us back into the house. The door opened and we ran inside, while Sister Ann went back outside and walked back around to the man in the garden.

  We looked out of the window and we could see that she was in a bad temper and we could hear her telling the man that he had to go now; but before he left, she told him to come back later when no one was around, then he left and Sister Ann came back into the house. Then she told us to forget all about the man and to go and find something else to do in the house and then she locked the door.

  Later in the evening, when all the other nuns had left the house and it was our bedtime, the man came back and we could hear him with Sister Ann. They were both in the kitchen and they were laughing and joking together, and Sister Ann was telling him to stop it and to be quiet or someone might hear him. Then we heard the kitchen door close and the house went silent, so we all got into our beds and we went to sleep.

  The next day, Sister Ann became very hostile towards me and, from that day on, she made my life a misery. Whenever she felt like it, she would slap me around my face and hit me for no reason at all and she would tell me that I was an ugly little child and think nothing of it. I hadn’t done anything wrong to her, so I couldn’t understand why she was being horrible to me and she made me very unhappy.

  A couple of days later, we were all getting ready to go downstairs when we heard a car pull up outside the house and then we heard the sound of children’s voices; so we looked out of one of the top floor windows and we could see children and some adults talking to Sister Ann. Then a nun came into the house and she shouted up to us to get downstairs and outside. We all walked down the stairs, looking through the banisters as we went, and we could see a few people standing at the bottom of the stairs and they were all making a lot of noise; then some children looked up at us and they began to talk to each other. We all held hands and we continued to walk down the stairs. And when we reached the bottom of the stairs, no one took any notice of us, so we walked outside and there were some nuns greeting more adults and children as they arrived at the house in their cars; and there were even more nuns walking up the drive, carrying bags and suitcases.

  This went on for the whole day and in the evening Sister Ann told us to go into the dining room so we could meet all the other staff and children that had arrived throughout the day. She said that they had all been away for the summer holidays and they all lived in the house with us, so we went into the dining room and everyone said hello and one of the nuns told the children to tell us their names and ages. Then she told us to go upstairs and to bed, but we were hungry as no one had fed us all day. So I asked Sister Ann if we could have something to eat, but she said, ‘No, just go to bed’; and then she pushed us out of the dining room and she closed the door behind us, and we went to bed hungry.

  The next morning, the bedroom door opened and a new member of staff came into our room and the first thing she said was to get up; but Daisy was still asleep and she didn’t hear her, so she walked over to Daisy and shock her bed while telling her to get up. Then she told us all to get dressed and to get downstairs fast; and once downstairs, another member of staff told us to go into the dining room and sit down for breakfast. But as we all walked into the room, there were ten other children all sitting around the table, and as we walked in they all looked at us and then they began to giggle to one another. We walked over to the table, sat down and we began talking to the other children. Then one of the staff came into the room and she put bread, butter and some cereals on the table and she told us to eat; but I wasn’t hungry and I told her that I didn’t want to eat today.

  She looked at me, then she walked out of the room and within a couple of seconds Sister Ann came into the room and they both walked over to me. Then Sister Ann stood behind me and she put her hands onto my shoulders. ‘Get up’, she said and, before I could move, she pulled me out of my chair by my hair and she walked me out of the dining room, into the hallway and over towards the new members of the staff. ‘This is what you do with them’, she said and she began to yell and shout at me. And she told the new member of staff that if she wanted to continue working in the house, then she needed to be firm with us.

  Then Sister Ann began hitting me around my head and then she slapped me around my face. I was shocked and my whole body flopped like a rag doll and, within a second, I collapsed to the floor. Sister Ann then turned and walked away, leaving me on the floor in the middle of the hall; and as she walked into the dining room, she shouted back at me to get up, to get back inside and to finish the fucking breakfast.

  I had never been hit like that before, by anyone, and I was shaking like jelly. I got up off the floor, went back into the room and I walked over to the table. I sat back down and picked up a spoon, but I was still shaking and as I tried to eat my breakfast, it shook off the spoon and went all over the table. I began to cry and I picked the food up with my hands and put it into my mouth, hoping that she wouldn’t hit me again, and none of the other children spoke a word until we had all finished breakfast. Even then, it was only to ask for permission to leave the table; and one by one, we all walked out of the dining room and into the hall where some of the staff were waiting for us. We all stood in front of the staff and they said that it was time for us to go to school and they told us to go and get our things. But then one of the staff turned to me and said, ‘You and your sister Daisy can’t go to the same school as the others. You’re still too sick and you won’t be able to walk all the way to the school, so you have to stay at the house and later a nun will take you to the convent with her and you will be schooled there instead.’ She was right, I felt sick and I could hardly stand up, so I sat on the stairs and waited for the nun while all the other children got ready and then went off to the main school.

  After a couple of hours, the nun who was going to take us arrived at the house and we went off to the convent with her. On the way, she told us that she would only be taking us today and from tomorrow we would have to walk to the convent’s school on our own. So we had better remember the way and not
mess around or be late, or we would be in a lot of trouble with the head nun. But she was walking too fast for us to keep up with her and we had to run along behind her. I was still feeling sick, and I began to cough and I told her that I had to stop, but she just kept walking and telling me to hurry up or we will be late and then we would all be in big trouble with the head nun.

  Once we got to the convent, the nun took us into a room in the back of the building, and inside, sitting on one of the chairs in the room, was Simon, my baby brother. I shouted, ‘Simon’ and I ran over to him, throwing my arms around him and almost squashing him with joy. He shouted, ‘Lily, Daisy’ and then he began to cry and we cried too because we were so happy to see him. After a few seconds, one of the nuns came over to me and she said that from now on Simon was going to be staying with Daisy and me at our house. She said that he was too small to stay with the other boys and he needed us to look after him, as they did not have the time to care for him and she said that he was now our responsibility. Then she told us all to sit down and to start counting from number one, so I walked over to a chair, I sat down and looked over at Simon and he was smiling. We began to count, one, two, three, four, five; it was great having Simon with us and he was smiling and counting at the same time. Simon continued looking over at me, then he wiped his lips and his face with his hands and he began to cry again. ‘It’s ok’, I said. ‘We won’t leave you.’ And from that moment on, he stuck to me like glue and he would never leave my side.